Can it be true? Content or Complacent?

[lilady]

I'm new here. Nice to "meet" you all! I am engaged to a man who is an anomily to me. We have been together since 2004. We see and talk everyday tho we don't live together. Since April of this year I have lived in the same building as him, upstairs. I only point that out to give a clear picture of how much time we spend together. I am and have always (maybe since the terrmination of my first 13yr marriage to the man I thought I would spend my entire life with) on the lookout for ways to improve our relationship. I seem to be the only one who sees potential issues needing to be dealt with. He avoids conflict like the plague (his exwife was quite hysterical and out of control) so I understand why he would. He NEVER has issue with anything I do or say or wear or like or think.... I have even asked him, "If there was one thing that got on his nerves or irritated him in the slightest about me, what would it be." He just says there is nothing at all he would change. Nothing I do irritates him except maybe asking that question!(smiles) Its just that I can't believe someone can love some one so unconditionally with no expectations of them. I feel like when I'm the only one who has issues and it ends up making him feel like he disappoints me like when I wish he were more romantic or more open about his wants and desires instead of always conceding to me. Can he be that content or is he just complacent and can't be bothered to deal with certain things?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey lilady - Welcome to ENA!!! Glad you found us.

 

I just HAD to comment on this one because I know almost exactly what you're saying. My husband was the same way when we met and got married and still is to this very day....well, we've only been married 8 years....

 

But I couldn't believe he was just so...casual about stuff. It has taken me all these years and I'm finally starting (I think) to see that it is just him.

 

He is tolerant, laid back, and as you said, I really think he loves me unconditionally. So far anyway....

 

That whole concept really IS hard for me to get my head around coming from where I've been but we (you and I) have to learn to see it for what it is and not try to draw out the bad.

 

I think you may have stumbled onto a good thing here. Don't let it get away because you can't believe it.

 

If he is not dealing with real issues that are causing you distress, that's a different story - but let the relationship happen and let yourself experience something new and different. He's a different person from your last relationship and you are a different person too. Enjoy it!

 

I'm glad you're here though! If I said nothing that was helpful, I'm sure somebody here will! These people are da bomb!

 

Hope to see ya 'round!

 

-T

[Scout]

I have to say, Ta Ree Saw's response was a relief to read! I too am with an incredibly easy-going, tolerant guy. And I just can't get my head around it, either, probably because I see things about me that seem irritating. He insists they aren't, but I've wondered many times if he just doesn't like to "rock the boat."

 

Could it be there really are such tolerant people out there??? LOL. I have to sheepishly admit the reason why I struggle with believing this is because, er, maybe I'm not so tolerant myself.

[lilady]

Actually, it is a relief to know that I'm not the only one who can't believe someone could be so agreeable. I think what makes me feel worse it that his agreeableness and unconditional love makes me all that more aware of how demanding, controling and intolerant I am myself.....I just don't know how to love him like he loves me... even the sound of how he chews his food drives me nuts! I'm pathetic.

[Scout]

Well, now...that's something I would work on if I were you. Life does not very often bring us unconditional love and it's a gift that should be given back in kind. And also...at some point, unconditional love can start to change if we are being hurtful and intolerant in return.

[lilady]

EXACTLY!!!!! That is what I'm afraid up. That I'll make him miserable. I have talked to him about it and he says he couldn't be happier unless of course I was happier. Its just that my emotions and feelings seem to control my mind rather than the other way around. I need practical suggestions to get from him (talk and expression) what I need to feel like our relationship is deepening and he isn't just ho humming along just happy with whatever.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I think what makes me feel worse it that his agreeableness and unconditional love makes me all that more aware of how demanding, controling and intolerant I am myself.....I just don't know how to love him like he loves me... even the sound of how he chews his food drives me nuts! I'm pathetic.

 

Nail on the head!

 

This is it exaclty for me!

 

I had a bf who would breathe!! Can you believe it!? And it drove me nuts! He too was really catering and suuuuper patient. I totally dumped him!!

 

I mean, I'm glad I did now otherwise I may not have met my husband, but for a while there I was like, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???

[VeganBohemian]

My boyfriend is like that as well. He won't bring anything up even if it is something that could improve our relationship. I have asked him the same question and he always says that there is nothing he would want to change---even though I know for a fact that is not true.

[caro33]

My husband is exactly the same lilady. Always mellow and always in love and always giving. I am the one who questions things, who sees problems sometimes.

 

I have also struggled with this, a great deal. To start with I was certain he was just infatuated, or in love with being in love, but it's been 18 months or so since we met and he's been the same way every day. Now I know 18 months isn't long but I have a fair degree of faith these days that we'll make it. I certainly made it hard for him to stay consistent a few times. I think he is just stable and happy and not insecure or hyper-analytical like I am.

 

Welcome to ENA, and thank god for these great blokes hey.

[caro33]

EXACTLY!!!!! That is what I'm afraid up. That I'll make him miserable. I have talked to him about it and he says he couldn't be happier unless of course I was happier. Its just that my emotions and feelings seem to control my mind rather than the other way around. I need practical suggestions to get from him (talk and expression) what I need to feel like our relationship is deepening and he isn't just ho humming along just happy with whatever.

 

Sorry somehow I missed this before.

 

I had thought this as well but I wonder if our eternal search to make our guy express himself just like us is actually the real problem, not the lack of him expressing. Maybe he just doesn't think like that. He really is happy, he really isn't analytical. You can't make someone become introspective if they are just not wired that way.

 

I have tried and tried to force my partner to look within himself and be sure that it's me he wants, that he's just not settling. I explain myself until I have exhausted my vocabulary but he is just confused. He says he 'knows' he's happy. He's not felt like this before. He's told me how he feels. What else do I want? After much examination I ending up thinking 'yeah, this is my issue not his'.

 

My view is that he loves me with all my flaws, including my tendency to get grumpy, my over-analysis and my judgemental side. These flaws have their positive flipsides that he likes. I just have to assume he knows what he's getting into with me and he's okay with that. Maybe the 'flaw' you just live with with your guy is that he's not a big expresser of emotions and problems. There are worse things he could be.

[lilady]

caro33 - If I didn't know better I think I would have written your post to me exactly!!! word for word... I feel and say those same things... he just tells me "I'm really not that deep. I'm a simple person." He said he has just decided to be as happy with the way things are even if they aren't perfect and he wouldn't change anything. I on the other hand feel that change means progress but I could be wrong. Maybe thats why I struggle with being content. I'm always looking for a way to make things better which means I end up having to find the negative in order to improve on it. Thats bad isn't it?

[caro33]

caro33 - If I didn't know better I think I would have written your post to me exactly!!! word for word... I feel and say those same things... he just tells me "I'm really not that deep. I'm a simple person." He said he has just decided to be as happy with the way things are even if they aren't perfect and he wouldn't change anything. I on the other hand feel that change means progress but I could be wrong. Maybe thats why I struggle with being content. I'm always looking for a way to make things better which means I end up having to find the negative in order to improve on it. Thats bad isn't it?

 

No, it's painful sometimes to be that way, but it's just you perhaps. It's definitely who I am. Maybe mellow people like our partners are best complemented by ever-searching people like you and me, and we are also best complemented by them. For me, having my husband be so very stable and certain is now starting to make me less dissatisfied and more willing to live in the moment. To worry less. I have just had to trust him more, and so far it's been an improvement.

 

So there you go, I got the improvement I was after by changing my attitude to trust his, not the other way around.

 

Have to say, I had a genuinely simple man as the major relationship before my husband, and this guy really did live life by the seat of his pants and he didn't think things through properly. He changed his mind about his feelings for me a lot. So I am also super-vigilant these days so I don't find myself in that situation again. So yeah, it's a fine line. But my husband is so completely different from the ex, and while my intellect knew this all along, my emotional take on the situation has taken a bit longer.