THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[Steve 7745]

Write on! It's great therapy to write. I looked at his link removed status last night. Yep, "active within 24 hours" ... so he has not yet found the "new one".

 

Kinda felt good in a very mean way ...

 

I kind of feel like kicking myself. Her profile flat out said she was only looking for short term dating. And this makes me wonder if maybe she broke up because she was suddenly heading for something serious with me.

 

Maybe I just don't see her logic. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Holding out for someone who is only looking out for themselves. We commit, then things go to hell. I just want to leave it all behind.

[thatdoggirl]

DAY 4

 

Strangly enough I was actually tired last night and was glad because I had to get up early for work in the morning and didn't want to be burdened with another night of restlessness. I went to be around 11 and woke up to the 5:40 alarm. I didn't feel any pit in my stomach or any heart ache that I usually feel. Today my mind has been telling me that he wasn't the one so maybe my mind has been telling that to my heart. I really hope that this means that I am making some progress.

 

Today I also don't feel the desire to be in contact with him. I keep thinking, what's the point really. Thinking about him is still consuming my mind though and I can't stand seeing his name on the news feed of facebook but there isn't much I can do about it.

 

This morning I log in the first thing listed on my news feed is about him adding a friend that is a girl. LOL. However, I've added a few guys lately anyway so it doesn't bother me that much. It just keeps making me curious to look at his profile and I'm not going to lie... I have been looking at his profile breifly and nothing is updated on it anyway. I do need to stop myself somehow. I'm just not sure yet because I have a habbit of checking my facebook a lot anyway.

 

And with myspace... he's on my top friends still and I kinda want to move him off of it so I don't have to see his face yet I still have that worry in the back of my mind that he'd be offended that I took him off and thereforee take me off his top friends. Such a stupid pointless thing that I shouldn't even care about... it's just stupid myspace.

 

All of this keeps coming back to me remembering that I need to be spending time thinking about myself and working on me and not thinking about him. It's kind of difficult to do that on the weekend for me since I'm stuck at work for 12 hours in a little booth by myself. I'm just looking forward to getting home tonight and having the weekdays off so I can plan out a bunch of stuff to do to occupy my time. There is a lot of stuff I want to do that I never get around to so I need to start writing them down and organize my week so that I have something else to think about!

[KaylaJoy]

and i also sent her a text that said "It hurts seeing you, but it also hurts not seeing you. Being friends isn't going to work.")

 

Yankeefan, this is so true, and I'm seeing the evidence of this in my own life.

 

Yankee, stay strong. Remember the friends thing at this stage is only to ease the dumper guilt and have the cake and eat it too ... and for the dumpee to have a thread of hope to hold on to.

 

StillSmiling, you got it, girl. I never realized this until now, but the "let's be friends" thing is very difficult, and very self-serving for both parties.

[KaylaJoy]

Got a text this afternoon from John, the "ex" from last year (aka my rebound ex)...it was general, asking for prayer that he didn't scream at his exwife over an issue with the kids. Weird, I thought. I haven't been responding to anything he's sent me for months, especially since he has the new wife in tow. I didn't know why he was even still texting me. But a couple of weeks ago I decided to respond back, maybe take a small baby step towards being friendly, with he and the new Mrs. (Don't have anything against her - she's a casualty of the situation.) Not trying to be best buds, mind you, just cordial. Not enemies, at least.

Something was odd about this text though, and I texted him back and asked him if this was a blanket text, sent out to all his friends, or was he specifically asking me for prayer. His response was to say "does it matter?" if he sent it out to 10 people or just 1. I responded back and said "to me it does." Never got another response, which is fine. Truthfully I hope he doesn't. Maybe he will finally leave me alone, although I will say that I had finally gotten to the point where I thought I would be OK to be casual acquaintence-type friends again. What I'm not comfortable with is being part of his harem, as I always called them. His circle of women that he calls "friends", and he delights in their adoration and dependence of him.

I was actually considering emailing his new wife and telling her why I didn't want to be part of his harem, and assuring her that I was not being antagonistic towards her, I had no beef with her, and was fine with an occasional word from her and John at this point. But his response saying "does it matter?" shows me that he has not changed, he is still hard-hearted, and I do not feel like engaging with him in a war of words.

Hopefully he will drop it and leave it alone. I thought perhaps we might end up being friends again, wife included, but I'm thinking no at this point.

Interesting stuff. Not upsetting really, just interesting.

[Marus]

Day 75

 

2.5 Months about. Feeling a bit better, but definitely not at the point where I would think of seeing her again, even for a small bit of coffee. There hasn't been enough time out with other people. I'm really waiting for school to start. Once that is all going I think I can really become myself again.

 

The plan is to become an independent fellow like I was before I met her. Also need to make sure I can maintain that independence in a relationship. I'm looking forward to the new semester to try out and embed a changed persona.

[The Mad Pagan]

So school is starting in a week, and I must say I'm excited for the business of it all. I will have little time to think about anything but homework and research, except for maybe during the rare quiet moments on the weekends.]

 

Two more days of the challenge, and then I think it'll be time to take a break from this site for a while. It has helped me through the darkest of my post break up days, and for that I'm grateful, but it has also become somewhat of an addiction. I am definitely strong enough now that I won't contact him, no matter how appealing the thought is. That ship has sailed, and I want to move on.

[mattysfun]

YAY PAGAN.

snaps for pagan everyone.

[StillSmiling]

I kind of feel like kicking myself. Her profile flat out said she was only looking for short term dating. And this makes me wonder if maybe she broke up because she was suddenly heading for something serious with me.

Maybe I just don't see her logic. Maybe I'm just being selfish. Holding out for someone who is only looking out for themselves. We commit, then things go to hell. I just want to leave it all behind.

 

Or perhaps she sees that a new realtionship this soon would only be a rebound.

 

You've made great progress ... stay strong. A stop peeking at stuff. I have teo tell myself the same thing .... there simply is no sense in it.

[StillSmiling]

Day 28

 

Again, a touch more acceptance setting in. Now when I think of him, I think "what's the point?".

 

It is 3 months today that he walked out. I am shocked at how the summer just came and went and I feel sad that I wasted so much of it feeling so down. This was so be our playtime ... the season when my work is lighter and I am able to take weeks off at a time. This was the month to be in Italy. The whole thing is so sad ...

 

Kept busy for the weekend with friends and that helped. I feel calmer now coming back home alone and am slowly settling back into my own personal routines. I think that was one of the hardest parts in the beginning; that all of my routines had included him, even if it was a phone call or a letter in the evening to him, and then suddenly it was just me again.

 

I still hold onto thoughts of running into him and I'm not sure why I would want that. If I am honest with myself, it would be to show him how great I am without him and what a poor mistake he made. Of coarse it would all be a lie. Funny how we want to hurt back when we've been so deeply wounded. Went to hear some Jazz at a local winery yesterday afternoon with a group of gals, and it didn't dawn on me until I was in the parking lot, that it could have been HIM playing! It was an odd mix of hoping and yet fear that it would be. Like Kayla said: Interesting stuff.

 

And the birthday thing continues to rattle in my head. Coming up in 12 days. Will he make contact? We never formally told each other NC; in fact our last phone conversation ended with "give me a call sometime" from both of us. When I fell apart again after that call is when I knew I needed NC for me. He thinks I am with another, and so I suppose he is respecting that by being NC himself. And him finally removing me from his buddy lists to see me online a few weeks ago spoke volumes. I wonder if he still hurts like I do ...

 

Thoughts dance through my head on how to react if he does contact me with birthday wishes. Respond or not? And what if he doesn't, after the big deal he had made about it all year ... we met 9 days after my birthday last year. Either way it is going to be tough. I've sworn to give my cell phone and laptop battery to my buddy that day as we will be in Vegas celebrating and I just don't want it ruined. Yet, I know it will be on my mind.

 

Why do we at times feel the need to see them, talk to them "just one last time"? It still haunts me, yet the two times I did it before NC put me back through living hell. Must remember how far it set me back and not make the same mistake. What's the point?

[StillSmiling]

Day 75

 

2.5 Months about. Feeling a bit better, but definitely not at the point where I would think of seeing her again, even for a small bit of coffee. There hasn't been enough time out with other people. I'm really waiting for school to start. Once that is all going I think I can really become myself again.

 

The plan is to become an independent fellow like I was before I met her. Also need to make sure I can maintain that independence in a relationship. I'm looking forward to the new semester to try out and embed a changed persona.

 

WOW. 75 Days. Please tell me it continues to get easier? I still feel tempted to "check up on stuff" about him, yet have ignored the urges. I certainly hope there is soon a day when I don;t even feel that temptation ...

 

Hang in there. The new school year should be a great one for you.

[StillSmiling]

KUDOS Mad Pagan! Yes, we have made it through the darkest of it all.

 

Not sure what I will do at 30. I don't feel this site has become an addiction but rather more of a journal on the watching the days click by as I heal.

 

I suspect I will get to where you are at soon. Great job.

[Steve 7745]

Day 17.

 

Going to see the doctor today. Left hand aches a little from Guitar practice. Got a lot of chores to do since I took the day off. I want this apartment immaculate. Feeling slightly in pain.

[megnic]

Day 1: No Contact Challenge

 

We have been on "a break" since August 14th (Thursday). But there has been contact, nothing major. Yesterday I had not contacted him at all and was proud of myself but called him crying at 2am and he slept with me on the phone. I have not contacted him at all today and AM ACCEPTING THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE!!!

 

I am at least trying to stay confident that by letting him have his time and space he will see what life is like without me and come back rather soon. So I'm feeling positive! But still miss him and want to see him!

[snowstorm]

______________________

[megnic]

So i contacted him today and he said he wanted to break up, out of nowhere so I have no idea what to do I do not want it to be over and I can't let him to do this!

[mattysfun]

3 weeks. ish.

its almost my birthday.

i know he wont wish me a happy birthday. but im hoping.

=[

 

i miss our friendship.

 

but i know itll never be that

 

i hate having time to think

[The_411]

Let's see it's been just over 5 1/2 months and prior to that it had been 2 1/2 months.

 

Feel worse now than ever as I've had a myriad of my own personal problems since we broke up.

 

It has to do with me and that's why I miss her. I'm not happy with my life so I feel like I need her and the relationship.

 

It's been over for 10 1/2 months.

[DavidWRosario]

Day One

 

Here we go again. There is a idiot I am dealing with and I have to shave with that jerk everyday. I swear you people who only had a relationship with the other person have got it easy. Those of us with kids are doomed. You end up having to talk with this uncaring insensitive person and they just love sticking a cutlass(not the car) in your back and watching you spin.

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

ok thats done

 

Her house got broken into - who did she call for help ? Yep and I was there before the cops. duh!!! Then was asked if I broke in just to mess with her head ? Like I would ever ? Then she tells me how nice I look, I returned the compliment. On and On so we are talking nice for a few days, this morning I drop off my son from spending the weekend.

 

We talk a little more, and I tell her that the only person who can change were this seperation is going is her. If she is wondering, If I can forgive her, I already did. Can I forget, sure but it will take a while. She responds by saying - Well I found out that I hold grudges and I can never forgive you or forget.

 

So I put my heart on my sleeve and she knocks it off and stomps on it

 

I guess that makes tomorrow Day 1.

 

 

Gods grace is all I need

 

Dave

[The Mad Pagan]

So yesterday I looked at link removed to see if anyone new has posted a profile. It appears someone has--my ex! I saw it by freak accident and it really sent me for a loop. The good thing is that I didn't look at the actual profile; I just saw his picture come up on the list.

 

I guess he's ready to start dating again now. He got his last ego boost from me 29 days ago, and now he's going to find someone else to avoid conflict with. What a jerk. It's too bad I don't hate him, because I'd really like to.

 

Seeing his picture up there has filled me with all kinds of regret, but I'm not backing down. He left ME, dang it, and I'm not gonna be there for him when his next relationship comes crashing down (and it will--there are so few good gay guys in this town; I am truly a prize).

 

Anyway, I guess I needed to vent a little. Don't worry about me, though. The discovery brought me down, but I haven't spiralled into depression or anything. I've got a lot of exciting things coming up over this next semester, and I'm not gonna let sour grapes spoil my glory.

[Steve 7745]

Day 18.

 

Had a personal breakthrough yesterday. I think I know why I keep screwing up my summer relationships. In my first relationship, I was a really lousy BF, and the guilt kind of played a role in it. I've become a little too try hard. The rest of the year, I'm relaxed, effortless. Summer, I try too hard either out of guilt or some learned desperation. I'll talk about it more later.

[StillSmiling]

Trust me when I say you are only hurting yourself more. I have looked at and read things I wish I had never seen. At first, when they still seem to be "with you" you feel relieved. It's when you see something about that they have moved on, you will regret ever looking.

 

Hang in there. If you always had to contact him in the past, is that the type of relationship you really want?

[StillSmiling]

So i contacted him today and he said he wanted to break up, out of nowhere so I have no idea what to do I do not want it to be over and I can't let him to do this!

 

The best thing you can do for YOU and for the relationship is back off.

 

It is FAR from easy, but it really is the best. If he wants it back, he knows how to find you.

 

Hang in there. It's tough stuff ...

[StillSmiling]

Let's see it's been just over 5 1/2 months and prior to that it had been 2 1/2 months.

 

Feel worse now than ever as I've had a myriad of my own personal problems since we broke up.

 

It has to do with me and that's why I miss her. I'm not happy with my life so I feel like I need her and the relationship.

 

It's been over for 10 1/2 months.

 

Sounds like maybe a few sessions with a pro? I really helped me in the beginning and I think set me up to at least get moving forward a bit. I'm still stuck but SO much better than 3 months ago.

 

Think about it. Can also help you with your personal problems instead of having to turn to her.

[thatdoggirl]

DAY 6

 

I'm so sad today. I was happy and doing good yesterday but then I spent the day being kind of lazy and online. Grrr. I plan to avoid the computer today. I'm just gonna be on in the morning and try to fight the computer urge until tonight just to check mail and that sort of stuff. I want to unpack and clean/organize my new room back at my mom's and if I get done with that... I'll go for a walk and then come back and maybe clean the whole house! LOL.

 

I also had crazy dreams last night. They probably all had to do with my ex. He was in a lot of them and all of the stuff going on in the dream I think they symbolized me feeling like he is still in control of me and my thoughts even without the contact. Which I realize that with me thinking about him all the time, he totally is in control. This also interfers with my fears that he really doesn't understand why I won't talk to him and I keep feeling terrible like I'm going to make things worse between me and him when I am finally ready to be his friend again and that maybe he wouldn't take me back as a friend. I know that I shouldn't be worried about that stuff and that I should be prepared to live my life without needing him in any way but I really want his friendship when I'm ready. =(

 

Okay... whatever, I'm going to go so I can get started quicker on doing good things for myself today.

 

I'm glad everyone is doing so well, I HOPE that I am able to complete this challenge... 24 more days to go. So many days.

[StillSmiling]

Day 29

 

Yesterday was a tough one. The 3 month mark of him walking out and leaving me in utter SHOCK. I still remain so confused over the mixed signals and how I just didn't see it coming. I am proud I have made it this far in NC.

 

While in the beginning, I accepted all the blame for not being what he needed me to be. He really had me convinced that he had said it all, written it all, and I had not seen it.

 

Now, I am able to step back a bit more and realize that a normal, rational person simply does not act like he did. Writing a love letter of "how great I feel about us" one day, and 3 days later having a small riff where I needed some space for a few hours, and the next day he walks in and pretty much says "I can't take it anymore, here's your stuff" ... is NOT rational.

 

I realize now how super sensitive he really is, and that I did hurt him by "leaving him out in the cold" when I had a bad moment. Never a Bi*ch or any mean words spoken, but I did take my space back when I was having upsets. But, it is still not a normal or adult reaction in how he handled it. The word UNSTABLE continues to spring to mind. And that he would do it again.

 

I fear he suffers from the fear of rejection after his wife left him (and ALSO shocked him.. hummmm) 3 years ago when she walked out. Funny how he did the same thing to me. It is almost as if it pained him when I could not be 24/7 ALL of the time, and the fear of being hurt again made him run. Sweet, special man and I hope he figures this out and works on it because he is going to be in for a world of hurt over and over again if he can't change it.

 

Mad Pagan: My Ex is also on Match also. Put me in a tail spin when he did it so soon after breaking up. Made me feel good that he was still "active within 24 hours" all the time, in other words still searching after 3 months of leaving. Well, I too made the mistake of looking yesterday: now "active within 3 days". OUCH! I know what that means, because we met on Match, and after a few weeks of dating, he let his Match account go silent. It means he has found someone and I am kicking myself in the ass for ever looking. WHY do we do this stuff to ourselves? Hang in there. You sound so much stronger these days.

 

Dave: Good to see you back. I'm sorry you had to go through getting your heart stepped on again. It simply sucks. I did it the last time I saw my Ex, 2 months into the breakup. When he said "I'm truly sorry I can't go back to what it was", I just died another tiny death and started all over again in healing. I guess we have to test the waters from time to time, but I hate giving him that power back over me to hurt me again.

 

My birthday is also on the horizon. Trying so hard to convince myself to accept the fact that he will not call. But there is still that stupid hope that tickles the back of my mind. And if he doesn't, I can't stop thinking about snide little messages to TXT him the next day. Awful. Have to get that out of my head.

 

Today will be better. I just don't know why I still pine over him when I know it would never be the right relationship for me. It's like a damn addiction I can't let go ...