She Needs Space

[hailtothevictors]

Hey, I posted my story here once before, but I made it reallllly long and only one person responded, so I will shorten it up and hopefully get some words of advice.

 

My g/f of 2.5 years broke up with me at the beginning of the month. We are sophomores in college and had been dating since prom our junior year of high school - we were each other's first everything.

 

We ran into some tough times in college: she drinks and I don't, so that caused some friction in our relationship. At one point during our freshman year she said she felt like the "spark" was missing sometimes but wanted to work on it. We refocused our attentions on our relationship and the results were immediate. The end of our freshman year and this past summer were amazing: we were madly in love.

 

This year both of us have been incredibly stressed with school and work and our relationship suffered. We were always there for each other and always caring, but the only times we saw each other were eating and studying - not a lot of chance for romance.

 

At the beginning of the month I went out of town for the weekend, she went to a party and got incredibly drunk and ended up making out with a guy on my floor. When I got back she immediately told me the entire story, bawling and apologizing profusely. After a day or two, I thought about it and was willing to forgive her and try again, but she said she feels like right now I am her best friend, but not a boyfriend. She said she needs space to figure out what she wants. Apparently she has been feeling this way for a few weeks, but was afraid to tell me because she was scared that I would never want to see her again. She said she loves me and I am her best friend, but she doesn't know if she wants a relationship right now.

 

The last three weeks have been hell - I truly love this girl with all my heart and we had talked about being together forever. We live in the same building so NC has been difficult, but I have gone two weeks without contacting her - I want to respect her wishes. She has IMed, texted, or called me usually every day and I usually respond, keeping things short and polite.

 

I guess I just needed to tell someone about all this and get some words of wisdom. I know I shouldn't hope for her to come back, but in my heart I can't accept that the wonderful, amazing, love that we shared for over two years can disappear because of a few stressful weeks.

[jusified]

it might be best if you guys take some time apart (Which includes no text, IMs and calls etc).

 

You should try and see whatyou want in a relationship and if she can still be that person for you after all thats happened, then take some times to improve yourself.

[ladyeve]

it might be best if you guys take some time apart (Which includes no text, IMs and calls etc).

 

You should try and see whatyou want in a relationship and if she can still be that person for you after all thats happened, then take some times to improve yourself.

 

Really good advice! It might be hard to carry out but you need to tell her to stop contacting you for a while and be firm about it. That way, she'll have some time to think about what happened to your relationship as well. Sounds to me that both of you have some growing up to do - hey, nothing wrong with that, you're still in college!

 

Also, how big is your social circle? Do you have any female friends? I think it might be a good idea to start getting to know other girls - beautiful, smart, interesting girls from other parts of the country and the world even. You know you are surrounded by them where you are! Good luck, and go blue

[hailtothevictors]

Just a quick update:

 

On Saturday, we had our little Christmas together (this date was planned before the breakup and we decided we still wanted to do it). I expected it to be a simple gift exchange and then part ways. Instead, she called me and asked if I wanted to go to a movie beforehand and then come back to my house and open gifts. I agreed and we went to the movie and had a good time, came back to my house and talked for a few hours (no relationship talk).

 

After opening our gifts and talking some more, the talk shifted to our relationship. I felt like there were still things I needed to get off my chest before I could really start to move on, so I layed it all out. That I love her, what I think went wrong, how I think we can fix it. I told her this was the last time I was ever going to bring it up, I just wanted her to know where I stood.

 

She told me the last few weeks have been really difficult, and she had been taking for granted always having me there for everything. However, she said that she thinks this is what she wants at this point and she doesn't know when or if that will change. I asked if she thought there was any chance we would ever be together again and she said "Honey, I don't know right now."

 

I accepted her decision and told her that right now I couldn't be friends with her because it's too hard for me - I would always be wanting so much more. She took this really hard, but eventually said she understood where I am coming from.

 

I think what she really wants is to be single, date other people, live, learn, and experience things in college. It's so hard for me to accept because all I want is to live, learn, and experience things together with her. This talk we had did help clear things up for me, so I think NC will be a little easier. I took her name off my instant messanger, didn't contact her at all on Christmas.

 

I still want her back more than anything, but I realize that I need to start moving on because my head keeps telling me that she is not coming back.

[hailtothevictors]

Jusified and ladyeve - thanks for your input. Today is Day 4 of my second NC stint and it's been really tough. I am on winter break from school and I am not working over break, so there is not a lot to do - leaving me plenty of time to just sit and think about her.

 

Our birthdays are two days apart on the first week of January. Do you think I should send her any type of 'happy bday' text or just continue with the NC?

[jusified]

send nothing, N l email NOTHING!!!! You're relationship is over and she doesn't deserve someone like you. Trust me, there are alot of girls outthere that would be alot better for you and you will get them. But to do that you have to heal and improve yourself and move on with out having any baggaeg from the old relationship.

 

Day 4 is very tough, it will be tough for the first few month.

 

But try and find activities to do. I am doing a lot of volunteer work, sports and summer school (In in the southern hemiphere).

 

So try to see if you can volunteer for somethng, go to parties, take up some dance lessons or anything else you were interested in but didn't have time to do.

[ladyeve]

Let me start by asking if you have any SPECIFIC PLANS for New Year's Eve. You do? Great! Plan out every day leading up to the festivities, down to the exact hour and minute. In other words, fill up your days with activities that will keep you busy, other than contacting her, that is. You even have permission from us to sleep ten hours a day, if you feel like it. This is a good time to get some much deserved rest. If you don't have any plans for New Year's Eve, START MAKING THEM right now! Just make sure your plans do not include her or excessive drinking.

 

After plowing through New Year's Eve with lots of optimism and dignity, take advantage of January 1 or 2 (I know there are bowl games on the first) and give yourself some serious quiet time to think about THE FUTURE, which will be bright and filled with interesting new things and people. When I say serious quiet time I really mean it. No TV, no Internet, no iPod...just you and maybe a pen and some paper. I mentioned something similar last time: At your school you're surrounded by interesting things and people from all over the country and the world. On January 4, when classes start take small but concrete steps to get to know them.

 

I know you won't be able to avoid running into her when you're back in school. But keep the contact to a need-be basis. Rest of of the time, study your * * * * * off and have fun!

 

Oh yeah, no birthday contact if you can help it. You'll be partying with your friends (maybe some new ones too) anyway - too busy to care.

 

Hang in there!

[hailtothevictors]

Thanks for the input you two. I have been trying to keep busy, but no matter what I do, my thoughts keep drifting back to her. EVERYTHING reminds me of her

 

I do have plans to hang out with friends on New Year's Eve, so that should be good - but not having her there to kiss at midnight will be tough. Also, I don't know if either of you have experience with Facebook - but it is a social networking site similiar to MySpace and popular among college students. I have had a really hard time preventing myself from checking her profile and seeing what she is up to and what messages people have sent her.

 

It's almost like I'm breaking NC by checking her profile because I'm checking in on her, but doing it completely anonymously from the comfort of my computer chair. With New Year's and her birthday party coming up, I know that there are going to be lots of photos put up there and I don't know if I'm going to have the willpower to not look at them.

 

Thanks again for all your advice!

 

(Ladyeve - are you a Wolverine yourself?

[hailtothevictors]

Hey,

 

I'm having a rough day and I'm just looking for a little motivation here. I checked her Facebook profile (stupid move) yesterday and found out that she is going to a New Year's Eve party with a group of our mutual friends tonight - I wasn't invited. I am going to a party tonight with some friends, but it's going to be hard to keep my mind off her tonight.

 

Today is Day 8 of NC and I'm having some second thoughts about it. If she goes weeks and weeks without contact with me, how will she know if she wants to try again? Will an "out of sight, out of mind" type of thing occur? I guess I'm worried that she might want to give it another try sometime, maybe go on a date or two and see what happens, but will be afraid to contact me because I told her I can't be friends with her right now.

 

Just looking for a few words of wisdom

[Cindersam]

Hang in there. You are only on day 8 of NC and you are going to have rough days. I know I did. But you are going to have good days too the longer you stick with it. I made it through 8 weeks of NC (just contacted my ex yesterday) and I really feel MUCH better than I had in the beginning.

 

I don't think "out of sight out of mind" applies if the person really loves you (I know it didn't apply for me). I still think about my ex every day but since it's been 8 weeks I am better off emotionally to handle whatever may happen and I see things much more clearly. That doesn't mean I don't love him or don't wish for a second chance, it just means that for the past 8 weeks I let myself do some healing, I took care of myself by exercising more, sleeping (which was difficult at first but is much better now), going out with friends and doing things I enjoy.

 

I know it's difficult for you right now but IT WILL GET BETTER!! I know that's probably now what you want to hear right now but it's the truth.

 

Just give NC some more time and if she really loves you and wants to be with you she will return. It sounds like you two ended things on a good note so I don't think she'll be afraid to contact you. Just give it some time, stay busy and take care of yourself.

 

Good luck!

 

P.S. If you can you might want to stop checking her Facebook - why torture yourself?????

[hailtothevictors]

Thanks for the reply, Cindersam. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better, but it is really difficult to believe right now.

 

As for the Facebook thing, I agree, there is no reason to torture myself like that. I made it one of my New Year's resolutions to not check her profile and I am going to try my best to stick to it, even though I KNOW that there are pictures up there right now from her New Year's party and I want to look at them so badly. I will stop myself though.

 

Thursday is her 20th birthday - should I contact at all? I think there is a fine line between giving her space and coming accross as a jerk who is too angry/immature to contact her. My birthday is two days after her's. Should I send her a b-day text?

[Cindersam]

I don't think that's a good idea. I know it sounds cold when you care about someone not to even wish them a Happy Birthday. But she said she wanted time alone so give it to her. She needs to see what life is like without you in it in order for her to discover what she wants. That's not going to happen if you have any kind of contact. Remember she made this choice not you so give her the space and time that she wants and if she really loves you and wants you in her life she will be back.

 

How are you doing with the Facebook thing? Stay strong and you will be much better off for it.

 

It REALLY DOES get better. Hang in there.

[hailtothevictors]

I'm doing good with the Facebook thing. Haven't checked her profile once or looked at any pictures.

 

And I know that it goes against much of what is said here, but I am going to text her on her birthday tomorrow. I will probably be disappointed if she doesn't send me one on Saturday, but I would be very sad and regretful if I didn't send her anything at all. I don't think one text message will give her a false sense of what life is like without me.

 

Thanks again for the advice, I'll let you know how the texting goes ...

[Cindersam]

I know how you feel. It was very hard for me not to wish my ex a Merry Christmas. Just be careful not to expect anything in return so you won't be hurt further. Good luck and congratulations on the Facebook thing!

[hailtothevictors]

I just sent her the text and broke 12 days of strict NC. All I wrote was "hey xxxxx- happy birthday! i hope you have a great day Within a minute she texted back "Thank you. It's almost your birthday too! I was not expecting a response, especially that quickly, but it did feel good to hear back from her, even if it was just a simple text message.

 

My birthday is Saturday and after we broke up, her and a friend planned a big birthday bash for themselves on Saturday night. I was invited and she told me she really hoped I could come, but I said that it was my birthday and I would probably be busy (this was before our Christmas and me telling her that I couldn't be friends right now). I will not be attending this party on Saturday (my friends are throwing me a party of my own and I will force myself to not look at the many Facebook pictures that will likely follow. It'll be interesting to see if she contacts me at all ...

[arch1tekt85]

Reading about your break-up is like reading about my own -- the motivations, the ages, the maturity, everything. I totally relate to you and everything you're going through as I'm there myself right now, though maybe 2 months further down the road. My ex was my first real anything and from the day we'd met, we knew we'd found our soulmates. However, people change as much as we may wish they didn't, and the best that we can do is to put ourselves in a position to adapt to those changes as best as we can. So maybe I can save you some of the pains and troubles I've been through these past months and hopefully give you a better chance of maybe getting yourself back together again.

 

First of all, a small break of NC is still a break. Trust me, I know how momentarily gratifying it probably was to send her that text message, but as much as you can justify it by telling yourself it was nothing, it was out of what we had, I don't want her to think I'm a ____ for not doing anything, it's only going to hurt more the next time a situation comes around and you're tempted to contact her i.e. during your birthday. The more you raise your hopes, the harder you will fall. It's that simple. What happens when she doesn't respond right away or God forbid, at all? How will that make you feel after getting such a promising initial response? You will wonder why she didn't, why did it not go like last time or even better than last time? I know it seems cold, I know it goes against anything you think or feel or trust, but it is the best way if you two are to be happy. She doesn't need a text message to know you're thinking about her -- of course you are! She's probably thinking about you as well. But what makes you stronger? Revealing your hand, letting her know that you're thinking about her and in return hoping she's thinking about you too or just sitting back, trusting in what you feel for each other? I know you probably are looking for anything, any sign, that she will come back, but the more she knows this, the more she knows she can keep going because you're going to follow.

 

"She said she needs space to figure out what she wants" and "she said she loves me and I am her best friend, but she doesn't know if she wants a relationship right now." She's told you what she wants, you've obviously heard her and "want to respect her wishes," yet when she starts IMing, texting, calling, you "usually respond." This isn't going no contact, this isn't giving her space, this is trying to maintain what you had before. My ex was the same way. The more I responded, the more I got my hopes up that things were maybe getting better. In actuality, all I was doing was deluding myself into thinking more was happening than there was and getting myself tortured in the process. You love her, you care about her, give her what she wants, not what you think she needs. Her constant contacting you was her way of making sure you were still there to fall back on, that even though you were broken up, you were still there to catch her if she falls. She wasn't saying that she didn't need space anymore or that she wanted to get back together, she was saying that she missed you, wanted to know you where there and nothing more. And as much as we wish to be there to help them, to make sure they're okay (we can't help it, we're in love), the absolute best thing we can do is let them go on their own. It's the only way for them to find what they want and for us to not be used (intentially or not) as backup support.

 

"I can't accept that the wonderful, amazing, love that we shared for over two years can disappear because of a few stressful weeks." The hard thing to understand is that what happened wasn't out of the blue, but was more likely something that she'd been feeling for a while. More times than not, a break up like yours doesn't happen because of some small momentary thing but is the result of something deeper and long term. Even before this happened, you'd felt that things were hard, between school and work and everything else. That's life and relationships take just as much energy as those above two things. The problem is, when looking at the scales, sometimes there just isn't time to manage all 3 as well as we'd like and one sometimes suffers. Your ex didn't make this decision on a whim; women are not like men. She's been thinking about this a long time, maybe even looking around a bit, before you were even aware there was a problem. The fact that she makes out with some guy at a party when you're gone is just the tip of the iceberg. That happened because she was feeling (or not feeling) a certain way, not vice versa. My ex admitted to me she had a crush on a guy at her work. She felt awful about it, said the only reason she even liked him was because he reminded her of me, and couldn't stand to keep it a secret anymore. I, trying to be a mature boyfriend, didn't want to act jealous or insecure or angry, said okay, it happens, as long as it doesn't go further than a crush, we're okay. Guess who she's now dating? It's hard to feel that we weren't giving them everything they needed, but we have to trust in knowing that we did everything we could to make them happy and that if it wasn't enough, it's not our fault. She can't help from feeling this way as much as you can't help from loving her. Since the odds of her changing are about as much as the odds of you not loving her anymore, the best that you can do is to accept it and move on.

 

"We are sophomores in college and had been dating since prom our junior year of high school - we were each other's first everything" I met my ex the summer she graduated from high school (I am a year ahead of her). We had the same experiences of being "madly in love" and felt that life couldn't get any better. The problem is, this is a time of our lives when our world grows at an exponential rate. Me, you, them -- we are so very young, as much as our feelings tell us otherwise. The people that you two were at 18 are probably very different than the people you are today, especially after loving someone the way you did for so long. It's inevitable. Part of the reason I'm still missing my ex is that she's ingrained into every part of my being. I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't met her. I'm sure you feel the same way. What I think happens is, especially at our age when so much is going on, is that you can get to a point where you have to either jump off and trust that this is the best decision you can make in your life or you back down, afraid, uncertain, doubtful. I know my ex got to this point after the glow of the honeymoon was over. It was time to make serious commitments and sacrifices for us to be together, she just couldn't do it. She said she loved me, that she'll always love me, but she doesn't want to deal with that kind of commitment right now. Instead, she wanted space and time to find herself and what she wants in life, but would still like me to be a part of her life, though only as a friend. Any of this sound familiar? It sucks, it's hard, and you can completely see how things can be different, but in the end, there's nothing you can do. And keep in mind, she's only one of millions. Millions upon millions! So very rarely does one's first love end up being the one they stay with. What it sounds like your girl wants is perspective, which isn't necessarily a bad thing to get. She wants to date around, experience new things, see what else is out there before she makes that final decision. Who knows? She could go out, find out how retarded most other guys are, and love you even more for it. I know I'm waiting for my ex to realize how the guy she's with now can't give her what I did (though I think she knows it now and is fine having a meaningless relationship; her loss) It's not to say she wasn't happy with you or that your relationship was a waste of time. Sometimes people just need reassurance of their own beliefs before they act. Trust me, this is total bull * * * * in my opinion. If you love someone, just love that person. There's no need to second guess, to check out other options; you don't need to know how much you love someone, you just do! But, alas, this is not the way they see it and as illogical as it may seem, we can't change it.

 

"This is what she wants at this point and she doesn't know when or if that will change." Why put your life on hold for a maybe? She obviously isn't and is telling you as such. You could be missing out on something much better, much happier and you wouldn't even know it. It took a long time for me to realize that the time and energy I put into chasing after my ex, I could have been putting into developing new relationships or interests or activities. Now, I'm in the best shape I've been in my life, have started up surfing and drawing again, and just been reinvesting myself with old friends whom I let fall lby the wayside. So you have a choice: do you wallow in misery, pining after someone who may never actually come back or do you use your newfound freedom to your advantage, making yourself a better person, growing out into new ways, and experiencing new things? Don't go out being a manwhore and start drinking and smoking and get into the whole depressed self-destruction lifestyle (it's not fun, trust me). Rebuild yourself, do all those things you've been putting off but haven't done, hang out with friends, all of that (hey, on the bright side of things, you've at least got the time now). Make yourself a better you; it's far more attractive to any girl than being empty and hollow and miserable.

 

"I think what she really wants is to be single, date other people, live, learn, and experience things in college. It's so hard for me to accept because all I want is to live, learn, and experience things together with her" Yes, that is what she wants and unfortunately, it won't be with you. I totally agree with you, I wanted the same with my ex. But the way you see it, the life you want, does not exist to her as an option. Like it or not, you're on your own. You can want and wish and hope and dream all you want, you're not going to wake up to find her next you and everything's okay. Trust me, I've been wishing that any day now, there's some break-thru in science so I can go back in time and undue some of the many mistakes I've made these past months. That maybe, knowing what I know now, I could change things. I think I'll be waiting a long time if that's all I let myself do.

 

"I still want her back more than anything, but I realize that I need to start moving on because my head keeps telling me that she is not coming back." Trust your instincts, Luke. You know it, deep down, beyond love, beyond hope, you know that this won't change anytime soon. It's when we doubt ourselves that we loose it. You know you love her, you know you want her to be happy, and you know that you have to let her go. Just let that be enough. Stop questioning it, stop thinking about it, stop trying to change it. The only thing that anyone can change is themselves. You can't stop a drunk from being a drunk, you can't stop an addict from being an addict, and you can't make someone love you who doesn't love you anymore.

 

"I have had a really hard time preventing myself from checking her profile and seeing what she is up to and what messages people have sent her." Yeah, the new Facebook is even worse since every little change in your life is echoed out amongst the mob for all to see. I, in a fit of clarity, removed my ex from my facebook. I did the same as you. I'd check to see what was going on, if she was writing anything to anyone about us or what she was feeling, constantly looking for something. Then I realized what I was doing and how sad that was. And I also realized how hurt I'd be to see her post something about her new life without me, like "Oh me and (new guy's name here) had such a fun time at that party; we didn't mean to get so out of hand " Agh, makes me feel sick to even write it. Checking up on them is the same as calling them. You're only going to be disheartened and disappointed. And hearing about what events and parties and friends she's hanging out with only serves to show you what she's not doing with you. i.e. the new year's party. I didn't want to be obsessing about who my ex was going to be kissing at midnight, it's just not healthy. And if there were pictures of it? I'd be a wreck. Ultimately, what are you gaining by checking up on her? Only pain and heartache; not worth it.

 

"How will she know if she wants to try again?" When and if she's ready, she'll come to you. She knows how you feel and knows where to find you. The whole reason you can't be friends is because you told her that she means too much to you. Good for you for establishing that and not taking 2nd place when you deserve 1st. Thinking out of sight out of mind is only you doubting yourself. Now that she's gone, are you thinking about her any less? Hell no. Stop thinking that you're not as important to her as she is to you. If she's not thinking about you or doesn't come back to you, why would you want someone like that back into your life when there's plenty of other girls out there who would?

 

Ultimately, you need to stop trying to make yourself feel better by keeping her in your life. It's like when someone has an affair (bear with me for a moment, about to enter a big analogy). You're drunk, you make a mistake with that cute girl at work, you feel completely awful about it because you know that you just betrayed everything you had with your significant other. So what do you do? You know that telling them will make you feel better, because you came clean, you admitted your mistake, you were being honest, and now they can forgive you and you can move on. But, what about them? How will knowing that you've betrayed them make them feel? Sure, you feel better, but you've destroyed them, their trust, their confidence, everything. Yes, they'll forgive you, they love you, they can't help it. But now, instead of you just paying for your mistake, they have to pay for it as well. You're okay, but you've made them worse off than if you'd just had the fling in private. This is not to say that we can all go around having office hookups and not telling our partners about it. I'm talking about an honest complete lapse of judgment that was a once in a lifetime mistake and would never happen again. It's not fair of you to relieve yourself of that pain to them just because it makes you feel better. It's only going to cause more pain to them. (now let's tie it back in to what's going on) You miss her, you want her back, and you love her. Yet to keep contacting her, to make little play dates, to not let her go, you're relieving yourself (at least momentarily) of any pain, but what are you doing to her? She told you about her drunken kiss, how'd that make you feel? Would you have wanted to know what happened or just preferred that she realized her error and never did it again? I know we think honesty is the best policy and that we're only being true to our emotions, but sometimes it causes more hurt than otherwise. Right now it probably feels comforting to know you're each still there for each other, but before you know it, that comforting feeling might turn to resentment. She's made it clear what she wants and the longer you keep trying to be a part of her life, the more she will begin to pull away. Anytime I talked to my ex about us or the past or whatever, she wanted me to stop because it was too painful to hear and in the end, made her more angry with me than wistful. You look at contact as a way to reconcile, she looks at it as a safety net. The sooner she knows you're really gone, the sooner both of you can really move on.

 

Hopefully something of what I've said helps you out. I apologize for the lengthy read, but the similarities were too much for me to keep it short (plus it helps to remind myself what I need to do). I know that for me, finding this place has helped immensely. And even though I doubt you'll make all the right decisions and hold NC perfectly and not end up back here in a few more weeks saying "I love her I love her I love her, help me", I hope it helps in some small way knowing that you're not alone, you're not crazy, and that things can get better. You sound like a guy who has his * * * * together and as much as it may seem she's the one, in the end, she may not be. Appreciate what you had, learn from it, and use this time for yourself as much as she is. You might be surprised at what you find. Every day I'm trying to move on, and every day I think of my ex, hoping she's okay. It's not easy by any means, but at least I can say I'm enjoying my life. Let me end this diatribe with a quote from a good friend who helped me out a lot through my own break up. She's the wisest girl I know and helped me to see things from the other (female) side. "The best thing you can do is pursue your dreams; the person that fits you best in the end will come along side and compliment those dreams. If she is that person, she will come back in her own time."

 

Good luck man, we're here for you.

[hailtothevictors]

arch1tekt85, thank you so much for taking the time to post. Much of what you said was exactly what I needed to hear.

 

You’re definitely right about the break of NC. It felt so great to hear from her, even if it was just a two-sentence text, but it did not take long for the questions to start popping up in my head. “Was she excited to get a text from me? Will she text me on my birthday? Should I respond if she does?” This led to me thinking about her non-stop for the rest of the day, trying to make something out of what was just a polite, friendly text message.

 

“Your ex didn't make this decision on a whim; women are not like men. She's been thinking about this a long time”

 

She admitted this to me when we had our discussion a couple weeks ago about what went wrong. She was so scared and nervous to tell me because she thought I would never want to see her again, so she just held it in. Once the alcohol started flowing that weekend however, I think her actions with the other guy happened so that she would have to tell me everything. I really wish she would have told me before that happened so either we could have tried to work it out or I wouldn’t have had to go through the pain of being cheated on, but I can’t do anything about that now.

 

“It's hard to feel that we weren't giving them everything they needed, but we have to trust in knowing that we did everything we could to make them happy and that if it wasn't enough, it's not our fault.”

 

This was really helpful to me. I feel that I put everything I had into our relationship, so I don’t have many regrets at all about what I did. I realize that the break-up is partially my fault, but I also know I did my absolute best.

 

Having forums like this to vent and get such thoughtful and helpful advice from people has been deeply beneficial to my recovery process. I have not checked her Facebook profile or pictures in six days and I don’t plan on breaking that streak anytime soon. I started working out again today and I definitely want to start making that a part of my daily routine. Tomorrow my friends are throwing a birthday party for me. I still hope and pray she will come back to me one day, but I am slowly beginning to realize that I can’t just wait around for that day to (possibly) come.

 

Again, thank you for such a thoughtful and motivational post

[hailtothevictors]

Aaaarghh!!!

 

Today is my birthday - I was having a great day. Opened presents, went to lunch, had a nice conversation with a girl I used to work with, bought some new clothes ...

 

My ex hasn't contacted me at all today. After I sent her a text on her bday and she responded so quickly and mentioned my birthday, I thought for sure she would text me today. I'm less sad than I thought I would be (the two weeks of NC helped), but I can't lie and say that it doesn't hurt to not hear from her on my birthday.

 

Man, this sucks ...

[hailtothevictors]

Well, I did end up getting a text from her last night. It was pretty much word-for-word the bday text that I send her a couple days before. I did not respond.

 

Spending my birthday without her was really tough, but being with my friends and having a good time eased the pain somewhat. I still thought about her nearly the entire time and found myself wondering what was going on at her party, but that's to be expected.

 

With the exception of the birthday text, we have had no contact since December 23rd, and I haven't checked her Facebook profile in seven days!

[Ellie2006]

Hey there!

Happy (belated) Birthday!

I am glad that you enjoyed your b-day celebration w/ friends!

Friends are such a great support system; I know mine helped me keep my sanity in the aftermath of my break-up.

 

In any event, it sounds like you're doing really well so far (esp. in regards to NOT checking her Facebook). Stay strong!

[hailtothevictors]

I completely broke down today. I was packing up all my pictures/letters and stuff from her and I couldn't stop myself from re-reading all our old stuff and I just started bawling. I started missing her so much and I went on her Facebook profile to see what she's been up to. I even logged on under her name to read her messages!! I feel so terrible now. She has been sending messages back and forth with one of my friends, apoligizing for drunken phone calls she has been giving and asking him how he is doing.

 

I'm shaken up so much right now, I can't stop crying. I had been doing so good for so long and I just lost it today. At least I didn't call her or anything, even though I desperately wanted to. I feel like I'm going to throw up, this hurts so much. I love her with everything I have and I just want her in my arms right now, telling me how much I mean to her.

[Ellie2006]

H,

It's okay. We all slip up sometimes.

Instead of focusing on the slip-up (i.e. logging on w/ her name to see her Facebook profile), concentrate on what you did right: RESISTING THE URGE TO CALL HER!

Hang in there, okay?

[hailtothevictors]

Alright, update time.

 

 

With the exception of the birthday text, I have had no contact with the ex in 23 days (wow, that sounds like a looong time). It actually has gone much smoother than I anticipated. It has by no means been easy - in fact it has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life - but I am feeling a little bit better each day. I haven't checked her Facebook profile since my little meltdown a few days back and I really think that has helped.

 

When I think about her now, it is not entirely pain and agony like it was during the first few days of NC. Mixed in with the hurt are thoughts of thankfulness for what we had and the beginnings of realizations that things are going to work out for the best. Also, I don't cry NEARLY as much as I did at first.

 

Tonight she sent me a text message - her only contact with me in the last 23 days besides the birthday greeting she returned. It simply said that when she was watching American Idol (a show we always watched together) she saw someone audition that we had met on vacation together.

 

Without all of the information I have gathered from this board, I probably would have freaked out and been thinking "oh my god, this means she is thinking about me and wants me back", but thanks to you all I know better I didn't respond at all tonight, but do you think I should respond tomorrow and acknowledge that I got her message? I would just say something simple about how it's cool that she saw that girl on there, nothing more. I feel like I should acknowledge her message somehow - what do you think?

[disgruntledbaker]

the answer to that has everything to do with where you feel that you are on the way to recovery.

 

theres no shame in the crying. there are a lot of emotions you have to go through in this time, because they're tied to facts that you have deal with. be angry that things that you didn't want to happen did. be sad that things you wanted to happen didn't. be afraid that things could possibly happen that you don't want to. be sorry that certain things you want to happen may never happen. it's only once you've dealt with all these things that you can claim you've begun healing, and the pain associated with them diminishes as you deal with them. you know you are healed when you can look back on the relationship with fondness and no anger, sadness, fear, or sorrow remains. can you honestly say that?

 

if your answer is no, you still have to take care of yourself. if your answer is yes, go ahead and respond. theres no shame in taking care of yourself, if you aren't taken care of then you'll never be a healthy second half of a two-person relationship.

[hailtothevictors]

Ok, she and I are both on the eight-person executive board of a student organization at school. Our first meeting of this semester is on Tuesday. Tuesday will be exactly one month since I have seen her last.

 

I have been missing her so badly today. I just have this overwhelming desire to hold her in my arms and squeeze her against me and never let go. I just want to see her face and hear her voice - it's been almost a month.

 

How should I approach this meeting on Tuesday? The group meets every Tuesday night, so I will be seeing her every week from now on. I want to tell her how good it is to see her and how much I miss her, but that probably won't accomplish anything. I'm just really nervous/scared/excited to finally get a chance to see her.