ryan2000 Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Day 4 (11) yesterday was * * * * ! Was too * * * * ing hard. I wanted to rush over to see her so bad. None of this makes any sense to me. We were destined to be together. We grew up together, have shared so much emmotions & such an amazing connection. And now, after 13 years, i'm supposed to just shake it off and move on? This is not a light switch for * * * * sake, i can't just turn it off. This is my love, my heart and my entire world we're talking about. She was everything to me and made me who i am. It's hard sitting here, writing this. I just cannot stop the tears, they just will not go away. I have tried oh so hard to avoid them, but they continue to come as if they have their own emotions. I cannot control them, as it stands they control me. I just want this all to end. Anger has overtaken me these past few days. I hate myself, my surroundings and most of all God. Yes, sorry to offend, but i hate the bastard. He has made my 2008 a living hell. He test me at each and every intersection that i cross and i just know he's enjoying it. Ironically, as i was just writing about Anger, the tears stopped. What's that saying? To be honest, i don't care in the slightest. If they stop if only for a moment, i will take note of what caused them to cease. If Anger is it, then so be it. This morning, as i do every saturday & sunday, i went and had my morning coffee and paper at the same cafe in which i have been attending for 2 years now. Ironically (and this happened prior to us separating) it is right next door to where my ex see's her psychiatrist . Not sure if this is breaking the NC rule but, i knew she had an apointment today, but i went to my cafe anyway. Hell - it's one of the few comforts i have left right now so * * * * it, i'm going anyway. However, i did find myself raising my head up from the black & white text infront of me to hopefully catch a glimpse of my Ex either coming or going into her session. I had no idea what i would do if i saw her. Would i wave, would she? Is it breaking the NC rule? Unfortunately or fortunately, whichever be the case, i did not see her. What was said in her session? i find that question continually running through my head and i honestly wish i knew. However, would i want to know? In a perfect world, she would have told her therapist that she misses me, but is scared to contact me. And in reply, the therapist would have said 'Just pick up the phone and tell him you love him, that you miss him, that you want him back right now. Fantasy is bliss isn't it? Reality, on the other hand, is a * * * * * . In reality, none of the above would have been said. But yet, i find myself clinging to the phone, my grip almost crushing the screen as i anxiously await it to ring. My heart know it will remain silent........... that's why the tears come. And i hate them. Again, Anger seems to be the only way to cure the bitter bitter tears. They make my face itch. I hate them. So what now? I don't know. I'll have a beer, get angry, remind myself that i am worthy and that somebody will love me........... but i know damn well that fantasy will kick in again at some point and will convince me to believe that everything will be ok, i know damn well it wont be, but i am easilly led astray. Edit At least the tears have stopped! Link to comment
hulk7280 Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 I just wanted ot announce my start over to NC.. i rrecnelty foudn out my ex is going on a date with another only 2 weeks after things broke off between us.. im so devestated by the whole situation.. but i am optimitstic thata now im on my way to recovery using NC.. NC all the way baby! Link to comment
yellowbus Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Day 1 of NC after many trials and errors that also included more heartaches much intense than the original breakup. I don't think we need to contact each other ever again. He already has a gf after one week of us breaking up anyway. God, it hurts so much. Feels like I was nothing after 3.3 years with him. Wish me luck! Link to comment
Stelinha Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Day 15 So glad it's half through the challange! so satisfying to have finally reached this point after trying so many previos times and failing. Link to comment
greeneyedgal Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Wow - first of all Wadecure - I hope you DIDN'T call her! And Stelinha, thank you for your words, they really helped me. Ryan, you should have been a writer - you are very articulate with your words *hands him cheese and a great big glass of shiraz* All the new NCers - if your ex has a new gf/bf then just pity them as they are being insecure and clutching for an ego boost - I dont think they can really love a person they have just met and committed to so quickly although goodness knows my ex and I got together rather quickly also - maybe that was the problem - almost two years ago I was floating on a cloud after the most perfect first date. Then it all went to **** eventually. I know this is probably not the case but I can't help but feel that this was my last chance for true happiness with someone - so much between us clicked - we used to sing and play guitar together and harmonise - it was utterly beautiful - it makes my heart shatter to think that may never be again! What makes this whole NC worse is that he 'joked' to me that in 5 years time if neither of us is married, we will get married. As gratifying as this was to the part of me that will accept backhanded crumbs of compliments, it was also insulting in the way of him suggesting that if he finds no-one better, he will just take me. Nice! I feel ok today it's day 6 and I haven't heard from him - I'm grateful to be tired and preoccupied with work during the day. Link to comment
hulk7280 Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 it just hurts so bad.. i cared about her so much.. andshe said she had the same feelings.. yet she felt like she had to go on a "meaningless" date.. she says she wants her space and her time to be alone.. Yet she is going ona date? it deosnt * * * * ing make sense.. Link to comment
babes23 Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 He isn't going to contact me, he never as after we'd split and the simple fact is that he never will. Maybe deep down inside i want him to just ask if i'm okay or something, anything to show that he still cares, but you know what? He won't as he doesn't care. So Day 3 No Contact today, i'm not feeling very well anyway and woke up with a stabbing pain in my chest, not sure if that's through my illness or through the heartbreak, i cry throughout the day on/off, i'm sick of wasting my energy on someone who doesn't give a damn about me, that's what's spurring me on with the No Contact, time to get tough, to remove myself from his life, he didn't deserve me. Link to comment
Stelinha Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Don't worry babes23 I know what it's like when you want them to contact you and they never do and you suspect they never will. Congratulations on reaching day 3. You're right to do this for yourself to heal. Link to comment
babes23 Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Don't worry babes23 I know what it's like when you want them to contact you and they never do and you suspect they never will. Congratulations on reaching day 3. You're right to do this for yourself to heal. Thank you hun xx Link to comment
babes23 Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Day 15 So glad it's half through the challange! so satisfying to have finally reached this point after trying so many previos times and failing. Wow, you've done fab!! Would you have normally contacted him before now or vice versa? Link to comment
Stelinha Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Yes I definatly would have contacted him by now and that's why I'm sooo glad that I've reached this point. I still miss him but as the days go on I feel less desperate and thereforee less likely to make contact. Link to comment
babes23 Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 Yes I definatly would have contacted him by now and that's why I'm sooo glad that I've reached this point. I still miss him but as the days go on I feel less desperate and thereforee less likely to make contact. Good on you, i hope i can reach that stage soon enough. This feels different to the least time though, it's more "Real" now and i'm not holding onto anything as i know that was our last chance. Link to comment
hulk7280 Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 well this is day 1 for me.. god i hope i have the strenght to do this.. i care for her so much.. but i care about myself more.. i must move on and be myself again. I got the closure i needs now its time to move forward. Link to comment
yellowbus Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 i feel so disappointed in myself. i should have gone on NC since the day after. we kept in contact all throughout the four months since we have broken up. he even begged me back but i wasn't ready. even before i could even think about it, there was already another girl he's talking to. he denies that they are a couple but i know he's lying. sigh. i'm so heartbroken that i'm scared of myself. Link to comment
hulk7280 Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 wow, i just signed up for yahoo personals.. i feel like such a loser..LMAO.. Link to comment
Jay_Bird Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 SHE BROKE CONTACT. Just got an e-mail, "Hey, how are you?" NOT RESPONDING. Too much progress to ignore it all. Guys keep me from contacting back. the ball is in your court now wade don't drop it think with your brain don't think with your heart make a logical choice Link to comment
Mock Chop Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 I woke up yesterday knowing that I will never contact my ex again. We've been broken up for 9 months. There has been VERY limited contact. The other weekend, I got drunk for the first time in many months. I am going through a rather traumatic time, reliving and coming to terms with childhood abuse (with the aid of therapy), processing everything. Drinking was a bad idea as I came home to an empty house distraught. I know I dialled his work number (knowing he wouldn't be there, of course), but I have no idea if I left a message on his machine or not. I know - I was pretty disgusted with myself. However, I'm being kind to myself as I am on one hell of a journey and a slip from time to time is no big deal. I emailed him about a week later to say that I was aware I might have left a message and if I did, to apologise sincerely for it. I explained that I was going through a tough time and that I'd slipped, but it wasn't the sort of thing I wanted to be doing. No response. So now I'm thinking "If someone I once professed to care about was hurting, would I ignore them completely, even if I weren't in a relationship with them?". The answer is no, I wouldn't. I need people in my life who are compassionate, caring, understanding. I don't need someone like him, who runs away from emotion, who hides behind his defences and pretends he's happy living a very solitary life. Someone who hides in his work to protect himself from 'feeling'. I don't want him back now. I love him, but I don't want him the way things are with him. I'm working hard on me. I don't have the words to verbalise what I'm going through with all this. And he's not around. He knows but he's not around for me. So I'm done with him. I still think about him, still miss him but know that ultimately, it's for the best. Link to comment
greeneyedgal Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 For all the new posters, my heart goes out -it's not easy. I'm on day 7 and I'm cranky and listless although don't feel miserable - I think maybe he's cottoned on to that fact that I'm not contacting him and so now he is 'playing the game' also. Oh well! I hope to heck he is not reading this! I highly doubt it though! Well like Samantha says in Sex and the City - 'I love you, but I love me more' - this should be our motto while we do our NC! lol. Link to comment
Stelinha Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Day 16 I keep on thinking I'll leave it a few days before I post because I haven't had any notable moments I can share but posting everyday is the only thing keeping me going. I did, stupidly (and I can't believe I'm 30 and did this!) check his facebook and I hate facebook! I felt abosutely terrified going through the scenarios of what I might find!! Then I felt ashamed of myself like I'd been rummaging through someones underwear draw!! Agh! Just feeling blah today- roll on day 20! I can't believe I'll be gald to be back at work tomorrow as the weekends seem worse to get through. Link to comment
hulk7280 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 im back at freakin day 1 AGAIN.. she text me yestreday about some stupid BS and like a * * * * * * * i called her back to tell her the truth.. i kinda broke down and tolded her how much i missed us.. and she said call me when u can be friends.. and i said i call me when u wanna work things out.. left it at that. SO here is my decleration for the next 30 days.. no email/text/call i wont check her myspace or facebook.. today starts my healing and getting over my ex.. i dont know why mornings are so tough.. its like she is always on my mind. On a side note i had a dream last night and in the dream i was complety over and actually forgot we had a reletionship together.. man that felt really good... i wish i could hypnotized or something..LOL i will say i need help.. is there anyone on here that i can talk too? thanks guys i appreciate the support Link to comment
cas Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Oh man, I'm truly sorry to hear that, Hulk! Regarding the mornings, I have the same feelings as you do. It's really hard to wake up each morning knowing that she's still not by your side. And now you have to face another day of struggling to move on.. And it's like I'm dreaming about her every single night. Picturing us together.. Damnit.. Link to comment
Stelinha Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Hulk7280 I totally feel for you. What she said 'contact me when you're ready to be friends' uggh- is sooooo patronising. Does she think you are such a shallow person that you can just change your feelings from one day to the next just because she can? or does she think you're a robot who can just flick a switch from boyfriend to friend mode?- 'oh, I'm sorry I don't seem to have found the 'friends' switch yet, when I do I'll be sure to give you that call' Yeah, and they still want to keep you in their life as a friend ( when it suits them!!) so they can drain you dry emotionally as you support them and listen about what fun they're having without you or thier new girlfriend/boyfriend and you try to be the best god dam friend they ever had until one day when you need some support the friend you thought you had just isn't there anymore and you find yourself completey on your own thinking what a fool I have been. Good for you for sticking to your guns and telling her you care and not pretending to be something you aren't. Good luck with NC. Link to comment
hurtandused Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 i, try,d so hard not to contect my ex but every day i wake up cryin, i feel lifes not worth living anymore, why did he treat me like this, i feel so dirthy and ashamed, that i love him, Link to comment
Stelinha Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Hi Hurtandused, Sorry about how bad you feel right now. Sounds like you might need to, no matter how hard it is, to think try and take your focus off him and think about yourself right now. It's no wonder you feel hurt and used if someone had treated you badly but the way he treated you says something about him not you. If people treat you badly it is a reflection of them and you shouldn't feel dirty and ashamed if you love someone. Loving someone says something about you. He is, perhaps, the one is should be feeling dirty and ashamed if he has treated you badly. Maybe he doesn't know any better or doesn't have the capabilities to understand your feelings (or doesn't want to because it makes him feel bad). Don't ever see yourself inadequate because of the way he behaved. I know that those things probably don't help much and even though life doesn't feel like life is worth living you need not put too much pressure on yourself and to get through each day by being as kind to yourself as possible. Don't expect to stop feeling * * * * ty right away- it takes time and you have to grit your teeth and go through the motions of the day believeing that one day you will feel better however impossible that seems right now. NC should help you in getting through this: even though I know it's hard (and boy have I done more NC attempts than I would care to mention) but NC doesn't mean you have to stop loving him but it does mean you can do something for yourself to feel at least a bit better. I think it helps to create some emotional distance from the person you love and look at your relationship more objectively. If you feel despertate to contact him you could set yourself the limit of the 30 days and then decide if you still have the urge to contact him you could do it then when you're much stronger and able to handle whatever happens. During that time I would try and do anything you like- go to the cinema and watch a comedy- do anything you can for yourself to heal even if you don't feel like it, even if you feel that things will never get better force yourself to do anything. When I first broke up I lost enthusiasm even to get out of bed and sleep was my only refuge but if you make yourself do stuff time will pass and you will feel stronger eventually. It may seem right now that you can't possibly ever consider feeling that way and that is why you have to trust and it may help to read some of the other posts on this forum of people who have found NC has really helped them. I hope this may be some help to you and my thoughts are with you. Link to comment
hulk7280 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Oh man, I'm truly sorry to hear that, Hulk! Regarding the mornings, I have the same feelings as you do. It's really hard to wake up each morning knowing that she's still not by your side. And now you have to face another day of struggling to move on.. And it's like I'm dreaming about her every single night. Picturing us together.. Damnit.. thanks.. i know its hard.. but the pain will ease with time.. i have been just trying to keep myself busy.. always talkig with someone or hanging out with someone.. i try to make sure im not alone...' Link to comment
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