2007 Off To A Bad Start.....NEED TO VENT

[candykisses]

Am I so wrong and CRAZY for wanting to go out on NYE?

 

I don't understand. Yesterday I told my mom I was sleeping over at a friend's house (I was really going to a rave) because it was NYE and she freaked out. I had never gone out on nye...out of respect I ALWAYS stayed home in all the previous years.

 

Yesterday I tried to leave the house regardless of what she said because I'm tired of being deprived and overprotected in all my years of life. Then she stood in front of the door for 5 hours screaming at me like NO TOMORROW and she took my bag so I had no way to go out. She wouldn't even let me stay out at least til countdown. Then my brother started yelling too, saying how I just wanted to hurt everybody and that I don't love them. It got so RIDICULOUS and INSANE I just went into my room crying.

 

I don't understand. I'm 19 years old. Shouldn't I be allowed to make my own decisions? It's not like we really celebrate NYE as a family anyways, so I could not see what the huge deal was. I'm not even one of those people who stay out late every night or go out everyday..my curfew is 11, and I RARELY even stay out til 11.

 

I can't seem to make the connection between going out and breaking ties with the family (which they accused me of). Can you?

 

Thanks for reading thus far. Things are awkward as hell at home right now. I just need someone to put all this in some kind of perspective for me. Because I seriously feel misunderstood, confined, deprived, and overprotected to the ****ing MAX.

[shy2cool]

I fully understand the overprotective parent thing. I guess they are not used to you being out so late and on NYE. It takes time to adjust. You have to start going out more often, and then eventually try to get your curfew relaxed.

[shikashika]

its too bad it turned into a screaming match. I do think it was uneccesary considering it was New years... was it more of a issue that you were going out... or that you were screaming at her?

[candykisses]

I think it was a combination of the fact that i lied about where I was going (my brother was all yea..she's not really going to a sleepover) and the fact that I tried to leave the house anyways...and of course I was yelling back at them too.

 

Can someone help me see where they're coming from? Because I really can't. Why deprive your child so much?

[insofar]

Honestly it sounds like there was a bit of immaturity on both sides; you lying about where you were going, and your mother stealing your bag so you couldn't leave.

 

I can't give a perspective for your parents but I can certainly identify with your situation. I'd say next time don't lie about where you're going; if they let you go and find out later you lied, it's doubtful they'd ever let you go out again and you'd have lost their trust. That said, they probably wouldn't have let you go if you'd said you were going to a rave, I know this. But as much as you want to yell at them (and trust me, I know how angry parents can make us), the best way to go about it would be to talk to them rationally. It still might fail but it's your best chance, and they'd probably see you as being more mature for not letting it degenerate into a yelling match.

[avman]

Well your parents don't see it as depriving you. They see it as protecting you and caring about you. You really didn't help the situation by lying about it and then tried to ignore them and do as you please anyway. That doesn't establish any trust.

 

While I agree that at 19 you shouuld have slack in your life and be able to make the majority of your own decisions, when you live at home you do have to realize that you will be sacrificing some of your freedom for the sake of lower rent, board, food, etc. The only REAL way to be out there making all your own decisions is to move out. And I know that's not always practical.

 

You'll have to come to some sort of a compromise if you can't move out. Sit your parents down and talk to them about what they feel is reasonable, and what you'd like to be able to do. And then stick to it so that they can trust you.

[candykisses]

I've talked to them rationally many many times...it never worked. I always tell her I'm 19 years old and I need her to let me grow up and make my own decisions and learn from my own mistakes. I told her I'm not asking to party it up every weekend but all I ask is that she lets me stay out on occasions like NYE, halloween, my birthday, friends' birthdays, etc...But she wouldn't even COMPROMISE. She still wouldn't relax my curfew and she's always saying that I brought this onto myself...then she would start listing all the reasons why I'm an untrustworthy and irresponsible person..that I got suspended one time in high school, I smoke, used to go to the casino a lot, don't study enough, too materialistic, has "slept over" enough times and the list goes on...then I would feel WORTHLESS for talking to her. I pretty much give up..and accept the fact that she'll NEVER loosen up on me. But this NYE I realize I made everything WORSE...because now she said I can never ever "sleepover" AGAIN. I realize this means no parties, no clubbing, no raves, EVER.

 

Can I get a mother's perspective on this one? I can understand grounding for "bad" behaviour like smoking if your daughter is 16...but when someone is 19 going on 20.. do you think it's really healthy for my mother to treat me like a SMALL CHILD, never mind that I have lost her trust?

[justpaisley]

You've answered your own question. The reason she's treating you like a small child is because you've acted like one, causing you to lose her trust. Moms aren't stupid, they know when we're lying. She probably knew you were going to a rave (and if she didn't, your brother ratted you out). Raves aren't generally known for their family-friendly and safe atmospheres, so of course she prevented you from going. I'd do the same thing.

 

You have 2 options.

 

1. Move out. That way, you can do whatever you want. Trust me, from experience, this is the harder option.

 

2. Grow up a little. I'm *NOT* saying that in a demeaning or condescending way. Your age has nothing to do with your maturity, so you being 19 or 20 doesn't matter as long as you're still acting irresponsibly and lying to your parents about it. My sister's 23 and still acts like a 15-year-old, so she's treated accordingly. You need to start acting responsibly. And don't lie to your parents - that's like the ultimate in immaturity. If you were acting in the way a proper adult would, you wouldn't need to lie to them. Tell your parents straight out, I'm going to a party, this is what's going on there, this is who's going to be there, this is how long I'm going to be out, is it okay if I go? If they say no, accept it, because you live in THEIR house. If they say yes, thank them, go, act responsibly, and be home when you said you would. The more you're up front with them, the more they'll trust you. On the other hand, the more you sneak around, the less trust they'll have for you.

 

Quite honestly, you live in their house, you live by their rules. That's a philosophy I firmly stand by, as I was raised that way myself. Because of this, I moved out at 18 to go to college and by the time I turned 19 I was completely financially independent. Broke as hell, but my parents no longer had control over me at all. My children, if they choose to stay at home past graduating from high school, will absolutely live by the rules I lay down, no matter how unfair they seem. The real world isn't fair - I'll just be preparing them.