OK...maybe he does...

[survivor3]

He just left from here. Called me about 7 and said he wanted to come by and talk. I wasn't really prepared for that and asked what he wanted to discuss. He said it was either a yes or no answer, so I said OK, thinking it may be about settling finances and such.

 

Nope.

 

Crying. Apologies. He is distraught about the news his mother received from her cancer specialists this week....not good....I feel awful for him. We cried together and I just held him. He says he doesn't know what to do about anything and that the only time he feels somewhat normal is when he is working. I didn't really know how to respond to that.....

 

He asked me several times if I wanted to be married to him. Told him I want to, but I can't. I can't trust him. And I can't love him into sobriety, honesty, or anything else. Wish I could..... He basically said that "can't" was not an answer and wanted to know if what we have/had was so "minute" that it could not be salvaged. What the hell was I supposed to say to that?

 

I never really answered any of his questions. I am hurt and confused and really torn. Again I wish it were all true, but past history has proven time and time again that it is great for a while and then goes to crap. He wants me to "forget" the past and let's try to fix things. But I CAN'T forget. I've never forgotten. Forgiven maybe. But I have never forgotten.....

[Aschleigh]

You know this relationship is over. It's sad about his Mom but don't let him use it to get back with you.

Procede with the divorce if you know that's what you want.

[doyathink]

Hi survivor,

Man, what a tough night huh? No need to rush this. The door to leave is always there....you can get a divorce anytime your ready.

 

How about you take some time to yourself and really think over the situation? Take all the time you need...so that when you are at the point where you know exactly what you want.....you can do it with a clear head.

 

forgiving is sometimes easier than forgetting, if you cant at least put these things in the past....you wont be able to continue the relationship, it just wont work. I KNOW! and you do to. Think about whether your capable of starting over ....from a new day forward, if you cant.....no use it trying.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world....keep us posted, we're here for ya.

[survivor3]

Needless to say, I didn't sleep very well last night....I don't know what was worse, thinking he didn't care or having him squalling in the livingroom begging me to do a legal separation instead of a divorce.

 

At least I got what SEEMED like a genuine apology from him for hurting me over and over for the past 3 years. God, how I wish that all of his promises were true! But I know that it is only temporary. Things would be fine for a month or two and then we'd be right back where we always end up.

 

I hurt so deeply for myself and him. I never wanted anything other than for this marriage to work. I just don't see how it could at this point though. I can't believe anything he says and I can't depend on him to do what he says he will. He has proven time and time again that his promises of sobriety and leaving the porn alone don't mean anything. I ache for him and the fear and desperation he has about his mom....I just HATE this whole situation!!! :sad:

 

He told me last night through sobbing tears that he is so sorry for hurting me again and again. And he said "Please don't blame yourself." Of course, then I was a mess....told him I have done everything I can. I have given him everything I have to give. I stood by him through thick and thin, supported him, encouraged him, loved him when he couldn't love himself, trusted him when I didn't think there was any more trust in my soul......

 

But I can't make a marriage work alone. And as much as I love him and want more than anything to be with him, how can a marriage survive without the essential component of trust?! It is just so painful to know that we love each other more than anything but can't be together because of his decisions and actions. How the hell did I get myself into this mess??? ](*,)

[doyathink]

Addicts are full of regret and remorse. Until they seek help and truly make positive changes in their life....nothing gets better.

 

Has he had any counseling? Has he done any 12 step programs? What has he done to help earn your trust back?

[survivor3]

Actually, he completed a 30-day inpatient program back in 2004 and went to local AA mtgs for a few months, but there are no NA groups in our area and the AA folks were not very welcoming to him b/c he is not an "alcoholic". He has been to a therapist off and on for the last year, but who knows how honest he was about everything...

 

He came over Sunday to pick up copies of the current bills that I made for him. I wanted to just meet him somewhere, but it didnt end up working that way. He asked me several times if I was OK. Told him Of COURSE I'm not "ok"! Are YOU OK about all of this?! He just said he doesn't know what he is. I told him how much I hate it that we love each other so much but he has made it impossible for us to be together. And I asked him Why. Why couldn't he just stop the porn and drugs when it mattered? First he said he didn't know. Then he said he just never felt the need to. That was followed with "Maybe it's a problem, maybe not. I just don't know" So There's my answer!!

 

He STILL doesn't think it is a problem!! He tells me "This family functioned great for MONTHS, we got along better than we had in a long time..." I think he said more, but I stopped listening. All I could think was "So if I had been having an affair for 6 months and you didn't know, but we "got along" fine then it would be ok for it to continue?!" He did say that he could tell me everything I *wanted* to hear but that it might not be the truth. I think that was the ONLY truthful thing he said the entire time.

 

The conversation ended when he told me he was not "mature enough" to have this conversation. Told him that was convenient. What an . He was mature enough to marry me three years ago!! He was mature enough to tell me he wanted to start trying to have children!! He wanted me to wait until he could talk to the therapist....guess she has a crystal ball? Oh yeah....he just doesn't know who he is...he needs to find out who he is. ? Maybe I should tell him!

[dierberg]

I am sorry you had to go though that. I think I either heard or read that when you experience big problematic issues, and you go back to the relationship, you go back at a different level. Sounds tough, but maybe standing your ground will force him to work on his issues, which might lead to reconciliation.

[survivor3]

Yay ME! What a great freaking day....Supposed to be our anniversary today...

[doyathink]

Survivor,

How are you feeling about this now? Have you came to any decisions yet on what you want?

[survivor3]

Well, if it were up to me he would not put porn and drugs before our marriage, control his spending, and stop lying all the time. Unfortunately, he still does not think it is a problem - other than the fact that I have a problem with it....

 

I just don't think there is any way to make this work. Every conversation I have with him is still filled with contradictions. I just think he is out of control.

 

I am upset, however, that I will be spending Christmas alone. And by alone I mean that I do not feel that I can go up to my parents' home because he has encouraged me to go. I fear that if I did, I would return to an empty house. Right now, there is no legal framework in place to prevent him from backing a Uhaul up to the house and clearing everything out to either sell or furnish whatever place he gets/has. And I can hear him telling a buddy or two that "Yeah, this is what we agreed on, thought it would be easier. She was supposed to leave me a key, but I guess she forgot." And they would believe it. I have no idea how he can be so convincing when common sense would tell otherwise. Yet I have certainly "allowed" myself to be convinced for 3 years...

 

I guess all I can really do is find an attorney after the holiday and have the papers drawn up. At least that will give me time to work up the settlement arrangement in full. I can't really think of much more positivity right now....

[doyathink]

It doesn't sound as if things are getting any better then they were. Can you file a restraining order on him to keep him away from the house? Can you change the locks? It's a shame you will miss christmas with your family becasuse you have to stay and guard the house.

 

Everything he is involved with is leading him downhill and he is unable to see that. You would be better off closing this chapter, you cant change this person....he sounds to far gone.

 

Have you tried to go NC with him? I think if I were in your situation, I would not have any contact with him...it hurts but seeing him and talking to him seems to be worse.

[survivor3]

He wants to spend the holidays with his family, especially his mom because of her declining health (melanoma) and he is DEFINITELY not on my parents' or brother's list of people they would like to see right now. I think to try to spend the holidays with him would be awkward and not at all healthy for me right now.

 

My folks are pretty upset that I won't be there,but they are also the ones who pointed out that his encouragement of my going there for the long weekend is certainly not due to any concern he may have for me. The fact of the matter is that he has shown he cannot be trusted....though I have a promise from my mom that we will have "Christmas in January" or Feb., or whenever I can get up there after some legal framework is in place. She called about an hour ago to tell me that Santa is bringing me a package UPS tomorrow but that I can't open it until Christmas and even then I have to call her while opening it! hehehe

 

It really hurts, though, because D. (16 y/o) will be with his mother, so I really will be all alone. And this will be the first Christmas in 27 years that I have not spent with my family. Considering how close I am to them, it is just really hard.

 

I spoke with my husband earlier this evening as well. Was the first I have talked with him since Monday. He seemed fine enough, I asked him what progress had been made on the bills I made copies of for him....he said he had made partial payments on most and would be paying more after getting his paycheck tomorrow. Then said he would come by and give D. and I some money. I just told him I would rather he put it towards those bills right now. To be honest, I just don't really want to see him....

 

He said he took his sister (who is special needs, btw) home from his parents' house Tuesday and told her that we are separated. I wasn't thrilled with that, since his mother really didn't want her to know until after the holidays, which are difficult on her anyway. He claims that she handled the news extremely well and that "my mom will never know that I told her. She even said 'Yeah, Mom doesn't need to know that I know.'" Ridiculous, really....not sure why he felt the need to do that. Again, to me it shows a complete lack of regard for how his actions may/do affect others around him.....He just doesn't get it at all.

[survivor3]

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas!

 

I didn't hear from him at all over the weekend....not even a "Merry Christmas even though we are splitting....". Nothing.

 

His friend remarked to him that he did not have to be so cold towards me and he said "Well, I don't love her." His friend told him that was an awful thing to say about the woman who has been nothing but good to him, and he just said "Well, I don't."

 

Ouch.

 

I don't know that I really miss him, as weird as that may sound...the house is nice and quiet and calm...no tension. No wondering what kind of mood he will be in, etc. I guess it just hurts to know that he really doesn't care about me. I have been trying to call an attorney all morning. Guess everyone is still recovering from the holiday. I think I am just ready for this to be over. I stayed up late the night before Christmas Eve looking at finances and trying to come up with a figure for him....still, I want to retain counsel before presenting it to him.

 

If I can get some financial help so that I can at least live (with my bills payed preferrably), then I think things will be fine. At least emotionally. Maybe I was just trying to rationalize in my mind divorcing him. I know that I haven't trusted him for the past 2 3/4 years. Maybe that is why I feel so relieved. Not that he is not doing anything self-destructive, but I don't feel that I can't go to sleep in my own house for wondering what he will be up to. Does that make any sense at all?

[survivor3]

Well, I finally have an appt. with an attorney, so I feel somewhat better to have that out of the way. Can't get in to see her until next Thursday though...

 

Just wanted you all to know that I was informed by my STBX that the reason all this is happening is "Because he just doesn't want to be married." And to boot, he "is ridding himself of a responsibility he doesn't want." So, that's what I am to him....

 

Doesn't seem to keep him from talking to a girl who lives 1000 miles from here who is (supposedly) engaged to be married, though. On a DAILY basis. He called her twice on Christmas and God knows what kinds of pics he has been sending her, but considering they were sent in the wee hours of the morning....I can only imagine!! So I wonder....is it that he doesn't want to be married? Or he just doesn't want to be married to ME??