Marus

Day 75 2.5 Months about. Feeling a bit better, but definitely not at the point where I would think of seeing her again, even for a small bit of coffee. There hasn't been enough time out with other people. I'm really waiting for school to start. Once that is all going I think I can really become myself again. The plan is to become an independent fellow like I was before I met her. Also need to make sure I can maintain that independence in a relationship. I'm looking forward to the new semester to try out and embed a changed persona.

A little more then a month. Had a dream last night about the ex, about her missing a get together we set up several months back. Can't remember much more then that. There is no sign of her missing me, and I hardly think about her with butterflies anymore. Most of the time it is "Hey, look at that, old stuff." Recently though I found some old letters written to me and a letter written by me in my important documents file. Hit me as a surprise and only the slightest twinge of sadness. I'm definitely getting better. Another month and I think I will be good.

Day 18 - *scratches another notch on the wall* The month is coming to an end. It seems far too soon to contact my ex. I'm going to take another month to sort myself out. I've got at least two girls with initial attraction in my general area that I'm looking forward to having a time with. In other news, I was thinking how I was going to contact my ex when the NC was over. I didn't want IM or e-mail. I realized that I had forgotten her phone and her physical mailing address. Today as I was preparing to go out I picked up a packet of magic tricks I hadn't used for a year or so. Just sitting in there was the answer to my problem. Her cell was staring back at me. And I didn't call. Makes me happy. I know I need more time at the very least. I'm getting a lot better in the mean time, learning so much. I just thought the serendipitous discovery of her number was something interesting.

Ghostie Getting through a break-up using no contact can be like withdrawal. When there is an urge to talk or check on the person, you need to find someone to help you through it. I was in a state last night where I actually broke down and checked some things and was freaking out and nearly called my ex at the most inappropriate time (3:00 in the morning) because I had no one to vent to. Eventually I talked to a random person and surfed for a few hours till I had calmed down and could actually get to sleep or at least think about the ex without going insane. It's about a week of no contact for me since I was blocked. I have the ex's e-mail, but haven't sent anything there. I think she assumed I would send an e-mail there and ask her why, but no. So again, we are here for support in the times when you want to do something really stupid. The no contact is for us, to become independent and make our lives our own again.

Day 9 Last night I thought about the ex again. Small bit of anger and jealousy reared its ugly head as I thought about her going to a club or some such. I'm still waiting to get to the point that I don't care about those things popping into me head. I live in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do and no physical friends close by. Any acquaintances I have on the internet are often away and it is hard to talk to them often enough to distract me. 3 more weeks and I hope I will be over her. A few more days and I hope I have some support from someone.

It has been a week since I started the no contact challenge. Things are going pretty well. Thoughts still creep into my mind as I sleep. I did have a very interesting dream though. The dream had a slew of pictures of my ex, but they were completely different. Different hair style and different feelings were attached to these photos then what I know to be the case in real life. I had some urges to check up on the ex and see if she had removed me from her blocked list yet, as a Sign of Hope. Thankfully the internet cut out on me at the most opportune time and I stopped that task. I'm considering doing it today, but really shouldn't. I've read some material that says the longer after the breakup, the more difficult it will be to get back together. Not that the ex will "forget" about you, but just not care about you in her life anymore. Seems silly. The break up happened in February and just now am I realizing all the things I did wrong. I'm not holding out hope to get back with her, I just want to get over her. If I do get back with her after that fact, then so be it.

Day 2 Completely removed any form of contact and had some bad feelings at the beginning of the day. Just simple thoughts wondering if I would see her again, meet her again and how I can improve myself during the time. I went out for a while with my Father and watched a few movies. Being all alone does not help in this situation and I find that I need to regain independence, being happy on my own, and then contact other people.

I'm taking up the No Contact challenge to try and salvage a relationship that may be lost forever. My hope is that I will grow comfortable enough without my ex that I can see her and be myself. Not needy, no whining, no pity. Just a good time to help raise that first, small initial spark. Short 30 minute meeting for tea and cookies with a brand new outfit. First I need to get through the 30 days and that is why I am here. It will be much easier once I'm back at school (In a month) but in the meantime I need to try and occupy myself. Last time I talked with my ex was at 4:30. In the hour and a half I watched one film, started another and have been some stuff to make sure I didn't screw it up completely (Which I'm still not sure of). My head is not stable enough to read and I do not have friends in the area. I plan to exercise a whole lot more. I would try to learn a language, but the one I have started reminds me of the ex-girlfriend.