THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[Clabs]

Hey He2etic

 

Sorry to hear about your hernia - that really sucks. I agree - try and stay away from surgery if you can recover without it. I am currently suffering with a chipped disk in my back which has gone on for so long and hurts like hell, but physio is SLOWLY working. My consultant is very conservative when it comes to operations because of the issues with scar tissue etc so I hope that I too can recover without it.

 

Good luck mate and I hope the pain eases a bit soon. Oh - and good for you on the 2 weeks!

 

Mark

[StillSmiling]

Day 25

 

As 30 Days gets closer the roller coaster is back on. This morning I have a touch of something I had yet to feel in the journey; PISSED OFF!

 

At almost 3 months of this nonsense, I have never been able to get mad at him. Not even a touch. Just deep sadness as I really do believe in how much he loved me, and that he really did want it to work. I also really believed, too much so, that most of the blame should fall on me. For my "workaholic ways" and for being so independent.

 

This morning I woke up thinking: That SOB! I love my work, am successful and DO have a healthy balance of work and play. I spent 4/5 days and nights with you a week, mostly on your time schedule, not mine. You are just LAZY. And if I didn't run to you with every little problem or rare bad day I had, it was because I was being respective of you and simply wanted to "bring my best to the table" when I was with you. How DARE you make me feel bad about what I consider good and healthy traits!

 

The guy is a bit unstable, insecure and very immature. And I can't believe I allowed him to make me feel so crappy for all of these months. Including some of the time when we were still together.

 

Now I REALLY want to break NC just so I can blast him! LOL But I won't.

 

Amazing the clarity that comes with time and NC. Stay strong fellow NCers. I am so grateful to have found this sight and followed the great advice from so many. The fog is lifting and the picture just wasn't as pretty in reality as it was in my mind. I hope I can hold onto these feelings as I feel the most powerful I have been in way too long of time.

 

As my therapist said when he first walked out: "You will look back on this and be grateful it was only 8 1/2 months, and not 8 1/2 years". Oh so true!

[The Mad Pagan]

So far, so good. I just want it to be over.

[Steve 7745]

Boy... if there differences between StillSmiling and The Mad Pagan's entries are anything to go by, guys really do have it easy.

[thatdoggirl]

Day 2

 

Today is going a bit better then yesterday. I still have a lot of anger and sadness in me. I just realized last night that I left my trash can and vacumm at the apartment so I have to go back sometime today before he gets back from work so I can keep with the no contact. Ugh, not looking forward to the feeling of when I go to an empty apartment to pick up the last of my stuff but darn it, I really need that vacumm. Haha. On the brightside I'm meeting a guy today to go to the movie with... he and I are just looking for a friendship. But I'm thinking soon I might try dating a little bit. However, I'm not looking to rush into any relationships especially with it being so soon.

[The Mad Pagan]

Heh.

 

I didn't have anything easy, really. I have spent a lot of time on longer, more in-depth posts, but I'm so sick of this break-up and thinking about things that I just want to let it all go already.

 

The only reason I'm still posting at all is because I've dedicated myself to the challenge.

 

Break-ups SUCK.

[StillSmiling]

Heh.

 

I didn't have anything easy, really. I have spent a lot of time on longer, more in-depth posts, but I'm so sick of this break-up and thinking about things that I just want to let it all go already.

 

The only reason I'm still posting at all is because I've dedicated myself to the challenge.

 

Break-ups SUCK.

 

Agree. I have read your posts before while in the depths of it all.

 

I don't think it's a gender thing at all. More of how dynamic the relationship/break up was, how sensitive we are as people, age and past experiences ... blah blah blah.

 

I used to think guys walked away easier. After spending time on this board, I don't believe that any more. Perhaps as females we tend to be a bit more expressive at times.

[Johnathan]

I can't believe this is happening.

[KaylaJoy]

Hey still smiling:

 

Way to go on getting angry! Feels good to take up for yourself doesn't it?! You go girl!

[StillSmiling]

Hey still smiling:

 

Way to go on getting angry! Feels good to take up for yourself doesn't it?! You go girl!

 

YES!!! so this is Day 25.999 and it was a great one! The little turd! LOL

 

Thanks Kayla

[The Mad Pagan]

I really am running out of things to say about the whole thing. I admit to missing him, and I admit that I wish things would have gone differently. I know now, however, that things could not have worked the way they were. There was too much conflict on both sides, and too much unresolved tension.

 

I still think about it regularly, but I don't understand why. I keep telling myself I should be over it by now. I guess I just need to give myself more time and not judge my heart for not hearing what my brain has been saying for months.

 

I keep on keepin' on, even when it hurts.

[StillSmiling]

Day 26

 

Getting a bit easier. Went out last night and again met some new people. Trying to stay busy really does help, even when it is hard to get motivated to do so. My first month after he walked out, I pretty much locked myself in the house and cried and felt awful. The four walls were my enemy. Feels good to get dressed up and feel "pretty" again.

 

Wish I was still as pissed off as I was yesterday, but I never was able to stay mad at anyone. *sigh* But that awful stabbing in my solar plexus is beginning to subside so there is a healing happening ... finally.

 

I have been mulling over what to do at 30 Days. A few weeks ago I never thought I would make it, yet now it is only 4 days away. A few weeks ago I thought I would use that marker as an excuse to have contact and try the "friends" thing. Now I'm not so sure what to do, if anything

 

In rehashing all of this, I am starting to wonder what we would really have being just friends. He is an avid golfer (handicap 7) and plays 3,4, or 5 times a week. He is always so critical behind others back about their ability that I would never golf with him. He is a musician and of coarse I would often go to his gigs. But I was in sorts his groupie as he played his sax (my fav) and he sang songs looking directly at me, eyes twinkling. That too would we gone. So much of what we did together, where we traveled together would just not have the same "sense" or fun about it. It was all so intensely wrapped together with romanticism and intimacy that I can't quite get my head around what it would even be like to not have that be a part of spending time with him. I think I may be coming to a conclusion that there is no reason to pursue a friendship.

 

Still painfully crave to see him. But I think it is now more about getting "stuff off my chest" and perhaps rubbing in what a good thing he threw away (?).

 

What do others do here when that famous 30 Day marker is finally met?

[thatdoggirl]

To the person above about the 30 day mark. I think the 30 day challenge is probably a minimum. I've heard it takes 3 weeks for someone to ummm... I guess let's say adapt to change. Like moving to a new city and such. Then again for others it takes more time. It just depends on how you feel. If you get to day 30 and feel like you are ready to give the "friends" thing a shot then try it but if you have any doubts maybe set another goal and lengthen the time a bit until you are. Or maybe you'll find that you are better off not trying the "friends" thing and can handle having them out of your life. It's up to you what you do. That's just my thoughts.

 

Now onto...

DAY 3

 

I was reading another post SuperDave71 wrote over on another message board about not showing up to their residence. However, I didn't know that yesterday so I went to pick up the leftover stuff and brought my little brother along so I didn't have to feel so depressed walking into an apartment with no one there. Atleast I knew he was at work so there was no risk of seeing him and being tempted to break the NC. Last night was the first night I had gone out and done something. I ended up meeting that guy friend (not a date...) at the movies and going to BW3's afterwards. I'm shy whenever meeting new people but I tried talking some... he ended up being a little bit nerdy but we had some stuff in common and he was rambling on and on since I was someone he had just met. It was nice to make a new guy friend since I haven't made a new guy friend in a while.

 

However, at the end when driving back home I began thinking of my ex and how much I missed him. I looked in the sky and noticed a full moon. Whenever I was with my ex and saw a full moon in the sky it was always when we'd be having a great night. Then I went to bed because I had to be up early for work and found myself slipping into short periods of sleep but waking up thinking about things.

 

On the ride to work this morning it was still dark out and I got angry thinking about everything and then I saw the darn full moon again and the song that came on the radio was a Tom Petty song (which I listened to a lot growing up and it was just the wrong time to be playing)... I cried a bit but singing along help calm me down. I got ahold of myself.

 

I've been doing a lot more reading of SuperDave71's posts and know that I just have to keep up with this no contact thing. I'm strong enough. I can do it. I keep hoping that 30 days will be enough time for me to get over it and be able to be his friend because that's what I want. I'm just not sure... I may need longer... but I don't know how I'm going to feel in the upcoming days so I guess I just have to wait it out and in the meantime focus on myself. Which I need to do A LOT more of since I find myself sometimes wondering what he's up to this weekend and how soon or if he may attempt contact again or if he realizes what I'm doing and will leave me alone. All of these things I keep wondering needs to eventually stop so I can focus on myself. It's tough... it really is like an obsessive addiction. Not fun at all.

[mattysfun]

Day whatever.

doesnt really matter.

 

i miss my ex.

but he doesnt care

he never wants to speak to me again.

 

i cant stop thinking about him.

but nothing.

just ugh

 

hopefully he'll be back soon

[Steve 7745]

Day 15.

 

Pain is subsiding from sportman's hernia. Tried some ab exercises and stretching this morning, don't feel much. Going to take it easy and see if stretching and ab exercises tonight and tomorrow morning will let me work out again this Sunday.

 

I felt some urge to try and call the ex today, but talked myself out of it with little difficulty. Wish things didn't end the way they did. It just seemed so much by chance. But, maybe in time we could reconcile. But I won't be banking on it.

[KaylaJoy]

day 2, all over again. I cried myself to sleep last night...sobbed for about an hour, then woke up this morning feeling bad over my pity party from last night.

I'm ok. just really want the space now, but still feel like if he were to call I would speak, just to be polite, I think I might be OK for the bridge to be burnt, but don't want it to go up in flames, and at my hand...maybe it will just smolder away by itself.

either way, he's cold and distant, and he gives me nothing - no energy, no positivity, no good feelings, when I do talk to him, I only end up feeling bad, and questioning myself, and wondering what's wrong with me.

I want to talk to someone who WANTS to talk to me back. That's not Mark. So what's the point?

[Butterflygrl]

Dave, I am praying for you. Youare going through a lot. I hope you find peace and friends here. We are here for you.

[Steve 7745]

Day 16.

 

Early morning. Been thinking about her. Thinking and pondering why it really ended. I will never know. I will never know, and in all likelihood, not even she knows for sure. I've tried before. To talk to exs and try to grasp where we went wrong, and half the time, they aren't interested in talking. Other times, they don't have a clue.

 

Why do I always feel anxious in the summer? Is there something that happened in my past which robs me of my ability to maintain poise during the hottest months? I'll have to ponder that hard.

[broken_arro]

21 Days

 

I feel so much better. Still thinking of her though, however I am not sure if I want her back anymore. NC has given me time to think about our relationship and it looks like, although I wasn't treating her the way she wanted, she made much more serious mistakes while together and I have come to believe that she wasn't 100% honest with me all the time, the later being a real deal-breaker for me.

[The Mad Pagan]

Good gods, I can't believe I've made it this far. It's been REALLY hard. I think I am resolved and ready to get over things, then I'll suddenly sink into thoughts of the relationship.

 

I'm not just a good person--I'm a great person. I just happened to have some self esteem issues that I needed to work through. Why couldn't he see that I was trying? I was going to therapy for it, for pete's sake! It disappoints me so much that he didn't give me the time to get my act together. Guess what: it happened. Now he's missing out on probably the best thing he could have ever had.

 

I'm going to be a physician (it's in the cards for sure based on the fact that I'm almost done with my bachelor's degree in Biochemistry, and my grades and involvement are spectacular). I'm gentle and kind, intelligent and humorous. I treated him like I myself would like to be treated, and he left me in the dust. What in Hades is wrong with him! Gah!

[StillSmiling]

Day 27

 

It is true, we do heal. There is a calm this morning that I've not felt before. I think acceptance has begun to set in. It's all still so very sad, but it wouldn't have worked out in the long run. I am now starting to feel grateful that it didn't go on longer and he ended it when he did.

 

MadPagan, I am also beginning to get my self esteem back as well. It's been a tough road. So good for you!

 

I feel like I am coming out of this a much better and wiser person.

 

Only 3 more days to the big 30. I will "test" the box of his mementos to see how I feel on that day. I suspect it will still be an ouch, but no longer the crushing pain I've been burdened with for the past 3 months.

 

This 30 day challenge was the best advice I was given and it has proven to be so helpful in not continuing to harm myself by setting myself up for more rejection. And yes, as another poster said, it is almost a bit empowering

 

Best to all of you and this same journey..

[Steve 7745]

Day 16.5

 

I broke NC slightly by looking at her Facebook. It wasn't that shocking. I shouldn't have done it, and now I'm questioning what the point was.

 

So, why do I have such an urge to write right now? Not to her, but like my stories....

[yankeefan74]

Well, even though my relationship ended on the first of July, this is really my third day of no contact.

 

About a month and a half went by of daily conversations - not always about "us", but regular contact. There were discussions about getting back together that ultimately went nowhere - there was random making out, hand holding...tears on both sides, hugs, more kissing, but ultimately, she was with a guy less than a 2 weeks after we split, and she's still with him. It's the "happiest she's ever been", "i never thought i'd meet someone just like me" (That's a scary thought, there are two of them out there? Yikes! lol) etc.

 

She called me constantly...emailed me, sent me texts...we work together, so she'd come over and just want to hang out and talk. She wanted to do things with me outside of work, was "terrified" at the thought of us drifting apart...that all we'd become were people who said "hello" at work.

 

Well, that's what we've become. She sent me an email the other day that basically said that i shouldn't call her (haven't called her once since she broke up with me. wanted too, but i haven't), don't text her (I sent her a text message to tell her i was glad she finally got to go see her parents a few weeks ago after more than a year of not seeing them - and i also sent her a text that said "It hurts seeing you, but it also hurts not seeing you. Being friends isn't going to work.")

 

Emails have been the downfall. But she has called me on several occasions, only to go quite quickly when the boyfriend calls. They had a fight about her and i still talking, at least, that's what it seems like, regardless, she's decided that no contact is the best thing. Which, of course, i've been trying to do for a couple weeks now. So that's a good thing.

 

But again, today is day three. She's away through wednesday, so i won't even see her at work until thursday...

 

We'll see how it goes. She has overpowering insecurities, and every time i've tried to pull away in the previous month and a half, a couple of days goes by, and then she can't stand it - so she calls or emails and tells me how much she's "Hurting" by not seeing me. Yes, i've emailed her back - but she always the one to initiate the contact. In one case, she literally just called to tell me how much her electric bill was that month. I assume the electric bill was just the excuse to call.

 

I have to admit that this is tough...tougher than i thought it would be. As much as i know all of the things about her that i put up with, that i shouldn't have - i still miss her. It's as simple as that, i miss her presense in my life. I've wanted to text her and tell her, but i haven't. Every time i do this, i envision her leaving for her trip, seeing my message, and thinking "Yep, i still got the hooks him in."

[StillSmiling]

Day 16.5

 

I broke NC slightly by looking at her Facebook. It wasn't that shocking. I shouldn't have done it, and now I'm questioning what the point was.

 

So, why do I have such an urge to write right now? Not to her, but like my stories....

 

 

Write on! It's great therapy to write. I looked at his link removed status last night. Yep, "active within 24 hours" ... so he has not yet found the "new one".

 

Kinda felt good in a very mean way ...

[StillSmiling]

Yankee, stay strong. Remember the friends thing at this stage is only to ease the dumper guilt and have the cake and eat it too ... and for the dumpee to have a thread of hope to hold on to.

 

NC is REALLY hard, but asthe days click away it does become easier. Day 27 here and SO much stronger than I thought I would be.