he won't let me heal :(

[persuaded]

Hi everyone...

 

It has been just over 3 months now that we broke up and although i admitedly broke NC over the holidays to say Merry Christmas all I got in return was "I'd like to see you at some point but don't want to get your hopes up"

 

So... On the 27th of Dec. i promised myself not to break NC again. It is humiliating for him to think that I want his pity...

 

But over New Year's Eve and the next day he texted me twice to say he missed me...

 

And yesterday on my birthday again the same... Then tried to call but I didn't answer....

 

Now I find an email with the following lyrics on them only...

 

 

"I hear you laugh, I heard you sing

I wouldn’t change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning

The drummers begin to drum

I don’t know which way I’m going

I don’t know what I’ve become"

 

For you I’d wait till kingdom come

Until my days, my days are done

And say you'll come and set me free

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me"

 

What do I do?? Break NC? Say what??? I'm actually feeling confused and hurt and I don't know what he wants from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

help? ](*,)

[Biffy]

Send him the lyrics to "Die, Die, Die My Darling" by the Misfits.

 

I'm kidding, I'm in the same boat with my ex - even though I've told her to ONLY contact me if she wants to reconcile she still contacts me via email or tries to phone me.

 

I ignore every attempt my ex makes to contact me and I suggest you do the same.

 

If he persists tell him (if you haven't already) not to contact you unless he wants to reconcile - if that's what you ulitmately want?

[persuaded]

i think i will ignore...

 

eveytime i go with my instinct and reply he only pulls away and lets me down.

 

thank you Z...

 

i'm hoping that one day we will be out of this vicious circle and that the hurting will cease... My wish for 2007 i guess...

[danman4968]

I used to think the ones still in contact with their ex's were the lucky ones. I now realize how lucky i am to have an ex who could care less about talking to me...makes it alot easier for me. I feel bad for you...but honestly i wouldnt fool around with your ex...i think you should just pretend you never got the email and continue on with your life (i know how hard that is), no reason to tell him how you feel, im sure he already knows anyways ignoring him will say more than you can...there is a reason he is your ex after all right?

 

Things probably will never be the same between both of you...so why bother reconciling?

[EvaGina]

gah

I hate people like that!!

He doesnt actually want to make anything better, he just wants you to want him...

 

Good on you for being strong and keeping up NC

[persuaded]

true... once the glass is shattered you cannot go back and fix it, right?

 

the most infuriating thing though is that afer a break up ... you feel bombarded by so many different emotions (anger, loss, sadness, pity) and healing seems to take forever!

[danman4968]

true... once the glass is shattered you cannot go back and fix it, right?

 

the most infuriating thing though is that afer a break up ... you feel bombarded by so many different emotions (anger, loss, sadness, pity) and healing seems to take forever!

 

yes...which SUCKED for me...i am extremely impatient...but it made me a more patient person. Try and keep your mind occupied and it will go faster

[persuaded]

Eva ... You are right and very often i dismiss my sudden urge to call or email back because i think that he is doing it out of selfishness but...

 

occasionally don't you feel that if you don't respond you might have 'lost the chance' of actually being with that person?

[blender]

It NOT true that if you do NOT respond you lose the chance of being with that person. It's the opposite. If you set the standard of "no contact" after time and time again of breaking it, only to RE-LEARN THE SAME PAINFUL LESSON of going to a dry well for water... well, as long as you are willing to sacrifice your own self respect and standards/values on your own heart, then the ex will continue to do the same to you, No contact is what makes the ex who really authentically is ready to love you, come a running back in time...

 

He did NOT ask ONE question of you in those contacts, in the email he did the "lyrics bit"..ugh.. that means he wants to "provoke emotion in you and to know he still can, YET, he does NOT want any emotional responsibilty towards you.

 

When an ex is really sincere about an intentional effort to win back your heart, trust that they become very "clear about it" no games, no lyrics, no "I want to see you, but I'm not sure when, don't want to get your hopes up"....ugh.. that sentence reeks of someone who needs an occasional "ego boost" yet has no clear emotionally sincere responsible intentional effort to win your heart.

 

See when he says, "don't want to get your hopes up" he's clearly making sure that if you agree to "see him" or have "contact with him" then it's YOU that is willing to take the risk... because he clearly is NOT ready to be mature enough to committ to working on the relationship, it's more his way of "keeping you just there"...this is HIS pattern, and has nothing to do with YOU.. it's all about him, his ego, his issues, his "life pattern"... and as long as you are just "there" he will never have to clearly make an effort to win back your heart..why should he, you're just "there".

 

The good news is that YOU are no longer going to make a choice to be "victim" to his emotional instability and ego/curiosity texts/emails...

 

The most powerful, attractive and empowering thing for you to do is to maintain "no contact" UNLESS, he intentionally states a clear effort to want to make it work as a couple, until he states that clearly in a texts, email or phone call where he says "I miss you, I love you, I made a mistake, I want to make US work, and I've discovered that I am willing to do it, I can't stand that you are not responding to me, I undestand that I haven't been clear up till this point, so now I am ASKING will you please talk to me?".

 

Well unless his text/email/or call states the above sentence? then there is NO reason to have any contact, it's too painful, you are still too vulnerable, and until he actually has time to experience the authentic, realistic loss of YOU, (by YOU maintaining no contact for your own healing) he may never ever have the opportunity to discover any authentic feelings,

 

and for sure, he will not have any motivation to put his cards on the table, why should he? so far it's been easy to just put a few "crumbs" on the table to get you to come a running....

 

GOOD NEWS.. because TODAY THAT CHANGES.. you will no longer respond to "crumbs" (lyrics).

 

YOU want and deserve the "whole cake"... and the ONLY way to get it, is to ignore the "crumbs".. ignore them and they lose thier power... and if he's grown enough to make a mature, intentional effort to win your heart, than your "no contact" will force him to show up with the "whole cake".

 

If not, well then he's not worthy of your precious energy, heart, body, soul... those belong to you, so cherish them and then someone else will come along who will too......he has his chance, it's up to him, not YOU.. if he "wakes up" and "steps up" fine, if not, HIS loss, and YOU are on to bigger, better, brighter, more wonderful things...YOUR possibilities are endless....

[blender]

P.S. maybe you can re-title this post to be: "until now I wouldn't let myself heal"

[Biffy]

Wow Blender, your posts always make me feel good.

 

Thanks!

[evening_light]

Good post Blender, this is your definition of "crumbs" from a previous post...

 

""CRUMBS"": definition: (friendly calls once in awhile, no commitment, no effort to work on it, no promises, mixed signals, no comfort or ease of being your true self, afraid your authentic feelings will scare them off...just so happy to have any kind of contact, etc)

 

Totally agree!!

[blender]

Yes, I often use my "crumbs" definition and analogy, because I used to be used to "crumbs" myself.....not anymore..but it does take the "gift" of heartache to realize you don't have to settle..

[persuaded]

Thanks for that... It is so often that I fall into the transe of 'but if i call then he will reconsider' that I don't stop to think 'hey!' What is this guy really offering me here?'

 

You are right about not settling for crumbs...

 

I refuse to do this anymore. I've waited for committment (not necessarily marriage but 'I want to be with you 100%) but i haven't heard it in the last two years.

 

Self respect is what needs to be maintained or regained after a break up and I am not giving in!!!!!

 

again thank you.

[meantime]

Blender...awesome post.

[insofar]

Personally, I would tell them clearly not to contact unless they wanted to reconcile (as I did with my ex) then block email, IM, and other internet methods from them. Tell them you're doing so. If they want to get in contact with you, let them phone you. That avoids them taking the easy routes of contact where they can be vague about what they want and lets you immediately ask what they want if they do contact you.

 

It's all about saving you unnecessary pain and letting you move on. 95% of the time, you won't get back together, so the best thing to do is to stop thinking about it, and you can't do that when they keep reaching out to you and pulling back.

[onelittleladybug]

Blender - that was an awesome advice! Just awesome.

 

Persuaded - I'm in a similar situation. My ex fiance has been very vague with me since our breakup and said things like "I don't want you to wait for me" while he also says he wants to spend time with me and see where that goes, that he misses me and has some hope. Its enough to drive anyone nuts and its showing me a side of him that I don't want to know about. I don't want to see him act like a j***. I want to be able to remember him the way I knew him, as a wonderful person. I recently called him and told him that at this point, I needed an effort to spend time together (he moved 800 miles away after the breakup) and try to work things out whether that meant we would get back together or at least build a foundation for a friendship. He took it like I was giving him an ultimatum and once again acted like the power was all his. I told him that this wasn't his decision, this was my decision to make but I needed some information from him to make it. I figure at this point, honestly hes spoiled. He's been spoiled by my dedication to try to work things out which he has had for a long time now. Every time we had a fight when we were together he turned it into an issue of whether or not to break up - even way before either of us was ever ready for it. I always fought for our relationship. But I'm done - I wont do it anymore. So I told him I wouldn't be contacting him again as I was not ready to be friends but if he changed his mind and wanted to try to work things out I hope he gives me a call. I agree with Blender - I think theres a very slim chance he will actually do that. But I wont wait anymore. When he said "I don't think its fair to you to wait for me" I knew that deep down he wanted me to do exactly that. But I cant. Its time for me to take care of myself. Its been 6 months since the breakup and Ive never done NC before but I did LC for a while. The longest Ive ever gone without talking to him is 3 weeks and I'm only 1 week into nc but I feel 7 times better than ever before. I'm sure there will be moments when I'm not feeling this confident and may want to call but Ive finally committed to do whatever it takes to make me feel better.

 

Let us know what you decide to do.

[selfi]

*shudder* the whole lyrics sending thing is immature and reminicant of my own ex.

Ignore the lyrics, do not get enveloped in someone elses words he has given you.

[persuaded]

well ... he kept trying to call my last night and left messages again so i simply emailed him and said that his behaviour is confusing me and giving me mixed signals and that he should stop or... we should meet face to face and he can tell me clearly what he wants.

 

result? no. but of course no... he apologised for confusing me and said he didn't want to send mixed signals and that i should wait until next week and see if i really want to meet up with him..

 

i knew it i knew it i knew it!!!!!!!!!!!!! COWARD.

 

that is why all of you lovely people are so right and NC needs to be maintained.

 

i had no expecations when i sent the e-mail so i am not upset. just p****d off!

[insofar]

Whoa, don't let him put the ball in your court (though I suspect you won't anyway). It's waaaay too late for him to do that; he knows how you feel and the only thing left is for him to be direct or leave you alone. What the hell does he think he's doing saying that you should wait a week and then see if you want to meet with him? It really does seem cowardly to me.

 

Yeah, I think you should just leave it. Stop responding. He's not worth it.

[blender]

Do NOT choose to see him, do NOT contact him again, him saying: you should wait a week and see if you still want to see me". Is HIS way of making sure HE has not emotional responsibility to you, and that YOU are clear that he is NOT interested in anything more than being polite buddies with you for now..

 

so if can muster up the courage, self respect and personal integrity.. then do NOT contact him again, no good reason to.. there just isn't one emotionally healhy reason for you to have to "learn the same lesson" again.. you know better now, he's NOT willing to make an intentional respectful committed effort to be in YOUR life.. so do not give him one second more of your energy..

 

one day at a time, NO CONTACT.. it will empower you, give you back your sense of self, help you heal, regain some perspective, mourn the loss of what you "hoped could be" with him, and also now to be in "acceptance' of who he actually "revealed himself to be" in your life.. let go.. and take care of you.

[blender]

If you want a real chance at making YOURSELF HAPPY in the future, with him or without him, then it starts with you setting some values and standards for YOUR OWN HEART, and making the choice to live within those standards,

 

meaning you are no longer at the mercy of his "non-comittment" but instead, let him know that you love him, but you also love yourself, and as long as he is NOT making a loving, respectful intentional loyal effort to be exclusively with you, then you have to let him have his space, and YOU need yours as well, no more contact during "emotional limbo" time.

 

UNLESS he is clearly wanting to exclusively be a couple and build a future with you, he should not contact you.

 

I've asked this before on this site:

 

Can you name ONE self respecting emotionally healthy reason WHY a woman would choose to stay in a man's life whom she loves, and wants to be exclusive with, and build a future together, and yet he is not willing to committ to her?

[blender]

If the ex is "still not sure" then it's okay, and we can't really be "mad" at them for this, sure we are "devastated" at the time... but we can only be "mad" at ourselves IF we make a choice to stick around during this time of thier "not sure" phase. We've all beat ourselves up emotionally for hanging on to long at times.. it's part of the letting go process.. but at some point the healthy loving thing to do is to "let go".

 

it took me eight months of sobbing to get over my ex.., and he said those confusing words: "I love you, but I'm just not sure about us". I thank god, that even in my most sad moments, my voice inside me, was sure of ME.. and what was okay and healthy and loving for ME.. and if he was not "sure".. then I needed to be SURE OF MYSELF...

 

So, the one thing YOU can be sure of is YOURSELF, and if having an ex in your life "half-way, one foot in one foot out" is painful, and is making you "hang on" to the emotional habit/addiction it has become.. then it's time to respect thier "confusion" and then respect yourself enough to have no part in it.

 

It takes courage and self respect to say: "I understand you're not ready, it's okay, I'm very sad but I'll get through it, you take your space and time to find your happiness, but respectfully do not contact me unless it is because you have a clear intention of working on us as a committed and loyal couple".

 

You can also just say this to yourself, and maintain no contact, unless the ex contacts you and clearly states, "I want us to work on US, exclusively, and build a future togehter".

 

Any other friendlly, polite, needy, hoping, or guilt alleviating, or curiosity alleviating, or "addiction fix" type of contact will only keep you in a painful holding pattern, wasting your precious energy and time..and only to lead to more resentment.

 

although it's so difficult to do, it's when we make a choice to respect our own hearts, that others will do the same, and IF the ex is ever really worthy of you, in time they can make a choice to contact you.. until then, we have to cry, cry, cry, heal, maintain no contact, empower ourselves with self respect, and self love, and let go.. move on... and your JOY is right around the corner, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, one baby step at a time back to YOURSELF.

 

and if your paths shall cross again, then at that time, your will have re-gained clarity and perspective, and have your sense of self back, and then and ONLY then can you build a strong foundation of a loving trustful loyal committed future with someone.. and it may even be your ex.. but for right now your obligation is one to yourself.