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missing chemistry and emotion with my wife - feedback please

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I really don't know how to put this, so I'll just blurt it on out...


Male, 29, married for 6+ years and together mostly for 12+ since high school. I've never felt chemistry between my wife and I, despite a fantastic sex life when we were young. A couple years ago I started having panic attacks and nausea when my wife and I were intimate. A counselor says it's PTSD from childhood abuse from a borderline and bipolar mother. I also have bipolar disorder.


I have these long days where I ache for emotional and physical connection with another woman. I would give almost anything to curb these desires and feel content with my wife. I feel as if I'm doomed to live the rest of my life without emotional connection and fulfilment. Which, is difficult because my wife and son are wonderful people and I have an amazing life otherwise. My wife and I are good partners otherwise.


So, my wife and I have my mental illness to overcome. Plus, she's pretty non-sexual and can be distant and cold. I'm much more amorous. For years I thought if I could convince my wife to fulfil her fantasy of having sex with another woman that I could, at least momentarily, feel connected to a girl we were both friends with and having sex with. I'm getting a lot of feedback that this might not be a good long-term fix.


So, I'm looking for advice, help, feedback. There are so many angles to this - my PTSD, my wife's lack of sex drive, our past, normal marriage issues, lust, bad partnership to begin with?, normal young guy lust etc... We've made progress for the last six months or so - but, I'm often left empty inside.


Thanks for your time,



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Hey JP-


Well, I would say first of all share this post word-for-word with your therapist. Then if you aren't already doing so, I would seek counseling as a couple, you and your wife together.


Aside from that, perhaps focus on what you do have in your relationships, the positive things you each bring to each other's lives, and work on letting yourself be happy and content on this basis.


No relationship is perfect and many times overcoming problems together can bring you two closer together...if you allow yourslves to do such...


There is enough in your post that leads me to believe more and/or different therapy/therapist could help both your relationship out and help yourself out for your relationships no matter who they are with.

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My guess would be: You chose a cold and distant partner because you needed someone who could provide you with emotional stability, someone non-reactive. She's doing that. You feel no emotion or chemistry with her, because those things have been dangerous for you in the past, so you shut yourself down/off in order to deal with it. I believe the fantasies of being with other women may be connected to control issues you might have...but I'm less certain of that than the other two points.


Don't give up hope. Possibly if your wife could learn to make a couple of adjustments in your personal life outside the bedroom, that might translate to more chemistry, without involving sex, necessarily. Half the fun of sex is simply wanting the other person. Given how much you have had to deal with, I think this is an issue where communication, with your wife, and with a therapist, will do you the most good.

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First things first. Who doesn't have a form of PTSD to some degree? Therapists like to pin this label on so many ppl.


Secondly, are you taking your meds properly for your bipolar? That is very important too.


I wonder if some of her 'non-sexual' issues have came about because of your mental issues?

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Thanks all - lots of good info that I'll need to chew on for a while.


FYI - I'm pretty disciplined about my bipolar treatment. Meds, sleep, diet, exercise, stress, etc. Maybe everyone has PTSD, but my wife doesn't get nauseated or have attacks when she kisses me. I think it's just another challenge to be overcome. I love the idea of overcoming our challenges together and maybe that will bring us together.

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Hi babe, ok - it sounds as though you did have good sex to start with so its not like there was something missing in the beginning. Secondly, my sister has bipolar and she is the most highly sexed person i have ever known - i'm a bit jealous! So what i would day is that i think your desires are conneted with your mood - not your relationship, and maybe your moods are affecting your ladies desires - it is effing hard living with sonmone with mood swings - at least you have a diagnosis - whats my excuse???? Also, living with a veryu highly sexed person puts wyou on edge - you feel like a performing seal - whats romantic about that. Maybe pretend you don't want it? Stop talling about your fantasies and if she wants a cuddle, try and see it for what it is and not an epilude to sex - us women know!! be clever and try diffenet tacticsxx

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