awake

[elithepi]

I've got to stop calling. I've been the only one to initiate contact for the past two weeks. She still talks nicely and supportive. I have a hope for new years which I know is false.

I'm scared. very much so.

We didn't break up hard. She just set me down. I loved her more.

I miss her skin, touch, hair, laugh, company, everything.

I'm tired. We learned to share so much truth. But I just can't handle this truth.

Sex is secondary. I just want her. To hold and love. I miss my best friend.

Superdave said it best, from 100% intimacy to 10% friends.......!?

From sharing a bed and laughing one day to never hanging out again!?

I miss my friend.

I want to cry but I just can't.

I have too much hope.....way too much....

I never knew she was feeling pressured until the day the earth stopped.

Seems like yesterday.

I have had days off at new years to spend with her.

Still do but I'm scared to ask to see her. The rejection.

NC will start for today...I hope..one day at a time.

I just get excited and want to share it with her. Tell her about the stupid bird hopping outside my window. The frog with the big bug in his mouth. The heavy soupy fog we've had. I'm far from her, 250 miles.

I'm falling in a hole. I'm going to want to call her today cause she is my friend.

What do I do if she is my only friend? My closest. Our relationship was first based on that. Sex is secondary.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

The wound is still fresh it is ok to feel this way. There will be some relapse sometimes.

 

But you have to stop hoping that she will come back because it stop you from healing.

 

Do NC. Take baby step and keep your mind busy.

[elithepi]

I feel that I will do NC for the wrong reason. Not to heal but to get her back.

I know it's for healing but in the back of the mind it's for her to miss me.

It's time for her to be up now. I've called every morning and yes, she's asnwered.

I want to call this morning.

I want to say good morning. But, but waht if I don't today. Will she call. Will she not. Then there is today. then tonight. Then tomorrow morning.

I want to call.

Luckily I have a kick * * * job to do today, but it's one that I last did while I was with her and it impressed her. So Mind can be kept off her but then again I want to call and remind her. Impress her. I continue to find reasons to call.

[elithepi]

o.k. Today is my day. No one elses. I am off to work my kick * * * job. I love my work. TV work

I do not share this day with anyone else. Not her.

I will call my son and share it with him. Not her.

It's my day. I will not call. It's my day. mine alone.

I own today. I kick * * *. It's time to be selfish FOR myself.

Cup of green tea. some nuts and berries, cheese and crackers and Bugler smokes.

This is the rest of my life. Today it begins. I love myself and I own today. This is MY day to discover.

[itsallgrand]

hey.

 

Are you away from home for work?

 

It's clear what you need right now is a friend. It can be anybody you care about or who you get along with.

 

I empathize a lot with your post. It can be just as hard, if not harder, to lose your best friend as to lose your lover.

And it seems that is what is happening here. As what happened with myself.

I missed him as my best friend more than anything.

 

I made the mistake of keeping most of it to myself. When with friends and such, I wouldn't talk about him. I wouldn't admit that I was sometimes feeling awful lonely and blue, and would have loved a hug or to go out for a chat at some weird hours.

They would have done it - if they had known more of what would have helped me. I didn't tell them.

 

tc. Reach out to your buddies, family, people in general. Stay involved in other's lives. It does help.

I understand that no one can be her, nor replace the friendship and intimacy that was there. That's not the idea. The idea to not feel isolated and get so lonely that you feel you must call her.

[elithepi]

The idea to not feel isolated and get so lonely that you feel you must call her.

 

That's the hard part. Thank you for your understanding.

I'll be back tonight and keep ya'll....heh heh...southern boy...keep you all posted on this day of NC...I'll remember and think of lots of posts I've seen.

yours, blenders, superdave....

But for now, It's my time....off to work

Peace and love to all

[itsallgrand]

Have a good day at work, and take care of yourself.

See ya later.

[elithepi]

i worked hard last night.

It was a moonlighting job for big clams.

It's what I love to do and have missed it for awhile.

My situation is that I moved away from family and friends to take a job that turned out being completely different than what I was led to believe.

Distance, job dissatisfaction caused me to me clingy and leaning on her more which pushed her away. My 4 hour trips to see her on weekends seemed like a big deal to her and pushed her away...added to the pressure.

She said things changed when I moved. More pressure she felt.

I'm making efforts to get back closer to her neck of the woods so we can see each other without "pressure" and "big deal" of lonf trips.

I know I can't count on it working back out but I'll also be back with my friends.

It's hard being far away and dumped and not liking my job and having absolutely no one to hang with.

As I've said before in other threads....i've been threading it up...sorry...before I moved here I was mr. cool and laid back. I can see now how I've become clingy and needing her more which has damaged the situation.

I failed yesterday. I called and left a message to tell her to watch the game I was working on tv if she was bored.

I did make it all the way to 7pm....woo hoo ha ha..sarcasm.

wanted to call after it was all over with but didn't.

We use to get along great without having to speak everyday...but after reflecting, I have been calling her a few times a day since I moved.

I'm in a coolness rut. I've tried walking, watching tv, can't concentrate to get into reading.

one positive thing...I've lost weight but I've been smoking more cigs. I was almost quit when she cut it off. Immediately bought a pack.

I'm trying to put my mind back to the time when I wasn't calling all the time. The uncertainty has me bogged down and wondering too much.

Alone in a strange town and empty feeling add so much to isolation feeling.

I know, go out, meet people...whatever. There is nothing to do here.

My old place, town, I knew people and could walk right on down to where they were.

I'm really lost right now. I've been married before but that ended ok cause we both agreed it had gotten to the point to call it quits.

Next relationship was abusive...the girl gave me 4 blackeyes in one year. Quit a good job just to get away from her. she drove me crazy. It was bad.

This one was just fine on my end, never, well just one or to ddisagreements that got straight within 15 minutes.

We were super good friends. Did yard work together. I cooked, we played lots of games, wrestle around, last year we went driving around looking at christmas lights. Damn we had a lot of fun.

Now it's like this sudden death. And I know how that really feels.

I believed in it and now my belief system is in question.

I'm pretty depressed and kinda panicky.

I'm afraid of making anymore decisions.

See, now it's that time of morning, she's getting up, making coffee, going to sit outside and water her plants and have a smoke.

i want to call....I know don't do it.

I really feel like I'm in a tail spin.

Are there any hotties here who like dark beer and good food and likes board games and the out doors and can enjoy a good college football game or a hike down to the creek? hee hee, sorry about that.

Ugh...

[need2bme]

Hey, know how you feel being away from home for work.

Being away from what you know as home. Being away from what you are used to.

Who moved my cheese and all of that stuff.

Like what I do, but cannot concentrate, 'cause one thought leaps right on top of the other.

They all want me to feel down, but I got to remember that someone just moved my cheese.

 

Anyway, I know how you feel. You just want to reach out to someone you know.

 

Someone who used to make you feel so good. Believe me, I know.

[silky88]

i am in the exact same situation as you right now. exactly. you are not alone... things just ended in my "perfect" relationship and he just wasn't feeling it as much as i was (am) and i thought everything was great.

 

i miss everything about him. every single thing you said struck a chord in me -- it's exactly the way that i feel except i *can't* cut off contact because we work together. he was my best friend.

 

who will tickle me until i scream? who will i snicker at moves with? who will i do the crossword with over coffee? who will i wander around blockbuster and best buy with? who will come to see me being all sweet after a night of drinking? who will make lewd phone calls to me in the voice of borat? who will take surreptitious pictures of me on the camera phone and make me omelets in the middle of the night and pour me whiskey to drink in bed and share the blankets and let me wear his pajamas and feed me bites of dessert and tell me i look pretty and ride go-karts with me and teach me about computers and watch my dog when i leave town and drive me around and be so perfect, so very intelligent and sweet and handsome and stylish and soft and strong and thoughtful and playful and funny?

 

who?

 

brother, believe me. i feel your pain so much that there are tears rolling down my face. it's been almost two weeks. and i was sure this one was gonna last. oh, well.

[elithepi]

call it setting myself up.

But I was in a funk and called her yesterday.

My "tone" brought her down.

Got off the phone and felt miserable.

I thought to myself, "we were never like this, it's me bringing it down with my pining and remorse."

Then I thought about how much I DO dig her as my friend. We started out like that.

I took a chance last night to hopefully leave a message with some upbeat banter and she actually answered the phone. It felt good. No "us" talk. Friend talk. She still digs me but will not if I continue to be down.

Of course I'm down but that is my problem.

A small door opened in my head to get back to myself. Who I am.

I do have hope, kind of like the old 70's song, "Gotta get right back where we started from."

I know this goes against the favorite rule of NC.

But a mutaul friendship with her is much more important to me that a selfish wanting and clinging from me.

 

I gotta be strong and remember, whatever will be will be, the future's not our's to see...blah,blah,blah

[need2bme]

Thank you so much for this. It made me smile, then sad, then think, all at the same time. Thanks.