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THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71


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Day 1 (again)

 

I can't take talking to my ex anymore like a stranger.

 

I tried asking her if she was OK with our random encounter last weekend. Maybe she was a bit confused by it, maybe she felt SOMETHING. Her response was "Yeah, it was fine". Even then, it took her a day to respond.

 

I told her that the reason I asked was because I realised that while it was nice to see her, it made me realise that I still care about her. I explained that I know where I stand and didn't want to freak her our but I was just being honest. No response from her.

 

She avoids any conversation about me and her. It's pretty harsh of her if you ask me. It makes me feel so worthless. Did she ever care about me?! Seems pretty unlikely seeing as the second she breaks up with me, I become a stranger to her. I might as well be dead as far as she is concerned.

 

Not once has she said she hurt over the break up. Not once has she asked me how I've been about the break up. Nothing. That's the worst thing.

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Mustang - the reason not talking to your ex for a month can be helpful for communication is because they have a reason to miss you. Trying to talk too soon results in what you got - a resistance and coldness.

Again if you are going to communicate with your ex - it's not about NC it's about LC - and the best way for LC to work is to take your needs out of the picture for awhile and concentrate on respectfulness, taking cues through body language and having gaps in between discussions. It might seem weird when you were so intimate - but if an ex is keeping you at arms length, that's what they are trying to tell you : "I'm willing to speak to you - but this is a different relationship now. Please respect that."

 

gee - you snuck up on me with graduating! LOL - Congrats to our new graduate gee - completing 30 days!!!! Glad you are feeling the feects and on your way to moving on!!

 

Yay - lexion went to a movie! I'm so glad to hear that!

 

Artop - thank you for putting it so clearly. I agree with you and hope others will take what you said seriously.

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Okay guys, id just like to get some things out - she did respond eventually to the email.

I wont deny that it was great to hear from her, and i do feel relieved that i got some things off my chest.

 

I do feel free right now. I know that she has some uncondtional love for me too, so im relieved to know that i havent been giving everything. She expressed that she still thinks about me everyday, and that she still really cares about me. She knows ill move on sometime, and said that id make an amazing boyfriend

I know that im still hurting from some things, like her moving on so suddenly, and i know shes getting involved with another guy. I told her this and i said i still cared, and hoped she doesnt rush into anything, she assured me that she wasnt though.

 

Ive learnt knew things about myself, that evolves around my depression. I know that its not all because of her. I only wish that she could help me get through it, but i guess it might make me stronger if i make it through on my own.. ?

 

I know i have a lot to offer, so all is not lost... i know one day we might be friends, i agree with her that its too early right now. But i regard her as one of the main people that understands everything about me.

 

There must be other girls out there though, and we might even make a better relationship. Id love for that to happen.. Im not looking to get back with my ex anymore, especially after the hurt she has recently caused me, and after seeing (i hate to say it) flaws. I know she has some immature characteristics that she needs to grow out of...I just wonder when the day will come when she sees them.. i am worried for her. Shes not right for me, at least not right now.

 

I look forward to fully move on, and meet someone brilliant!

I will continue NC guys, im not fully sure wether ill continue the challange by counting down the days though... im not sure if it works for me, because it feels like im expecting something after the 30 days. I believe we can all heal, but the time is irrelevant and is specific to each person.. 30 days i guess could be the average.

I will continue to keep everyone updated on my process though. And i will gladly give anyone support on this website. I hope youre all doing well.

 

All my Best,

Sam xx

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30 days has to to with a biological clock we have within. I respect that people want to do it their own way and CAN - but remember the month long process is a natural, scientific detox. It levels your system. That's why it works.

 

Please don't come to the thread and discredit it because it works. It's foolish to do so.

That said absolutely do NC/LC in the way you want. No one can make you do things - you have the best judgement since it is your life. You are the master of your own destiny and deserve to be in control your own healing.

 

Sam - I'm glad you are getting more understanding of depression and what it means.

I'm so thrilled you are seeing things objectively now - a huge difference from when you first started!! Your growth will continue and thank you for being a major contributor/supporter on this thread!

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Sam,

 

I feel for you. Your not getting the responses you want when you do contact her so why do it?

 

I know exactly how your feeling b/c I drunk dialled my ex at the weekend and it didnt go down well at all. he was with his new g/f at the moment I called but i didnt know that ).

 

I have been total no contact now for 3 days, and know it might as well be 33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 because I must not contact him again. ever.

 

I think your still hurting so bad that just to get a teeny bit of healing for your heart you need to psychologically 'put her down' which is what the NC helps to achieve.

 

Also, your not really giving her any space to miss you are you? She knows your still pining for her so shes got you on a 'back burner' and knows she can come running back if her new relationship goes wrong.

 

Iv seen a lot of your posts and your just such a lovely guy I want the best result for you. Go complete NC Sam. Do it for YOU.

 

lots of good wishes and a because I can tell your hurting x

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Awww thanks for that Hope Springs! i have needed a hug

 

honey im not denying that NC is a good thing! i do believe it works.. im not trying to put anyone off either..

 

I am in NC guys honestly, But i know now that she still cares for me, so its reciprocated.

I feel better, and i willl move on, especially with everything ive learnt.

 

I will still continue the NC process/challange, im just not sure if ill count down the days... it could be 60days for all i know... i just want to let myself heal without the clock ticking.

 

I know what you mean about her possibly thinking she has me on the back burner, but honestly? even if she thinks she does..she'll get a kick in the A*** when she finds out or sees me on a date with someone else... im not waiting for her anymore.

Even if she begs me, id expect her to learn more about herself first, and in a sense 'Grow up'

 

Im going out tonight... wish me luck! Shes ruined the recent outings ive had, so i am a bit apprehensive i have to admit

 

xx

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Sam, I know you've been going through a tough time with your ex, but I am glad that you kind of have some kind of closure and your ex has opened up to you to express how she's felt about the whole thing.

 

I think part of the problem with why I feel so * * * * is that I thought that seeing my ex again would trigger something in her. I thought she'd at least be able to tell me something about how hard the break up was or how she never meant to hurt me or that she cares about me or something. Anything. It's either heartless of my ex to be like that or immature. I don't really know which to be honest. I don't think she realises that her just blanking me whenever the subject of me and her comes up is unfair on me. I think she just finds it easier to run away from it and let me cope with it on my own.

 

It sounds really horrible, but I'd feel a bit better about things if my ex told me she was upset when we split. Or when we saw each other last week, did she feel anything? All I got from her was "yeah, it was fine." Gee, thanks.

 

The fact that my ex just dumped me out of the blue and then acts like we were never together is what makes me feel so terrible. It makes me feel worthless. It doesn't exactly do a lot for my confidence when it comes to other girls. I mean, if a girl who claims to love me and a girl who makes long term plans with me can just turn off how she feels about me like a light switch, then how on earth am I going to feel confident going into anything with anyone else ever again?

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Aww, I see that I missed a lot yesterday! Big *hugs* to Sam, I hope that now that you're in a better place to start NC or LC you'll be better able to maintain it.

 

I got through Day #8 yesterday fine (the sadness is finally beginning to turn to anger, which I figure must be a step of the grieving process) and am on Day #9 now.

 

I called the employer this morning and gave him a good reference. They asked a LOT of questions about my relationship with him (it's an important government agency where he would need security clearances, so they're really being thorough) but the woman was really nice so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I felt a bit embarrassed when she asked a question where I had no choice but to confess that I was his ex-girlfriend, but it was actually a good thing--We laughed a bit about his having put down an ex-girlfriend as a job reference, and then some more when she had to ask me whether I thought he was trustworthy...

 

But now it's over and done with. She told me that I should tell him that we'd spoken, but I haven't contacted him as of yet. Trying to decide if it's really necessary--It does seem like he'll know when they offer him the job! On the other hand, he really, really owes me for this and it is tempting to point that out to him. They actually wanted to meet with me IN PERSON and it was only my being on vacation that saved me from having to do that. Can you imagine? Meeting someone in person to tell them how great your ex is and how they should definitely hire him?

 

The world is a crazy place...

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Well as you may all know I am currently in phase 2 nc with the recent ex 6 days NC going strong. I having the most horrific nightmares..mainly to do with my ex and also my mum abusing me when I was a child....some awful stuff and kind of makes me wake up a bit confused..

 

However, my first ex before my recent one has never been out of the picture completely really. We were together 5 years and it turned out to be an awful relationship. He became very violent and was ver verbally abusive. I also had an abortion in this relationship too. However, he broke up with me Jan 2007 as he slept with someone else..and she got pregnant..She has now had the baby and the baby is 4 months old. He is not with her...but since Jan 07. The longest he goes without contacting me is 7 days..before calling, emailing, texting e.t.c He knew about my previous relationship and he would still text e.t.c. He still says he still loves me, but I dont want him as the relationship we had was toxic. We were engaged, and I kind of think he may want to get back together at some point, but I cant now..especially now he has a lovechild and he doesnt really take any responsibility for the violence..He has come and seen me on occasions because this Ex was a very abusive controlling man and thrives when I am a damsell in distress. And since breaking up with my recent ex...he has been all over me like a rash...helping me out with money...food e.t.c Its all very nice...but I dont love him anymore. He is toxic and has hurt me a lot. I dont have a mother or father to turn too, which is probably why I have accepted his "help"...

 

So it has been about 10 days since I last heard from him and today on cue I get a text saying... I hope your ok puppy, im working hard and have a bad cold.x

 

I am thinking of NC'ing him too...I have abandonment issues which is why I am finding it hard to tell him where to go.. I havent replied to the message yet...

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Thanks Hope Springs it turns out, i have recently been thinking about this other girl, she was really respectful of my relationship with my ex and even had the guts to tell me! We get on pretty well, and i know she is much more mature (as shes a few years older). Im not going to start anything though, because i dont think im ready... but it would be good if she could restore my faith in women! haha

And im going out tonight, so i hope my ex doesnt ruin it all for me Agaain. Im acctually a bit worried I havent had a good one in months!

 

Mustang, i feel you man, im pretty sure she must be acting this way because she just doesnt want to let her guard down. I think she must be hurting, especially if you had a long relationship.. she could just be stubborn, and mightve put a wall up.

its best for you to carry on as you are man... youll get better, honestly! Even then, you'll find someone better that will treat you properly ... and wont drop a bomshell like this on you!

 

bronte thanks for your support hun x

 

GetMeBack i dont really know what to say to you! you do have a tough situation! Im glad your NC with your current ex is getting better, as for your other ex..hmm it might be good for you to do NC with him to? im not completely sure.. i mean its good that he's helping you out.. but its true he might have a hidden agenda...

maybe you could explain this all to him? and he might stick by you? hope your ok hun x

 

Keep Faith Everyone! x

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Day one for me. 24 hours after I told him not to contact me until he made some kind of decision. And of course I've heard nothing. Didn't really expect it, I guess. It'll be interesting to see how long HE can go without contacting me. Of course it'll hurt if it goes too long... But I've already made the decision that if I don't hear from him within a month I will be filing divorce papers.

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day 5!!! I had a rough weekend, but i feel good. we had been LC for about 6 weeks, haven't IM'ed him since wednesday, and have been strong since. If he hasn't already he should def notice that I've pulled away by the end of this week.

 

I finnally feel like I have the power to make me happy again!

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I think that this is day 6 or 7 for me but im not really sure....

 

 

but it has been officially 42 days since i have talked to or seen the ex....he returns in two months....we will see what happens at that point....keep strong everyone and i will try to keep postin daily...

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hey question. I am on day 5, but he IM'ed me today without any initiation, I was polite and wrote back after 10 mins, then said i had to run into a meeting. Does that mean my NC is over? I didn't contact him and since i never announced NC and we have been LC for 6 weeks before this, did i blow it?

 

I would usually talk his head off, but i was nice and cut it short. thoughts? I'm still not going to initiate anything.

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Mustang, im pretty sure she must be acting this way because she just doesnt want to let her guard down. I think she must be hurting, especially if you had a long relationship.. she could just be stubborn, and mightve put a wall up.

 

You're absolutely right.

 

I can understand that she's scared that things will just go back to how they were. I don't want things to go back to how they were at all.

 

The hard thing is that I can sense that she still cares but she just doesn't want to bring it up.

 

She's obviously enjoying her freedom and doesn't want to go back to being restricted by me. But it wouldn't be like that. I just want a chance.

 

But, she's being so cold and I'll just have to disappear.

 

It hurts so much because I really believed that we could work everything out. I thought it'd just take time. But the fact that I told her yesterday that I still care and sometimes wish we could try again and she has completely ignored me says all I need to know.

 

Although, a simple text telling me no would've been a lot easier than her just turning her back on me, but pffffft, I can't be arsed with it anymore.

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i broke NC today, today was day 4, i sent a text message asking exactly "whats up" i got no reply. it annoys me for her to turn her back to me in such a way i feel bad about it but im still hoping maybe her phone was in her car etc. and maybe she will text back but who knows. im just posting to update on my self lol

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So Day 11.

 

it was a good day! I still stings (but doesn't totally hurt anymore) seeing my ex everyday. He has ditched the glasses for contacts now. He looks so different people can barely recognize him. Total sell out. Um I've been flirting with this guy that is really cute. I don't really like the guy but he is a good distraction. I just can't stand seeing my ex flirt with other girls! To be honest, I'm just jealous! I'm jealous that he likes somebody and is going to take her to prom and I'm not as happy as he is. I don't want him, I don't want him to take me to prom. I don't want to ever see him. I just wish that I could come out the winner and him the loser! Immature, right? =/

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awesome mustang if you ask me i think she is trying to imply a call im happy for you, that little bit of contact is a big break through, how ever how you wish to act upon it is another story lol i dont think i would blow it up right when i got that message wait like a day or two? i dont know.. either way happy for ya man

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Okay. I'm in. I WAS on day 4, but I blew it about an hour ago, when I text to tell him I was still hurting, and missed him badly. He just text back asking if it was me who sent the text? Duh!

 

I won't reply, so time and date stamp me. This will be hard.

 

Cali Girl

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hey question. I am on day 5, but he IM'ed me today without any initiation, I was polite and wrote back after 10 mins, then said i had to run into a meeting. Does that mean my NC is over? I didn't contact him and since i never announced NC and we have been LC for 6 weeks before this, did i blow it?

 

I would usually talk his head off, but i was nice and cut it short. thoughts? I'm still not going to initiate anything.

 

Yes your NC is over. While you're in NC, you're not suppose to respond to ANY CONTACT AT ALL. Not only in terms of initiating, but also in responding.

 

But then again, NC isn't for everybody. Some find it easier to maintain LC. Whatever works for you, works.

 

Day 58 today.

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