Begging for an answer

[ryske11]

I'm going to apologize now for the long post. i've been reading this forum for a few weeks now and you all have been very helpful. I thank you all, and thank any of you that take the time to read my story below and i appreciate any of your advice. thank you all.

 

A look back on what was the year 2006 for myself. This year was a tough one, probably the toughest i've ever had. The year started with me having a full-time job making good money in a nice office down in center city. Things seemed to be good, but they weren't. It was only time before it all happened. The job soon became stale and I decided to leave with out having something else lined up. It sucked me dry. Right about the same time my mother began having her health problems. One day they said she had a stroke, and then another two weeks later, another, and once again one month later. The whole time doctors were baffeled as to why she was having strokes but then fully recovering. Then it happened. She was diagnosed with an unopperable stage 4 malignant brain tumor. Pretty much the worst possible scenario. She began kemo and radiation immediately. After the first round of treatment, after tests were done they found it had only grown larger, so back to the treatments again. She is still going through them now and is doing well. She is staying strong and enjoying her life, so I thank you all for any prayers you may send her way. Back to the work situation shortly after finding out about my mother i was offered an even better job working for a well know company. it seemed like my luck had changed for the better. i was wrong. after 2 weeks training i was let go because of something on my record from a while back. basically a technicality. So there i found myself without a job, broke, and worn out emotionally. My mother and i would fight on a regular basis about it all and it pushed me away from her. It got to the point were i had to leave the house and find somewhere to live. so i stayed at a friends house for about a month living on the couch, doing odd work and trying to get by, until i could find a place. I finally did find a place, the home i reside at now. i had no money but it was cheap enough to afford. Also at the same time, the girl i had been dating for about 2 years broke up with me, because of my inability to give her what she was looking for. she wanted quality things out of the relationship, she wasn't asking much. just things like going out and doing things, little things like a walk, just to spend quality time together. its not that i didnt want to do these things for her, i just couldn't. I loved her with all i had, i was just dead inside for sometime. i was unable to leave my bed, the fear of every day stresses paralyzed me. when we broke up it was probably harder for her at the time, i loved her, but at that time, i had pretty shut off feeling anything completely. so i was able to at least not be upset about it. she moved on and is currently doing well for herself and reaching for her goals. So there i found myself. My life as i knew it had completely dissappeared. For months after that i did nothing, i couldn't. i was trapped in my own prison, i had become my worst enemy. then one day it hit me. i saw life passing by, i saw what i was giving up and what i was losing. i decided right there i wasn't going to let that happen. i knew that if things were going to get better it was going to take a lot of work, and that the bull * * * * had to go. I realized that i had let the girl i love walk away without even trying. I knew i wanted a better life for me, my family, and any possible future family. I knew what i wanted and i wanted her. The changes i made were significant. I found not one but two jobs, working from 8am-9pm everyday. I applied to go back to school and get my degrees. I'm in the process of volunteering at the zoo showing little kids around. I set up my room and made a home for myself. i finally faced my financial fears, set up a budget, started paying my bills(all simple things to most but difficult for me). And i approached the girl and told her my feelings about her. As of now all is on track and things are looking very good. except for one thing. the girl. after the break up she did what she had to do to get over me. i wish i had the strenght at the time to do the things i needed to in our relationship, it was just too much all at once for me and i broke down. she still loves me and cares for me but as a friend. she says she is hopeful that someday we may be together again but i believe she's just trying not to hurt me. i've confessed myself to her, put all of myself out there, started doing the things i should have been doing the whole time. but it hasn't worked. i feel that she is over me and has moved on. she has been dating around a little bit and has told me she has feelings for someone else. This is the daily struggle going through my head now. I ask myself questions like "if she really loved me, would she have stuck around while i was having difficulty, instead of leaving me" or "it was my fault, i couldn't be there for her, so she should have left me". Basically all i've ever seen is that if you really love someone, theres no limit to what you'll do for them. That no matter what you don't give up, and it will return. The problem is now that I'm back to my feet and thinking clear I want to do anything i can to prove to her my love. But that can only work if they want you to prove it to them. If she has no interest in me, all that effort is in vain and will only push her farther apart. I've confessed many times, pleaded for a chance to work it out. I wanted her to tell me that she was either over me and wanted me to move on or that she thought that there might be a chance for us. I wanted her to tell me she thought there was a chance and to give me the chance to prove to her. She was not able to do that, she says that she can't and that she doesn't know right now. If I know that there is even a small chance that we could be together, i would do anything. But if theres not that chance, if she doesn't know, what am i supposed to do. she knows i treated her better than anyone else in her life ever has, and i think she still sees that. my question to anyone who reads this is "should i not give up, and continue to put myself out there with hopes" or "accept that fact that she has moved on, and i need to get over it". to some this may seem a simple question. Yesterday i told her that we needed to talk. i wanted her to tell me either to get over it and it was over or that she thought we had a chance. She of course said she thought and hoped that there was a chance to someday be together. At this point i felt that if that was the case, she should have the faith in me to give it a try. i wasn't asking for a life time commitment, just some time to give this thing a try and see where it goes. and with that of course we be exclusive and not be dating around. that she said she could not answer. i told her that i cared about her and to really think it over. i want to be friends with her and be and hang out with her but i can't do that and get over her at the same time. i feel like i deserve an answer. i told her i was sorry that she wasn't able to answer the question and that when and if she wanted to find me she knew where. Still not sure if that was the right thing to do but I feel that i really deserve it and it's not asking too much. all she had to say was she was sorry i felt that way, that she cared about me, and if i ever needed anything to call her. So now that you all know the whole situation what is your honest opinion? Should i try and be friends with her, hoping that the guys she is seeing mess up, sending her back to me possibly or to someone else. Or should I move the hell on? I feel like moving on is the easy way out and that i'd be giving up on someone with real value. I don't want her to be the one that got away. If its too late for a chance I guess that's exactly what she will become, "the one that got away". I think I'll continue to try not to contact her, just wait for her to call me. I just am stuck on which way to go. Everything else in my life is on the up. I feel great about it all, and know good things are in store for myself. So as the clock hits 12 tonight and the year rolls over, I'll be wishing i was with the one i loved to share the moment and start off the year in the best way possible. Unfourtunatly i dont think its gonna happen, all i have is hope. Either way I look forward to this new year. I look forward to what it has in store for me and where i'll be by this time next year. Maybe i'll be with her, maybe i won't, maybe i'll find someone even better that truley wants me for me. Or maybe i'll stay alone. I don't know the answers to these questions, so all I'm gonna rely on is faith, its the key.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

Let me first off say that I think you are an awesome guy for sticking by your mom while she's sick despite all the troubles you two had. And kudos to you for getting your life back on track after all those troubles with your job.

 

Ok, you shouldn't get yourself into a position where there is a complete imbalance of power, such as holding on to a shred of hope that you might someday possibly hopefully potentially get back together if things work out somehow maybe. In this case you are determined that this is what you want, but she isn't. It sounds to me like she wants to be out there dating right now, but in the future she *might* be open to dating you again. Because of this imbalance I think it would be impossible for you to be friends with her. You are going to get crushed every time she has plans with someone else. And it's a lot to risk gambling that this new guy will screw up, what if he doesn't? Best to remove yourself from the situation and not know. And that friendship wouldn't last very long if you are being constantly frustrated and hurt because you know she is just dangling out of your reach. It's a lot of pain you can really do without.

 

You seem to have a knack for doing the right things to turn a bad situation around, so put your long term interests first. Take some time off, heal and put yourself back in the dating pool when you are ready. I've been through three serious relationships where I thought I would never meet a woman as great as the one that just split with me, only to be surprised when I come accross someone equally special.

[audreypoulain]

As tough as it may seem I think you should try to be her friend. She knows you well and can probably count on you for support if ever she needs it. I think you should stay friends with her but move on inside your heart. Be her friend and try to improve your own life. Dont call her instead wait for her to call you, if you want call once in awhile and act as a friend. You never know this friendship can blossom to more if you have faith. Be the person she can look forward to by being happy and with joy when she talks to you on the phone, show like you care. She will slowly start to fall in love with you again and from there you need to decide if you want to get back with her. Act like you are starting over and little by little make her fall in love with you again and to do this start by being a friend, a good friend.

 

This is just my opinion sorry if its not what you would like to see.

[Budman]

First off my best wishes for your mom.

 

Secondly, The woman left you when you needed her the most. Why on earth would you want her in your life again? (I'm sorry I might be the only one seeing this). Your job fell through, your mom got cancer (strokes) and she left you after 2 YEARS of dating (its not like its a month or two).

 

Ok, this "shows" a thing to me.

 

1. She is a quitter.

 

It got too tough for her, and she left. Granted I can understand (my mom died from cancer in october and I had an ex leave me during the start of the whole thing) why it is easy to leave but she still did.

 

How can you be with someone whom you know will have the potential to leave you at the drop of the hat.

 

Anyway with that said, I feel you did the right thing, do not be her friend as SHE was not your friend or even partner. Why does she deserve your support as a friend when she did not give you any support?

 

Anyway, if you wish to pursue her still, you did the right thing, focus on you (date if you want), and do not contact her. You left the ball in her court. I told my one ex an ultimatum, Either we're together, or we're apart no friends bullcrap. It worked rather well, she stayed away it was WIN-WIN!

[ryske11]

thanks you guys. budman, she was there for me though. She always was, it was me that let her down. you have a point tho, if the situation was flipped around i'd hope i had it in me to stick it out. I don't feel she abandoned me, i feel she needed to know that if we we're going to stay together any longer, that i was going to be able to have my stuff together and not be a loser all my life. i was a big loser too. Anyway you make a good point, she left me when i needed her most. Guess im gonna have to look at that a little more. audrey your advice is the way i think i'd like to do this. i want to at least give it a try, even tho reluctant_rebuilder is probably right. i want to be a strong enough person to be her friend even if we aren't going to be together. I guess I'll find out if I got it in me. Thanks again, anyone have anything else? maybe an example or something.

[Budman]

lol hey you missed me!

 

grr lol

[SarahRose]

She really isn't a quality individual. Budman says she is a quitter and I agree. She was not there when you needed her most. She's not the one. The one would have stood by your side and temporarily put away her needs during this. She's the type that enjoys a relationship as long as things are going well.

 

It seems that she really isn't that interested in getting back together but rather just trying to be nice and she has moved on and is gently trying to tell you that. Being her friend at this point is just going to get you used and unable to move on to a new relationship.

[ryske11]

lol hey you missed me!

 

grr lol

 

thanks man. much appreciated.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sometimes people need the tough love approach....if their partner is floundering and pushing people away, sometimes it is best to walk away as a wake up call to the partner. In other words, like you, rock bottom has to be hit before there is a turn around. Having said all that, walking away shouldn't be forever if you really love someone. It sounds to me that she just wanted to coast along and when things went sour, she wasn't walking away out of concern for you, more out of concern for herself and wanting a fun relationship.

 

In life people go through difficult times....and that is what commitment is all about...sticking with the person through the difficult times. If you stay friends with her in the hopes of showing her that you are back to your old self...and then she comes back to you....what happens if life throws you a curve again? Will she bolt again? I would say walk out of her life and let her see what she is missing. She needs to grow up.

 

I am sorry about your mother. That is rough. My father has been going through chemo for colon cancer (they removed the tumour surgically). I also have a friend who has breast cancer which has metastasized to the liver...she is terminal. It is a very tough thing to watch family members and friends go through the ordeal.

[ryske11]

she needs and wants her space. she isn't sure what she wants, but wants to be friends, tells me that she loves me, and hopes we can be together, so that all just leaves me extremely confused. i thought by going out of my way to put myself out there would be worth something. I was wrong. she needs to really be alone, away from me. if she's ever going to see what its like the NC is what i gotta do. i sent her a message of an email she sent me a while ago, pretty much saying what i'm feeling now. i told her that i care for her and wish i could be friends but, contact from me would be ending. i told her that if she ever made up her mind she knows where to find me. i have a very bad feeling about this NC thing, thinkin of course its just going to wreck any chance. guess ill just have to have faith that no matter what happens, everythings gonna be alright.

[ryske11]

damn even right now i'm resisting the urge to call her and tell her how i feel again. someone please help me resist this. i think NC is the right thing but its not yet set in stone in my head. tonite is nye and all i want to do is be with her. doubt thats gonna happen, makes me feel like i dont want to do anything tonite.