Ex and I are "testing the waters"...

[JIzzyM]

Hey everyone. My ex and I have decided to "test the waters". Basically, we are hanging out more, communicating more, working on our problems and seeing what happens. We have decided that we need to be friends first and work on not trying to kill each other (figure of speech...basically we want to learn to not fight over stupid things and not let little things bother us anymore). We used to get upset with each other over the dumbest things and I think it was because we were around each other too much and let other things fuel the fire to our annoyances/anger. Don't get me wrong, we didn't fight all of the time, just the normal little things in a relationship, but we want to work on it now. We both have our own problems to work out on our own, but also want to work on our problems together. Basically, we are going to hang out more, have fun, see what happens and how we feel in a little while, and try to regain the way we were and why we feel in love in the first place.

 

He is hanging out more, calling more, and spending the night sometimes. I don't think we will be hanging out as much as we are now once school and work start up again and once he moves into his new house, bc we don't think living together is working for us right now. (esp with 4 cats, a dog and 2 other roommates...lots of stress and drama that isn't ours to begin with..it doesn't help us). Sometimes I feel like he wants to be with me more and more and other times I feel like maybe I am setting myself up for more pain. I know it is a risk doing this but I also feel like we still have a good chance together. He initiated this whole thing and I just said "okay" and don't push the subject ever.

 

I just want some advice on how to deal with this and how I should be acting. I am pretty sure that I should be just acting fun and happy and not bringing up the "relationship" talk at all. He said he is trying to communicate more and actually has been. He still tells me that he loves me and everything, so the feelings are there. I just know he needs his time and space to figure out his life and his problems right now. He has a lot on his plate and I know that I need to be supportive but not overbearing. I also do my own thing a lot and don't worry about him all of the time. I am focusing on me and my life, but still am making time for him and being there when he needs to talk. I don't initiate any of our hanging out or anything, he always does. I don't normally call him, unless it is something important like about our animals that we share together. He does all of this stuff and that is a nice change for me. We need to have our separate lives and also spend some time together and have fun, without stress.

 

We have spent the last 4 or 5 nights together and just hanging out having fun. Tonight was New Years and we enjoyed ourselves with a few friends and a nice kiss at midnight. I know I shouldn't take some things personally and he tells me this all of the time. I am just very sensitive sometimes and look into everything he is saying bc I am insecure about what he wants and don't want to just put all of my eggs into a basket. He doesn't say mean things by any means, just some comments about other people/couples and his life. He always tells me that it has nothing to do with me or us and that he is just frustrated with his life right now. (his band, school, mother being sick, getting a real job, possibly getting his masters ect...basically a quarter life crisis and depression). He makes sure I'm always okay and not upset and asks if I need anything. He is still very cute to me sometimes, I just wish it was more often and don't want to do anything affectionate with him out of fear of scaring him away. I know I shouldn't expect it all of the time just bc we are only testing the waters and seeing how it pans out, but its hard to go from all of the time to never to only some of the time. I would just like some advice on how to handle me wanting everything at once, but knowing that the best thing to do is be paitent. How do I stay paitent and not freak out sometimes like a crazy woman?! haha.

 

I just want this to work and want to do the right things and not push him away by being clingy or crazy. If anyone has any advice please let me know and help me out! I will keep this updated with how we are doing and everything and also asking more questions and for advice. Thanks everyone! Hope you all had a good holiday and happy New Year!!

[honeyspur]

Congradulations on these tentative steps back together. I, too, reunited with my boyfriend after time apart. I also wanted things to change and it was his desire to reunite.

The first thing I realized when back together is I had to stop being concerned about him and found it was nearly impossible! I really didn't want to focus on myself is what I discovered. And keeping my neediness and clingyness in check was a daily chore. I almost ALWAYS wanted him around, wanted him to keep me entertained.

 

Now you may be different, but I'm just letting you know it can be done. The novelty will wear off and it may be up to you to keep things moving. It may not.

Anytime we start to fight or get to that point, I leave and go to another part of the house. Sometimes I calm down enough to speak with respect, sometimes he comes to me, ready to problem-solve. So far it's going well.

 

Good luck and you are handling this well - it's good to stay cautious.

[JIzzyM]

Honeyspur...thanks so much for your reply! I am exactly like you are with the clingyness and focusing on him part. I sometimes just want to blurt out everything that is on my mind and know that isn't the right thing to do at all, so I hold the words in as best I can and then in time will approach him with it in a neutral manner.

 

Sometimes I just feel so impaitent(paitence has never been one of my strong suits) and want everything back at once, even though I know it's best to move slow and that we don't want it to go back to the way it was before. When we talk about things, he always says that we will work on it and we actually do try and make conscious efforts to do so. I know I do and I see it in his behavior as well. I know I am too sensitive sometimes and insecure about the whole thing bc I don't want to mess up this second chance that we have.

 

How did you control your clingyness and thought about him? How did you remove the focus off of him and onto yourself? Did you notice that once you did these things, did his behavior change? Sometimes I think that if I back off a little and stop being a crazy woman that he would notice and maybe more forward a little more or something along those lines. I would also like to point out that I'm not always clingy or crazy, it's more like I have 10 minute spells every few days of being needy and stuff. Haha definitly not all of the time! We mostly just have fun when we hang out but sometimes I feel like I have verbal diarrhea and the words won't stop. (haha great visual huh?)

 

Also, should I just let him come to me with plans, calls, texts, ect? Should I just take a backseat to this whole thing and slowly feel my way around the situation? I just don't want to push him away! Thanks again honeyspur! Everyone keep the advice coming bc I know I will need it!

[rsxguy520]

just take everything slow and easy..and always be cautious of everything you do as well, don't want to repeat mistakes from the past.!

[JIzzyM]

Tonight, my ex came over for a little while and we had a good time together. He left early to go to bed because he has work early and all day tomorrow. We decided to go out to eat for dinner tomorrow when he is done with work. I try to not get my hopes up about stuff like this because sometimes he doesn't follow through with plans or forgets. He knows that he has a problem with saying things and then never doing then and said he is really trying to work on doing better with this problem. He said he is going to try and follow through with everything he says from now on, especially with things that have to do with me. So, I hope it actually works out tomorrow and that we can go to dinner. He has been doing a lot better with this and I can see him really trying.

 

I just know that I have some trouble trusting him now. He knows this and knows that we need to work on rebuilding that trust before we move forward. I know this will take some time and work. We haven't put a time frame on how long we are going to "test the waters" or anything and are just going to see what happens. I won't let it go on forever or anything, but I know it could take a few weeks or months and am willing to wait and work with him on this if we both are still in agreeandce that it is the right thing to do. I just want to feel more secure with this and with him and not so worried about it all of the time. I do try and focus on me a lot more though. I just feel like I am always going to be second guessing him and wondering if he is going to break my heart again or not. I don't want it to be like this though. Maybe it is a process to work through and something that needs to happen before (if) we ever get back together.

 

For the people who have gotten back together with an ex or tried starting over slowly again with an ex, how did you begin to trust them again and not worry that they might dump you again? How did you learn to be secure and not afraid that you might say the wrong thing and push them away? How did you do it all?!?! Haha I love this guy more than anything and just want us to be in each other lives and work through this hard stuff. I just hope we can do it!!

[honeyspur]

I broke up with my current guy several times. However, he has always come around and done the changing, so we can get back together.

For me, it was choosing to have a busier life even though I would rather be with him, having him pay attention to me in some way.

 

My guy and I live together and I am constantly having to force myself to go for a walk, find some hobby to do...something mindless to distract myself.

It's still hard even though I've been consciously practicing since October when we reunited.

But there are still times when I have to talk to him because he's going back to his old ways. It's scary because I know at any moment, talking about that stuff could result in breaking up. But he's said to me that he doesn't want to break up, so I have to believe him.

Basically I just have to have faith. It IS risky - but time is the only thing that creates trust.

I hope things pick up and I think it's great you are so committed and willing. You sound like you understand it can't go on forever - giving yourself a time limit like "Spring" or "summer" might be something to consider.

 

I hope you guys make it too!

[JIzzyM]

Thanks honeyspur and rsxguy! I appreciate your comments and advice. They are great help!

 

I know I need to be paitent and give him his space. I do believe that I did pretty well last night and today. He came over before work and we hung out for a bit watching tv. I kept falling asleep on the couch and was all spred out and he was sitting at the end with his hand on my leg most of the time. I apparently would wake up randomly and do/say stupid things, such as ask for a high five?? Yeah, I have no idea either. He thought it was hilarious though and had a good time making fun of me. We just joked around and laughed pretty much the whole time minus my little catnaps. He is going to call me later or just come over and then we are going to get or make some food and hang out a little more. I notice that if I'm not all up his butt and trying to get his attention then he starts to notice and will ask if something is wrong or will just give me some attention instead. It's kind of nice and I think I am going to continue to be more aloof and see where that goes. He still gives me attention when I'm giving him attention, just not as much or maybe it's just nice to have him come to me more now. goodtimes.

 

Sometimes I just don't understand I guess. If you love someone and they love you, then why not just be together?! Haha I know this is my impaitence rearing its ugly head, but I just dont get it sometimes. I understand that he is confused and doesn't know what he wants (in life and with me), but seriously! Love is a wonderful thing and he knows that we have something special, but I guess he just needs to see that we both are changing and working on ourselves before any decisions are made. He is just lost in the world right now and I just want to help, so I have to try and understand. Who knows what needs to happen!

 

He has told me on multiple occasions that its not me and that it is him and his problems that caused us to break up. I can see him working on his problems a little at a time and I know he will be able to more when he has enough money for health insurance to go to a psychologist. He wants to go and I support him 100% because he is depressed. I went after our break-up and it helped me and he sees that too.

 

Even though he says its his problems I know that I also had fualts in the relationship and obviously had things that contributed to the break-up. I was waaaayyy too clingy and just wanted to be together all of the time. I would get a little miffed if he didn't want to come out with us or do anything some night. I like to go out and do things and he likes to stay in and watch tv. We did both and had fun doing both but I know we have somewhat different tastes when it comes to plans for the night. Yes, sometimes I like to sit in and sometimes he likes to go out, so it's not always 100% opposite. I am learning that I can go out without him and have fun and that we don't always need to be doing the same things or seeing each other everyday. I am trying to show him this (that we can have separate lives) and I hope he is taking notice. I do have setbacks every now and then and I hate it when I realize that I could be pushing him away more and more, so I apologize and we talk it out and he says its something we need to work on and that we will work on it and then all is fine.

 

I also have a bit of a temper so I would get irritated about stupid things and snap at him. Not cool. I'm also working on that and keeping my tongue in check. He seems to have noticed this a lot. I like a clean house and my roommates don't clean EVER and I would complain a lot about that to him. (When he lived with us, he would help with the cleaning just not as much as I had hoped haha but he did his share) I think I just complained a lot about things that I could easily fix and he would tell me how and then I wouldn't do it and just continue to complain. How annoying is that?! I look back on things now and realize how annoying and uptight I was being. I mean come on the house doesn't have to be spotless especially with pets and college students living there. I believe that I became more of a downer the last couple of months and that I need to de-stress and relax a little and let things go more. I am defintily trying to work on all of these things and not only for him, but more so for myself and my life. Because even if we don't get back together I will come out of this a better person. Right? I just took a step back and realized that I had changed during the relationship too and I didn't like what I turned in to. An uptight, stressed out, snappy little b*tch. Haha I have to lighten up and be more of myself, but for as long has I have known me, I have never been that person. Good things will come from this tradegy and pain right? RIGHT!

 

I will keep this updated a lot I'm sure. I come to these boards a couple of times a day and like to vent my feelings on here and try to get some feedback from people who know how this all feels! Thank you to everyone and I apologize for always having such long posts! Apparently I'm longwinded

[JIzzyM]

My ex and I did have dinner the other night. Well, he overslept during his nap so we just went for fast food and brought it home to eat. Not the most romantic haha but that's not what I was going for really. He kept apologizing for over sleeping and for not being able to go out to dinner. I was telling him that it's okay and not to feel bad (even though I was a little miffed I didnt show it). He said he did feel bad and that he just really wanted to take me out to dinner. I didn't in any way shape or form make it out to be a date or say that I wanted it to be a date or him pay for me, but he made it sound like thats what the plan was and how he intended it to be. Sooo

 

He spent the night last night (nothing happened promise!) and we went to lunch today. Then we also went to dinner but a friend of ours came too. He has been very nice to me lately and more cuddly and very interested in talking to me and listening to what I have to say. He also talked about marriage (not he and I, our two friends are getting married and he didn't say anything about not wanting to get married anymore, he just kept saying when he did...so that was a little different. nothing positive towards me just towards his life, which I think is really good since he has been depressed.) He has also been talking about going to Grad school ( at the same college he is at now) and how he has to grow up and sort his life out. He said he would call me tomorrow when he wakes up.

 

I'm hoping that all of these are good signs and that I'm not just looking into all of these things as false hopes. I have backed off a little and am letting him come to me more. I let him call me and sometimes leave early and try to be a little less available. Not that I'm trying to play games or anything but I'm just trying to live my own life and not always be living on his terms, make sense? I hope it does. Let me know what you all think about this stuff.

 

I wish he would spend the night more but I'm not going to bring it up or anything. My birthday is in 11 days, so I am curious to as what that will bring. I don't think he will get me a gift or anything, bc he never has been big on gift giving and never really had it in his life like I have. My family is all about gifts on bdays and holidays and his aren't really and don't make a big deal about those times or gifts. I also don't expect him to get me anything because its not like he is my boyfriend and he also is very low on money right now. I don't even know why I brought any of that up. Maybe subconsciously I am hoping he does something nice for me that night. Haha

 

Alright everyone let me know what you all think about his actions and all of this time we are spending together. Also, keep sending the advice/encouragment on how to stay positive and not get crazy or clingy or impaitent! Thanks!](*,)

[honeyspur]

All I can say is - fantastic work! I hear in your post how delicate of a situation this is. You seem to be handling it quite well.

 

More advice on being clingy comes in the form of a story.

 

My bf of several years sounds very much like yours. He suffers from depression, has problems working, never remembers gifts and came from a abusive childhood.

When we got back together back in October, I had to express to him things I had been hiding. That I actually really did care when he wouldn't buy me a present. That it really did matter to me that he had a decent paying job so he could take care of ME as well as his bills.

 

I had kept these to myself and probably 50% of our arguments was me "acting out" because I was trying to act like I didn't care about this stuff in fear of him leaving me. I had to get gutsy enough to tell him these things were important and just brace myself if he decided to leave me.

I had to be true to myself.

 

To my surprise, he started to do it. Little things like flowers and stuffed animals. My christmas gift was awesome and a limited edition to boot!

 

I always thought that if I admitted these things were important to me, it meant I was selfish and petty. But it's not. I'm not begging for diamonds or fur coats - I just want the same thing I do for him.

 

Be sure to express yourself FULLY. I sense you are not materialistic, but like me, like gifts and sentiments. You want him to express more.

Make sure you have this conversation. Since you do not live together it may be an easier conversation to have now.

As always, if you make it clear what you don't care about (riches, all of his time) you can say what you do want, and you won't seem like your obsessed over it. But be firm. Say this is who you are and your not ashamed of it.

 

Good work - you are doing well - and keep us up to date.

[JIzzyM]

Honeyspur thanks for your reply and story/advice!

 

We had a little bit of a set back tonight. He came over after band practice as I was napping. He woke me up and we were just casually talking for a little while. I asked if he was still going bowling with us tonight since he had already said he would earlier in the day. He said he wasn't going to bc he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. This annoyed me a little bc he had already said he was going to go and he has always had a problem with saying he was going to do things and then never pulling thru with them. He kept asking why I was upset and we had a little fight. Nothing huge, but I did cry bc I was upset about him and I also have a terrible cold and didn't feel well. It just all seemed to pile up and came out my eyes. I hate being that way and hate when I act like this towards him. I know it doesn't help out situation at all and I just don't like being crazy! Haha.

 

We talked it thru and he said he didn't like that I always get upset when he doesn't hang out. I told him that I just want to hang out as much as we can now because we won't be able to nearly as much starting next week. He said Come on now, we might not be able to see each other and hang out late at night like we do now, but you know we will see each other everyday. We do now and even with more stuff going on, I'm sure we will still see each other everyday. We talked some more and I asked if we were still "testing the waters" and he said yeah and we still have things to work on and that when I told him that I wouldn't get so upset about him not coming out and not letting it bother me, he believed me. I told him that it's a work in progress and that he needs to understand that. I also told him that I feel like he wants everything to revolve around him and his needs and that there are other people in his life who have feelings and that he needs to be considerate of them. So we came to the conclusion that I need to work on not being so bothered or upset if we don't always see each other or if he doesn't come out and that he needs to work on being more considerate, nicer (not that he is mean, but I want a little more affection and stuff, not just always sarcastic humor that we both so widely use) and to actually do the things he says he will.

 

We ended that conversation/mini fight on a good note I guess and we promised to go out and have fun bowling, bc he decided to come along then. He also said I take the things he says too personally and I agree with him. He never ever says hurtful things towards me, I just always look into things and wish he were more open sometimes with me and tell me nice things. I ALWAYS want to talk about our relationship (if there is one?) and he doesn't like to bc of the pressure and he likes to work things out in his head before we do any talking. He has gotten better about talking about it with me every once and awhile but I try not to bring it up very often bc I know it isn't helping anything.

 

I feel so terrible about being all emotional and upset tonight. I don't want to be like this and want to be alright with us not always hanging out. I just don't like it when he changes his mind about plans that our group of friends make. I know he is trying to get on a better sleep schedule since he has trouble with it and is trying to be more responsible but sometimes I just want to hang out! I know I'm being stubborn and impaitent and I just want to have fun and hang out and not be a pressure filled, pushy, emotional cry baby. Haha

 

We did have fun bowling and made a bet on the last game. If he won then I had to chose the place we go to eat the next 3 times he and I go out to eat alone. We always take forever to decided and I am indecisive about those things bc I don't want to pick somewhere he really doesn't want to go, but he just doesn't like that it takes so long and ususally doesn't care where we go. (I am a vegetarian and he eats anything so sometimes we can't go certain places bc there isn't enough for me to eat. I am also a pretty picky eater and so is he). If I won, then he had to be nice to me for a whole day all day. Not that he isn't nice to me other times or that he is mean to me, but it was more of a joke and he and I kid around a lot and are fake mean to each other in a 4th grade kind of way. He won, so I have to pick where we eat now. It just made it a little more interesting.

 

When we left, I came back to my house with my roommate and he went home to his other house (we used to live together adn he still pays rent here at my house). He didn't really say goodbye to me but I wasn't going to say anything to him. Although I did mention it to my roommate haha and we both vented a little about our boy problems. To my surprise, I got a "Just wanted to say goodnight" text from him about 10 minutes after I got home. I just sent a "thanks good night to you too" one back. We never really have done the whole goodnight texts before and it was nice for him to initiate it and do a little something like that. That's all that I ever really wanted from him and have told him that before. That I just want him to do cute, little things that don't cost money for me (little notes, texts to just say hi or love you, empty the dishwasher, take out the dog, not to talk while Grey's Anatomy is on tv....haha I'm only joking about the last one, well only half joking). We used to leave notes in each other's cars at school when we at the same college that just said "I love you" and that meant the world to me! I just like little things!

 

He already told me that he isn't coming out tomorrow night (friday) bc he wants to get a good nights sleep and that Friday nights never seem fun to him and stuff. I have accepted that and am going to go out and have fun without him and with my roommates and friends. Who knows maybe he will come out, maybe not. Sometimes you just never really know with him. I think it all depends on how much sleep he gets a night.

[JIzzyM]

Also, tonight his best friend (who is also my friend) asked me if we were dating now. He asks me this pretty much all of the time now. He says he never understands him and doesn't understand our situation and why we can't just say we are dating. He always jokes to me and asks where my ex boyfriend is and that he knows he is with me bc we are always together. He is a good guy and he and his girlfriend are always talking to me and asking me how I am doing and what is going on with the ex and I. My ex doesn't talk much to anyone (except me) about his problems or his relationships, not even when we were together. He is just a private person when it comes to those things and would also never talk to his friends about our sex life or anything bc he thinks it is disrespectful and unnecessary. He is very into women's rights and respecting women. I always have found that attractive about him.

 

I just don't know how to deal with the days/nights that I feel unable to hold the words in my mouth, like tonight. I shouldn't have said anything about being upset about him not coming. I told him that I don't want to pressure him in any way and he said, "Well then don't! Bc you do sometimes, so just don't pressure me and don't worry about it so much and try to relax about it for awhile." How do I control this?!

 

I like to talk things out and work them out and make things better. I'm a problem solver and like to make things happen asap and I can't be that way with this. I feel like I am repeating myself over and over again, but it's my hardest issue with this right now. I can have fun without him and do things without him and on my own, but I just like him being around and like to be with him. UGH!

 

How do I calm down about all of this and not put so much pressure on him? I know the answer is to just relax and not push him, but sometimes it's just so hard! I need to be stronger about it and try to let thigns roll off my back a little more I guess. Not be so sensitive and hardheaded. Any advice would be greatly appreciated on how to relax and not put pressure on him anymore?! ](*,)

 

Thanks everyone!

 

PS- Oh and do you guys think I messed anything up tonight with the fight and being upset? I don't want to push him away and I am worried that I did a little tonight. I need to bring him closer, not push him away! Man and I had been doing so well the past week or so. Did I mess up tonight?

[honeyspur]

Well you are halfway on the mark - anxiety and agitation should be absent from your tone of voice when speaking to him, because it acts as a trigger to his already sensitive nature. But you must tell him when things bother you - in fact you do not speak of it with enough confidence for him to understand how important this is. Instead you speak with anger and fear.

Also, your reaction when he says no is too volatile and he feels justified because of that.

I suspect that because of his moodiness, he feels pressured by you.

People tied up in emotions have a lot of pressure to deal with already - even though it is pressure they put on themselves.

He probably would like to see you not need him, but still love him. Maybe he wants room to call you, look for you, be spontaneous and make plans based on how he's feeling. That can't happen if your reactions are explosive or drenched in tears.

 

When you say things like, "I don't know why I did that" or "Why did I get upset?" I think deep down inside you know why. Your needs aren't being met and that creates emotional pain. But you are on the right track deciding to go out with your friends, deciding to meet your own needs instead of waiting.

Stop thinking of terms "did I mess up?" because it's not about you being bad or wrong. That is not possible in matters of the heart.

Perhaps you are both right at the same time.....

[JIzzyM]

Thanks for the reply Honeyspur. You're right about my needs not being met, but I understand that right now he isn't intitled to met them and that he can't due to his circumstances. I just need to back off more and not let it bother me as much. Due to his depression I know he is having a hard time and me putting extra pressure on him sure doesnt help him whatsoever. I know I am sort of putting him on a pedestal right now, but I just know that we won't be able to work anything out while he is depressed. I am going to focus more on me and myself and try to worry less and less about him, but still be there for him when he needs a helping hand.

 

I think that if I go out and have fun without him (when he doesnt want to come out) and don't bother him or get upset about it then he will see that I can be more independent and am working on my problems, so maybe it will light a fire under his butt to work more on his problems. He also might see that he is missing out on fun times and actually want to come out more without me pulling his arm to go sometimes. It would just be better all around for the situation. For me and for him , but mostly for me.

 

He came over tonight and brought me a soda bc on the phone I mentioned that I had just woken up from a nap and was thirsty. That's the little things I like! I thanked him and gave him money for it bc I know he is low on cash (aka broke) and I am actually doing pretty well with my money managment right now! Yay! I just thought it was nice of him, he used to do that while we were together and still did sometimes since we have been broken up. But it felt like it meant more now bc I had mentioned wanting more little things the other day. I am just trying to look at it in a positive way, bc maybe that was what he was trying to do all along and I sort of overlooked it. Hmmm. It was just a nice little gesture.

 

We are meeting at a friend's house in a little while to build a fire, have some drinks (he and I won't be drinking) and to have our dogs play together. His twin brother is bringing his dog over and I am taking our dog over and hopefully it will tire them both out! It should be a good night (hopefully!) bc its something different to do and will just be interesting and fun. We will probably get some food too at some point and I told him that I can lend him a few bucks to get some food. I don't do it in a mean way or to make him feel bad. I explained that he has helped me out in the past before and now it's my turn to help him out bc I can.

 

Everyone cross your fingers and hope that I can keep my cool and not get all crazy and nag on him or anything! Today is the day that I start worrying less about him and more about me and trying to have fun, despite if he is there or not and also despite his mood! I won't let annoyance or anger show in my voice. I will be strong and independent and hopefully it will rub off on him a little and lighten him up! Wish me luck and keep the advice coming! I check this site multiple times a day bc its such a great help. Thanks everyone!!

[honeyspur]

Well I'm excited to hear about this now! Good luck!

[JIzzyM]

Alright, time for an update!

 

We went over to our friend's house to build a fire and let the pups play. It was a good time. We made smores (mmm) and had some good conversation and the dogs were so cute and tired themselves out. Thank god! My ex wasn't in the greatest of moods, but wasn't in the worst mood possible. He was just tired and a little annoyed with his one friend who was there. He nags him a lot and they argue over a lot of topics that he disagree on. Haha it's what they do all of the time and why they stay friends I think. I just let him go and didn't let his mood bother me. I left about 2 hours before he did bc my dog was getting anxious and starting to whine a lot since his wife (the other dog haha) left. I took him home to feed him and let him sleep. My ex called later and came over for a little. He was here for about 10 or so minutes and was being really nice to me. We went to get some food and then he dropped me off and went home to bed.

 

Sometimes I just feel like he is nicer/sweeter to me when we are alone and a little more distant when we are with other people. I haven't mentioned this to him yet. I am trying to wait for the right time and want to do it in a civil, non-accusitory way. I sometimes think it might be because he isn't ready to show those feelings in front of others yet. Maybe I am just looking into things too much, who knows!

 

Yesterday, I went and met him at a show his twin brother's band was playing. I took pictures for the band and we had a pretty good time. We went to eat after the show too. At the show, we had a good time and enjoyed a lot of laughs. I gave us both some space and didn't follow him around or anything. I never really did that before but I am trying to be more independent now. He would come looking for me and that was nice to know and made me feel pretty good. When we went to eat, he was talking about moving to Florida after school and this and that. He was making me feel kind of bad, but I know that wasn't his intentions. It was my crazy mind working overtime. He was giving me attention and put his arm around me when we were about to leave. Yeah, it was only for like 5-10 seconds as we were getting up, but it was the most physcially contact that we have had in public in a long time. (except for the new year's kiss). He took me home and we had a little talk in the car.

 

I told him that sometimes I need to know how he is feeling and where we stand bc I can't always read him and his actions. He said he still needs to be alone. I said that then maybe we need to spend less time together and he said that isn't necessary bc he loves spending time with me. (Does that make any sense to anyone?! ) I said it bothers me when he talks about moving and it makes me think that we won't be friends and that it will keep him from wanting to move forward with me. He said that isn't true and that he doesn't look that far in the future now. He said he used to do that and nothing ever worked out the way he wanted it to so he is trying to work on himself and make things happen the right way.

 

He said that if we were together then that maybe I would move to Florida too but he doesn't want to think or plan anything out right now. He also said I thought we were testing the waters still? and I said Are we? Bc sometimes I don't know what is going on and wish you would let me know what you're feeling and if you still like/love me. He said he will tell me if anything changes and that all I have to do is ask when I want to know. He also said that if I want him to stay over some night that all I have to do is ask. I told him that I want him to want to stay over and he said okay and he will tell me when he wants to and will ask if it is okay. We also talked about how he doesn't touch me or show me affection in a physical way as much anymore (in public and private). He said that maybe he isn't ready to do that yet. He doesn't want to give me false hopes or anything. I said then why are we even testing the waters if he doesn't even have an inkling feeling that this could work. He said he didn't mean it that way and he still wants to test the waters and is just really afraid of hurting me again. He said he hates it when I'm upset and wants nothing more than for me to not hurt ever again. He said that maybe he has to work into showing me more affection in public and that he needs time.

 

He needs time alone to figure himself out and work on his problems and that isn't that what I wanted him to do? I said yes, but I don't want you to do it for me, I want you to do it for you. He said he was and asked if I have noticed any change in him and if I noticed if that he was working on it. I said yes I have and asked if he noticed a change in me? He said yes he has and that we just need to keep on working on ourselves and our problems and see where it goes and communicate more with each other.

[JIzzyM]

Alright this is a continuation of my last post. Sorry for the length and details, I just like to give the whole story!

 

We hugged and promised to keep on working on each other and our problems and went on our own ways. I think it was a good talk in a way. We talked thru somethings and communicated in a better way. I know that this will take a long time and that it will take paitence and work on both our parts. He said he just needs some time to be alone and work on himself and get back to where he was a few years ago. Emotionally. Happier, not depressed, a positive outlook and motivated. I can see him working to make those things happen in his life again and I am glad he is doing that. He didn't seem annoyed or upset that we had the talk and was very nice about it and said we should talk about it sometimes, just not all of the time. I agree with him on that.

 

Today I was busy with work and going to dinner with some of my family for my birthday. My ex had to play drums for his brother's band at a show that was about 25-30 minutes away. He called while I was at dinner and I called him back when I got home later. He asked about my day and what I was doing. He wanted to know if I was coming up to their show, I told him that I would call him and let him know in a little while. I got home after talking it over with my mom (if it was a good idea to go or not) and called him and let him know that I wasn't going to come up. I didn't really feel like going (it was rainy out and my car isn't the best in the rain, I didn't want to spend $5-$7 on one band, and didn't want to waste gas. I also wanted to spend the night by myself and enjoyed myself just relaxing, watching tv, and hanging out with my dog) I wanted to be supportive of his music but don't want him to think that I would just drop everything and always run to where he is and everything. He didn't seem to mind that I didn't come and said he would call me after the show. He never called, but did IM me online when he got home. We talked for a little and he said he wasn't coming over tonight and asked if it was okay? I said it was fine and that I didn't mind. He asked if we could watch movies together tomorrow night after I work. I said sure.

 

I didn't mind that he wasn't coming over and think it's good that we both have a night off from each other. Hopefully it showed him that I don't need to see him everyday and that it isn't a big deal and I won't get upset about it. We will have more days like this (not seeing each other) coming up more often bc of school starting in a few days. I'm really excited for school to start up again (I'm going back for my second degree and am super excited about it!).

 

I think it's good that he initiated hanging out tomorrow night and especially since it is something that I suggested that we do awhile back. I hope things keep moving forward, yes slowly, but at least moving somewhere. I hope all of the stuff he said isn't all negative things and that this isn't a setback. I have been feeling pretty good lately and been happily working on myself. Let me know what you all think about alllll of this! Haha sorry again for the long posts! Thanks everyone!

[honeyspur]

Wow - I am just sitting here with my mouth open. I am amazed at the progress you are making with communication.

And the tone of this post is different somehow - you seem calmer, clear and more comfortable, no?

I'm so thrilled for you!!

How does it feel to be moving in this direction?

 

So cute that you guys had your dog get-together. I wish I had dogs but I live downtown here in the city and really no way to let them run around freely. I have 6 cats though

 

When he mentioned that he doesn't look into the future now because nothing ever works out - it sounded exactly like what my boyfriend used to say. I'm not sure if he will turn around with all this, he may have a clinical form of depression. But I do know that my boyfriend has gone back to a more positive light and I'm sure part of it has to do with me not following him to "the dark side" all these years.

We have even had NC over this - I know that separation made him realize to some degree that his negative thinking does not work in life.

 

I can't get over how brilliant of a move you made not going to his band event. You handled that PERFECTLY. You should definitely go to the next thing he does, even if you have to drop everything, to put some balance there - letting him know that sometimes you will go the extra mile - just not every time. I'm sure he will follow suit.

 

Your communication seems to be going so well - congradulations on this tremendous breakthrough!

[wishiknew]

J,

long read, but I going into that much detail really helps. The more I read about your situation the more it reminds me of my own. There are so many parallels in the way both our ex's are acting and feeling.

Just keep having fun and try not to think about all the good times you used to have, but rather the good times that you can have now.

Its good to hear that you're not letting anything set you back and are trying to move forward. I may just send you a PM yet going into detail about my situation

[JIzzyM]

honeyspur.. I love getting my dog together with his "wife" bc they play so much and are so cute! They have their little play dates and then get to eat together. Haha You have six cats?! That's so great! I love cats too. I have 3 here at my house (with my ex) and one at my parent's house. My one roommate also has one, so there are 4 cats and a dog running around our little house. Sometimes it gets a little crazy

 

I feel much better about everything that is going on now that I have calmed down about it and stopped stressing so much! I'm glad that I didn't go to his show too. I think it made a slight statement about my level of self-respect and ability to be by myself and not run after him all of the time. I haven't been over-thinking everything nearly as much these past 2 days either. I have been busy and will be even busier since school starts on Wedneday, so maybe I will just be too busy to worry about it all of the time. Kind of a relief!

 

Well, my ex was here when I woke up this morning and we hung out for about an hour or so before we both had to leave. Just watching tv and talking about our days and plans. We solidified our plans for watching a movie tonight and getting some food to eat which we watch. I went out for a while and when I came back before work, he was here again! I was only home for about 15-20 minutes before I had to leave but just enough time to share a few minutes together before we had to run again.

 

I went to work and made no money! (waitress. it was super slow only had 3 tables all night!) I came home and my one roommate and her guy friend/guy she is dating (who knows!) were here and wanted to hang out. Talked to the ex on the phone and then he came over not long after. The ex played video games for a bit while I read a magazine and surfed this site (yay!) and then we all 4 went to get some food to bring home.

 

We never got to watch the movie. Instead we played a board game and talked for a long time. Another one of our friends came over and he, the ex, and I talked for about 3 hours! We just laughed, told stories, watched tv, made fun of each other, had deep conversations and laughed some more! It was a good night. No relationship talk, no getting upset, no even thinking about getting upset, no bad moods or anything! Just a good old fashion fun time with some good conversation! He would touch my leg every once in awhile and kept my feet warm by putting his legs over top of them and I would squeeze his sides and lay my head on his shoulder every once in a while. Nothing crazy or over the top. Just very limited, basic stuff. I bet the others in the room barely even noticed it.

 

I think all in all it was a great night. I hope he noticed that we didn't have any bad moments in the night, not even any close to being bad! It was all just easy going and relaxed. I also hope he noticed that there wasn't any relationship talk or any remarks made about it at all! I just hope he had a good of a time as I did. He seemed to enjoy himself and was in a good mood tonight. So yay for that!

 

He told me to call him tomorrow when I wake up so that we can go to the bank and then go get my books together. Just a little time spent together before he has to go to his new job tomorrow doing taxes all day. I hope we have more days like this all of the time! I know it won't always be this great. I just hope there are more good days than bad days and I think I control that a good bit bc if I don't let things bother me then we don't get down about stuff and then have to talk about it all over again. Believe me people, light and fun is the way to go when hanging out with an ex!

 

Let me know what you all think of this and give me some feedback/advice on how you think everything is going and maybe what I could do differently or anything! Any advice is welcome! Hope everyone is well and doing better with their situations and focusing on themselves. It helps a lot in making you feel better about anything and everything.

[JIzzyM]

Hey everyone.

 

I'm a little afraid of getting "friend-ed" here. By this I mean, just staying friends instead of ever taking the relationship to another level. We hung out last night. Got food with our two friends (they are a couple) and watched the movie. It was a good night. I had a good time with everyone and really enjoyed the movie. No talk of relationships or anything like that, just a normal relaxed movie night. He stayed a little longer then our friends and wished me luck and school today (starting a new degree) and promised to ask me all about it. He grabbed my hand while he was saying this and told me not to worry or anything (not that I was haha but I think he is trying to be supportive and encouraging?). He hugged me before he left too. He also said that he will see if the band wants to get some pizza before they practice (I work in a pizza resturant) and that he would call me tomorrow (today) as well.

 

Oh, we also made plans for my bday this weekend. His brother's band is playing a few shows in another state this weekend and he might have to go play for them so he would miss my bday and bday celebration. I told him that it wasn't a big deal if he couldn't be here on Saturday and for my bday (Sunday) and that he should go if they need him or not. He said he will work it out and let me know. I also suggested that we could just go out on Friday night so that he and the band (we are all friends) could all be there. He said again that he will work it out and not to worry about it. So I guess I won't worry about it.?

 

I am just afraid that we aren't really doing anything relationship wise here. Like yes, we are only testing the waters but doesn't that mean we could kiss sometimes and cuddle a little more? I don't want to push him but it seems like we did more cuddling and stuff before and now this week its like he pulled back a little with the touching and sweet talk. I don't really know. One week he could be all super sweet and wants to cuddle non-stop and then the next week it's like we are just friends. Maybe it's his depression or he is having doubts or he is just being weird. I don't know, but I don't like to initiate any cuddling or kissing or anything bc I don't want to push him or pressure him in anyway.

 

Let me know what you all think of this. I have to go to class now and then I will be getting my hair done! Yay! A new cut and color for me

[wishiknew]

J,

I wouldn't read into it too much. just enjoy the ride and take it day by day. The grabbing your hand, the closeness you two share appear to be good signs that things are headed in the right direction. Don't force anything yet, its still too early.

Stay focused on your degree and don't let anything interfere with that. Oh, and happy birthday if I don't catch you before the weekend.

[JIzzyM]

Thanks for the birthday wishes wishiknew! I hope everything is going better for you...keep me updated!

 

I started school this week so I have been pretty busy lately! I also got a bad hair cut and color. I asked for red streak (I have redish brown hair) and the girl gave me blonde streaks and I asked for long bangs and she gave me short ones!! I was sooo furious but I'm going to fix it this weekend. Everyone says is looks good though, so I guess I can deal with it for now. grr.

 

So, I don't really know where I left off with my last post but I'll just hit some important points. He asked me to go bowling with his friends last night so we rounded up some of our other friends and went out bowling! It was a lot of fun. We all were super into it and cheering and having a good ol' time. My friend who likes me was there with his friends (the one who my ex had a little freak out session over..saying he can't be around when the person he loves falls in love with someone else and such) so that was a little bit of a surprise. I spent time with both, more with my ex and friends but I would go over and talk to him every once in a while. My ex made some comments about it (like "Oh your over talking to your new boyfriend" and when I mentioned something about him not caring about it he said "I never said that I don't care. I don't like him" I asked why and he said "bc I don't have any reason to like him and he keeps looking over here at me." and "I see you looking over at your new boyfriend" blah blah balh and some other random comments. My friend also made a comment about it saying "I don't think your boyfriend is very happy right now" I asked why and he said " bc your back and forth all night between us" and I said well he's not my boyfriend, I'm single and I can do whatever I want. I didnt make any indication that I liked him in any way more than a friend though.) I just played them all off and didnt let it bother me. We had a really good time just laughing and joking around.

 

The ex was very attentive to me last ngiht. He wanted to pay for my bowling and food after but I had already paid both before he said anything. He would share his seat with me and touched me a lot more. Like putting his hand on my back and stuff like that. Just little stuff that is barely noticeable to anyone but us. No bad times were had that night.

 

When we got home he cuddled with me on the couch a little bit and asked if I wanted him to spend the night tomorrow night (tonight) and I said sure if you want to. We are going out to celebrate my bday tonight and he was syaing that if i'm lucky that maybe i will get lucky tomorrow. I told him that he is just saying that bc he is horny and he said it wasn't and that he's not right now or something. Before he left we talked a little more about stuff. I said something about my dog being the only thing/person that I can rely on and he said "what about me? you can rely on me!" and I said oh since your always so full of false promises. (in a nice way. there was no fighting or angry/annoying tones all night. it was a civil calm conversation with a light hearted comedic sense to it) and he said "what do you mean? I thought I was doing pretty well this week" and I said yeah you have been but when was the last time we cuddled together and that I don't have any expectations anymore and am going to let it go with the flow bc I'm not putting effort into something that someone else won't put any/enough effort into and he said "I have been putting in effort and trying to keep my promises, seriously I have!" So I said alright and thank you for that and left it go. I didn't want to end such a good night in a bad way. So he asked for a hug (and he gave me a good one. I love hugs! haha) and told me to call him after I work tomorrow.

 

I called him today after I got off work and now I am going to be leaving in like 10 minutes to go pick him up to go to the mall and the bank. I hope that we have a good night again tonight and that he wasn't just being super nice to me bc my friend was there and everything or bc it's my birthday soon. I hope its genuine and from his heart.

 

Any way that I can tell if its an act or from his heart? Let me know what you all think of his actions and such. I need some advice on what to do! I have been trying to hold back more and be a little more distant so I don't get all smothery or creepy. I just want him to wonder a little about me and my feelings sometimes. Let me know!! Thanks!

[wishiknew]

from a guy's perspective i would say that things seem good but at the same time he's still holding something back.

 

just keep doing what you're doing, try to make yourself a little less available and make him come to you.

[JIzzyM]

wishiknew...I agree with what you're saying. I definitly think that he is holding something back. I also feel that I am holding something back too. I am doing it to protect myself and my heart a little. I think he is doing it bc he still isn't sure of his life and what will happen with us. He may be doing it to protect me a little bc he is always saying that he never wants to hurt me again and hates it more than anything when I am upset. He may also be trying to protect himself as well since he doesn't want me to be mad at him and to make sure his feelings are all there while we test this out. Who knows?! Ex's are weird.

 

Well, we went out on Friday night to celebrate my birthday. All of our friends were there and we were having a good time. My ex and I did get into it a little that night though. He said he might leave the bar (we had been there for maybe 20 minutes) bc his ex girlfriend (from 4 years ago!) was going to be coming with her fiance (the guy she left my ex for). I didn't mind that she was coming but was upset that he would even think about leaving my birthday celebration bc she was going to be there with her fiance. LAME! He said he just didn't want to see her or talk to her or deal with it. I asked if he wasn't over her and if he was happy that he wasn't with her anymore. He said he was more than over her and had been for years and that he would never want to be with her again and is happy that they broke up 4 years ago. FOUR YEARS AGO! My first love is in my one class and we have the same major. I didn't realize this until I walked into class on Wednesday. Talk about a surprise, but I was nice and talked with him and am not going to let it bother me. It's the adult thing to do and that's what I was telling my ex. He apologized and told me that he knows it was a mistake to even think about leaving and that he hopes we can have fun the rest of the night. So I let it go, although it still did bother me that he would leave.

 

We finished out the night and got into it a little more when we got home. I usually barely drink anything, but my friends were just buying me drinks left and right. I started to deny them and wouldn't drink anymore, bc I don't like to be crazy drunk and getting sick or anything. I could still walk smoothly and was just silly and having fun, but got into a fight with the ex when we were home. We said some things and I told him it was over and he said it wasn't and that we should just go to bed and talk about it later when there isn't alcohol involved. So we went to bed and that was that. Yeah I know it wasn't a bright moment on my part and I regret it a little but I can't go back in time.

 

He called me the next day (Saturday) and asked what I was doing? I replied with nothing really and he asked if I wanted to go to a nice mall about 30 minutes away with him? I agreed and he said he was going to go alone to get my bday present but figured that I would like to go and then he would be able to get me something he knew that I liked. So we went and had a good time. I didn't find anything that I liked though but it was still a good day.

 

We talked about the fight the night before on the way home. I apologized and he apologized. I told him that I feel like everything is on his terms and that if I overstep any lines or say something wrong that he might just pull the plug on the whole thing. He said its not like that and that he wouldn't do that and wants me to be able to do whatever I want and say whatever I want. He just hates fighting about it. I told him that I feel like I put in 100% while he is only putting in like 45%. He said that he has really been trying but maybe its nto in the right way and that he will try to put in effort in a different way and see how that works. He had also said the previous night that he is trying to make decisions about his life and depending on the decisions if I can factor in or not. I said that he doesn't have to make all of his life decisions right now and all at once and can work them out separately and thats what couples do. They support each other and work things out. He said he knows and that he just needs time. I asked if this meant that I had to wait 6 months for him to decide (thats when the semester is over and he graduates) if I factor in and he said no, definitly not bc he will have to all figured out before school is over. He said he might not even play music anymore and that he made it sound bad my saying I might not factor in and that he didn;t mean it that way. He said that he jsut needs time and want to work on things still and will work on the things I'm not happy with and I said okay well I can't wait forever and I will work on the things you aren't happy with. All in all I guess it was an okay conversation. I can't remember all of the details but it seemed like a good talk to me.

 

We hung out for the rest of the night too. Watched tv, went to a friend's house and got some dinner. He also spent the night that night too bc it was my bday the next day. We woke up the next day and had a little fun. Then I went to dinner with my mom and hung out with my family a little. I went back home then and he showed up like 20 minutes later with some food for the dog and supplies for the cats. I am usually always in charge of that stuff, so it was nice of him to take the reins and do that for once.

 

We watched a movie on tv and acted silly all night. He kept tickling my feet (hate that!) and just poking fun at me, while I would tickle him and try to put hsi hair in a ponytail and braid it and stuff (its curly and to almost to his shoulders...he hates it when I mess with it). It was all in fun and we were just having a good time acting like middle school kids. We went to eat with 2 friends later and he paid for my food. We hung out at the house talking for a few hours with our one friend then when we got back. He hugged me when he left and wished me a happy bday again and said he would see me tomorrow.

 

I know that we had a little glitch on Friday and that he still needs time to figure everything out and that I need to be paitent. I'm not sure how much longer I can wait though. Definilty not 6 months or anything. He says he still loves me very much and loves the time we spend together. This is all just so weird and confusing. I know we talk about it and communicate (which is something we agreed that we need to work on more and try to do more often) but it still bothers me sometimes. He says he sees me more than anyone else and enjoys that and hanging out but isnt that dating then? I mean come on! Neither of us are interested in anyone else and always see each other and go places together. Our friends must get really confused about the whole thing. Haha.

 

Sorry that this was so long and detailed. I hope everyone had a good weekend. I'll keep on updating daily bc this is like my journal now.

[wishiknew]

god, sometimes i think he should just man up and say that he wants to be with you. I mean there are no signs to indicate otherwise, but very much like you i'm an optimist and like to see things in a positive light.

 

It seems that you and I are very much in for the long haul of waiting for our respective storms to settle. Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing it, I'm sure you ask yourself the same questions that I do everyday. In the end I come up with the same answer though, to me its worth it. Is it to you?

 

My situation is very much like yours in terms of progress. We still spend a lot of time together, the closeness is there physically. But thats all.