Devastated, need advice

[Mckenziegirl38]

Hi everyone- I found this site today and thought it was worth a shot to ask for advice. The day before New Year's eve my husband said he wanted to end our 13 year marriage and be single again. I am devastated. Did not see this coming. In fact the Saturday before he was telling me how much he loved me, needed me, can't live w/o me etc... He bought me lingerie and mushy cards (which was usual). We hardly ever fought. As I've said we have been married 13 yrs together 7 yrs before that, so I am looking at the end of a 20yr relationship. We had no children. My heart is completely broken. I can't eat (lost 8lbs so far), can't sleep. I feel all alone. How does one go on? I did not see any cracks, he says he didn't either (huh?). I asked how he could love me so much one day then a week later completely change. He said that "people change". In a week??? He said he wants to be single and not answer to anyone. At first, he was willing to go to counseling. But then late Saturday he told me no that he just wants out. I am finding it very hard to cope. I went back to work today for the first time after the holidays. He wants no lawyers and for it to be speedy. I'm at a loss. Any advice?

Thanks so much

[kermit]

Aren't you suspiscious there's another woman?

[Mckenziegirl38]

No, really I don't believe so. Believe me that was my first thought. But then I thought, where would he find the time? I'm not kidding when I say that we were CONSTANTLY together. There was never any time for it. There are no signs. He would call me (for 20 years) about 10 times a day (no kidding). NOTHING was out of the ordinary. How can one person go on telling one person how much he loves them daily, then decide to leave? That is why I am having such a hard time dealing with this. He even recently (2 wks ago) told one of his best friends how lucky he is to have me. I'm thinking...what? mid-life crisis? brain tumor? I'm at a loss. He won't talk, except to say that he is sorry and that he wants to be alone.

[meantime]

I am sorry this has happened to you. You must be in pain but also in complete shock. I would recommend that you seek out counseling for yourself in an effort to help get through some of this. There will be so much more for you to go through. It seems that he is quite sure he wants out, you can't hold him so you have to let him go. While he is gone do your grieving and go talk to someone and try to focus less on all the 'why's' and try to focus on healing yourself.

 

I once read that when a man leaves, he in many cases, does it without much thought...where as when a woman plans to leave a man (having been in a long term relationship) she will at times, have thought about it for years. To me, this means your husband may just be going through some confusion at this point but sadly on the other hand there could be someone else that is the driving force behind this and that will be another source of pain you may have to deal with.

 

Just don't wait to get the support you need. Sorry you are going through this.

[radioheader]

my husband kinda did this thing too after 13 years together and there was another woman eventhough he denied it!...9 times out of 10 if someone just leaves a marriage and wants to be "single"...there is someone else. i know this may not be what you want to hear but after looking back at everything i went thru i wish i had know the truth the first time he said he wanted to be on his own...(happened twice within a year...moved out and then back in after a week just to move out a few months later again) you deserve the whole truth so you can heal....get with a therapist quick...they are so helpful in talking with you about what to expect in these situations...you will feel such extreme feelings at first and think it will never end! here is a good book i found in case you wnat to read something...love must be tough by james dobson...it talks about this very thing and gives some good advice when a partner wants to walk out. (has some religious undercurrents but you can overlook these if this is not your thing)...but really good advice.

 

hang in there and take care of yourself...i lost 12 lbs in the first month mine moved out as well...but realized that i deserved so much better than to let myself fall apart...i had 2 kids to be strong for as well. you will make it thru this difficult time...we are here for support when you need us!

[Mckenziegirl38]

Oh, also...of course I asked him if there is someone else or if there "might" be someone else he is interested in. He was adament about that. Says honestly there isn't anyone even in his thoughts. Just that he doesn't want anybody but himself right now. He claims to be extremely broken up over this too. But I don't feel as though he is as miserable as I, just because he is the one who wants this.

[radioheader]

i didn't think mine had the time for an affair either but they did most of their contacting during the day (work hours) and e-mails...it was more of an emotional affair that led to a physical one...he was home at night/weekends and would say he loved me as well...some men are just really good at hiding things...and can get really confused! but you may be right...he may be experiencing stress from another source and just taking it out on the relationship for some reason...whatever the reason you deserve to know the truth and get help...my therapist helped me so much!

[scared44]

I went through this with my sister...

 

She was with her boyfriend, living together, for ten years. They were together constantly, even worked in the same office. He did the same thing. Came home one day and said he wanted to live by himself. There was no warning, nothing. He adamently denied there was any other woman, and my sister believed this since they too were always together.

 

It caused a rift between my sister and myself because I kept telling her that she needed to be on guard because all was not as it seemed. She got very upset with me because she totally trusted him.

 

Shortly thereafter, the truth came out and he did indeed have another woman. My sister and I made up (I wasn't mad just because I knew she was hurting and wanted so badly for it to not be true).

 

Just take all he says with a grain of salt...I know you want so badly for all of this to just be a bad dream, but you don't just wake up one day and want out-there is a reason...

 

Take care of yourself-best of luck.

[sddeaston]

Ha Ha Kermit!! Love the sex addicts sig. Thats funny, sorry, not meaning to hijack the thread.

 

In all honesty, kermit said what I was thinking. Sounds like there is motivation coming from a different source. I cant say that it IS happening, but the abrupt change of heart definitely points that way.

 

Or...he could have been slowly developing these feelings, and was not sure of the reality of them, and has only recently decided that his heart was not in it.

 

Either way, I understand your hurt. From an (mostly) objective standpoint, I would say that your best option is going to be to let him go, and let him sort himself out. If he just wants out, there isn't much you can do.

 

If there are no children involved, you will have the opportunity to reflect upon your situation as well while taking only yourself into consideration. That is something you NEED to do. From the moment he took only himself into consideration and did not actively try to work on things to improve the marriage, you were granted the right to not worry about him and to make choices that work for YOU. If he wants to be single, then (I know, I know...it's SOOOOOOO hard) let him, and find someone who is not flaky, and someone who does (and will continue to) appreciate you. He does not.

 

You have to realize that you deserve someone who equally wants to be with you.

[Mckenziegirl38]

Thanks to everyone. I'm not sure what to do next. If it is another woman, you know, I really don't want to know. My heart is crushed just the same. I'm scared. I've never been alone, never had to be, always had him. Even though in my brain I know people have survived this. I just don't see how. I cry all the time and shake. How does one literally begin a life at my age? (38). Every memory has him in it. Every story involves him. All our friends. Oh, the only other thing I thought of is that there is this guy at his work who is on the verge of divorce. He married a women not from this country (just wanted a green card, we supposed). She is never there (leavesfor 3-6 months at a time). He always was asking my husband to go out for drinks after work. Telling him how great it is to not answer to his 'wife'. Don't know...was just a thought. I may just be pulling at anything.

[kermit]

It is entirely possible that he has been seduced into thinking that the bachelor life is what he really wants, although I'm still thinking that there is someone else (that makesmore sense).

 

Denial does not mean he is not having an affair. From here removed[/i]

 

An affair is often suspected by the jilted spouse, but almost always vigorously denied by the offending spouse.

 

With no kids why not separate for a period of time and see how it works out? That will a) give you hope that he will want you back (the bachelor life only looks good from the outside)aad b) allow you to discover that you can get by just fine on your own.

[Mckenziegirl38]

Thanks Kermit. I asked him if he wanted to separate for awhile. At first he said ok, that he didn't want to throw away 20 years, that we could separate and try counseling. Then, changed his mind and said that he likes being alone (after 2 days?), and that counseling has never helped anybody he knows....so much for that.

[Ash]

Any chance he set himself a personal goal a long time ago that he wanted to be at a particular place in his life at a certain point and he's not there? It seems coincidental this would happen righ taround the start of a new year after 20 years of being together.

 

If he really does think he wants more space and there really isn't another person then perhaps you can give him exactly that, the space he things he wants.

 

Are you by any chance the only person he's ever been with sexually? The fact you have no kids after being together a long time is another consideration. Any thoughts on whether that's a factor?

 

He's also reaching the age where he may be starting to feel he is getting old and wants to haev "fun" even if he doesn't know quite what or how. That's why a lot of men that age get the two seater convertible sports car and try to act young. Just because there isn't another women (or man??) doesn't mean it isn't a midlife crisis for him.

 

As for the thought process, contrary to what another poster has said it's hard to imagine he'd do this on a short term, improperly thought out whim. There must be more to it. My fear is that while he thinks he wants to be single it may not truly be quite what he's after.

[Mckenziegirl38]

Thanks Ash. You make a good point, the reason being, is that yes, I got him a corvette for his birthday and last month he wanted his back and arm hairs lazered. Didn't think anything of it, said sure ok. For a time he has been slowly losing his hair on his head, never bothered me though, but it did him. But I have always taken excellent care of myself also. Oh, I also let him get a boat last year. I don't know...things are crazy

[kermit]

yes, I got him a corvette for his birthday Oh, I also let him get a boat last year.

 

If all else fails PM me, this could work ...

 

Okay I'm just kidding. Mostly.

[Ash]

Any chance you can talk to him some more about this? From the viewpoint that perhaps he has something else worrying him that's not somebody else? With the car and the boat it definitely sounds like he's trying to hang onto something.

 

Perhaps it's almost easier if you have kids to grow old because at least you can look at them and enjoy it as they grow. I imagine without that it seems like maybe life is passing by too quickly without family to show for your efforts.

 

FWIW I had the same feelings of not wanting to grow old and I didn't always manage it very well. It can be a tough thing.

 

Another way to handle it may be to set a date two or three months from now to let him think about things and decide if breaking up the marriage is really what he wants. See if he'll avoid making a final decision now. That should give him a little bit of time to evaluate if his reasoning is correct.

[lmtl]

Similar situation happened to me (also no kids). He wanted to be by himself after 15 years. After the first month, he said it was refreshing to be able to just think about himself and not to have to think about me. There definitely was not another woman in the picture, and I would have bet my house & savings that there was....BUT...he leapfrogged to someone new within 6 months.

[kermit]

After the first month, he said it was refreshing to be able to just think about himself and not to have to think about me.

 

 

Sorry, no offense intended, but this is hilarious to someone with three kids. To suggest that a a guy with no kids has no time to himself....

[Scout]

McKenzie, I'm terribly sorry about your situation. I can't imagine what you must be going through, as I've never had such a long relationship myself, and to have it end in such an abrupt way.

 

Based on your posts, it sounds like you've got money. So, I would imagine you can afford to hire a private investigator to get the bottom of things. I think you need to know exactly what is going on, so you're not blindsided again down the road.

 

What especially causes me concern is your husband's request for a speedy divorce. I'm afraid while you're still in the depths of pain and wanting him back you may give in to whatever he says in the hopes you won't alienate him.

 

In other words, what I'm getting at is...I too think there's another woman. And at this point, you need to protect yourself and your assets in the event of a divorce. Get to the bottom of what's going on sooner rather than later. You're vulnerable right now, and that's dangerous for you. I hate to sound like a coldhearted cynic, but I've seen too many of these incidents on eNotalone where the spouse swears there isn't anyone else, talks their partner into all kinds of financial sacrifices, gets their divorce (and one largely in their favor) and the jilted spouse is left to pick up the pieces while simulateously finding out there was indeed someone else.

[kermit]

If there is another woman there will be evidence. Cell phones, emails, co-worker, etc. Have you looked?

 

His explaination doesn't pass the smell test.

[mike_chppr]

I'm on with the PI recomendation, If he has time to go drink with a friend from work he has time for an affair. Likewise he could be using his annual leave during the day instead of cashing it away for family vacations. If he isn't on the clock, he can more than likely hide it during his lunch hour.

 

There will be evidence somewhere and a PI can get to the bottom of it, he can track the vehicle, cell phone calls, bank statements, individual credit reports (for that secret creditcard) check the internet log for secret email accounts and messages.

 

In my situation I'm fairly sure my wife is cheating/cheated on me. We are splitting amicably and fair. We will actually be good friends, and if she comes out in the next few weeks now that I have moved out with a boyfriend or girlfriend, even though she has denied it very vehemently. I'm like... it will hurt, but who cares, I'm starting up my dating life in the next three months or so, I have an opportunity to discover who I am. I won't lie, we both lost a lot of weight in the turmoil of coming to terms. But if he wants to go. You can't grovel for his affection without looking pathetic.

 

He may deny any exterior relationship, but if you drop the line that you are going to a doctor to get checked out for STDs you can gage his reaction. Just say, "I want to believe you are telling the truth, but I feel cheated on and need to make sure that I take care of myself."

 

You are in a good position. Many women have charted these waters sucessfully before you and they are doing it right now. This is a grieving process, think of how you would feel if he had suddenly passed away. These are the same types of intense feelings you will feel now. But you will make it. I cried for weeks over my situation. I cried everywhere, work, bathroom, bus, bus stop, my car every room of the house, but mainly on my dog.

 

I don't think a trial separation is a bad idea. But come up with a way to split the assets now as if he is never coming back. Find a way that will make both of you feel a little taken advantage of. My wife and I have done this and I've had a healthy result.

 

If you are well taken care of physically and you can pull off lingerie with no children there will be some awesome men pining for your attention in no time. Discover yourself, and realize that you can do this. Do the whole Rosa Parks thing and sit on that bus, stand up for yourself, realize this is his decision and you can't blame him and be incredibly bitter, work through the stages of grief and loss, because 20 years of relationship is a huge loss. There will be emptiness and panic and inabilty to breath and just wanting the pain to stop. I would very much recommend seing a therapist right now as well. They can make you think of things that you wouldn't come up with as quickly on your own. You can also bounce ideas off them to see if your motives are healthy defense mechanisms or not (i.e. blaming and many others). Grasp that your future isn't what you thought it would be. You can't hang onto him. If he wants to go... You don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't really want to be with you. There could be a variety of reasons for him skipping out on the responsibility. Divorce/Separation counseling could be an option for the two of you as well. Just to ensure that you get closure with one another. There is a reason, that may not be apparent right now, but ultimately he has not been being true to who he really is or he would be working this out with you in the picture.

 

I'm rambling, but ultimately get the PI and get some sanity... I know you wouldn't want to know, but protect yourself, your assets, and work with a counselor to deal with any news in an appropriate manner.

 

Peace be with you,

 

mike_chppr

[cranbers]

Well judging by the information you posted. I am going to guess that something happened in his life recently. I would assume he is afraid of losing you, death leaving him etc. Now granted you have been with him for years. its also possible he wants to know what else is out there and if he is missing something. You said you have been with him, since how old were you? if you were in your late teens it is very possible he wants someone else to test test waters or something.

[Mckenziegirl38]

Thanks everybody, posting and reading the advice here helps a bit. I have checked with his friends, checked cell phone bills, credit cards....nothing. He can't get a credit card by himself anyway. Throughout our marriage I finished school and went on to better myself, he wouldn't. I was fine with that. He has a decent job, but will not go any further. A while ago he used to say that I would leave him, and I always assured him that would never happen. I just don't understand it. Whether there is or isn't another woman, he won't be able to live the lifestyle that we were used to. I'm still in shock. I've gone over everything in my mind over and over. Nothing seems to pop out. As I've said, I've kept myself in shape. Even recently he told one of his friends that he was lucky to have a 'hot' wife. I guess none of that matters now. But I'm still reeling.

[Mckenziegirl38]

I have been with him since I was 18 yrs old. Never been with another man. Which is also killing me.

[kermit]

Is it possible he is depressed and/or really unhappy with his job/life?

 

This just doesn't make sense so far, things don't add up from what I've read. Anyone disagree with me?