My ex-girlfriend is still pissed off.

[MyNameIsWill]

I broke up with my girlfriend last year, and it wasn't pretty. I didn't break up with her in the 'right way' and after 6 months of guilt tripping myself, I finally got over it and started dating again, knowing I'm really not ready for a relationship

 

a few months ago, i get a message from a stranger who just met me, and talked with my ex. My ex scared the friend with her 'passion' of how much she hates me. She is STILL pissed off about what happened and volunteers the information to whomever will listen. Not to mention, that when I see her in person, it's all pleasantries, it's almost like we never broke up.

 

I'm tired of this. It's bad enough I still feel guilt about this, but I'm tired of the smiling to my face and stabbing me in the back. It takes all my strength not to confront her because I know all she's going to say is that 'i'm a victim' and go right back to talking crap behind my back. I am very hurt and it's going back and forth to anger. I just need some feedback here.

[i-fap-to-uruk-hai-its-a-se]

Well she can't smile if she doesn't have no teeth anymore. And she can't stab you if she done doesn't have no hands.

[MacGyverRI]

She's a psycho! Tell her to her face that you are sick of the BS and make sure you have unbiased witnesses around if she tries to hit you since she sounds the type.

[shikashika]

well maybe she was very very very hurt when you broke up with her.

 

LOTS of people on here and everywhere are still very angry when they were dumped.. especially if, as you say, you didn't do it the right way.

 

do you expect her to just get over it?

 

You can't break up with someone and expect them to behave the way YOU want them to behave.

 

I'm sure the hurt you are feeling now does not even compare to the hurt she felt when you dumped her.

 

I don't think it unusual that she talks to people about how badly she felt when you broke up... We dont' know the full story of whwat actually happened.

 

She could just be being nice to you, because that is what is promoted in all these self-help dating advice manuals... even ENA....

 

"When you are dumped and you see your ex, try to act as nice and friendly as possible, like every thing is going well in your life"

 

From what you say, the way she is acting is quite normal

 

What makes you more angry? The fact that she is mad at you? sending mixed messages?

 

Do you expect her to like you?

[itsallgrand]

I'd need more info to help.

 

Is she still in your life? I get that impression since you mentioned she is smiles to your face.

 

Have you done right to her since the break-up? I mean, properly apologized or whatever it is that needed to be done in order to own up to your mistake directly to her? That might help, for you and possibly her. Then - cut her out. Cut her out completely and thoroughly. No need to be mean, but end it by which ever means necessary.

The rest is up to her. tc

[Ash]

It certainly sounds like your ex can't move on past your ended relationship. Anybody talking to her for any length of time should come to the realization that these are now her issues and her being angry at you is something most people would be over by now. In seeing that, hopefully they will realize they need to judge you on your own merits rather than what somebody unable to let go of past relationship issues thinks.

 

I suspect this stranger was unlikely to have contacted you unless he/she thought there was more to the story than your ex was offering up. It could be this stranger does actually want to hear your take on things.

 

Also, at some point we have to realize that there's sometimes not a whole lot we can do about what an ex feels about us and we in turn have to move past it and not let if bother us too much.

 

I know that one girl I was with for a few years was very bitter when things ended and blamed me for wasting several years of her life. I had thought the good, loving times we had spent together meant something and would be viewed as a fond thing whe looked back upon but not all people see things the same. I realized there was no point trying to have her see things from my point of view after the fact so I let it go and moved on. It has not been an issue at all although on the other hand I was never contact by somebody else to query/inform me of what she was saying.

 

All this being said, it would of course be nice if your ex would leave the relationship details as something between only you and her. You could ask her to do that but she's unlikely to considering how she's been already. Don't reciprocate by saying negative things about her to others, just let them know that what happened in your realtionship are between you and her.

[Bethany]

What she really needs is to forgive you. And it sounds like you need to ease your guilt.

 

Say to her something like " I'm sorry how things ended between us and I wish I'd done things differently, but I didn't and what's done is done but I hope one day you can forgive me for what I did and move on in your life as I have."

 

If she says she doesn't care or that she is over it, then tell her ok I just wanted you to know anyway. Then walk away and leave her be for what you have said to all sink in.

 

Other than that, there's not much you can do except have a go at her and drag it all back up again, which serves no purpose to either of you. Bring up other people and their gossip about you and her as a last resort.

 

Be the bigger man and put things right between you and the problem will go away on it's own.

[lostinreading]

Hey,

 

not meaning to be harsh but if you did the wrong thing when you broke up and never tried to put it right then you have to deal with the consequences. I have to agree with what some of the more understanding people here have said. she has every right to be angry with you if you treated the dissolution of your love in a disrespectful manner and did not show any care for her feelings.

 

Either apologise sincerely for the way you let things go and tell her you wish you had done things differently, or if you are not man enough to face up to your mistakes, deal with how you have made her feel. You may have a right to be angry with her for the way she has and still is reacting but I'm afraid that in itself will not affect her actions. She needs you to face up to the pain you have caused her. If you cannot/will not do this, I'm afraid you will have to bear her wrath with humility lest you end up looking like even more of a prat in her eyes and thus in the eyes of those she talks to.

[Ash]

I'm not sure what the 'right way' comment in the initial posting was referring to exactly, but I don't think it can be discounted that MyNameIsWill has also been hurt by this. Perhaps it wasn't broken off in quite the right way but I do think that is something between him and her, and she shouldn't really be telling everybody else what a terrible person he is. Sure, she may be hurt. And sure, perhaps 'Will should be dealing directly with her if he feels there is something that can in fact be done about it, but based on her dealings with him it seems she's more bent on causing him hurt then trying to resolve things more nicely.

 

lostinreading, I'm not quite sure why you're judging 'Will so harshly based on what he's said in this thread although your feedback may be helpful to him regardless.

 

From what I have experienced there sometimes is not a right way to break up at all and one partner is very hurt. Doesn't necessarily mean that the other person was wrong in what they did. Of course, at this point only 'Will knows the details of the breakup.

[finewhine]

MyNameIsWill: I could be your ex girlfriend. Don't worry, I'm not, but I was in her shoes. While I didn't tell strangers about my hatred for my ex, I did tell all my close friends about it and maybe a few not-so-close ones, too. I stopped blathering about it a couple months afterwards, but I turned everyone close to me against my ex and I still feel justified in doing so.

 

If you dated her a short while or she's misinterpreting something and she's acting like this, she's psycho. If you spent a considerable amount of time together and you didn't break up with her properly, then read on.

 

She has every right to be angry with you still. I'm not saying that it's in her best interests to be angry, but she's probably still wounded from the way you treated her.

 

Think about the nature of a breakup for a moment: you're kissing somebody off forever. In most instances, you get one chance to be with someone romantically. The way you break up is the final opportunity you have for them to see you as a romantic partner. You blow that, you blow their estimation of you.

 

Oftentimes, you have quite a bit of our self-image wrapped up in the person you're in a relationship with. She probably invested a lot of her time in this relationship. She probably invested a lot of her feelings. She may have sacrificed her pride or any number of other things to try to make the relationship work.

 

And how do you acknowledge her time? Her feelings? Her pride? Her WORTH? If you didn't give them their due, you disregarded her very person. It's a slap in the face, a punch in the gut. It's like telling her she's worth nothing. She's retaliating in the only way she knows how.

 

As a human being, you have a right to feel however you want to feel. If you fall out of love or whatever, big whoop. This happens all the time. That said, as part of a couple, even as part of a soon-to-disintegrate couple, you have an ethical responsibility to your partner. If the relationship you had or the person you were with was worth anything, you dispose of it in a respectful, thoughtful manner.

 

Think about the inverse: you are under no obligation to your ex after your breakup. All bets are off when a relationship ends badly. You disregarded her - she has every right to stab you in the back. You're not her friend. You did her wrong at her most vulnerable.

 

If you're truly sorry for what you've done, you'll recognize the extent to which you've hurt her. Take that guilt and run with it. Do whatever you feel is necessary to apologize, then leave her be. The rest is up to her, but she clearly needs time away from you to forgive you. If she can't accept a real apology, that's her problem.

 

Let me just say one more thing: I would be incredibly relieved if my ex ever truly apologized for the way he treated me during our breakup. I still wouldn't like him, but I wouldn't think he was a soulless jerk, either. Maybe she would stop badmouthing you if she knew you were actually sorry.

[onelittleladybug]

I completely agree with Finewhine. The way you end a relationship is crucial. If you don't do it thoughtfully and respectfully you damage any chance of friendship and/or getting back together if that would ever come up. You sound resentful because she is angry but you are holding her accountable just as unfairly as she is.

 

I didn't like the way my relationship ended and although my ex knows I am working really hard on forgiving him, he doesn't seem to realize (at least not yet) that what I need from him is an apology. If I knew he was sorry and felt he was wrong in how he left me (he pretty much refused to talk to me or gave very vague answers after the breakup and we lived together and were engaged) I would feel better. I definitely would.

 

When one person tries very hard to fix whats wrong in a relationship and the other just walks away, the one who is left feels humiliated and ignored. You would definitely be a bigger person if you could swallow your pride and just go to her, say you're sorry and whatever she says - just say yes, I understand how you feel and I'm sorry I made you feel that way.

 

She is probably still caught up in confusion between wanting to think highly of you as she did when you were together, and being disappointed with you. Its a really tough situation to be in.

 

I totally disagree with Ash. Even if there may not be any good ways of breaking up its totally easy to see that some ways are far worse than others.

[MyNameIsWill]

as i'm reading your posts, some of it's helpful, and some of it isn't. I expected that, quite honestly.

 

we did date for about a year, it was an interracial relationship and what not. We did talk about marriage and everything else, and I thought she was the person I wanted to be with.

 

However, late in the relationship, I started hearing more about my relationship from my friends than from her. She needed me to validate her every waking minute that I wasn't going to leave her. I'll also admit to that I'm a natural born flirt, but I never touched or went out with any girl at all. Not to mention that I never said anything about how she pissed me off, cause I felt that wasn't what I was supposed to do. I never said 'what your doing is annoying me.'

 

So there was one day that I had it. I broke up with her, or at least I thought I did. Sparing the story of the back and forth that happened, and a suicide attempt by her because of all of this, the only time there was some silence is when I cut off all of my friends and pretty much hid in shame. I didn't care who did what, but it was recommended accross the board that I give her space, even though I felt that I had to defend myself in some way.

 

When I heard about this, the only thing I want to do is confront her, let her know how i feel and tell her to stop. but it's only going to fuel this. I understand she has a right to be upset, but if she's going to hurt the people I care about in the process, I feel that I have suffered enough. But if I confront her, I have to accept the premise that I was wrong, no matter how we both co-contributed to this mess.

 

The other thing which feeds into 'she just wants to hurt me' is the other fear of me breaking up with her, because revenge is one of her core values. she constantly told me in the relationship that "I don't get mad, I get even" and the friends that I cutoff confirmed that she plotted to 'get back at me'. So from the surface, everyone is championing her because she's the 'victim', but it's a petty excuse for her to get back at me. Why do I have to just absorb this or 'be the bigger person'? I've already apologized. But the reception is just vapor if after I apologize I'm still this 'souless jerk'. What rights do I have? Am I supposed to be a whipping post for her hurt feelings just because she feels justified?

[lostinreading]

dude, you totally didn't make any of that clear enough in that post and that's why I responded in the way I did.

 

If she is being this manipulative then you are right, you do have the right for you and your friends not to be terrorised.

 

I myself have been rather harsh and have thrown things etc at cheating exes but I would never do that to my current ex cause he didn't do anything to hurt me except break up with me and in all actuality that was fair enough.

 

If I were you I would send her a quick note to say "I am sorry I hurt you but it was for the best. I should have broken things off in a fairer way and for that I am truly sorry. You deserve someone to love you as much as you love them." and then get on with trying to be the bigger person.

 

To be fair, when people say "I met your ex and she said this this and this about you" just acknowledge that it was a difficult break up and hope that they give you a chance to get to know you.

 

I'm sorry I can't offer any more solid advice. There's not much you can do if she's got a vendetta against you apart from being the bigger person and getting on with your life. Take solace in the fact that she'll eventually find someone else, who will then maybe break up with her and then she'll have someone else to hate.

 

Lets all hope she finds her sanity and dignity some time soon (although you ARE NOT the one to tell her this!)