arch1tekt85

to Eva That's the thing. I think she's actually the one using him (this isn't the first time she's been some older guy's teenage fantasy). I've even called her out on it and she's admitted as such. She has no feelings for him, doesn't think he's that intelligent, and said he's not even good in bed. Basically, the only thing he's got going for him is he's available and has lots of free time whereas I had to move 3 hrs away and am a full time student. Yes, she's very self destructive and I see that now. Somehow I thought I could change that about her, but guess I was wrong. But God, what a mindjob to go out and buy our ring. It's like your ex getting married in your chapel or whatever that you and them had planned on. I know I can't read much into it; she's crazy right now and doesn't know what she wants and there's nothing I can do to change it. But still, is she trying to kill me or what? to evening_light: Yea, NC is the plan right now. You're right you're right you're right. She is my ex, I'm better off without her, but she's like a cancer in my soul that won't go away. And even though it's been 4 months, working the way I've been at school it seems like only last week. She on the other hand has had tons of time to do as she pleases and can't understand why I'm not over her. I feel like I came back from another planet to find that everyone aged 10 years to my one. It's times like these I wish that Lacuna from "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was a real company; I'd sign right up.

Reading about your break-up is like reading about my own -- the motivations, the ages, the maturity, everything. I totally relate to you and everything you're going through as I'm there myself right now, though maybe 2 months further down the road. My ex was my first real anything and from the day we'd met, we knew we'd found our soulmates. However, people change as much as we may wish they didn't, and the best that we can do is to put ourselves in a position to adapt to those changes as best as we can. So maybe I can save you some of the pains and troubles I've been through these past months and hopefully give you a better chance of maybe getting yourself back together again. First of all, a small break of NC is still a break. Trust me, I know how momentarily gratifying it probably was to send her that text message, but as much as you can justify it by telling yourself it was nothing, it was out of what we had, I don't want her to think I'm a ____ for not doing anything, it's only going to hurt more the next time a situation comes around and you're tempted to contact her i.e. during your birthday. The more you raise your hopes, the harder you will fall. It's that simple. What happens when she doesn't respond right away or God forbid, at all? How will that make you feel after getting such a promising initial response? You will wonder why she didn't, why did it not go like last time or even better than last time? I know it seems cold, I know it goes against anything you think or feel or trust, but it is the best way if you two are to be happy. She doesn't need a text message to know you're thinking about her -- of course you are! She's probably thinking about you as well. But what makes you stronger? Revealing your hand, letting her know that you're thinking about her and in return hoping she's thinking about you too or just sitting back, trusting in what you feel for each other? I know you probably are looking for anything, any sign, that she will come back, but the more she knows this, the more she knows she can keep going because you're going to follow. "She said she needs space to figure out what she wants" and "she said she loves me and I am her best friend, but she doesn't know if she wants a relationship right now." She's told you what she wants, you've obviously heard her and "want to respect her wishes," yet when she starts IMing, texting, calling, you "usually respond." This isn't going no contact, this isn't giving her space, this is trying to maintain what you had before. My ex was the same way. The more I responded, the more I got my hopes up that things were maybe getting better. In actuality, all I was doing was deluding myself into thinking more was happening than there was and getting myself tortured in the process. You love her, you care about her, give her what she wants, not what you think she needs. Her constant contacting you was her way of making sure you were still there to fall back on, that even though you were broken up, you were still there to catch her if she falls. She wasn't saying that she didn't need space anymore or that she wanted to get back together, she was saying that she missed you, wanted to know you where there and nothing more. And as much as we wish to be there to help them, to make sure they're okay (we can't help it, we're in love), the absolute best thing we can do is let them go on their own. It's the only way for them to find what they want and for us to not be used (intentially or not) as backup support. "I can't accept that the wonderful, amazing, love that we shared for over two years can disappear because of a few stressful weeks." The hard thing to understand is that what happened wasn't out of the blue, but was more likely something that she'd been feeling for a while. More times than not, a break up like yours doesn't happen because of some small momentary thing but is the result of something deeper and long term. Even before this happened, you'd felt that things were hard, between school and work and everything else. That's life and relationships take just as much energy as those above two things. The problem is, when looking at the scales, sometimes there just isn't time to manage all 3 as well as we'd like and one sometimes suffers. Your ex didn't make this decision on a whim; women are not like men. She's been thinking about this a long time, maybe even looking around a bit, before you were even aware there was a problem. The fact that she makes out with some guy at a party when you're gone is just the tip of the iceberg. That happened because she was feeling (or not feeling) a certain way, not vice versa. My ex admitted to me she had a crush on a guy at her work. She felt awful about it, said the only reason she even liked him was because he reminded her of me, and couldn't stand to keep it a secret anymore. I, trying to be a mature boyfriend, didn't want to act jealous or insecure or angry, said okay, it happens, as long as it doesn't go further than a crush, we're okay. Guess who she's now dating? It's hard to feel that we weren't giving them everything they needed, but we have to trust in knowing that we did everything we could to make them happy and that if it wasn't enough, it's not our fault. She can't help from feeling this way as much as you can't help from loving her. Since the odds of her changing are about as much as the odds of you not loving her anymore, the best that you can do is to accept it and move on. "We are sophomores in college and had been dating since prom our junior year of high school - we were each other's first everything" I met my ex the summer she graduated from high school (I am a year ahead of her). We had the same experiences of being "madly in love" and felt that life couldn't get any better. The problem is, this is a time of our lives when our world grows at an exponential rate. Me, you, them -- we are so very young, as much as our feelings tell us otherwise. The people that you two were at 18 are probably very different than the people you are today, especially after loving someone the way you did for so long. It's inevitable. Part of the reason I'm still missing my ex is that she's ingrained into every part of my being. I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't met her. I'm sure you feel the same way. What I think happens is, especially at our age when so much is going on, is that you can get to a point where you have to either jump off and trust that this is the best decision you can make in your life or you back down, afraid, uncertain, doubtful. I know my ex got to this point after the glow of the honeymoon was over. It was time to make serious commitments and sacrifices for us to be together, she just couldn't do it. She said she loved me, that she'll always love me, but she doesn't want to deal with that kind of commitment right now. Instead, she wanted space and time to find herself and what she wants in life, but would still like me to be a part of her life, though only as a friend. Any of this sound familiar? It sucks, it's hard, and you can completely see how things can be different, but in the end, there's nothing you can do. And keep in mind, she's only one of millions. Millions upon millions! So very rarely does one's first love end up being the one they stay with. What it sounds like your girl wants is perspective, which isn't necessarily a bad thing to get. She wants to date around, experience new things, see what else is out there before she makes that final decision. Who knows? She could go out, find out how retarded most other guys are, and love you even more for it. I know I'm waiting for my ex to realize how the guy she's with now can't give her what I did (though I think she knows it now and is fine having a meaningless relationship; her loss) It's not to say she wasn't happy with you or that your relationship was a waste of time. Sometimes people just need reassurance of their own beliefs before they act. Trust me, this is total bull * * * * in my opinion. If you love someone, just love that person. There's no need to second guess, to check out other options; you don't need to know how much you love someone, you just do! But, alas, this is not the way they see it and as illogical as it may seem, we can't change it. "This is what she wants at this point and she doesn't know when or if that will change." Why put your life on hold for a maybe? She obviously isn't and is telling you as such. You could be missing out on something much better, much happier and you wouldn't even know it. It took a long time for me to realize that the time and energy I put into chasing after my ex, I could have been putting into developing new relationships or interests or activities. Now, I'm in the best shape I've been in my life, have started up surfing and drawing again, and just been reinvesting myself with old friends whom I let fall lby the wayside. So you have a choice: do you wallow in misery, pining after someone who may never actually come back or do you use your newfound freedom to your advantage, making yourself a better person, growing out into new ways, and experiencing new things? Don't go out being a manwhore and start drinking and smoking and get into the whole depressed self-destruction lifestyle (it's not fun, trust me). Rebuild yourself, do all those things you've been putting off but haven't done, hang out with friends, all of that (hey, on the bright side of things, you've at least got the time now). Make yourself a better you; it's far more attractive to any girl than being empty and hollow and miserable. "I think what she really wants is to be single, date other people, live, learn, and experience things in college. It's so hard for me to accept because all I want is to live, learn, and experience things together with her" Yes, that is what she wants and unfortunately, it won't be with you. I totally agree with you, I wanted the same with my ex. But the way you see it, the life you want, does not exist to her as an option. Like it or not, you're on your own. You can want and wish and hope and dream all you want, you're not going to wake up to find her next you and everything's okay. Trust me, I've been wishing that any day now, there's some break-thru in science so I can go back in time and undue some of the many mistakes I've made these past months. That maybe, knowing what I know now, I could change things. I think I'll be waiting a long time if that's all I let myself do. "I still want her back more than anything, but I realize that I need to start moving on because my head keeps telling me that she is not coming back." Trust your instincts, Luke. You know it, deep down, beyond love, beyond hope, you know that this won't change anytime soon. It's when we doubt ourselves that we loose it. You know you love her, you know you want her to be happy, and you know that you have to let her go. Just let that be enough. Stop questioning it, stop thinking about it, stop trying to change it. The only thing that anyone can change is themselves. You can't stop a drunk from being a drunk, you can't stop an addict from being an addict, and you can't make someone love you who doesn't love you anymore. "I have had a really hard time preventing myself from checking her profile and seeing what she is up to and what messages people have sent her." Yeah, the new Facebook is even worse since every little change in your life is echoed out amongst the mob for all to see. I, in a fit of clarity, removed my ex from my facebook. I did the same as you. I'd check to see what was going on, if she was writing anything to anyone about us or what she was feeling, constantly looking for something. Then I realized what I was doing and how sad that was. And I also realized how hurt I'd be to see her post something about her new life without me, like "Oh me and (new guy's name here) had such a fun time at that party; we didn't mean to get so out of hand " Agh, makes me feel sick to even write it. Checking up on them is the same as calling them. You're only going to be disheartened and disappointed. And hearing about what events and parties and friends she's hanging out with only serves to show you what she's not doing with you. i.e. the new year's party. I didn't want to be obsessing about who my ex was going to be kissing at midnight, it's just not healthy. And if there were pictures of it? I'd be a wreck. Ultimately, what are you gaining by checking up on her? Only pain and heartache; not worth it. "How will she know if she wants to try again?" When and if she's ready, she'll come to you. She knows how you feel and knows where to find you. The whole reason you can't be friends is because you told her that she means too much to you. Good for you for establishing that and not taking 2nd place when you deserve 1st. Thinking out of sight out of mind is only you doubting yourself. Now that she's gone, are you thinking about her any less? Hell no. Stop thinking that you're not as important to her as she is to you. If she's not thinking about you or doesn't come back to you, why would you want someone like that back into your life when there's plenty of other girls out there who would? Ultimately, you need to stop trying to make yourself feel better by keeping her in your life. It's like when someone has an affair (bear with me for a moment, about to enter a big analogy). You're drunk, you make a mistake with that cute girl at work, you feel completely awful about it because you know that you just betrayed everything you had with your significant other. So what do you do? You know that telling them will make you feel better, because you came clean, you admitted your mistake, you were being honest, and now they can forgive you and you can move on. But, what about them? How will knowing that you've betrayed them make them feel? Sure, you feel better, but you've destroyed them, their trust, their confidence, everything. Yes, they'll forgive you, they love you, they can't help it. But now, instead of you just paying for your mistake, they have to pay for it as well. You're okay, but you've made them worse off than if you'd just had the fling in private. This is not to say that we can all go around having office hookups and not telling our partners about it. I'm talking about an honest complete lapse of judgment that was a once in a lifetime mistake and would never happen again. It's not fair of you to relieve yourself of that pain to them just because it makes you feel better. It's only going to cause more pain to them. (now let's tie it back in to what's going on) You miss her, you want her back, and you love her. Yet to keep contacting her, to make little play dates, to not let her go, you're relieving yourself (at least momentarily) of any pain, but what are you doing to her? She told you about her drunken kiss, how'd that make you feel? Would you have wanted to know what happened or just preferred that she realized her error and never did it again? I know we think honesty is the best policy and that we're only being true to our emotions, but sometimes it causes more hurt than otherwise. Right now it probably feels comforting to know you're each still there for each other, but before you know it, that comforting feeling might turn to resentment. She's made it clear what she wants and the longer you keep trying to be a part of her life, the more she will begin to pull away. Anytime I talked to my ex about us or the past or whatever, she wanted me to stop because it was too painful to hear and in the end, made her more angry with me than wistful. You look at contact as a way to reconcile, she looks at it as a safety net. The sooner she knows you're really gone, the sooner both of you can really move on. Hopefully something of what I've said helps you out. I apologize for the lengthy read, but the similarities were too much for me to keep it short (plus it helps to remind myself what I need to do). I know that for me, finding this place has helped immensely. And even though I doubt you'll make all the right decisions and hold NC perfectly and not end up back here in a few more weeks saying "I love her I love her I love her, help me", I hope it helps in some small way knowing that you're not alone, you're not crazy, and that things can get better. You sound like a guy who has his * * * * together and as much as it may seem she's the one, in the end, she may not be. Appreciate what you had, learn from it, and use this time for yourself as much as she is. You might be surprised at what you find. Every day I'm trying to move on, and every day I think of my ex, hoping she's okay. It's not easy by any means, but at least I can say I'm enjoying my life. Let me end this diatribe with a quote from a good friend who helped me out a lot through my own break up. She's the wisest girl I know and helped me to see things from the other (female) side. "The best thing you can do is pursue your dreams; the person that fits you best in the end will come along side and compliment those dreams. If she is that person, she will come back in her own time." Good luck man, we're here for you.

Hey all, New to this forum, but have been finding really good advice. I didn't really think about the NC thing before, but now see it as the answer to my prayers. Maybe a little backstory is needed before I get into my question. My ex and I dated for 2 years and broke up about 4 months ago. We were each other's first loves and as most first loves do, we thought we'd found "the one." We're both gorgeous, well off, got to travel the world, and basically lived a life our friends envied and dreamed about. However, all good things come to an end and she got to a place this past summer where she didn't like where her life was going and said that she needed time to figure herself out. If it was only that, this would be a much different story. She did have a lot of stuff happen to her this past year, I don't deny it, yet when she dumped me because she didn't feel like she could handle the commitment anymore, I felt like she was throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Sadly, even though I see now that she just wasn't ready for the type of relationship I wanted, I still feel that she's my soulmate. Anyways, I'd been pursuing her (stupidly I know now) since she broke it off between us, off and on for the past few months because I just couldn't grasp that we couldn't make this work. An e-mail here, a visit there, basically hemmorrhaging out my loneliness and love to her and leaving myself deeper and deeper in a hole of despair (sound familiar to anyone?). She originally responded well because in the beginning I said how I agreed with the decision, felt great about where I was at (I moved to LA for school), and hoped for the best for her. Of course, once she replied back saying how much she appreciated my understanding and missed me and thought about me, I totally lost it and instead of letting my absense speak for itself, aggressively pursued her. As we all know, this only serves to push the one we love away and this time it was no different. So, tired, frustrated, and more and more disillusioned with this concept of "love", I decided I would say my goodbyes on Thanksgiving and just be done with her. Of course, those goodbye calls never go as planned and what I wanted to be a strictly cold and indifferent conversation left me asking her why she was doing these things that she and I both knew were only wasting time and that she needed to come back to the only one who ever loved her for being her. I was a sad, sad, broken man. After failing once again and picking up what little dignity I had left, I decided no more goodbyes, no more contact, * * * * her, I'm done. So, it was hard at first, but I kept at it. And what do you know, SHE calls me about a week before Christmas. I didn't answer the phone (thank you eNotAlone!) and just let it ring. She left a message saying how she was in Boston (we'd been living there for school the past year) and thinking about me. She hoped I was doing alright and that my semester had ended well. She also said that she'd bought me a little Christmas gift she wanted to send and hoped to hear from me later. I left it at that because I didn't see any point in responding. So then comes Christmas Eve and I get a call from an unknown number. I didn't answer since it looked like it could have been from her. Then I'm going around in my head, thinking it is Christmas, if she calls me to wish me well, I can at least do the same. Let this be a lesson on how all our minds make it so easy to rationalize what we know is wrong. So I called her, find out it wasn't her who had called me, but that she was glad to hear from me all the same. Then she has to call me back since she's still with her family (which I find out later meant she was about 15 min away from my house, only adding to my pain). So later we talked a bit, just seeing how each other's life is going, and I'm constantly pulling myself away from crossing over that line of indifference into neediness. Then I'm asking her how Boston was and commenting about how life can be so unpredictable. I was like "Yeah, and to think that this Christmas I was going to give you that promise ring we had picked out." She pauses and then proceeds to tell me that during her little visit back, she went and bought it! At this I was speechless. Of all the things to bring up and of all the things she could've done to me, this was by far the most unexpected. So of course I asked why. She said that it meant a lot and wanted it for herself. A $500 souvenier? No way. After this, I just lost it. I go on some rant about what is that supposed to do to me and how can she go and do something like that while dating some guy who's almost 30 (she's 20) and basically just lost all the face I may have gained since Thanksgiving. After that, it really didn't get any better. I got into how I felt so betrayed about how she dumped me (she started seeing the 30 year old behind my back, but that's a WHOLE nother story) and told her that if this was the kind of life that she wanted, she was welcome to it, I was done. So that was my Christmas this year, fun fun. I felt like I'd broken up with her all over again because I knew now without a doubt that anything I'd been hoping or dreaming about before had been false and based on a distorted perspective (a.k.a. Love). But, at the end of it all, beyond all the bull * * * * and mistakes (on both sides) and everything, I ask myself "Why would she buy that goddamned ring?" To have a constant daily reminder of me and everything we had and promised to have would be insane to me, so how can she do it? I don't think about this as any further exuse to contact her. Once I get back home I'm sending her all of her stuff -- her love notes, her photos, her little trinkets -- in a package I'm contemplating calling the "Box of Lies" (only joking). I'm just left more confused as to her mindset and what that may mean for the future. Is she just a bundle of confusion and doubt and immaturity that I have to let alone or is she trying to play this game with me and my heart and wants me to continue fighting for her? My gut leads me to think the former. So hopefully you're still awake after reading all this. I could go on, but what to me is just more evidence of her state of mind is to you only more sentences to skim through. How do I solve this riddle of the ring? Just let it be and move on or wait and see what happens? Any input would be much appreciated. - arch1tekt85

Hey everyone, I'm was wondering if there are any instances where NC didn't work, but something completely opposite did. I'm talking about a huge, grand, romantic gesture that essentially knocks some sense back into the one you love making them realize why you are the only one for them. Something like recreating your first date, serenading them outside their window, buying them a new puppy for the one they lost, I mean, something! I know this wouldn't for everyone. Definitely not for those whose break-ups involved betrayal or abuse or some other form of deal breaker action. More for those ones that happened because of fear or doubt or uncertainty, that they're so close to realizing happiness, but don't trust themselves enough to let it be okay. Is doing something like this just opening a new avenue of hurt or is there some small chance it'll succeed? Looking for opinions or experiences, thanks.