Letting her Go/Giving her Space... Please Help

[krnelson2]

Ok, so I have been reading a lot of posts on here the last week or so and they have really helped me to clear my head. I have been desperately holding on to the girl that broke up with me and trying to convince her to come back for over a month now. She has told me numerous times that she just needs space. I have finally realized that that is what we both need. I wish I could have come to my senses earlier but to me what i was doing really felt like the right thing. But now I realize that it was just pushing her away even more. I am ready to give her the space she needs right now, but dont want to initiate NC completely. She is so confused right now and if she wants to talk I want to be able to be there for her, but I cant keep calling and sending her messages with no reply it hurts to bad. Is this a bad idea. I know that NC is pushed really hard on this site, but i really feel that my situation is very different. I plan on not talking to her for awhile until it feels right, but I am not willing to totally cut her out of my life. What do I do? My complete story is posted under the thread called "Please Help. I'm so confused". We both need to find ourselves before we can be together again. And I want this to be completely amicable and no hard feelings, but I dont want it to make her feel like I am totally walking out of her life and never want to talk to her. I am going to write her a nice letter for christmas detailing all of this, but anything else would help. Thanks a lot I really appreciate it!

[danman4968]

What good is calling someone who has no desire to talk to you? Leave her alone, if she wanted to talk to you...then she would call. I learned this the hard way. Oh, and by the way, dont try and convince her to come back...because if you do (like i did) then it wont be, or feel, right. It will just cause more hurt and prolong the time spent dwelling on the past. If you do want her back, give her the space she needs and let her contact you.

 

Tell her if she needs to call you...you are there and you will be, then just leave her be...thats what works best...in my opinion.

[Beec]

Do not write that leter, first of all. Otherwise, you just stopping calling and chasing her seems fine to me. I am all for NC when you need it for your emotions. When you can see the ex and be as cool as ice, then seeing them is not a problem.

 

Telling her how you feel will not change anything. Your feelings should not be expressed to her in the near future, if you want her back. Thinking your feelings will change things is rather self-centered, in my view. If you want her to feel differently, then treat her differently.

 

Also, got look at the free principles on link removed. We go for those people who make us feel special, wanted, give us emotional fulfillment, while they remain aloof and independent, not clingy and needy.

 

If you begin by being more aloof, and can remain friends, then you treat her in a way that gives her emotional fulfillment, WHILE YOU REMAIN ALOOF. Then you might have a shot.

[rose2summer]

If you desire space from her, there is no need to notify her with a Christmas letter.

 

Some people on this site follow low contact (LC), some follow no contact (NC), which one you choose to employ is up to you.

 

However, I will tell you that continually communicating with her is just bound to hurt you, because it keeps inflicting wounds, further preventing them from healing.

 

Hugs, Rose

[chai714]

The whole "need time to find myself" or "need time to figure things out" is nothing more than a cliche way of saying, "I don't want to be with you anymore."

 

Beec is right on regarding your situation. However, to me it seems as if you're still too emotional to have any kind of game with her. By game, I mean to be able to control your emotions and be able to make her feel a certain way.

 

I would back off a lot right now, not initiate contact and take some of her calls (not all of them). In answering her questions, I would give vague answers. For example, she says, "what have you been doing?" I say, "hanging with friends, keeping busy." No need for any further explanation.

[2tragic]

In my experience I have learned that Any form of contact after a break-up is always an invitation back. And if she doesn't want to come back she will just see it as a desperate plea and pity you....

 

Give her the space she wants . And make use of this time to learn to see how great you are with or without her. Get busy!

[BONO]

Give her the best gift in the world........ The gift of missing you.

 

 

I have said it time after time.

 

 

 

One aspect of NC - not the most important though but a key one.

 

 

Scruff

[papalazarou]

Dont try and convince her of anything for a start. Only speak to her when she contacts you. Dont contact her.

 

In the meantime as the others say...keep busy and when she asks what have you been up to...hanging with friends, getting on with hobby whatever...

 

Finally and most importantly no more letters or telling her how you feel!!!! SHE KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL YOU HAVE TOLD HER ENOUGH TIMES!!!!!

[whenamansloveisreal]

Thinking your feelings will change things is rather self-centered, in my view. If you want her to feel differently, then treat her differently.

 

wow i never saw it that way. ok. i just saw this as talking, nothing more - letting her know i am there if needed. it feels strange to be the one that has control of emotions because it was usually me in the past that couldn't. its funny how the male 'protection' mode kicks in automatically for me - its something i have always found great pride and satisfaction in. and to be honest, the more i have about her needing space and needing to control things tells me the woman i know is having many, many issues to deal with right now. i've seen her tackle 100 things at once - so, this must be serious. i'll drop the friendly banter with her now and let her find her strength inside.

 

good nite and stay kewl

[krnelson2]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I have decided not to write her a letter. That just seems so cliche right now to do this in a letter. I mean we are both adults now and if we need to talk we need to do it face to face. She has agreed to meet with me tonight to "talk". I just need to tell her to her face that I am ready to give her space, and that if she needs me that I am here but not as a backup plan or plan 'B'. If she wants to be with me I will wait, cause folks this girls really is worth waiting for. But I will not contact her after tonight, if she calls I might answer who knows. But I have felt like crap the last 2 months and its time for this to end. I have been completely unhealthy and its time to turn my life around, but I do need this one last chance to let her know I am still here for her if she needs me. I want to be as mature about this as possible. I will let her know that if a rebound is what she needs then I need to respect that, but I wont be around to see her get hurt again. I am going to try my hardest to make this a positive talk, becuase i think its whats best for both of us, but most importantly its whats best for me right now. IF she comes around I will be very careful to make sure that its something we both want. I have finally realized that I cant be with her right now PERIOD. If she is feeling this way how can we have a healthy relationship. I feel really foolish that it has taken me 2 months to figure this out, but I am willing to bet that I'm not the first I still want to see her on Christmas and maybe new years though, is that bad. I wont call her and ask her but if she contacts me is that ok? I have learned to let go through all of your help, and it really means a lot to me. This whole situation has taught me a lot about myself. SOme things I like many i dont. But it has brought me a lot closer to my family (something I have never really been able to do), and it has made me aware of many of the things I dont like about myself that I need to learn to change. Hopefully it has done the same for her and she can be happy. IF we are going to be together we need to learn to love and respect ourselves as individuals. Until then any relationship would be totally hopeless. Thanks again!

[Beec]

Well, I think this talk is a mistake. She knows how you feel. Talking about that won't help.

[krnelson2]

I realize this, but this isnt to let her know how I feel anymore, its more for my own closure. This is for ME! But if this is the last time I ever see this girl I want it to be face to face. I would hate myself if I just stopped talking to her and we never saw each other again. I realize that this may hurt, but it cant hurt anymore than what I have been doing, and after its over things will start to look up and we can both begin to heal. I have made up my mind about the conversation, but any advice about what to say, or better yet what not to say would be helpful. Thanks

[Beec]

Just have fun, enjoy the night, pay attention to her, make it easy and light, and then near the end, let her know that you know she needs space and you think you do too, and that this is it. We should and both need to keep our contact to a minimum for a while. End of story.

[Trab]

IF you want to be real cold, dont turn up. NOW THAT will make her wonder. If you want her back, and be honest to yourself, INITIATE NC!

[Trab]

Oh yeah, and if you do go, have a really long shower, have a briliant shave, andput on your best clothes. Dont let her see your weakness. If she wants anything to do with you, she wants a winner! So go do it soldier, but it's your last shot, so do it right! What would Clint Eastwood or Steve McQueen say?!?!?!

 

FEED YOUR EGO! DONT DISCUSS HOW YOU FEEL!

[krnelson2]

Well I did it. We met last night and talked for about an hour. She was hesitant to meet with me cause she was afraid we were going to have the same conversation we have been having over and over, but I made it clear that this would be different and the last time I brought the whole situation up. She agreed to meet me at a coffee shop, but there were too many people there and I didnt want to make her feel awkward so we sat in my car and talked. I did most of the talking and things got a little more emotional than I would have liked, but I got everything out that I needed to and I feel great about it. I told her that I have realized that everything I have been doing in the last couple months to try and get her back has been totally overwhelming her and pushing her away even more. She agreed. I told her I was sorry that It took me almost two months to realize that but it felt right at the time. I told her I was ready to give her space and that It would be good if we didnt talk for awhile until we were both completely comfortable with the whole situation. She agreed again. I think this is best for both of us, and will help me heal a lot. She cried a lot, and was really sweet about everything and seemed really sincere about everything she said. She sent a few mixed messages, like taking my hand and holding it, and telling me that it will be ok between us. But thats ok cause I wanted her to say whatever she was feeling. No more keeping things inside. I told her that I would be there for her if she needed to talk, but I would not be calling or sending messages anymore. I thanked her for not getting back with me right away cause now i realize that it would have never worked (thanks to this site). Its going to be really hard I know and I could use some advice as to what to do next or some inspiration from people who are a little farther down the road than me. I am still hoping she will call, but I no longer expect it and I think that is a big step forward even from yesterday. So what do I do now?

 

Oh yeah... Trab. I took your advice about the long shower and shave and everything. Very Good Advice!!! Thank you. It felt great to take a nice long hot shower and clear my head before all this. And wearing some nice clothes and looking good and healthy helped a lot. Especially for myself. Noone wants to see someone who looks like they are weak and struggling. So thanks!

[krnelson2]

Another thing that I am really proud of that I DIDNT do last night. I didnt tell her I loved her. I told her I still had strong feelings for her but not the L word. When we left we shared a long hug and I kissed her cheek. When I pulled away we both were looking at each others lips and I wanted to kiss her sooooo bad, but I didnt. And I think she almost wanted me to. But I am proud that I didnt give in to that.