My story...any advice???

[Steelergal]

Hi everyone-

 

I've been reading posts on here for a few days now and have finally gotten my courage up to put myself out there with the hell I am going through. I will try to be as concise as possible...

 

My husband and I met in 1995 and dated for about 4 years before we got engaged. During the second year we were together, he cheated on me once and I went through hell. He realized he messed up, begged me to take him back, promised it would never happen again.....I caved and took him back. It was alot of work to rebuild the trust but we got through it and I felt we had a strong relationship. We got married in 2001 and built a pretty nice life together. I was very happy (I thought) and in love with him completely and looking forward to our future together. We were planning on starting a family after the new year....

 

In spring 2006, he started to act very mean towards me. We were getting ready to take our 5 year anniversary trip to Mexico in May so I figured he just needed some time to de-stress (work and grad school) and he would feel better. Once we got back from vacation, he really started treating me like crap. He said and did mean things to me, would lose his temper for no reason, and completely neglected me. I still thought this was due to external stressors and tried everything I could to make him happy again. I started doing all of the housework and yardwork so he wouldn't have to worry about it; I would make special dinners for him; I tried to plan 2 romantic weekend get-aways and he showed no interest in going; I came to bed in sexy lingerie (he ignored me); took him on a romantic picnic to the beach (he stayed for a bit and then left to play softball); I tried to get him to talk to me about what was bothering him; I bought him cards and left notes in his lunch; I had him go to counseling with me to get him to talk there (I have now found out that he lied in every session); and the list goes on. I tried everything I could to get him to snap out of it but his treatment of me got worse and worse. I became a basket case and I eventually got to my breaking point in August of telling him that I couldn't stay married to him if things didn't change.

 

OK...this is turning out to be longer than I thought and I apologize!

 

Aug/Sept were terrible as he was also traveling all of the time and would not even give me contact info (besides cell phone) and would barely talk to me when he was away or at home. I became so insecure that I started asking him if he was cheating on me or had feelings for someone else. Everytime I asked he would become furious with me and tell me that I was destroying our marriage because I didn't trust him and it was pushing him away.

 

On October 14th (while my parents were visiting us) he tells me that he doesn't think he wants to be married to me anymore and that I should move out for awhile while he takes some "time and space" to figure things out. I was completely devastated. I refused to leave and I wanted to work things out. He would not talk to me about anything and would become furious when I tried to talk about us. I did not know what to do or how things had gotten to this point. He then started staying in hotels since I would not leave the house. Finally on October 26th, some intuitive part of me tells me to look at the itemized cell phone bill and I find hours and hours of calls to the same number...usually right after he has cut me off on the phone after 5 minutes. I call the number and it is a girl that I was always suspicious of that he supervises at work. I confront him on the phone about it and he says that she is "just a friend" that he has developed a close bond with and didn't tell me because he knew I would think it was more than it was! He then tells me that he will not be coming back home and still doesn't know if he wants to be with me.

 

I was a complete wreck at this point. I felt so betrayed and hurt. This went on for weeks and he would see me sometimes but also be spending time with her. He was telling me and everyone else that it was my fault because I pushed him away by telling him that I could not stand the way he was treating me...and that's why he turned to another woman. He then calls me towards mid-November crying and saying that he ruined everything and he has broken our wedding vows and that I could never forgive him if he admitted that he's been sleeping with her. I told him that if he did not cut off the relationship with her, then I was leaving him. I said that I could give him his space but only if we worked on things and she was out of the picture. He refused. My heart completely broke in two at that point.

 

He wanted me to take a leave of absense from my job, go home to my parents until after the holidays, and then come back and he would let me know what he decided about me. He of course would still be seeing this girl in the meantime. When I asked him why he would not give her up....his response was that she was just "fun". By the way, she is only 24, recently separated, cheated on her husband multiple times (once with his best friend which resulted in a pregnancy...she had an abortion), and has been described by his co-workers as "white trash"...oh yeah and she has an 8 month old baby! He always talked about her and made fun of her in the past for what scum she was! So this is who he chose over me....

 

Well, I decided I had to preserve some shred of self-respect and I left him. He had also backed me into a corner financially and emotionally and I was at a point where I couldn't even function. I had an attorney and did everything to protect myself legally. He was enraged when I left. I got threatening texts, e-mails, and phone messages from him and his family...and the best was that his mom was telling ME how immoral I was when he was the one lying, cheating, and having the affair! And I believed both her and him that this was all my fault. I left my beautiful home, a city I adored, all of my friends, and a good job because of the situation he put me in. Not to mention that I lost the love of my life too.

 

I came home to my parents just before Thanksgiving and I have been an emotional wreck. I am having such a hard time dealing with everything. We are still communicating, mostly through e-mail because he will not talk to me on the phone. He always dangles the possibility of reconciliation and I am clinging to it. What I can't figure out (nor can my family and friends) is why I am even considering giving him another chance after everything he put me through (and still is). I don't even believe one thing that he says to me at this point. How could I ever trust him again? I am just so heartbroken and missing all of the good times. I don't understand what happened to him. It's like I never really knew him at all. There are so many other factors involved but this is way too long already!

 

Everyone insists that he is just manipulating me at this point and that I should cut off all communication with him except business (selling the house and getting him to sign the separation agreement). I just can't seem to let go though. I cling to any shred of hope that he gives me that we can get back what we had. One of the really scary parts though is that as I am opening up to family, friends, and counselor about the way he treated me even prior to this blow-up.....I am beginning to believe that I was emotionally abused for years. I'll write more on that later as it is still very difficult for me to accept that might be true.

 

So I guess for now I just needed to get all of that background out before I go into any other issues. Is there something wrong with me that I want to be back with this man? How does someone just change and do all of those awful things? It's like my head is telling me to run as far away as fast as I can...but my heart is telling me that we can be happy again and work things out. He says that he is not in a relationship with the other woman but I don't even think I can believe him! Why would he still keep me hanging on though???

 

OK...I really need to end this as it is way too long! If you stuck with it and read this whole thing, I just want to say THANK YOU for "listening"! It was just good to write everything out!

[Dako]

From your post, it's obvious he's increasingly treated you so poorly you've adapted to it. Few women would enter a relationship loaded with such problems. He seems to have done more than make a few mistakes of give in to tempation. In a word, he's abusive, and he's manipulating you with his demands and tantrums.

 

You mention financial concerns about ending this marriage, but the emotional price you're paying is huge. It couldn't hurt to seek counseling to find why you still want this "man" in your life.

 

If friends and family are telling you to face facts and cut him from your life, give it some thought.

He sounds like a selfish child to me.

[Siriana]

Well he is a master in manipulation.

And he has a tick skin. His demands were rediculous: he wanted YOU to move out, he wanted YOU to go to your parents for a while, come on - he was the one who was supposed to leave the house. The one who cheats is the one who goes out carrying his belongings in a single plastic bag!

 

Oh, I know such guys, I had a chance or two spending some time (yeah, I'm not proud of that) with such lausy creatures. But as soon I regonized what is lying under their smile they were history - and they still remember who they tried to manipulate.

 

You are making a mistake by hoping how you two could get back together. I am shure while he's giving you some false hopes, that he's having sex with someone else. Just let it go.

Don't contact him anymore. He managed to force you to leave the town, the friends, your house...I would even consider giving someone else to finish the legal business with him. Because I am shure he's trying to prolong this as much as he can.

So my advice is to comletely eliminate any contact, unless necessary (and if someone else can't do it instead of you). Right now you're in a war. And he's going to win if you continue acting that way.

[Ellie2006]

Dear Steelergal,

 

Welcome to Enotalone!

 

Although I am sorry to hear of the circumstances that have brought you here, I sincerely hope you find this site a welcoming place to vent and for friendship, consolation, and advice as many of us have.

 

I am glad to hear that you are surrounded by loving family and friends who are fully supporting you through this difficult phase of your life.

 

Also I think you're doing all that you can to cover all bases -- both legally and emotionally by consulting w/ a therapist and a lawyer.

 

I think it speaks volumes that despite years of his emotional abuse, you were strong enough to stand up to him and leave him! Please do not minimize the courage and the inner strength you have shown throughout this whole process!

 

I agree w/ what your loved ones have already pointed out; in my humble opinion, I do think it would be best to limit your contact to business and legal matters.

 

Please do not let him muddy up your heart and mind any longer.

 

Also, please don't be so down on yourself for clinging on to hope -- maybe I am reaching here (sorry if I am) but from my limited perspective, I think it's almost become a habitual (?) response from years of trying your best to make this relationship work?? I can see how it might be difficult to rapidly switch from "must save this relationship" mentality to "must let go of this relationship" mode.

 

One thing I am certain of is that with time will come clarity; so hang in there, don't be so hard on yourself, talk to friends (both online and offline), and most importantly, make sure you're taking care of yourself -- emotionally and physically.

 

Vent away, Steelergal!

We're here to listen and help in any way we can.

 

Sending best wishes and a big hug your way,

Ellie 1:

[radioheader]

wow...you are feeling a lot of pain/confusion...i was once in your shoes but not as a severe story. husband cheated with co-worker and he pretty much put me down and thought a lot of it was me...

 

hang in there and vent away! you are riding a roller coaster of emotions that will last a while for you as you work through all of this! there is a book called love must be tough by james dobson that is good if you are up for a read.

 

i do think that he is a master manipulator too! like an addictive personality (alocoholic,etc.) i think you will become an enabler to him if you continue with him...i'm sure that doesn't lessen the pain at all but i think he won't change...at least at this point.

 

take are of yourself and keep coming back for support when you need it...you don't deserve what he is doing to you...you deserve happiness...we all do!

[kermit]

His actions are classic and typical. Have an affair, blame the spouse, take off with the other woman, but keep your wife in limbo in case the other woman becomes boring.

 

Your posting is filled with comments about what he wants you to do. Move out, take a work leave, support yourself, etc. What about what you want to do?

 

The gory details are all on this website, and unfortunately I can confirm their accuracy.

 

link removed

[survivor3]

Hi! I am new to this board as well, and while I have my own mess on my hands, I can't help but completely relate to your entire post...

 

All I can tell you is that even if you two reconcile, it will NEVER get better. I wish I had listened to all of the people (family, friends, etc) who begged me to leave in the beginning...the FIRST time he brought me to my knees.

 

Unlike your situation, however, my husband would beg and plead for me to stay...and for three years I did. Now I am sitting here in an emotional mess because I didn't want to believe that it would not get better. He seemed sincere in his promises...and I WANTED them to be true. So I bought into them. ALL of them. The excuses, the lies, the rationalizations.

 

I have come to the conclusion that my mentality (as it stands right now) is identical to that of a battered woman. He never physically abused me, but the emotional havoc he has wreaked on my life has truly worn me down. The pattern never stopped.

 

Don't get me wrong...there were good times in between...but the undeniable future loomed. Somehow, just when I would begin to let my guard down, WHAM! He would do something else to completely undermine whatever progress had been made. And so...having lost all faith in my own decision-making, I stayed. Didn't trust my gut. Didn't trust my family. And the sad part is....I KNOW I was "that girl"!! The one that if you paused on the Montell show long enough to hear her cry you would want to shake her and tell her how much better she deserved.

 

I can't explain it. All I can tell you is that I have spent the past 3 years HOPING. Wanting so much for him to WANT to make things right (and to want them to stay right). The painful part is that you and I have put so much effort and emotion into the relationship that we feel it MUST be worth something to them and it's not. For whatever reason (and it is NOT you!!) they think that they are entitled to whatever they want, how they want, whenever they want, regardless of how it affects everyone else....

 

I am so sorry for you. Please know that you CAN find comfort on this board. Please continue posting. We will continue to listen and support and encourage!

 

HUGS!!

[Steelergal]

Thank you to all of you for your insights and your caring words. I am so glad I found this board as I have not been able to find anyone that can relate like you all did to what I am going through. I am so sorry for everyone's pain.

 

This is one of my favorites (from survivor3):

 

And the sad part is....I KNOW I was "that girl"!! The one that if you paused on the Montell show long enough to hear her cry you would want to shake her and tell her how much better she deserved.

 

That describes me perfectly!!! But yet I still can't let go of him and I still want it to work. Someone posed the question in their response to my post....."What do you want?" Well, what I want is to be back together with my husband and have a stronger and better marriage than we did. My father likes to tell me that is just a pipe dream though.

 

My husband and I chatted on-line last night and he really communicated with me about stuff (or manipulated me....I don't know anymore). He would like me to stay open to reconciliation and insists that he and the skank are just friends and that's all they ever were (or that just means that he is still not sure which one of us he wants so he's keeping his options open!) This is all so frustrating! He is going to counseling for himself and says he is trying to work through his issues so that we can work on ours together (if we both decide to do that). I think he is really messed up because he grew up with an alcoholic abusive father and it has affected the way he deals with life.

 

He does acknowledge his responsibility in messing up our marriage and says that he should have communicated with me but he was afraid to upset me. He said that in some perverse way he thought he was protecting me or saving me by pretending everything was OK and not telling me that he was unhappy in the marriage. Then he started dumping his problems on someone else (the skank) that he wouldn't have to worry about affecting. I don't know if that is all true or just more BS.

 

I ended up telling him that I couldn't do this anymore and I needed to move on but he said that he will still contact me to talk about our issues and that he hopes I will still keep my heart open. But what's the point if it is just going to be shattered again? Of course I didn't stick to my resolution of good-bye for good and e-mailed him a few times today. Sigh....

 

I just don't know how to tell when you are being stupid and naive and need to give up OR when you truly love the person and should stick by them and give things a try. I just miss him so much....and I still can't seem to get angry. I have to wonder how much of this is an effect of him emotionally abusing me (if that really did happen) and what is just me being in love.

 

Sorry if this seems like lots of rambling....just needed to get thoughts out again. Thanks again!!!

[survivor3]

steeler...I know exactly how you feel. It is a most difficult and emotional place to be.

 

I know how much you would like for things to work out (I would STILL love for my marriage to work!!), but there comes a point when self-preservation has to kick in and you have to cut your losses. You will never be able to trust him again. You will try. You might convince yourself that you can get there if you work on it. But the honest to God truth is that you will never forget what he has put you through. And you will never stop wondering when he will do it again.

 

Feel free to read my story...I actually posted initially on the R'ship conflict board, but didn't really get many responses. You'll see I have been on the same emotional rollercoaster....not knowing if it is worse to have contact with him or not. Not knowing if it is worse to think he doesn't care at all or have him bawling his eyes out in the livingroom.

 

What it really boils down to is that he is selfish. I am a giver. And I gave this marriage my all...just like you. It hurts that despite all I have done, tried, and loved, it just doesn't mean anything to him. But you know what?? I know I have done all I can! I can't make him WANT to be faithful, honest, committed, etc. Lord knows, if I could, we would have the strongest marriage known to man. It's just not going to happen.

 

I will be an AWESOME wife to someone one day. I wish it could be with him, but he has done too much damage. YOU will be an AWESOME wife to someone one day. Someone who will appreciate you for the incredibly strong, intelligent, beautiful woman you are!!

 

Surround yourself with friends and family. Form a buddy-system if you must...if you feel like contacting him, call/email THEM instead. FIRST. Sometimes it is not so much needing to have contact with him, but just needing to feel like your thoughts, emotions, and feelings are being heard and valued. I truly hate to be the one to say this to you, but someone needs to. And since I have been there, and AM there, I will be as gentle as possible:

 

He will get away with whatever you allow him to. Right now he has the best of both worlds. He has you pining over him...a safety net, if you will. If things with skank go south...he knows he has you to fall back on. In the meantime, he doesn't really care that you are hurting. I read the things he said to you...(i.e., he was trying to protect you). How NICE of him!! What a way to PROTECT the woman he "loves"....have an affair!! Tell him not to do you any favors any more! He is manipulating you, honey. And it is working. I know because I have HEARD this!! (Oh, I use drugs/porn/communicate with other women because it's an outlet....didnt want to put more on you....whatever). So your husband wanted an outlet?? Great! Get a hobby!! Learn a new sport!

 

Honey, if he wanted to talk to someone other than you about his problems, he should have gone to a therapist. There is no excuse for his behavior, girl!! NONE! So don't let him convince you that he is a martyr and you are wrong. You hold your head up!! STOP thinking about the good times and remind yourself of the ugliness. There will be time for reminiscing once you have healed. I am not saying that your entire marriage was crap, but even a rotten egg has a heart of gold!!

 

Dont let him keep you in limbo. He's held you there long enough. And if it helps, tell yourself that by cutting off contact and filing for divorce, you are earning his respect back. Dont TELL him that. SHOW him. How can he respect you if you are allowing him to treat you this way?? Not only that, you are eating it up. Not because you are weak, not because you are "that girl", not because there is something wrong with you. Because you are scared to let go. But I am here to tell you....he is already gone, sweetie. He is sharing his bed with another woman. Like me, you love an IDEA of him. You love the POTENTIAL that is there. And I am sure he could be a wonderful man. But he doesn't want to. And even if you don't yet....I want better for you!!

 

Hang in there!! Keep posting!!!

 

HUGS

[mike_chppr]

I second survivor3's post.

 

[by] filing for divorce, you ... [will regain EVERYONE'S respect back (your family, his family, your friends, everyone), most importantly your own self dignity and respect]. Dont TELL him that. SHOW him. How can he respect you if you are allowing him to treat you this way?

 

[You have to do this for YOU, to erase the anxiety and doubt for the future, to actualize your own self-worth, to feel alive/emboldened/in control]

 

But doing all these things for YOU, recognize that you aren't leaving for him and to earn his respect.

YOU are leaving, because he violated you, he put your life at risk, by sleeping around with the skank, he exposed your body to an enormous array of sexual diseases, infections, and disorders. He effectively shared the skank with you. He made the choice of your safety without informing you whatsoever. You have no idea of the duration or if the skank is the only one.

 

He has wontonly threw around your emotions and your respect like garbage that keeps landing back on his porch.

 

Take some time, internalize how he could have ended your life, they don't refer to her as a skank for nothing! Make an appointment with a doctor to be checked for STDs. Feel the fear in going to this appointment, even if you don't think you have anything, go get checked! I'm not saying this to scare you, or to make you feel any more pain than you already do. I'm telling you this so that you can have a reference of how he has put your life and personal physical safety in his hands. This will make those tempting calls and dreams of the future less likely.

 

Grieve your loss. This process isn't short. Denial, (you can deny what he did and how he put your life at risk), Anger, (you can be angry if not rageful at him), Ambivalence, (why me... blaming yourself entirely... this isn't happening), Acceptance, (knowing what you need to do for you). You are experiencing a loss. A loss of your expectation on your future lives together. A loss of the trust that you thought you had, a loss of self respect. Infidelity is inconceivably cruel, demeaning, and damaging, internalize it, feel the pain, agony and grief. Internalize the root cause and maximize positive future experiences for YOU. YOU have to live with YOU until the last day! There is a certain amount of communication that has to happen to dissolve a relationship. I recommend going to separation/divorce counseling together, if not you going to counseling by yourself, I think you might be doing that already, but I've read so many posts I can't remember who is and who isn't unless it is the last post I read.

 

OK, I basically wanted to say I concur with survivor3's post.

 

Go pamper yourself... you deserve it.

 

Mike_chppr

[Steelergal]

Hello everyone and thanks for all of the advice. You are all so wise....everyone was exactly right about my husband and what he was doing to me. So here's the update....

 

My husband started e-mailing me and discussing the possibilities of reconciliation. As pathetic as I am, I entertained the idea and e-mailed and chatted with him on-line about it. BUT he would only communicate with me when he was out of town on business. (I am staying at my parents in a different state.) He claimed that he didn't have Internet access at our home and he wouldn't give me his cell phone number. (Red flags I know but I really am that manipulated by him!)

 

I repeatedly asked him questions about his involvement with the skank and he kept telling me that she was just a friend that he liked to spend time with, nothing physical had ever happened, and he had no feelings for her. He said that I had blown the whole thing out of proportion. I ALMOST started to believe him.

 

Last Friday afternoon, he talked to me on the phone on his way home from his business trip and was saying all of that stuff again. Telling me that I should move back and we could live separately but take things slow and start over again...make a new start together. Again, he reassured me that he was very lonely and missing me and was not seeing the skank.

 

Not even an hour after our phone call, the Private Investigator I hired calls me to tell me that they followed him to her apartment where he let himself in with a key, dropped his luggage off, and then met her in the parking lot with a very long passionate kiss!!! And it's all on film!!! Boy did I finally hit my anger at that point. I called her cell phone and left messages, sent messages to their my space pages, sent nasty e-mails to him, and sent a message to her husband.

 

I almost let him sucker me in again!!! I was so ashamed of myself. I refused to listen to my family, friends, and even people on this forum and I kept believing that he was a good person that messed up and I should give him another chance. Boy am I stupid!!! Her husband and I finally talked on the phone and compared notes and I am in shock over everything that he was/is doing. I feel like I am getting stabbed in the heart over and over.

 

He is living with her, they are inseparable, they are having sex, they spent the holidays away at her parents (he told me he was all alone at our house and missing me), and he is taking care of her baby---dropping her off at child care, etc. Oh my gosh...it hurts sooooooooo bad.

 

How could he do this to me? When he finally e-mailed me today, he didn't even apologize or show any remorse. Just kept threatening me about the terms of the separation agreement and taking the dog, etc. My therapist seriously thinks he is deeply psychologically disturbed and was trying to lead a double life....kind of like a Scott Peterson. She said that he is beyond help and that I should be glad he is out of my life for good now.

 

I just can't equate this man to the one I spent the last decade with. What happened to him? I am doubting that he ever even truly loved me at this point. How can anyone be so hurtful and mean? In his e-mail, he is still blaming me for everything and I have finally stopped blaming myself because I really didn't do anything except try to be a good wife to him and have a mature marriage.

 

How do you get over something like this? How do you let go of the person after loving them so long and sharing so much together? I am nauseated at the thought of him having sex with another woman! They are both still married for God's sake!

 

I now accept that we are completely over, but what happens from here? I am so deeply hurt....

 

I'll write more later but just wanted to fill everyone in.

[mike_chppr]

A psychologist can write a letter perscribing your dog as an "emotional support animal" to help cope with depression and anxiety and coping with your husbands infidelity. Your video from the PI holds enormous power. You have the upper hand here, you can ask for mediation, or you can go the attourny route. I don't necessarily recommend the courts, but with video of infidelity you hold tremendous power. It is hurtful, but you are the one calling the shots here.

 

Take care of yourself, self reflect... go through the grieving process and mourn the future that you had together and the soulmate that you thought he was for you. It is a loss and you will feel depressed, but embrace these emotions and that will assist you in getting through.

 

Take Care,

mike_chppr

[Jeff777]

Get all the support you can now. Reach out when you can and self-reflect as well (Separation and Divorce is like open-heart surgery) as mike said.

 

I wouldn't take it TOO personal (easy for me to say but then again my wife left me for my brother) cause this guy does have his problems with treating people with decency and respect. And yes... allow for the grief process....

[Steelergal]

Thanks Mike for your advice.

 

I just don't see how I am going to get through this. My counselor keeps saying it is for the best if this is the kind of sick person he is but I am having a very hard time seeing that.

 

What kind of power do I have with having proof on video? Why do you say I have the upper hand?

[Steelergal]

Jeff..

 

Thanks for your insight too. I can't imagine the pain you went through with such a betrayal with your wife AND your brother.

 

You pointed out something very true. My husband has always had a problem treating people with decency and respect. It has just become out of control this past year, especially with me.

 

I just can't seem to accept that this has actually happened to me. I can't believe he has turned into this type of person. I feel like my heart will never mend and that I will never get over him. The worst thing is that I feel like he could care less about me or our relationship. It really really hurts.

[Jeff777]

I just can't seem to accept that this has actually happened to me. I can't believe he has turned into this type of person. I feel like my heart will never mend and that I will never get over him. The worst thing is that I feel like he could care less about me or our relationship. It really really hurts.

 

It is weird, strange, unreal, etc. - when someone you've been with CHANGES and that change puts you on the OUTS. Once they were ALIGNED with you and now it seems as if they treat you as the ENEMY. Once they would protect you - but now it seems sooooo easy just to lie, lie, lie - and not give you the time of day.

 

But - (I have my issues this I know) in many cases (even though they swear its all YOUR fault (yeah!)) this person is emotionally/psychologically messed up. They throw the GUILT - and guess what? - YOU CATCH IT!

 

Time to step back and get an OBJECTIVE look at your situation.

 

M

[BeStrongBeHappy]

When you have a videotape of infidelity, it can give you leverage in a divorce, depending on the state you reside in... Judges are less inclined to be sympathetic to adulterers, and depending on the state laws, can favor the innocent party in the divorce in terms of giving them a larger property settlement, custody, etc. You ex could be aware of this, and trying to manipulate you to try to avoid getting hit with an adultery charge in a divorce, and to get the upper hand in a divorce...

 

he seems to have encouraged you to leave the house, leave first, etc., which means he could attempt to file and claim desertion on your part, trying to make you look at fault for the divorce, hence trying to ensure he looks better in the divorce, not like a cheater.

 

a thought, though, is there any possibility that he might have fathered the child with this other woman? you say he began to withdraw from the marriage emotionally last spring, and this child is 8 months old, are you sure the affair didn't start much earlier, and he started to withdraw from the marriage when she announced her pregnancy with his child??...

 

it is possible that he intended to just have a fling, and when she became pregnant, everything turned more serious... so he might have been trying to keep TWO women pacified, you because you could take more than half the assets in a divorce, and the other woman because she could sue him for child support if he displeased her... and i imagine if she was pregnant with his child, she would place more demands on him, demand he leave his wife, spend more time with her and the child, be present for the birth etc. he seemed to go incognito there a lot during the time when she would have been pregnant and since the baby was born...

 

just a thought, but i know someone who this happened to, and it is more common than people think for married men to impregnate their lovers...

 

regarding why he might have pushed for you to move back, most people don't realize, but in a divorce/separation, if the couple separates, and then they have sex together again even once (or have been in a 'compromising' situation where either spouse can claim they did) before the divorce is finalized, the spouse who cheated can claim that the adultery grounds wer 'invalidated' because the innocent spouse knows about the adultery, and 'condones' it by sleeping with their spouse again after they have knowledge of the affair...

 

so the separation/marriage 'clock' can start over, and the original grounds for divorce (adultery) can be invalidated and the separation period requirements for that particular state start all over again. he can then also contest the charge of adultery as the reason for the breakup, because you 'reconciled' and 'condoned' it after you were aware of the adultery, even if only for one night... if you then leave him again at that point (or he forces you out), he can claim YOUR desertion of HIM as the grounds for the divorce, and you can no longer claim adultery on his part.

 

so his attempt to lure you back could be the act of someone who is deeply disturbed, or else an attempt to gain leverage in the divorce, and invalidate any potential grounds you may have to declare adultery on his part... if you filed in a state where there is 'equitable' distribution of property, the judge can decide either party deserves part, more, or all of the marital property, if the judge is convinced there was sufficient wrongdoing on the part of the 'guilty' spouse.

 

if it were me, i'd have that private investigator dig deeper to determine the paternity of that child... and PLEASE don't fall for his attempts to lure you back into bed and his life... he may have ulterior motives, i.e., trying to gain leverage in the divorce, and may have fathered that child and be covering that up too because you can take him to the cleaners in the divorce if that can be proved, and SHE can take him to the cleaners for child support etc. if he displeases her...

 

and if HER husband believes that child is HIS (and not your ex's child), then his ex can get child support from her ex husband, which would give both the skank and your ex more monthly income if both divorce and the skank gets child support money from her ex in a divorce. but if the skank's husband can prove that your ex fathered that child during his marriage to the skank, then he would not have to pay child support for that child, and that husband could also make out much better in his own property settlement during his divorce. PLUS your ex would be the one on the hook for child support should he ever break up with the skank... so there could be LOTS of reasons for all this manipulation, of both you and the skank's husband, if your husband is the one who really fathered the skank's child.

 

the woman i know that this scenario happened to ended up getting both a stiff alimony payment for life from her cheating husband, AND large child support, becuase her husband was proved to be a liar and had also fathered a child while married to someone else, which judges don't take kindly too in a lot of states... but i'd consult your attorney to see if any of this applies in your own state... some states are 'no fault' divorces, and others give a lot more financial leverage to the innocent party in the divorce.

 

good luck, you are well rid of him... once your heart catches up to your head and the evidence of his wrongdoing really sinks in, and the divorce is over, you will ask yourself, why did i even waste so much time feeling bad about breakup up with this loser jerk...

[kermit]

A well written and well thought out post by BeStrong. Couldn't agree more.

[radioheader]

yes...i agree with bestrong...i am so glad you are going to move past this horrible controlling person! i know it is going to be a tough road to travel for the short term but just think about the rest of your life you have ahead of you to live in peace....and i know you will eventually find someone you deserve! stay strong and take it a day at a time...

[Steelergal]

WOW...that was a lot to think about and process. Thanks for all of the insight. I have contacted the skank's husband about the issue of paternity and he is planning on getting a paternity test done. We both agree that nothing would surprise us from these two scumbags at this point.

 

I met with my attorney yesterday and we are going to use the adultery evidence as leverage with the separation agreement or force it to court where he would surely lose. Although....yes he is STILL blaming me for the whole thing. And I am really starting to believe that I didn't do anything wrong. He is the one who made all of the screwed-up immoral decisions that made our lives a mess. But he just keeps throwing the guilt on me....well I am not going to catch it anymore!

 

I am afraid that I will never be able to move past this. Every day I wake up and think that this was all a nightmare and we are still together....but, nope, it is all real. I never thought that emotional pain this intense and horrible existed. I do have small glimpses of hatred between my sadness every so often now. Maybe that is progress??? But then I think of them sleeping in the same bed together and snuggling and I break down into tears all over again. This is sooooooo awful and unfair. I gave everything I had to him and our marriage....

 

Thanks for all of the support!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I hope you are doing better today, but it is really a grieving process to lose a spouse for any reason, so you have to go through all the stages, disbelief, shock, anger etc., until you finally get to acceptance and happiness to move on again... so be kind to yourself and recognize this will take a while, like healing a broken bone, so you have to work through all your feelings...

 

second, try to focus on not your good memories or jealousy, but the recognition that the man you thought you loved is not the man he really is... you may miss the snuggling etc. but you are were snuggling with a viper, not a teddy bear! or should i say, a viper hidden in a teddy bear...

 

so if you are imagining cozy bedroom scenes between them, also imagine the reality, immediately remind yourself of all the lies and betrayals he did to you... this is NOT a man you should ever trust in your bed, and let her have him, he will be telling her pretty lies within a year or two, and snuggling in some other woman's bed while lying to the skank about it, guaranteed!

[generalelectric]

Hi Steelergal! Since we are both in similar situations I though I'd check up on you. Yes, I know that emotional rollercoaster. I am just in this myself and, but here's what helpful people tell me....

 

First-It is NOT you who is the problem. Your husband (and mine too) obviously suffer from serious psychological issues. Don't be jealous of this otehr woman because his relationship with her is bound for failure. A normal life just won't happen with someone that screwed up, so goodbye and good riddance, let her nightmare with him begin.

 

Second of all, YOU are worth more! There is definitely a special life awaiting you and maybe this is just the time when you will think, reflect, and rebuild your self-esteem so you can enjoy that life that awaits you!

 

Third- if you believe that you are meant to be in a woderful relationship with an honest man-then someday that is exactly what you will have. You just need to be patient and continue to feel your emotions so you can eventually move through them. And remember- when you feel like crying or dying or like life just isn't fair-this is only TEMPORARY. Feelings pass. After we get to our lowest of lowest points we rise...

[sadone4]

There is nothing wrong with you sweetheart i wished right now i could give you a hug because your story is so much like mine and what i am going through right now. I dont have advice to give you because after all mine has done to me i still cling to any hope and having to great kids that love him and dont understand makes it even worse but i can tell you that you are not alone and that none of this is your fault. Wished we could go out for coffee and talk would be so nice to have someone cloes that understands what your going through, my heart is breaking for you too i am so sorry

[DoorMouse]

My dear, I too have been though a situation close to yours. I realized that after all my crying, praying and self-abuse, I still had nothing. After time I realized, I had more than I thought I did. I had my pride, my dignity, and my own self respect. Don't sell yourself short, take a deep breath, release it, and continue on with life. Things will sort out with time, but don't allow yourself to be emotionally abused, you DO deserve better. I know it's probably not very comforting at this point, but there IS in fact someone else out there that will love you, adore you and treat you like the Goddess you are. Karma will come back and bite him in the butt.

Good Luck honey.