Getting over the realisation that your life probably wont be considered "normal"

[IntoTheFire]

Hows it going?

 

I've recently (after lots of confusion and deliberation) kinda admitted to myself that I'm probably not entirely straight. I think I fall under the category of bi more than anything else, as I wouldn't say I'm totally not into guys, but there is still a definite attraction to girls there.

 

Anyway, I haven't told any of this to my parents/family as we're not a very close-knit one, and we don't really talk about things like that. I don't think they'd freak out about it or anything, but I still don't want to tell them for now. A couple of my friends know. One, because I just came out and told her, don't know what made me do that, but it just happened (and I'm glad it did). The other one, we spoke about it when we were both really drunk last week. She & I don't restrict ourselves to just being friends, we've kissed quite a few times - infact we seem to do it everytime we're out together - so I have a feeling she's probably bi too. She's told me that she is attracted to girls and everything, which strengthens my thoughts.

 

I feel like I'm rambling a bit here, but what I really wanted to ask was, did anyone else ever think "God, suddenly it's possible that I'm not gonna have the default lifestyle. I suddenly might not get married to some great guy, have kids, a car and a mortgage. Maybe my parents'll never get the grandchildren from me."? Do you get over realising that what most people consider a normal life will not necessarily be your life?

 

I'm sooo Charlotte from Sex And The City. When I was 8 I was planning the kids names (and the husband's name too, for some reason), planning where I was going to live, my dream job, dream car etc etc.

 

I'm not sure that any of this will make any sense to anyone, as I feel like it's been the most poorly constructed post ever...but hopefully someone can understand my point here.

[RayKay]

Hmm, what is normal really?

 

My brother is gay. Him and his partner have been together for about three or four years now, live together, support one another through school and work, are part of the family and loved beyond words, have an apartment and are saving for a house one day, they fight over silly things and big things like any couple, plan on adopting children or finding a surrogate (they have had volunteers), may or may not get married, have tons of great friends....have normal jobs, dreams, likes, dislikes. They have both had their heart broken, or experienced unrequited love, pain, loss, joy, great love, and strong like, and doubts and confusion.

 

Yup, seems pretty normal to me Pretty much same way I live, and my sister lives at least....

 

No life is a "default". We all live it in our own way. Even those whom are married with kids are all very different from one another, you would be surprised what goes on beyond closed doors sometimes...

 

Granted, there were some difficulties, I know my brother battled a long time with whom he was, and turned to some rather harmful addictions as he tried to figure it out...but he has come a long way and is wonderful.

 

Why am I telling you all this? Not sure, it is not really your question, but I just want to say that your life is what it is, mine is what it is; and sometimes having expectations of what it is "supposed to be" do more harm then good: we can do what is best for us, and live to our best and what is right for us but we cannot be someone else...so why try or compare?

[IntoTheFire]

Yeah, that's very true. Life is what it is.

 

Sounds like you have a very nice family unit there, that's really cool.

 

I think the only thing that bothers me is that I find girls MUCH more attractive right now than I do guys, but at the same time, I very much doubt I could ever end up with some girl for life. It's like I will eventually NEED the husband/kids/car/mortgage deal sooner or later.

 

But you are very right, it's silly to compare anyone with anyone else.

 

Thanks.

[aquatic]

I think I'm still in the process of accepting I might be attracted to women. As of now, I'm not that sure if it's necessarily a sexual attraction (as opposed to an aural attraction? does tht make sense to you?), but at the most, I would probably be bi and not a lesbian.

 

It is quite funny how when I was younger, to even consider being gay was so taboo. We'd tease my cousin who we suspected might be gay, and basically anything gay was strange. But now, imagining myself finding a perfect partner (who might happen to be a woman) doesn't seem so complicated or abnormal. I don't know if I'm just simplifying it because I haven't actually fallen in love with a woman yet.

 

Maybe it's (relatively) not so life changing for me as it is for you because I never went through the wedding/children's names phase. Maybe it's because I never had an idyllic view of marriage. I mean, if I find the perfect man, great, but if not, okay. I just wanted to find what would make me happy or make life meaningful. I was and am overcontemplative that way.

 

Probably the question I ask myself is, since I know I can commit to both man and woman, would I be tempted to choose a man just to not complicate life and be content with whatever level of happiness that affords me. Will see what I get there, I suppose...

[itsallgrand]

Do you mind if I am very honest with you here?

Ok. I'm going to be.

 

I saw your title, expecting something a little different. I read and get to the part where you say you are realizing you are probably bi and thought "Oh Geez, is that it? That's nothing!"

 

I understand that it is not nothing to you, and that it seems pretty big.

Still, for context, I thought I would share that thought of mine.

 

I knew I was attracted to both guys and girls as a teen. Grew up in a small farming community. Not exactly the most tolerant, or diverse of places.

As a teen I felt 'not normal'. Still do to some extent.

Not because of my sexual preferences though. Because of other stuff.

Other 'horrible non normal' stuff that I am now slowly coming to realize is not so uncommon or unnormal as I thought.

I am finding others who have been through it too...have the untraditional life stories and life styles to prove it...and who I don't find particularly weird.

In fact, some of those people are my friends.

 

My sexuality was never an issue for me, and it was on the table since I knew about it. It hasn't caused me any pain. I sometimes wonder if that is because I never saw it as anything but normal and fine.

 

I do understand the worries about meeting a wonderful woman who you progress with to the point of not wanting to let her go out of your life: and so, no hubby or kids made the old fashioned way in a marriage.

 

Don't worry about that now, is all I can say. Don't let it ruin your chances at happiness.

None of us know how happiness will be delivered. What package, what life will give us. Some of it is a surprise.

 

You don't have to make all the big decisions now. You can decide to simply let it all unfold. To find out for yourself what works, and what doesn't for you.

You can trust yourself to find your own happiness!

 

I know I am blabbing a bit here, but thanks if you are listening. More and more I live and breathe through times of feelings of 'not normal' and those times resolving themselves somehow (don't ask me the details of how! i don't know lol)...the more and more I really do get that we are all human through and through.

 

If you are human and you breathe, you are normal.

 

take care

[Aschleigh]

I am straight, I just turned 30 and I am so charlotte too. And I am not married and don't have kids and it might not happen. Everyone regardless of sexual orientation has to get used to the real possibility we will not have that "normal" life we all see on TV and the movies.

I have seen my Mom be married three times and that as much as anything has turned me off to marriage. I still want kids but there is no father figure in my sights.

Life is what we make it, every day is new and up to us to make.

There is NO normal. You will find your stride.

[buddafleye]

Oh man... can I just say how much it annoys me when people talk about this "normal" life we're all supposed to have? Getting married, having 2.4 children, a big house, a white picket fence, a dog, yadda, yadda, yadda, is NOT normal. I mean, haha, yes, it is normal, but it's not the ONLY normal. My god, the media has us so well trained. You've been trained/brainwashed to think like that. We're socialized to believe the only right thing is to be straight and to lead these perfect little lives, but that's just not the case for a lot of people.

 

Even people who are in these supposedly "normal" situations... they aren't happy! Look at divorce rates, etc. You have to do what makes YOU feel right. Of course that's tricky because you *think* you feel it's right to have a husband, kids, etc, but you wouldn't think that if it hadn't been pounded into your head since birth through the books you read, the movies and tv shows you watched, etc, etc. Religion is a HUGE factor as well. You live in a predominantly Christian country where Christian beliefs created your laws, insitutions, etc.... but not everyone fits that mould, you know?

 

LOTS of people have feelings for the same sex. I'm so convinced of it that I think EVERYONE has feelings for the same sex. Some are more willing than others to explore it. People are scared to talk about it because the second they do they think people are going to treat them differently. And they most likely will... because they've been socialized the same as you.

 

But please oh please stop saying having a husband, kids, house, etc, is the only normal way to live.

[Deviant_Kate]

I feel like I'm rambling a bit here, but what I really wanted to ask was, did anyone else ever think "God, suddenly it's possible that I'm not gonna have the default lifestyle. I suddenly might not get married to some great guy, have kids, a car and a mortgage. Maybe my parents'll never get the grandchildren from me."? Do you get over realising that what most people consider a normal life will not necessarily be your life?

 

Well, after a while you realize you can still have the kids, the car, and the mortgage, just with some great girl instead. I feel like life is going to be a little more difficult than it would be if I was straight (although I'm sure straight couples have their own bag of problems), because I have to be discreet about my sexuality around people I don't know that well because I don't know how they'll react. But as for my home life - it IS normal, or at least it feels normal to me.

 

We cook, we clean, we go out to dinner, we walk the dog, we feed the cat, we go grocery shopping, we watch movies, we send a holiday card to our property manager, we hang out with our friends, we go to work, we go to school...All very normal things.

 

So you might get some weird looks if you're holding hands at the grocery store - that doesn't mean you can't have the life you've always wanted. Just...with a woman. And in my experience, between men and women, women are better in bed .