he just sent me a letter

[selfi]

Rosie and stotcha how was your Xmas?

Mine went well (and I also got quite spoilt too!)

X hasnt written back as yet, but im not worrying (really im not!). Guess Ill take that as a "no I dont want to be in contact with you I just sent you that letter to load off excess guilt"

[Scotcha]

My Christmas was lovely. I found out I'm going to be an aunt (again)! Getting spoiled is nice, isn't it?

 

ps.. I like your attitude!

[rosie76]

Hi Selfi,

 

Christmas here was grand, thanks - lots of food and quality presents! Hope yours was not too bad, considering. It's good you're feeling ok with silence on his side - though it's still early days. Please do come back and tell us if you start feeling down he hasn't replied or if he does reply and it throws you.

 

For my part, I've not gotten a response in the (_very_ lightweight!) situation I'm in (or more likely not in), and am feeling positive that I've not checked his work's webpage to see if he's working and won't contact him again unless I hear from him. Fingers crossed for peaceful and rewarding NC experiences for us all...

 

Hang in there,

-rosie

[sillygurl]

Happy Holidays Selfi!

Sorry I missed a few days here, but I wanted to check in on you. Glad everything ended well and doubly glad Santa spoiled you!

 

SG

[selfi]

Happy NY to you too sillygurl!

Rosie - Im sure NC will definitely be a rewarding experience for you, not checking his webpage is a great step to freeing yourself, not long ago I used to check my ex's myspace every few hours, and now I had forgotten he even had one till just now!

 

Although this is a little off topic; I slept with the first person since Evan leaving me recently, it was a friend of whom has liked me for some time now but not someone I have any romantic feelings for. I do treasure him as a buddy. Although it distracted me entirely, afterwards a huge guilt wave came about, as I felt bad for what happened. (Things wernt helped when the friend I had sex with expressed his desire to have a relationship with me)

 

ANYWAY my ex sent me this email two days ago, I havent replied.

 

Dear XXXXX,

 

Hello

 

In more than an hour... or several it will be 2007, i hope you are surrounded by good friends and many drinks tonight. I'm goin to jacks house, he is having a hawaiin party, but im going to be rebelious and just wear what i want! i've been working a lot recently, at 10pm christmas eve i got called into work for christmas day at 8am, was very angry. Had to work boxing day for 9 hours and also i have to work tomorrow at 9am and then tuesday at 6am till 4pm. Feel like ive been dodged over a bit, but i spose someone has to work those * * * * days.

Hope you are well and i know you will be looking at the stars tonight, i will to okay.

 

Have a great night,

 

xo

E

 

ps. the larry david star wars thing had me laughing, i recorded it on my phone

 

ANY thoughts? All I can denote from it is that he took pretty much the exact amount of days to reply as I did and from the last "p.s" remark, that he still regulary checks my MySpace page

 

Thanks in advance as usual

[Scotcha]

Don't be too hard on yourself, okay? It happened and really, it isn't that big of a deal. I'm the type of girl that just can't move on emotionally until I've moved on physically so I tend to shrug things like that off. YMMV. Just stick to what you are comfortable with from now on and there's no need to feel guilty at all.

 

I don't see anything in the letter at all other than that he may be replying to your question about wanting to keep in touch. If you are ready to be friends with him that's fine.. But if you are re-reading this a thousand times trying to see something that isn't there I would put a hold on keeping in touch, at least for now. No sense in grabbing at straws.

 

The only "sign" I would ever take seriously, and even then I would take it very cautiously, is a very direct statement. "I want you back," to be exact. Other than that, well, I shurg those types of things off as well.

 

Happy New Year! Make it the best!

[rosie76]

Hi Selfi,

 

I agree with Scotcha - if the mate you slept with knew your situation and you've treated him kindly, then there's no need to feel guilty about that at all.

 

Re. the letter, I think I agree with her again. If you feel like you can just be friends, then that paves the way to it. If you don't, dealing with friendly - or even ambiguous - communications from him might set you back in moving on, which is what you need to do for both your sakes unless he explicitly says to you that he wants you back and both of you feel the conditions that led to your break-up have changed.

 

In my experience, trying to be friends before you're ready leads to reading mail like this over and over, wondering what he meant by that comment about looking at the stars at the same time you were, wondering if you can react in some right way that will make things alright again. I know that's what I did for YEARS when I was struggling to get over someone who felt a lot for me and wanted to be my friend (and sometimes more) but who did not really feel enough for me to be my partner. I know how hard it can be to turn away from someone who means so much to you, but I think that's what I should have done.

 

I'm always keen for honesty, though - so if he contacts you again or if just ignoring the message seems to harsh for you based on what your relationship was like, just tell him *briefly* that you're not ready. Since you asked if he wanted to be in touch, this seems fair to me.

 

Happy 2007 - hope it's a good one for you.

[selfi]

You guys are right- keeping in contact with him via email isnt healthy when I dont want to be his buddy.

I checked his myspace for the first time in a while and it made me instantly cry, which is a strong indication that any form of contact is only going to cut into me.

I really trully miss him.

The holiday season allowed me to push the sad thoughts aside, but today Im having a bad day

[rosie76]

Am running late, but wanted to say hello and to offer sympathy on the bad day. It's good you know where you stand in terms of not being able to be his friend right now - if there are too many of these bad days, it's time to wait. But you will heal in time and there will be nothing to stop you being mates once that happens properly. From his letters, it seems clear that he'll be a friend when you want him to and can be one.

 

Take care,

-rosie

[Thomas from Norway]

Hi, selfi!

 

Wow, you are really lost in him, aren't you? I have the same thing for my ex, so I think I know how you're feeling. But you have to si down and have a think about the chances of a long lasting relationship: Can you trust him to stay this time (if you got back together, of course)? What are the issues that tore you apart? What are the issues that REALLY tore you apart? Is the feeling still there on both sides?

 

Thomas.

[Scotcha]

I have an ex who dumped me years ago. Almost six years ago to be exact. Somehow I found his myspace and even though I am over him.. I don't like looking at it. It just reminds me of all the pain. Myspace isn't a good thing when it comes to ex's.

 

I am sorry you had a bad day. They come fewer and farther between and now that you know you aren't ready for a friendship they should decrease even more.

 

Look at it this way. The holiday season may be over but the year is new. Wipe the slates clean and get on with a fresh start.

[selfi]

Thanks very much as always Scotcha and Rosie. You lifted my spirits.

[Dorsay]

How are you? I broke up with my ex about 3 months ago. I didn’t return his phone calls and emails for a while. Right before Thanksgiving, he wrote me a very sweet and sincere email, almost like the one that your ex sent you. He wanted to see me and said he wanted to be friends. I broke my silence; I spoke with him and finally got my closure (as I didn’t say much during our break up.) I felt a huge load off my chest and I felt great afterwards. As I thought I would never hear from him again, I received a present from him. It’s a sentimental gift. I was overwhelmed and didn’t send a thank you email to him for several days. The holidays were tough for me especially I thought he could be hurting. I called him before the New Year. I am sure that I lifted his spirits but I felt and still feel rotten. I helped him heal but totally reopened up my wounds.

 

Now I’m convinced that I am in no position to help him. I’m not ready to be his friend. I won’t be contacting him for awhile and I am not going to analyze what he said and wrote anymore. I guess we have to take care of ourselves and try not to look back.

[ghost69]

selfi is very attractive. just gotta say. peace

[comfyshoes]

hey there selfi.

just thoought i'd share some of my own experience with you.

i've just been dumoed by the same woman for the SIXTH time!

each and every time her behaviour led me to feel more and more distant from her and thereforeee become more clingy and needy which always resulted in her breaking up with me. she would fliry with other women online and when we were together and continued to mantain an inappropriate relationship with her first girlfriend.

this last time wehn she asked me to take her back, her promises to change and become a better, more respectful girlfriend that i could build a future with seemed genuine. but she has conditioned me to be jealous and not to trust and that led her to dump me once again. for the final time. there will be no friendship, no chance of us getting back together. she's just gone form my life.

i've had it all before, the letters, the emails, the texts and the phone calls.

the same pattern each and every time.

it hurts like hell. and right now i can't see how i can live without her. but, i know that it will pass and i'll get better. i miss her and i still love her despite everything that she has put me through.

 

from an outsiders point of view, you cannot let this thing develope into a pattern. i let that happen and it got to the point where i never got the chance to heal between break ups. right now i'm still dealing with the fallout of the previous two, plus this one.

 

stay strong and do only what is best for you. despite the fact that the people who dump us might tell us it is because they care for us and don't want to hurt us, it's simply not true. i couldn't do that to someone i cared about.

 

good luck hun

 

shoes

[selfi]

Hi shoes and dorsay thanks for your insight, quite helpful and relevant to what im writing about today.

I havent been on the forum for a little while, as a friend of mine was involved in a horrific car crash that he barely survived.

Time is too precious to waste on my primarily self centered ex partner.

Ive come to the realisation that he isnt and never was, responsible for my happiness.

I do miss the wonderful times we had together and in some way probably always will, but this guy left me. TWICE.

This is not the type of person one should idealise and hold candles for.

No matter how 'nice' his letters were... what's the point in analysing them? As each day goes by, I miss him less and less. Our relationship was fantastic, but dumping the one you love over the telephone is anything but that.

p.s you made me blush ghost

 

- Selfi

[turqoise]

each and every time her behaviour led me to feel more and more distant from her and thereforeee become more clingy and needy which always resulted in her breaking up with me. .... but she has conditioned me to be jealous and not to trust and that led her to dump me once again.

Hi, i just want to say Comfyshoes, you have summed up pretty much what happened to me in my last breakup! That you have put it in words makes it make sense a bit more! Isn`t it weird, the more distance you feel the more clingy you get, and yes! you get conditioned to be jealous!! For a long time I thought that was my own fault, but this makes me feel like I`m not that much of a freak as my ex told me I was at the end. I was never jealous until I started going out with him, because he was jealous and suspicious of me all the time!

 

it hurts like hell. and right now i can't see how i can live without her. but, i know that it will pass and i'll get better. i miss her and i still love her despite everything that she has put me through.

Completely agree. In total it`s like a whole load of contradictions that you have to deal with at once , eh. I recently think that it makes it easier thinking that he did love me completely all that time, and that he still does. If I think that, despite all the things he said and did, it somehow feels easier to be apart. I guess because you just feel more secure, and able to let someone you love and who knows loves you, be?

 

lots of hugs to you selfi. glad you`re seeing the end of that tunnel

[selfi]

thanks turqoise, hugs to you too

...guess what? Ive met a wonderful guy. Well, not "met" exactly, he's been a friend of mine for nearly a year now

Its so strange how at one point I thought I could NEVER have feelings for another being ever again, and then one day Im here developing real feelings for another.

Im taking things very slowly, and not ready for any full blown relationship right now, but weve been spending alot of time together recently and its great to be happy and free again.

[rosie76]

Brilliant! Very glad to hear the good news, and good luck with it!

[Dorsay]

Selfi, I am glad that you're doing well. Just a thought-am I really missing my ex or am I missing having a relationship? Am I really sad over someone who mistreated me or am I actually sad over losing a relationship? Anyway, the pain has subsided quite a bit over the past 3 months but the sadness is still there. I hope very soon I'll be happy and free like you too.

[selfi]

Hi Dorsay, I dont think your pain is due exclusively to one factor only. Theres nothing wrong with having sadness over your ex, when I think about Evan I dont exactly feel great that he chose to finish our friendship.

I tried for months to romantisise the break up...what a silly thing to do.

Now I see that HE has opened up doors for ME! Through my break up I have strengthened friendships, discovered my own emotional strength, saved alot of money (!) and as an extra perk, have attracted a new man in my life.

You too will soon realise that it is our choice to be free, and it will happen when you least expect it!

[Scotcha]

Did I here you say the word's, "new man?" How fabulous!