How much is normal??

[Confused_kelly]

I dont know if this is the place to post this, but what would you say its an acceptable amount of sex for people who are in a arelationship bf/gf and are not married.

 

I know everyone is different and circumstances play a big role in this. But how little can mean problems?

[keenan]

I think it's more about whether you're each satisfied. Every relationship has a unique dynamic.

[Confused_kelly]

My concern is , I want sex much more often than he does, I know he is not cheating, I trust him. But he kind of goes into seasons. We used to have sex everytime we saw each other, then ot slowed down then picked uo, then about once a week

 

I feel like Im always initiating things and I really feel awful when he "rejects"me. Right now, he is at my house, I tried to start something and he told me, we had sex yesterday, Im like what???? he is in my bed sleeping, I feel really frustrated Ive tried talking about it I dont know if its my aproach but it alway ends up with him telling me Im pressuring him. Its like oh we had sex yesterday why do it today? I mean to me it sounded like its work to him.

 

Maybe Im the one with the problem, Im never too tired, too distracted etc. Im always up for it. I know love is much more than that but for some reason I feel unloved by him when he declines my advances. Im worried because we are supposed to get married in a year but I dont want to be in a marriage where sex is going to be a problem.

 

I forgot to mention right now we are at maybe twice a week.

[keenan]

You don't have a problem - trust me. It sounds like you just have different needs. Have you tried having an open conversation about it? It may be good to learn if he just has a lower sex drive in general, or if something is bothering him. Alternately, would you feel loved and close if you just snuggled together? Maybe he could do that....

 

I'd feel just as frustrated, though.

[anggrace]

You are lucky. Its been three weeks for me. But I also agree that it depends on the person. I would be happy if he came on to me once a week. Id then have no problem initiating it the other times.

[Confused_kelly]

No I wouldnt feel better. In fact thats exactly what he did, he cuddled next to me to fall asleep, most people would say oh thats sweet, well thats not what I want, cuddles does not equal sex. I swear to God it makes me want to punch him.

 

It just makes me feel unwanted. Like I said I've tried talking about it but I dont know if is the moments I choose or my attitude but he always feel spressured when I do talk about it and that makes it worse. I know he works a lot, his schedule is different from most people.

 

He starts work at 4 am , so he has to wake up at 2:30 am , and he works until 12 afternoon. Im a student so yeah schedules are different, I know he is tired at times when Im not.

 

Ive heard sex diminishes once you get married, dont know if its the case for everyone, but my god do you imagine then? what am I going to do if thats the case? I dont even want to imagine the problems we could have.

[jengh]

grrrr..SAME HERE!!!!!!! we went from everytime we saw each other, which was about 4-5x a week...to ONCE if im lucky! And again, I know he's not cheating, there's no doubt in my mind about that. I also know he loves me so that's not it... its so frustrating..

[Confused_kelly]

So what to do then? I mean do I have to compromise my needs for him? why cant he meet me halfway?

 

I know I can get really when I dont get what I want, but he doesnt understand how frutrating this is. Thats why I get somad when people say men are more sexual than woman, thats really not the case, it depends on each person.

 

Have you talked with your boyfriend about it or have you just adjusted?

[cordelia]

It all depends on the relationship really! I've been in relationships where we had sex all the time, and then others where I didnt even want it as much. Another thing is that its totally normal to have sex all the time in the beginning when you are in the "honeymoon stage" and then for it to slow down after a year or even less sometimes. In my past experience, if your together for say a year at least and you are still having sex 2-3 times a week but not everyday, that is still healthy! It just means you are in more of a comfort zone.

[Confused_kelly]

But what can I do with myself? I mean I really get mad and feel horrible when he does that. Ive tried being the one that says no I cant do it, Im saying yes faster than anything. I feel like I bore him, I know this may not be the case, but like I said is how it feels.

[Caterina]

Talk to him about it. Ask him what the problem is. If he can't give you a legit reason, I'd think twice about staying in a relationship like that.

[Confused_kelly]

But isnt that a bit of a shallow reason?

I mean its not like the man is impotent.

 

I just dont know how and when to approach him about it so he doesnt feel like Im attacking him

[veneratio]

I know how you feel. What's worse is being rejected by your partner. When I start getting mad about it, I try to find something to do, something that I enjoy. Or something that relieves my stress and anger, like working out. Not too much to really do besides take your mind off of it somehow. I know that's easier said than done.

[denisemarie]

Nothing unusaul about your drive. My b/f and I have intercourse nearly everyday and have for years. We both had to get used to eachother's different needs, but we eventually got to a great place. For him he enjoys it at the crack of dawn, I get grumpy sometimes b/c I'm tired, but I can usually be suckered in with nice long back rub. I prefer mid day which only works when I am actually home, so we try to accomadate eachother when we can and it keeps us both happy. Now even when we are at odds sex is never an issue. I obviously am more receptive during certain times of the month and he does tell me to cool my jets, but he enjoys it even if he can't enjoy it any more. During my monthly we have fun together in other ways, but ultimatly we rarely go more than few days. We have been together six and a half years and we have many other issues (on verge of break up) but for whatever reason sex still rocks! That might be why we are still hanging in there, how sad is that. I think your guy might be feeling like he can't keep up with you, and that may be making him insecure (afraid of losing you). It's give and take you both really need to sit down and talk about it.

[Caterina]

I don't know if its shallow. Why get into a relationship if none of your needs are going to be met? I mean, its not just that he won't have sex with you...its also that he's making you feel

 

1) unhappy

2)unattractive

3) worrisome

4) dissatisfied

5) needy

 

Certainly you should talk about it. Good relationships definetly include communication.

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

ever consider that he just might feel too tired for sex sometimes? some people's sex drives are truly affected by their levels of tiredness.

[justpaisley]

Can you really not effectively communicate with him about this issue? If not, you've got a much bigger issue than his sex drive.

[Northalius]

When in a relationship, I never use the word "sex", because it just sounds so shallow and selfish. Like "I want sex!" ... Bleh. Instead, I much prefer "I want to please my lover, by making love to them!"

 

See, if you love the person, you'll want to please them more so than pleasing yourself. Not saying that pleasure for yourself is a bad thing, but when you're seeking it more than wanting to please your lover, then it might be a personal selfish issue that needs to be worked out.

 

Personally, I love giving much more than recieving, no matter how good it physically feels to me. But of course I truly appreciate her love for me by wanting to please me so much in return. However, when I see her in such pleasure, it pleases me emotionally, even beyond my own physical pleasure. If they express the same feelings to you, then you know it's going to work out in the long run.

 

You saying you want to punch him because he turns you down, shows you're just a bit selfish. You need to get your emotions under control, and discipline yourself. If you truly care for the person, then you'll discipline yourself to hold out until the time is right. Of course, this goes with your partner as well, depending on the situation. If they're tired from work, then discipline yourself through your love for that person, and try to understand it from their point of view.

 

-

 

Can you really not effectively communicate with him about this issue? If not, you've got a much bigger issue than his sex drive.

 

I agree with this.

[Confused_kelly]

The times I mention it unfortunately Ive done it just after it happened, and I can see how that is not the best time to do so.

 

I know I feel unhappy unatractive, but its not like he does it on purpose. The times we have talked about it he has reassured me how much he likes and desires me, but that I have to understand that there are times he just doesnt feel up to it and it has nothing to do with me. he expressed how he felt pressured when I continue to persuade him after he says no, he even told me once like he felt I center our relationship on sex and nothing more.

 

I know I have a lot to improve, not change , but improve. I have to stop acting childish about it and stop making the connection of not wanting sex with not wanting me. I just dont know how to do it.

 

About me pleasing him, believe me thats part of my pleasure too, I am really open to sex, he is a bit more reserved, wont even kiss me in front of family. I live to please him , it really make sme happy and he does this as well when he does want to have sex.

 

When I said I wanted to punch him I certainly didnt mean it, it wasnt meant to sound serious it was more of an exageration, but I can see how I need to control myself because I do get mad.

 

Just dont know how to do it, how to stop linking love with sex. Its like I associate my self worth with wether or not he'll have sex with me

[denisemarie]

I wish I had an answer for you other than communicate with eachother. He seems very reserved and you seem very outgoing you both are probably going to have to work on a comprimise if you want your relationship to work.

[veneratio]

It's a hard thing to do, to stop linking love with sex. My girlfriend and I had a great sex life up until a month or so ago. Now it's non existant cause of her religious views. It's a tough thing to deal with. I'm still having trouble with it.

 

I don't see anything wrong with you being frustrated about it though, I get the same way. As for controlling your anger, like I said, try doing whatever you can to get your mind off of your anger and frustration, otherwise it'll come out. Or atleast it did for me, not physically, but it definitely affected my mood, which affected our relationship.

 

And as denise said, you def. need to compromise for it to work.

 

Good luck to you.

[denisemarie]

It's a hard thing to do, to stop linking love with sex.

It is healthy for a man and a woman in a relationship to have both, so in a way they do go hand in hand. Without either component your eventually gonna have problems.

Now it's non existant cause of her religious views.

You must be talking about sex w/o marriage, which even given my circumstances I still think it is wrong (BTW I would gladly be married right now, if it were my choice), but you can't go from hot to cold in a relationship w/o some serious discussions going on.

[VeganBohemian]

It is simply that you have different desires. I don't think you should feel unwanted really...I know my boyfriend and I only have sex once or twice a week and it is fine with me, but I think he would like it more often.

[VeganBohemian]

Sorry to be blunt...but how can you do that if you don't live together (I don't know if you two do)? I know if I see my bf during the week, we are way too tired to think about sex. And since we see each other all weekend...twice seems like a lot.

[Confused_kelly]

We dont live together , but I think I was talking too son about yesterday. He did fell asleep but when he delivered, very nicely I might add, still that makes it 3 times this week, still not enough for me.