I'm going to apologize now for the long post. i've been reading this forum for a few weeks now and you all have been very helpful. I thank you all, and thank any of you that take the time to read my story below and i appreciate any of your advice. thank you all.
A look back on what was the year 2006 for myself. This year was a tough one, probably the toughest i've ever had. The year started with me having a full-time job making good money in a nice office down in center city. Things seemed to be good, but they weren't. It was only time before it all happened. The job soon became stale and I decided to leave with out having something else lined up. It sucked me dry. Right about the same time my mother began having her health problems. One day they said she had a stroke, and then another two weeks later, another, and once again one month later. The whole time doctors were baffeled as to why she was having strokes but then fully recovering. Then it happened. She was diagnosed with an unopperable stage 4 malignant brain tumor. Pretty much the worst possible scenario. She began kemo and radiation immediately. After the first round of treatment, after tests were done they found it had only grown larger, so back to the treatments again. She is still going through them now and is doing well. She is staying strong and enjoying her life, so I thank you all for any prayers you may send her way. Back to the work situation shortly after finding out about my mother i was offered an even better job working for a well know company. it seemed like my luck had changed for the better. i was wrong. after 2 weeks training i was let go because of something on my record from a while back. basically a technicality. So there i found myself without a job, broke, and worn out emotionally. My mother and i would fight on a regular basis about it all and it pushed me away from her. It got to the point were i had to leave the house and find somewhere to live. so i stayed at a friends house for about a month living on the couch, doing odd work and trying to get by, until i could find a place. I finally did find a place, the home i reside at now. i had no money but it was cheap enough to afford. Also at the same time, the girl i had been dating for about 2 years broke up with me, because of my inability to give her what she was looking for. she wanted quality things out of the relationship, she wasn't asking much. just things like going out and doing things, little things like a walk, just to spend quality time together. its not that i didnt want to do these things for her, i just couldn't. I loved her with all i had, i was just dead inside for sometime. i was unable to leave my bed, the fear of every day stresses paralyzed me. when we broke up it was probably harder for her at the time, i loved her, but at that time, i had pretty shut off feeling anything completely. so i was able to at least not be upset about it. she moved on and is currently doing well for herself and reaching for her goals. So there i found myself. My life as i knew it had completely dissappeared. For months after that i did nothing, i couldn't. i was trapped in my own prison, i had become my worst enemy. then one day it hit me. i saw life passing by, i saw what i was giving up and what i was losing. i decided right there i wasn't going to let that happen. i knew that if things were going to get better it was going to take a lot of work, and that the bull * * * * had to go. I realized that i had let the girl i love walk away without even trying. I knew i wanted a better life for me, my family, and any possible future family. I knew what i wanted and i wanted her. The changes i made were significant. I found not one but two jobs, working from 8am-9pm everyday. I applied to go back to school and get my degrees. I'm in the process of volunteering at the zoo showing little kids around. I set up my room and made a home for myself. i finally faced my financial fears, set up a budget, started paying my bills(all simple things to most but difficult for me). And i approached the girl and told her my feelings about her. As of now all is on track and things are looking very good. except for one thing. the girl. after the break up she did what she had to do to get over me. i wish i had the strenght at the time to do the things i needed to in our relationship, it was just too much all at once for me and i broke down. she still loves me and cares for me but as a friend. she says she is hopeful that someday we may be together again but i believe she's just trying not to hurt me. i've confessed myself to her, put all of myself out there, started doing the things i should have been doing the whole time. but it hasn't worked. i feel that she is over me and has moved on. she has been dating around a little bit and has told me she has feelings for someone else. This is the daily struggle going through my head now. I ask myself questions like "if she really loved me, would she have stuck around while i was having difficulty, instead of leaving me" or "it was my fault, i couldn't be there for her, so she should have left me". Basically all i've ever seen is that if you really love someone, theres no limit to what you'll do for them. That no matter what you don't give up, and it will return. The problem is now that I'm back to my feet and thinking clear I want to do anything i can to prove to her my love. But that can only work if they want you to prove it to them. If she has no interest in me, all that effort is in vain and will only push her farther apart. I've confessed many times, pleaded for a chance to work it out. I wanted her to tell me that she was either over me and wanted me to move on or that she thought that there might be a chance for us. I wanted her to tell me she thought there was a chance and to give me the chance to prove to her. She was not able to do that, she says that she can't and that she doesn't know right now. If I know that there is even a small chance that we could be together, i would do anything. But if theres not that chance, if she doesn't know, what am i supposed to do. she knows i treated her better than anyone else in her life ever has, and i think she still sees that. my question to anyone who reads this is "should i not give up, and continue to put myself out there with hopes" or "accept that fact that she has moved on, and i need to get over it". to some this may seem a simple question. Yesterday i told her that we needed to talk. i wanted her to tell me either to get over it and it was over or that she thought we had a chance. She of course said she thought and hoped that there was a chance to someday be together. At this point i felt that if that was the case, she should have the faith in me to give it a try. i wasn't asking for a life time commitment, just some time to give this thing a try and see where it goes. and with that of course we be exclusive and not be dating around. that she said she could not answer. i told her that i cared about her and to really think it over. i want to be friends with her and be and hang out with her but i can't do that and get over her at the same time. i feel like i deserve an answer. i told her i was sorry that she wasn't able to answer the question and that when and if she wanted to find me she knew where. Still not sure if that was the right thing to do but I feel that i really deserve it and it's not asking too much. all she had to say was she was sorry i felt that way, that she cared about me, and if i ever needed anything to call her. So now that you all know the whole situation what is your honest opinion? Should i try and be friends with her, hoping that the guys she is seeing mess up, sending her back to me possibly or to someone else. Or should I move the hell on? I feel like moving on is the easy way out and that i'd be giving up on someone with real value. I don't want her to be the one that got away. If its too late for a chance I guess that's exactly what she will become, "the one that got away". I think I'll continue to try not to contact her, just wait for her to call me. I just am stuck on which way to go. Everything else in my life is on the up. I feel great about it all, and know good things are in store for myself. So as the clock hits 12 tonight and the year rolls over, I'll be wishing i was with the one i loved to share the moment and start off the year in the best way possible. Unfourtunatly i dont think its gonna happen, all i have is hope. Either way I look forward to this new year. I look forward to what it has in store for me and where i'll be by this time next year. Maybe i'll be with her, maybe i won't, maybe i'll find someone even better that truley wants me for me. Or maybe i'll stay alone. I don't know the answers to these questions, so all I'm gonna rely on is faith, its the key.
