Where should I draw the line?

[anggrace]

For those of you unfamiliar with my posts, heres a quick run-down. It seems my boyfriend isnt interested in intimacy with me. Im 30, he's 33. Ive tried EVERYTHING I know and have been trying for two years (since weve been together). He just doesnt seem into it. Its been over 3 weeks.

 

So naturally, I question, to myself, what could it be? Im feeling a bit insecure because of it. I told him how I feel and attempted to nicely and calmly ask him some questions so that I can understand. One question being, Is there someone else on your mind? He got very angry at me for asking him this. He said it was hurtfull. We haven't spoken or seen eachother in three days.

 

So now not only do I have a relationship where there is no intimacy, but we cant talk either. Did I go about this the wrong way? How else can we work on our "issues" if we cant talk about them? Should I appologize? I usually do. Or should I just not call him.

[LittleLion24]

I hate to say this but usually when guys get defensive when you ask them a question like "is there someone else?" etc. that usually means there is someone else, and they feel guilty so they get defensive and mean instead of being open and honest.

 

If it's been three weeks and he's not interested that may be another sign that there is someone else. If you two do get intimate, and he tries or has any new tricks that also is a red flag.

 

Don't apologize. I think you need to stand up for yourself and tell him you're not happy. You may not want to "break up" but it may be the best answer for now. There is no sense in making yourself anymore miserable if he won't talk to you and be with you. If he isn't willing to work on the "issues" then that means he doesn't see the relationship progressing any further. Get out now because you deserve better. Plus, if you initiate the "break up" then you'll feel much better because you'll beat him to it, and nobody likes to be the dumpee. Get yourself out before he hurts you even more.

[DN]

Unless there are moral or religious reasons, sex, for the vast majority of people, is a requisite for a loving long-term relationship.

 

You are not being unreasonable in wanting sex and if he is unwilling to talk about it then I think you may have to consider leaving the relationship

[Beec]

I agree with DN in that you are not unreasonable in wanting sex. But I also know that some people have sex drives that can apporach nonexistent. Also, while an affair is possible, not that I would know if there is one without some evidence, it might also be that he saps his own drive. You can find a number of threads posted by women whose men look at porn all the time and don't touch their women. If you yank it all the time for yourself, you may not need anyone else to take care of your drive.

 

Finally, you should also examine your approach to sex and a number of things that could affect what he wants. It's seems that you have had sex at times, since you mention it has been three weeks. If you want more, then perhaps you need to get him in the mood for more. And the mood for more is going to be about how he feels. Your feelings won't have much to do with his drive. The most likely issue I could predict is that you probably make very direct approaches. When you want sex, you let him know. The problem with men is that this often has the exact opposite effect from what is desired. It's one of the ironies of human psychology. Ask a man for sex and he does not want it. Act like you may be slightly resistant to the idea of it, and he wants you.

 

Another thing I would work on is to create some sexual tension between the two of you. The feelings of buterflies that come when you are first with someone, that's tension. The feelings you get when a guy first kisses you, when all those butterflies disappear and you feel really great, that the release of the tension. In order to get the release, you need some tension. Too much tension and you risk breaking things or creating an abuse situation. So be careful about how much you create. A simple way to create some is to jsut change how you kiss. If he moves to kiss you and you let him get close, then smile flirtingly and back just out of the reach of his lips, then when he leans further in, do it again, YOU WILL BE CREATING TENSION. When you later go up to him, grab him by surprise and kiss him deeply, there will be release.

 

Also, eroticize your body. We want what we cannot have, RARITY increases our desire for something. Make the sight of your body naked rarer. Wear pajamas, for most nights something like these would be a good choice, as they don't really indicate what something sheer and hardly there would indicate. However, you should change the style from that into different directions, but sexier and not. Also, when he does so interest, talk to him as he does things, tell him when he is kissing and caressing your breasts that it feels good to him. There are several other things you can do too.

 

Finally, perhaps it is medical. Maybe he should get checked.

[anggrace]

Why do I have to try so hard? Ive tried all the tricks I know of, read the books, "teased" him, played hard to get. I dont like these games. Theyre not working. Im attractive and show him my love in many ways. I just wish that was enough! Sorry, a bit frustrated.

 

I know there are many possibilities as to what it could be. But Its so hard to talk to him about it. I dont know the best way to do it.

[Aurian]

Maybe just try pulling back yourself? Maybe the fact you're working so hard is making him feel like its okay to sit back and not do anything? He's getting all this attention for free!

 

Second suggestion is to try sit him down and clearly tell him that there is a problem that needs to be fixed. Tell him that you're unhappy that the sex is gone and that you two need to work together to fix it. Don't blame him or point fingers. There could be many reasons why he's lost interest - stress at work, a medical problem, or just not feeling into it. If he still blows you off, and refuses to talk, then it seems like he is not willing to work on the problem. In which case, I would suggest a separation period. He may decide to work on it after all, or he may not. If he does not, then he isn't really into the relationship for whatever reason.

[Aurian]

The best way to talk? Find a time that isn't too stressful (such as not right after he rebuffs you Maybe after dinner or on the weekend when neither are tired and exhausted or emotional. A way to start might be (always remember not to blame because then the other people will get defensive and stop listening):

 

"hey (you), I really need to talk about something. You don't seem to be into sex anymore, and I am really worried. I feel unwanted and insecure, and I feel like there is a problem in our relationship. I want to talk about it so we can fix it together. Can you tell me why we haven't been having sex anymore?"

[guyoverthere]

My ex used to have real problems getting intimate with me. I thought it was me and told her it made me feel unnattractive (I'm not) and I was always questioning it was her. Turns out she was suffering from some pretty severe anxiety disorders and the meds she was taking were affecting her drive. Now, I don't know if your bf is stressed out, anxiety ridden or what, but those things can all lead to depressed sex drive.

Is he still affectionate in a non-sexual way?

Also, what does he do for a living? Has there been a death in the family? Does he have a history of depression? Might he be homosexual? - (sorry, have to ask)

If he can't give you a straight answer, ask him if he'll do counseling.

If he says no to that, suspect a real problem.

[anggrace]

My ex used to have real problems getting intimate with me. I thought it was me and told her it made me feel unnattractive (I'm not) and I was always questioning it was her. Turns out she was suffering from some pretty severe anxiety disorders and the meds she was taking were affecting her drive. Now, I don't know if your bf is stressed out, anxiety ridden or what, but those things can all lead to depressed sex drive.

Is he still affectionate in a non-sexual way?

Also, what does he do for a living? Has there been a death in the family? Does he have a history of depression? Might he be homosexual? - (sorry, have to ask)

If he can't give you a straight answer, ask him if he'll do counseling.

If he says no to that, suspect a real problem.

 

No, hes not very affectionate in any way. Well, I guess in his own way. It reminds me of how a boy would act towards me in grade school if he liked me. He'll poke me, make faces, call me silly names,ect.

 

For a living? Hes doing his post doc. I understad this can be stressfull. He's got alot to do. But its been this way for two years. Can it be that stressfull? Mabey it can.

 

His mom passed away a few years ago. He doesnt talk about it. But he has broken down on a couple occasions saying he misses her.

 

Depression? Not sure. I definatly think he has some symptoms. I dont think he'd admit it though.

 

Homosexual? Yes, Ive wondered. Ive feared. But I dont think so.

 

I feel a bit guilty for putting his personal business on here. But I love him so much and I need help saving this relationship.

[guyoverthere]

Maybe you should just give him some space for a little while and then, wait and see. I wouldn't go NC, just let him breathe and relax. If he's having issues (stress, anxiety, oppressed feelings regarding his mother, homosexual feelings, etc.) then the space may give him some time to deal with them and perhaps he'll be more articulate about his problems.

If the space doesn't help and he still won't talk, and he won't go to counseling, then you might want to consider moving on.

Good luck.

[anggrace]

Thanks. I think some space would be a good start. I could use it too. This whole thing has been stressing me out and Ive been trying so hard, I need a break.

 

btw- just back from a long job in DC- loved it! Shenandoah was nice too!

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

Stop trying so hard and relax. Wait a while and see if he comes around. Chances are, if you pull back a bit, he'll come forward a bit.

 

Good luck, and don't stress.