How to tell when a "nice guy" likes you?

[jujubes]

I met this really sweet guy a while back, and I can't figure out if he likes me as more than a friend, or if he's just very nice.

 

He's a real gentleman, but also has low confidence with women because of his past. I'm trying to figure out if he's interested, because if he is, I know I'll have to make the first move. This is what I have to go on so far:

 

-Last month, we were talking about music and I mentioned I hadn't heard some albums he was talking about. It was just a 5-minute conversation and then we started discussing other stuff. Then last week, he burned me a copy every single CD I'd said I hadn't heard....I couldn't believe he remembered. I'd almost forgotten we even had the conversation. Much less the specific albums we talked about.

 

-Almost very time we hang out, it is just me and him, no one else. We have gone to movies together, gone stargazing, gone on long car rides to random places... etc. If we go out to eat, he offers to pay. But neither of us calls these "dates."

 

-I invited him on a bike ride with me, and he wanted to come despite having a horrible stomach ache. I told him he didn't have to come along if he was so sick, but he said he really wanted to. He was pretty miserable the whole time with stomach cramps but stuck with me the whole time. Then, a similar thing happened another time I invited him on a walk- he came with me despite being very ill. I don't know what to make of this- seems like he's making a big effort to see me even if he should really be resting at home? Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

 

-A few times after we've hung out, he has said, "Wow, I haven't had that much fun in a long time" or "That was a blast" etc...even if we didn't do anything exciting.

 

-He playfully teases me a lot

 

-When we are sitting down, I have inched closer and closer to him, to see how close I can get before he moves away. We've ended up with our shoulders touching and he seems perfectly comfortable. (I don't think this is just because we are good friends, because I tried this the very first time we met too, and the same thing happened)

 

-If I ever talk about other guys, he points out things wrong with them, and says that I deserve better.

 

However....he has made no moves at this point, so I wonder if he just wants to be friends. After we hang out and he takes me home, he seems in a hurry to get away and his goodbyes are very short ("That was fun, let's do it again sometime, bye"). Even though I like him romantically, I also love being his friend and don't want to screw anything up by revealing my feelings before I'm sure of his.

 

Any comments/advice would be soooo appreciated. Thanks!!

[LostInMyThoughts]

I'm trying to figure out if he's interested, because if he is, I know I'll have to make the first move.

 

and

 

 

However....he has made no moves at this point

 

So, if you know you'll have to make the first move, and he hasn't made the first move, is that really a surprise?

 

It also sounds like he does like you. Ask him out.

[jujubes]

One more thing, in case it matters- he has only had one girlfriend in his life, and it was very short term because he moved away. He told me a few times that he is "clueless with what to do about women" and that he can't fathom anyone ever being interested in him (he has low self esteem). He said once, "It baffles me that you even want to talk to me."

 

I don't know if that matters, just thought I'd add it....thanks.

[jujubes]

and

So, if you know you'll have to make the first move, and he hasn't made the first move, is that really a surprise?

 

Thanks for the reply. I am just hesitant to make the first move because I don't want to misread him, and ruin an awesome friendship. But it looks like I'll have to take that chance if i want anything to happen.

[DN]

He told me a few times that he is "clueless with what to do about women" and that he can't fathom anyone ever being interested in him (he has low self esteem). He said once, "It baffles me that you even want to talk to me."

 

This is 'shyguy' code for "I want to ask you out but I am way too scared - so please, please, please ask me out instead!!".

 

Ask him out.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Thanks for the reply. I am just hesitant to make the first move because I don't want to misread him, and ruin an awesome friendship. But it looks like I'll have to take that chance if i want anything to happen.

 

That's understandable.

 

I think if you do misread him and he's not interested, it wouldn't ruin your friendship. Not if it's as strong as you writen about. He'll probably feel flattered (maybe even give him a little confidence boost), you might feel embarrassed (though you really shouldn't cuz you followed your heart and that's never wrong), and it might be awkward for a few days, but things will go back to normal, and you two will probably look back and laugh about it.

 

But.

 

If you read him right, you have the opportunity to take your relationship to a whole new level.

 

Seems like a win-win situation.

[Batya33]

It sounds like he is very interested but I would be wary of getting involved because of his insecurities and low self esteem. Think about how you are going to feel hearing from him over and over again "I am not worthy of you" "I cannot believe you even want to spend time with me" and him doing things for you out of a sense of wanting your approval rather from a sense of confidence and wanting to do things because he knows he is worthy and thinks you are worthy of his attentions. Now, you might like to have a puppy dog who will ask you how high he should jump and who is self-deprecating on a steady basis.

 

Most people I know would find that a turn off (I would - particularly in a romantic relationship). Obviously no one is supremely confident all of the time but it sounds to me like he needs a therapist more than he needs a girlfriend. Right now it seems sweet and you want to take care of him and enjoy his attentions but realize that it is coming from a place of insecurity and that can quickly turn controlling, needy, annoying - anything but "nice."

[Day_Walker]

stop wondering and trying to figure it out and just ask him out.

[Nightshade]

Very "nicely" put, Batya33. Frankly, if any guy commented, "It baffles me that you even want to talk to me," I would feel insulted that he is questioning my intelligence because I bother to hang out with someone who considers himself such a bum and such.

[MacGyverRI]

He may be afraid to lose the friendship if "he" asks you out since most women get weird and tend to break off the friendship.

 

As the others said, ask him out or even better yet when he takes you out to eat, say thanks and lay a really good kiss on him!

[Budman]

hey mac long time no see.

 

Wassabi!~

 

Anyway,

 

All those things SHOUT (I LOVE YOU!) ok, maybe not love but definitely like.

 

Let's see

 

Remember to burn albums (make those 12 albums or whatever 12 roses (flowers aww) First off not only is it better than flowers because one: he had to listen, work for it, and then remember it all.

 

Every part of that screams he likes you Especially!!! the part about him being in complete pain to go with you.

 

If I liked a girl as a friend I'd say, "Hey, I'm not feeling very well, I'll have to take it up with you later." but he wants more so he will always spend time with you. It's basically to the philosophy once a man gets into sex, he could literally be mauled by a lion and say, "Just a few more minutes!!!"

 

Anyway, he likey you, you must ask him out.

 

Or Or, better yet Just kiss him!

[MacGyverRI]

"hey mac long time no see."

 

I've been on, you haven't!

 

 

She just needs to kiss him to let him know it's ok to ask her out, he's afraid of the friends thing maybe going bad if he makes the 1st move.

[jujubes]

Thanks everyone...

 

Would it really be OK to kiss him out of the blue? I really would love to do that, but it seems kind of risky if it turns out he just likes me as a friend.

 

What if I try to see him on New Year's Eve and plant one on him at midnight?

[Budman]

Thanks everyone...

 

Would it really be OK to kiss him out of the blue? I really would love to do that, but it seems kind of risky if it turns out he just likes me as a friend.

 

What if I try to see him on New Year's Eve and plant one on him at midnight?

 

Of course it'd be risky =D Whats the fun if its not.

 

You want that spark like a romantic movie! Well that kinda crap takes risks!

 

Aye mac you are so right lol, been busy with my own affairs =D

 

Some for the worse some for the better

[Batya33]

Thanks everyone...

 

Would it really be OK to kiss him out of the blue? I really would love to do that, but it seems kind of risky if it turns out he just likes me as a friend.

 

What if I try to see him on New Year's Eve and plant one on him at midnight?

 

You could - but remember you are going to have to be confident enough for the two of you - is that something you want in a relationship?

[MacGyverRI]

What if I try to see him on New Year's Eve and plant one on him at midnight?

 

that would be very safe (good excuse) and a perfect time.

[insofar]

Hehe, sounds good. By the first mention of him burning every CD you hadn't heard I was 95% sure he was into you. People can be nice but that goes beyond. Worth the risk, and people CAN be shy without being clingy, controlling, etc. Tell us how it goes

[Northalius]

The burning CDs was a hint, but when he sacrificed his own physical health / pain to go out with you (and not on just one occasion, but more)? That is an obvious sign he likes you a lot!

 

About the low self-esteem: You should maybe look into it online, and see what it's all about. You'll learn details about it, and maybe understand where he's coming from when he makes comments like "I'm surprised you're even talking to me!", etc.

 

Then ask yourself if you do like him enough to deal with this low self-esteem of his on a constant basis, and help him boost his confidence in the long run. Remember, it doesn't just disappear over night. It'll take a while, if it's as bad as I'm thinking it is!

 

Most likely it is from his childhood; kids will nitpick things about other kids, and blow them up to heights where they do not deserve to be; but, they don't care, as long as they're having fun playing around with them... sadly.

 

If you get to really know him, and feel comfortable enough, then try to suggest that he go to see a counselor about it, also.

[Batya33]

I don't think it is the job of a boyfriend or a girlfriend to boost the others' self-confidence unless the significant other wants to play the role of therapist or parent. In any event, it is typically unproductive unless the person with low self esteem wants to change and if so he/she will do it on his/her own.

[MacGyverRI]

"I don't think it is the job of a boyfriend or a girlfriend to boost the others' self-confidence"

 

That will happen by itself, most guys go into macho mode when dating someone.

 

there is also nothing about age here and I'm guessing both are very young, probably H.S. or close to it.

[DN]

I don't think it is the job of a boyfriend or a girlfriend to boost the others' self-confidence unless the significant other wants to play the role of therapist or parent. In any event, it is typically unproductive unless the person with low self esteem wants to change and if so he/she will do it on his/her own.

Many people go through phases of their life when for whatever reason, they lack self-confidence. It is exactly the job of a partner to help their partner through those times just as it would be to help them if they broke their leg. In this case, the fact that the OP may be willing to start a relationship with this guy may be the precise boost to his self-esteem that he needs.

 

Relationships are all about helping each other - not just through the good times but the not so good as well.

 

There are few, if any, perfect people.

[jujubes]

To answer some questions- I am 20 and he is 21. He was abused by his father as a child, which is why he has low self-esteem. He has actually come a very long way since then and is more confident now than before, but still has a lot of wounds to lick. The comment about being baffled that I want to talk to him came during a very personal conversation, and I had no idea he had such low self-esteem until he told me directly.....he does a good job of hiding it. He actually seems very confident most of the time.

 

I didn't get a chance to see him on New Years Eve but I might see him later tonight. I will give an update then. Also, a few days ago, I mentioned that my hands were cold and he held them for a few minutes to try to warm them up. I take that as a good sign.

[Batya33]

My point is that when it comes to self-esteem the support of a partner can be helpful - very helpful! - but only if the person involved wants to boost his self esteem. A woman agreeing to go on a date with him might be a short term/superficial boost but only if he has made the decision to work on his self-esteem issues will it have a lasting effect. If a person breaks his leg, typically he wants it to heal and his partner can be there to help with the healing process. It sounds like this person has no interest in working on his self-esteem - he's basically told her to stay away by expressing surprise that she even wanted to talk to him.

 

I am not sure what you meant by no one is perfect - if you meant to imply that I believe only perfect people can be in a relationship that is not my point at all. I do not believe that people who have serious self-esteem issues or other mental or emotional issues that affect their ability to be in a relationship and they themselves are not interested in working on the issue are good candidates for a healthy, stable relationship. Rather, they should first be motivated to establish a healthy, relationship with themselves and then find a partner who wants to be supportive and join them on their self-initiated journey to self esteem. Anything else is a romantic relationship based too much on one sided need and dependence on the other person constantly reassuring his or her partner that she or he is worthy where that person has no interest in changing.

 

People do go through different phases - in certain phases they are not available for a healthy relationship and in others, they are. If she wants to take this on as her "project" that's great but it should not be with the expectation that he is available for a healthy relationship. Rather, she should look at it as analogous to a therapist-patient relationship with the significant risk that when he is "cured" - if he is cured - he will be chomping at the bit to try out his newly won self-esteem with other women (same goes for women-men).

[MacGyverRI]

 

I am not sure what you meant by no one is perfect - if you meant to imply that I believe only perfect people can be in a relationship that is not my point at all.

 

 

People do go through different phases - in certain phases they are not available for a healthy relationship and in others, they are. If she wants to take this on as her "project" that's great but it should not be with the expectation that he is available for a healthy relationship.

 

Everyone has faults, being shy due to an abusive parent can be overcome easily when in the real world. If he's out of the house it will be even easier.

 

 

"I" don't think this will be a project, he just needs a signal to move ahead and that's stemming from the parents abuse. People tend to balance ea. other out in a relationship, it should work out well. I'm probably the most Alpha male type you would ever meet but can also have my shy times.

[Batya33]

Everyone has faults, being shy due to an abusive parent can be overcome easily when in the real world. If he's out of the house it will be even easier.

 

 

"I" don't think this will be a project, he just needs a signal to move ahead and that's stemming from the parents abuse. People tend to balance ea. other out in a relationship, it should work out well. I'm probably the most Alpha male type you would ever meet but can also have my shy times.

 

I agree and simply noted the risks. I would not want to take on the project of dating someone who told me from the get go that he could not even believe I was talking to him, and all the other comments. In my life and with my life style I need a reasonably confident man by my side. I do know of women who love to take on these types of "projects" and control their men and have that sort of leverage as in "look at all I've done for you" - in my view those are not healthy relationships but they are "relationships" for sure.