Surrender?!

[Trab]

Hello everybody,

 

My name is Trab, and I'm new to this forum. I've read a bunch of very touching stories of people, and will defiantly reply to several of them. I want to help anybody, who feels as lousy as I do. However, I feel completely lost and would love any advice anybody could give me, I'm devastated.

 

I met N about 10 months ago, and our meeting was very magical and very strong indeed. Neither of us was really looking for anything, so it was all very cocky and light, yet intense. We started texting each other, and then we met up and there was this incredible attraction between us and we kissed and later on made love. We really liked each other but there were some issues, mainly that I'm 21 and she is 28. This prevented us from having a proper relationship, so we just saw each other once every other month or so and just talked and had a good, but not very close friendship, with the occasional kiss. She was in a 2 year relationship that was going very badly, and going on-off-on-off constantly and her dating other guys in between. I just got out of a 2 year relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious, so dating several girls suited me.

 

Contact dried up and for a while we didn't have contact, then once out of the blue I texted her, we met up, kissed, went out again the next day, and the next, and then one night, my best friend and I were out, and she was out with her best friend to and we met up, and we declared out love for each other. This is when we became a couple.

 

Pretty standard so far!

 

Things were beautiful! We had a few minor problems, like that her ex was still pursuing her, but this got taken care of. He is no issue. We stayed at each other places about 5 nights a week and we had tremendous amounts of fun, and the most unbelievable conversation. So! We were together for 2 months, and then she has to go away to Kazakhstan for work for a month! It was very upsetting, but a fact of life, so, we made the best of it. At this point we were very close, and even a little to close when she thought she may be pregnant, but she wasn't but it surely made us stop and think! We were very close, and we loved doing anything together. The sex was a bit of an issue, as I am very active and it’s very important for me. She on the other hand had very different views on sex, maybe the age thing here. Anyway, we had sex now and again, and we were both happy about it. Allegedly!

 

Of she went. Before she went I bought her a digital picture frame with pictures of some trips we made.

 

I had her apartment keys, and she only moved into there a couple of months ago and she’d done very little work in it, and I’m an engineer and love doing DIY, so I went crazy, fixed everything and built her a glass/aluminum fish tank into her chimney with full built in speakers etc. Its an amazing thing. Also, she had no bed, just a mattress, and she bought the bed of a friend before she left and I said I’d collect it while she was gone and rented a van and installed it and everything, and built an 80 LED automatic night light with motion sensor under it that would dimly glow at night is she needed the loo.

 

We missed each other tremendously and we texted about what we would do when she was back and how she wanted to marry me and have babies and all that. At least, we’d also spend Christmas and New Year together. I know how people say stupid things when they are in love! However, one night she called me, and asked me to move in with her. I never felt like that! It was the most incredible feeling. We kept emailing/texting/phoning, and then in the last week she got a little cold, but still great, but she was having a terrible time there.

 

A month passed and I was going to collect her from the airport. I saw her come through the gate, and she gave me the lousiest emptiest kiss ever. We spent the next two days together and she didn’t kiss or cuddle me once. She also treated me very badly.

 

Naturally, I assumed she met somebody else! Sadly, I was wrong. Why I say sadly? Because then I would have had closure! She’s always been very honest with me, and she tolled be 2 days after she came back, that she just didn’t feel any passion any longer and wanted to split. This complexly killed me, and she disappeared to a family where she used to live for a while for the weekend, not texting or calling, neither did I.

 

Being away from me and talking to friends, I honestly believed she’d realize the mistake and return, but later that night she phoned, and restated she didn’t want a relationship any longer, but she loves me and still wants to be with me always and have me around the house, but not in a romantic way. Later that night we agreed to meet up at her house, and we talked for ages and I kept my cool and tried to solve the problems. She however persisted, and then I said she just had to let me go then, bus she couldn’t etcetc!

 

OK! Pretty normal story so far huh? Well, the problem is not that she just doest have feelings for me any longer, but she has feelings for nothing. She’s only got 2 friends, has a very high stress job, is very unhealthy, doesn’t eat probably, and is constantly fighting with her best friend.

 

Normally, I would have let her go, take the kick in my gut and lived ion stronger! What doesn’t kill you tends to do that! I emailed her best friend and told her this entire story, and she was very surprised because she thinks we were a great couple. She then emailed N and she is very lovely and has decided to do anything to get her thinking right and wanting to be with me again, even though she says the chance is slim, and I need to not contact her and give her all the space she needs. She will wake up one day soon and realize what she through away. Her best friend acknowledges that she didn’t cheat on me, but says that’s she truly loved me, but as soon as she got back, she changed her mind. My idea it is that I was to nice to her and did to much!

 

Please people! I love her, and want her back, but if anybody can give me any help, positive or negative, it would be terrific. I’m completely immobilized, I cant sleep and I cant eat!

 

 

Trab!

[Bunney]

What is the point of getting her back when she doesn't want to be your g/f?

Stop all kind of contact with her and move on! She broke your heart, now you need to let her go. Its just not worth your time trying to get her back, its useless. Only way to get her back truly is for HER to come back to you.

 

Girls always want to remain friends, but that is just to help it hurt less (which results as the opposite)

 

My advice is to try and be more distant and just have fun.

Show her that she's the one missing out on a great guy. Don't dwell on this person who doesn't deserve you.

 

Best Wishes!

[laboheme]

About the only thing you can do in this situation is give her what she wants -- that is, the space she needs. It's very sweet of you to worry about her condition at the time, but she needs to get her life straight first before being able to fully commit to a relationship. In the meantime, you can do the same, so that you're in a good place for any relationships in your future. Unfortunately, calling her and telling her that she can come to you whenever she needs help, etc. won't make things any better. It will hinder your healing process and push her even farther away.

 

That said...I, unfortunately, highly doubt that she is going to come back, so don't count on it and go on with your life as you otherwise would. I may be getting the wrong impression, but it sounds like she appreciated you mostly for the things that you did around the house (and she said that she wants to keep you around the house in a romantic way? Of course, it's convenient to have a handy engineer readily available). What you said about being too nice to her could very well be true. Maybe she realized that her reasons for being with you aren't entirely right. Also, being away from you for a month may have made her realize that she's really not missing you as much as one ought to miss a significant other (not to say that it always happens, but it's possible that she saw it as a trial separation and didn't have much of a problem with it.

 

At any rate, the best thing to do is to take a step back. Many steps back, in fact. Try to steer clear of her best friend as well, since talking to her about the situation will make you look manipulative/stalkerish, not to mention that you'll never be able to remove yourself from the relationship.

 

I know this is very hard on you -- breakups are never easy -- but do try to take good care of yourself before you try to take care of anything else, including her. Browse around this forum for ideas on how to keep yourself occupied during this difficult time -- or SuperDave even posted recently on how to get yourself out of bed in the morning when all you want to do is hide from the world. Hang in there, and we're always here to listen if you need it!

[maladjusted]

i agree with bun and lab in that you just need to give her space and time and start focusing on yourself. you need to step back from the situation and clear your head. right now you still have all those mixed feeling in your mind that is causing you to think about getting her back. once you give some time to yourself you will start to see clearly and tell yourself you are better off without her. at least you didn't move in with her or start working on a family yet because this might have happened later in the relationship when you would have grown more attached. i know it is hard to accept right now but sometimes things work out as a blessing. i guarantee if you look back at this in about 6 months or a year from now you will realize that. right now take care of yourself and your own needs.

[Trab]

Thanks guys! You are all so wise!!

 

It's starting to settle in now. I still want her, but I know I shouldn't. She really killed my pride. I'm going to sleep soon, and have turned my phone off. Not that she will text me, but because I keep looking.

 

I feel really wr with all your care. IT's amazing, I've never seen anything like it on the internet.

[Benson]

Almost the same thing happened to me man... All of a sudden 'i feel nothing for you'... Im going through such a terrible time now as well... As Bunny said, SHE is the one that is losing out.... The only way 2 even have a chance at getting her back is to leave her alone... I'm going through it right now and its not easy at all... I rather trade drinking/smoking for a chance to hold her once more, but I know that she needs space and time to clear her head/life up and grow up a little as a person... And whats the point on trying to be with someone who, ultimately doesnt want you in a relationship with them....

[Trab]

I've only had NC for 20 hours now and I couln't sleep and I haven't eaten for 3 days now. I come from a very strong Teutonic family ( yes, that is sad) and I haven't been able to talk to anybody except you great people here on the forum. Howver, I'm completely broken, so I'm going to talk to one of my best friends mothers. Hope she can get some sense into me. God, I still love her so much and would do anything for us to return how it was. I can't accept it was the most beuatifull thing last week and now it's like this.

 

Thank you for anything you have told me. I feel really special that you care. YOu are all to kind

[whenamansloveisreal]

well, people shouldn't play with a man's real love - when he gives it take it all. these games of push and pull are nonsense. i want this woman back - if she can't handle this love - then she needs to say so and not lower each other like this. since june i have worked my * * * * off and i am ready to work on a plan, if she isn't then she will never be but i know she is - and we rawk man! come on nun - shout out.

[Trab]

Just completed first full 24h of NC. It's been very hard, especially with the thoughts of Christams coming up, which I will now only be celebrating with my parents.

 

I felt really good an hour ago, but feel terrible now. I still think bout her, and where we went wrong, I don't want to. I love her more then myself, and thats wrong.

 

I'm scared she'll be with a new guy very soo, she's like that. God, I'm pathetic.

[Trab]

This was her last message, i never replied to it. Anybody have any clue if it leaves an apoen window (considering i dont break NC?)

 

i'm there all the time - any time for you, Trab. I promise. I can't give it a go now - i'm exhausted. I cam back feeling like my territory has been invaded rather than terribly happy for your taking responsibility for everything. I am sorry, and I do love you but I can't go back.

x

[Trab]

Sorry about those last to wussy messages guys. I feel great. Been listening to music, got in touch with old buddies! TO ALL OF US!

 

- GET YOURSELF BACK ONTO SOLID GROUND!

- GET BACK TO LOVING YOU, NOT HER!

- ROME WASN"T BULIT IN ONE DAY!

 

WE ALL ROCK!

[Bunney]

I'm happy for you I hope you forgot about her now. And don't stop NC.

[Trab]

yes, its been 48 hours of NC and i cut contact of with her friend. I'm getting there. Slowly, just the memories and the festive season.

 

NC is for me, not me getting her back! That is what I need to realize! IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

[Goldeye]

I'm sorry it sounds like you're having such a hard time, but it's good that you're doing better now than before. It gets easier eventually, and in the end no matter what happens you'll be a stronger person for it.

[Juliana]

I think she has issues, but working them out isn't your job. It's too bad she just felt invaded when all you were trying to do was be supportive, but people are in all kinds of different stages in their lives, and all we can do is treat them as honestly and best we can, hold our heads up, and deal with things as they come. You sound like a good person who's able to be generous and love someone; I hope you meet a decent girl who is less insecure about her space.