Okay, let's be honest here, shall we?

[Kevin T]

For you ladies: How many of you actually approach men you like? I.e. how many of you will clearly (not through subtle, vague, ambiguous signs) let a man know you like him? How many of you will actually ask a guy out, that you like? How many of you will either give out your number to a guy (without him asking for it in any way!) or ask for his?

 

And for those who have done this/do this, what was the end result? Did it work out for you? What were some of the guys' responses to this? Did it feel awkward/weird or uncomfortable? Would you do it again?

 

And for the guys: What do you think about the idea of the ladies taking this step? Is it a good idea or not? Is it merely a fairy tale, with little basis in reality, or is it a new trend which shows promise for the less than assertive males out there? What are you thoughts on this? Have you ever gone out with a woman who asked you out first or approached you and talked to you first? How did that go?

 

Just wondering. Nothing more.

[TheRedQueen]

I've always had an assertive personality as well as a soft spot in my heart for shy guys. I could honestly say that close to 90% of all my romantic relationships, have been the direct result of my intiating interest in a guy. When I like a guy, for better or for worse, I make my interest known.

[Dako]

Kevin, my ex wife asked me out almost 30 years ago, and I had two other women asking me out about that same time.

Not a new trend at all.

 

I have no problem at all with it, and see no reason the pursuit needs to be assigned to one gender at all. In fact, after you go out with someone a few times, what difference does it make? If you get together and enjoy each other, you're both happy.

I suspect insecure women don't ask, just as insecure men freeze up.

 

The times I did the asking were usually worse disasters than the other disasters..

[TheRedQueen]

Every guy I have "pursued", has expressed gratitude for my, er...direct approach.

 

My most common "pick-up" lines are:

 

"I find you interesting, what's your deal?"

 

and..

 

"I think you're cute, we should hang out sometime."

[arwen]

Interesting question...

 

I think my first time the ex did all the works. That was also because his interest was bigger than mine in the beginning. So he chased me for a bit.

 

I dated a few others between that ex and the current man, and I usually would drop some hints like you said. I just love to be chased, can't help it!!

 

As for my current man... he was the one who wrote the email confessing his feelings for me (we had been housemates for 2 years at that point). But before that it was me who took the initiative to see each other more often, like going out for drinks and not just talk at home. I had no clue that the reason he seemed a bit stand-offish was because he was too shy to approach me. He was not at all like that around our other housemate so in fact I used to think that he thought I was a weird cow #-o

 

In 'normal' (non-romantic) situations I am pretty forward, but when it comes down to these things, I really like to be chased for a bit. But only in the beginning. I won't let a guy chase me if he already got my interest and triggered some feelings.

 

Ilse

[Dako]

My most common "pick-up" lines are:

 

"I find you interesting, what's your deal?"

and..

"I think you're cute, we should hang out sometime."

 

Those seem like pretty good lines. They'd sure perk my pony.

[bitbit]

i'm not really an outgoing person, but if i see something i want, i get it. around the time i met my current b/f i was talking to another guy (i asked for that guys phone number and called him the next day) and when i met my boyfriend, he initiated the flirting, but when i liked him i told him flat out in plain english "i like you." it's not that complicated.... i just did it.

[Daddy Bear]

My most common "pick-up" lines are:

 

"I find you interesting, what's your deal?"

 

and..

 

"I think you're cute, we should hang out sometime."

 

you should try "you fascinate me and i want to know everything about you." that could really lull some ego-deflated chump into thinking he's actually somebody special for a moment.

[_Jaffa_]

I never approach girls but I have had some approach me and I always wonder why....like what their ulterior motive is.....And then I get all shy and hardly speak and they get fed up and leave me alone again. In a way it's quite good though because if girls didn't approach me I'd probably never talk to the opposite sex.

[TheFallenShadow]

Frankly, i think that women in general, should say what they need to instead of assuming men pick up on the subtle things or what not. I know that i was married for 15 years, so when i started dating again, the subtle little things i didnt see or pick up on, caused me alot of grief, do to the fact the ladies thought i would just know....so be straight up in that area i think is the best, especailly for some of us knuckleheads that have been out of the dating seen for a while...

[denisemarie]

I'm way to old fashioned. I can't even look most men in the eyes much less ask someone out. I have been shy and akward all my life and I think I'm comfortable that way.

[Kevin T]

I am under the impression that despite all the hype we hear about today's liberated woman, that women still do not frequently take a proactive approach to initiating contact (in a romantic context) with men.

 

I could be mistaken, but I simply do not see much of it. As much as women may want this to be so, I fail to see it (and not because I do not look, because surely, I do). I also have heard of very few stories about success for women doing this. Heck, I haven't even heard of that many FAILURE stories either! It's just something that I'm not really seeing.

 

There will always be exceptions, as Dako and some of you have pointed out. And that's fine. But for the most part, I believe those are the exceptions to the rule, not the norm. I'm not saying it's good OR bad; just reality (as far as I have seen, at least).

[RayKay]

I have asked men out, and provided my number without them asking, and had some dates from it....I used to do it more when I was younger, but I have still done so in the last few years too.

 

However, to be VERY honest, the only times they have turned into long lasting relationships it was when they asked me out first. That does not however mean I take a passive role. With my current boyfriend I initially contacted him online, but it was him that asked me out officially a few days later. However, I was the one whom brought up the exclusive talk...but he was the first to say I love you...so I don't know, thinking back on it we both have taken turns about things!

[doyathink]

What do you actually say? Do?

 

Well Ross, It's all about confidence really. Show it in your body language.

[TheRedQueen]

Here's the way I see it,

 

In regards to mating, woman are, and have always been the more selective ones when choosing a mate.

 

For instance, when a man hits on me, I am not only unimpressed by his overture, but am usually turned off by it as well. Why you ask? Because most guys who hit on me, do so upon first meeting me, which leads me to believe that their interest in "me" is in fact nothing more than their being interested in the way I look. Thanks really, but no thanks.

 

I trust my ability to judge character better than I trust a guy's. That being said, I'd much rather actively engage in selecting a mate, than passively await to be solicited for sex.

[Dako]

Eloquently put.

 

So many women here whine about the kind of men they attract, as if they have no role but to look alluring and bat their eyes. That limits them to dating the more assertive guys, possibly including the players who will be so sweet until sunrise.

[Kevin T]

I would assume a woman hitting on a man upon just meeting him would probably be only interested in sex, as well. It works both ways.

 

And, pretending nature plays no role in things (which is clearly false), let's say that women deciding to play a more 'active' role in seeking out mates is a definitively good thing (I'm not saying it is good or bad), why does it no occur more frequently? I'm really wondering why this is.

[Dako]

An old fart's take:

Because people love to conform, especially when self-conscious.

Peer approval is a huge factor for younger people, yet at my age, it's hard to tell what's normal and acceptable, because it all blurs.

 

Young folks have to wear the fashions, know the pop music, current films and trite expressions. Conformity is all important.

Dating has strict rules and customs, unless people see it as baloney and keep their own counsel.

 

We do unnatural things every day. We brush our teeth, climb into a steel box and hurtle down the road, vote Repulican and watch TV.

Why stop there?

Natural predisposition ignores that we can choose.

[Kevin T]

lol@vote Republican

 

I'm Canadian, so those parties don't apply to us. (Well, maybe the Conservatives = Republicans, I don't know)

 

Anyway, you're right. Choice is huge and so is comformity to society's norms. But I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing, in and of itself. I find myself unattracted to overly assertive (maybe "aggressive" is a better term) women and I have not been known to be the most out-going guy there is. Sadly, I've had quite the history of being too timid and shy, especially with the ladies. So it may sound odd for me to say that, but it's how I feel.

 

If a pretty girl came up to me and was being coy, and subtle in her advances, that's fine. But if she were to be brash and direct, like asking me to get together after only five or ten minutes of talking to her, I'd have to turn her down. I'd find that to be too much of a turn-off; dunno why. Call it society, call it conformity, call it nature, call it what you will, but it just doesn't appeal to me. (Yes, this coming from someone who loathes being alone and would love to be in a relationship right now! lol)

 

I guess I either: Need to get off my butt and fix my own problem myself or just shut up and go away (lol), since I want to have my cake and eat it too!

[TheRedQueen]

Starting from a young age, guys are socialized to "act", whereas girls are socialized to "behave". Girls are often expected to be "nice", and "sweet", and this more often than not requires them to be passive.

 

Me, personally, I didn't even realize I was a girl until I hit puberty, so this probably helps explain why I happen to be an exception to the rule.

[Dako]

I knew a woman who once sat in my lap, kissed me with her tongue on my tonsils and asked me to ^%#* her in the #**.

I'd known her a while, she was very pretty, but I was out of there in a shot. I don't find that attractive in the slightest.

 

She married a lawyer.

[Kevin T]

Socialization is huge, as I said before. I was raised primarily by my mother and was quite passive as a child. But I can't sit back and blame my upbringing for who I am today. I have to take responsibility and do something. Being passive with women hasn't been of benefit to me, or them, so regardless of the past, I am forced to change or be miserable.

 

As for your question, if you asked her out and she didn't say she'd go out with you, I'd say she most likely isn't interested. Don't waste your time by asking again. If she doesn't like you, it is her loss, not yours.