Reply to break up

[lostinreading]

Hi everyone,

 

Boyfriend of 2 and a 1/2 years broke up with me a week and a half ago ON THE PHONE!!! I was really upset and have talked to him a couple of times but was so shocked and upset I really never got a chance to get out my feelings about things. I feel calmer and more collected now and need to say some things to him. Can't start proper no contact yet as we need to sort out bills etc before moving out of our flat but I have said I don't want to see him (he wants to meet for coffee and I recognise this would do me no good at all. I don't think this sounds needy, I'm not asking for him back or anything. Should I send it?

 

Hi *****,

 

I wanted to send you this mail just to tell you how I feel once and for all, I've been too emotional to be articulate before but I feel ready now and I think you need to hear it.

 

I feel like you have shown very little respect for me in the way you have broken up with me. I know it was hard and you don't like confrontation but you could have at least done it face to face. It seems like such a cold way to do things after two and a half mostly happy years. I would really like to think I have had a positive effect on your life and that our relationship has been a good thing but to do it in the way you did made me feel like it meant nothing. I'm afraid now it is too late however, you can't go back and do it differently and seeing you now would jeapordize the great progress I am making in getting myself together and moving on with my life.

 

I think its a real shame we can't find a way forward together. I know you "don't feel it" the same way as you used to and that you didn't feel the same excitement for the future that you feel you should. I think that's totally understandable considering the limbo we were stuck in for so long (and to a certain extent I felt the same way) and there wasn't really a way forward together that we'd both be happy with. However I want you to know that I thought what we had once was really really good. ****** even said that seeing the way we were together made her hope for more out of relationships than she had before. Every relationship cools a little after the first flush of love is over and I think you'll find that in any relationship you have in the future. Its never butterflies and hot sex forever, its about finding a partner who understands you and whom you understand, a friend and lover who will be there for you always. I realise that you didn't feel like you could be that for me and hence I know that I need more than you could offer right now.

 

I am surprised that you did some of the totally thoughtless things you did, the anniversary incident, the lack of effort to spend time with my friends, telling me I was unattractive because I was insecure (because of the way you behaved towards me!) breaking up with me on the phone after 2 and a 1/2 years and what I thought was a deep and important love to both of us. I am surprised because I thought more of you and I thought you'd have more self respect than to show yourself up like that. I hope you get your selfish nature in check before you attempt to be with someone else because behaving that way to anyone is not fair or nice. I expected more of you and I have been grieving the loss of the sweet caring loving ***** you once were, not what you morphed into more recently. I realise now I lost him a long time ago and I miss him very much.

 

You state all of these things as reasons I shouldn't want to be with you (and you are right) but you never said sorry. And you should. Because you've been a .

Anyhow, I'm not actually bitter suprisingly. I love you and I really do hope the best for you in the future. I hope you're able to get to grips with yourself and that you get everything you wish for from your career. I hope you don't start taking coke and acting like a stuck up wanker, that would be terrible, you're better than that and you know it. I hope that London treats you kindly and you do not find it too lonely and end up falling into yet another emotional crutch dressed up as a relationship.

 

Make a happy life for yourself *****,

 

you will be in my heart.

 

Me

[DN]

Hi, Welcome to eNotAlone

No - don't send it. You say you are not bitter but that is how it comes accross and letters like this rarely have any sort of positive outcome.

[Clementine orange]

Nice letter, the problem is that it might be lost on him. Breaking up over the phone is pretty low. Sorry to hear. Chin up, be strong and all that. I bet it felt good to at least get something down in writing even if you never do send it.

Years later, he'll regret...

[Beec]

You should tell him simply: Good Bye. And no more.

[cichlid]

Welcome to ENA! I agree that the letter shouldn't be sent. That's the type of letter I always write on a piece of paper and then destroy the letter. For some reason just writing it makes me feel better (even if the letter is never sent).

 

Yes, breaking up with you with a phone call was bad. But you should just let him do what he wants and move on. No need to be seen as the crazy ex (by him) now.

[lostinreading]

No but I really want to send it!! He's said all kinds of harsh things to me and its about time he heard some home truths. I've been so bloody wet and needy and now I have my strength back I want to tell him what a prat he has been. I've sent much worse ("I wouldn't p*** on you if you were on fire") to other exes and it has always been the catalyst I've needed to get on with things.

 

And I don't really care about the crazy ex thing, I think everyone's far too hung up on that. To care whether he thinks I'm crazy is to care what he thinks and I just don't. He knows all of this, has almost admitted it but I need to say it to him. He was the crazy boyfriend (like proper psychiatric crazy) and I don't think there's anything crazy in telling someone what they've done wrong.

 

What positive outcome would I be expecting? He's left me, in a childish stupid way which means I no longer have any respect for him, so not much chance of a positive outcome really.

[cichlid]

No but I really want to send it!! He's said all kinds of harsh things to me and its about time he heard some home truths. I've been so bloody wet and needy and now I have my strength back I want to tell him what a prat he has been. I've sent much worse ("I wouldn't p*** on you if you were on fire") to other exes and it has always been the catalyst I've needed to get on with things.

I thought you said you weren't bitter and that you were calmer and all that jazz? Sounds to me like you are and that you want to attack him for being a jerk. If you really honestly have this need to send it...wait at least a week. It's better to not send it really.

[lostinreading]

I totally get what you're saying and that's why I put it up here before I sent it. I am bitter if I'm honest about how he did this, and I'm kinda sick of him trying to play the nice guy now and saying "I deserve a face to face explanation of why this happened". We have been friends for 5 and a half years, gone out for 2 and a half and we've always been honest with each other. I get the pretending you're doing fine and moving on with things, the not showing your distress, but I don't really understand why we can't tell someone when they've acted like a total prat. Especially since I had so much respect for him and I want him to change himself for the better. I still really care for him and don't want him to go around behaving like this to anyone else because it makes him come accross as much more of an idiot than he actually is.

[DN]

I want him to change himself for the better. I still really care for him and don't want him to go around behaving like this to anyone else because it makes him come accross as much more of an idiot than he actually is.

Sorry but that isn't really why you want to send it - -that's just a rationalisation. You really want to retaliate and hurt him as he has hurt you. I advise not sending it but if you do it would be wise to understand why you are doing it.

[Guitar]

hi - this story is similar to mine! ONly I did send those letters explaining how I felt and what I wanted etc...if ya need someone to talk to pm me. I know what your goin through. I started a thread here yesterday. Its been 18 months since my breakup and even though Im over her, alot of things still annoy me! You will move on, its an old cliche but time is a healer

[Shaker]

I've been going through a very similar situation, as you know!, and I've thought about doing what you're planning on doing.

 

I wouldn't send the letter, and here's another reason why (and a jaded one): so, you're pointing out his flaws, where he went wrong, etc. This is going to help him better himself for the next girl he's with. You don't owe it to either of them. Let him suffer for the same mistakes down the road.

 

Look out for yourself. You're right, he's a prat. Don't stoop.