almost married to single..

[JOYl]

hi there,

 

if anyone can help or has any positive stories pelase let me know!!

we were supposed to get married this year in September, however he got cold feet and we broke up in June, so wedding was cancelled...i stayed patient and was a friend with him during this time while he needed to think..and only when he initiated the contact..

3 months after breaking up we ended up spending the night together..then when we met he was distant again, so finally i couldnt take this anymore and asked him what was happening so he said he needs to be alone to focus on himself and wants us to be friends...so i said i cannot just be friends and i have been in no contact for 6 weeks...Am i doing the right thing or should i stay in contact?

[kickedin]

hi there,

 

if anyone can help or has any positive stories pelase let me know!!

we were supposed to get married this year in September, however he got cold feet and we broke up in June, so wedding was cancelled...i stayed patient and was a friend with him during this time while he needed to think..and only when he initiated the contact..

3 months after breaking up we ended up spending the night together..then when we met he was distant again, so finally i couldnt take this anymore and asked him what was happening so he said he needs to be alone to focus on himself and wants us to be friends...so i said i cannot just be friends and i have been in no contact for 6 weeks...Am i doing the right thing or should i stay in contact?

 

 

so sorry i too have been dealing with a rollercoaster...she was divorced we wereplanning on getting married i even sold my house to buy us a ne one and then blam........shes not feeling it yadda yadda after 2-3 months of on and off it finally cam to an end after tgiving day and i havent really heard from her since(that night she wanted to plan a june wedding) the next night over!!

 

so i haven't really contacted her.....only last week to get coffee to maybe talk to see where we were at she said it wasnt good for her....not now anyway

 

i honestly think she is confused but i myself cant take it anymore and i dont think i could trust her if she came back to not do it again

 

i would let him go asi am doing work on yourself you deserve someone who wants you as i do....even though we both want them its viscious plus it shows you are strong and respect yourself

[Beec]

I think that what you are doing with regard to him is the right thing.

 

However, I also think you should think about moving on. If he decides he wants you and wants to amrry you, and someone else is also interested, you will have choices to make. That's better than waiting for him to make choices.

[ebsmith1]

You are doing the right thing in my opinion. Let him make any contact first. My ex-fiance proposed to me in July and broke up with me in August. We were supposed to get married in May. He said he was just scared and wanted time to think things out. He has another girlfriend now. I say give him all the space he wants. If he thinks he made a mistake, he'll be back. If he doesn't you'll know soon enough. I'm sorry you are going through this, I know how hard it is!

[JOYl]

>

 

ha ha if only!!

well yes i am moving on...at least my head is telling me to...im getting back to being a strong person so i would not be accepting him back fast if he did miraculously come back....

[JOYl]

oops i havent worked out the quotes thing!

 

>>

 

Oh poor you, gosh i cannot imagine how it must be to see him with a new girl..that must be so hard...im sure its jsut a rebound to try and get over you. Did you just leave him alone since he broke up?

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

I am sorry to hear about your roller coaster ride.

 

Be strong and move on. That is the best thing you could do to yourself.

[Orlander]

...so i said i cannot just be friends and i have been in no contact for 6 weeks...Am i doing the right thing or should i stay in contact?

No contact has worked wonders for me. You should realize that there IS someone out there for you who won't second guess. Only time will tell what happens, but it's impossible for you to make a sound decision while your heart is on the mend. Spend some time to heal and you never know what will happen.

 

What was his excuse for breaking off the wedding?

 

 

Orlander

[JOYl]

 

he says that we became "us" and needs to find his identity again..that my life became his life.

and he says that when he is in a relationship he cannot think just about himself.

and i am by no means a needy girl!!!! quite the opposite

[Orlander]

Well, give him all the time he needs to "find himself". Being in a relationship is supposed to add to who you are, not replace who you are. He probably just needs to develop a stronger personality and sense of self identity.

 

I know it's hard for you right now, Joy!, but just keep at it and i promise you will find someone much better for you.

 

 

Orlander

[JOYl]

 

>>

 

true...he is is quite an emotional and introverted person..

 

>>

 

gosh i cannot imagine anyone more perfect than him...

[scsavino]

I dont know how the person that breaks it off you thinks you can remain friends .... on thier terms. Its ridiculous.

I tried this for about a month and a half and it was a joke.

I cut all ties.

Yeah, it hurts.

But it hurt more to sit and wait and wonder if he was going to call or not.

[Biffy]

I dont know how the person that breaks it off you thinks you can remain friends .... on thier terms. Its ridiculous.

I tried this for about a month and a half and it was a joke.

I cut all ties.

Yeah, it hurts.

But it hurt more to sit and wait and wonder if he was going to call or not.

 

Been there and done that myself.

 

Things are much better now that I have told the ex to ONLY contact me if she wants to reconcile.

[scsavino]

hmmmm ... thats good .... I shoulda thought of that.

[JOYl]

>

 

yeah thats a good one. i told him i would contact him when i was ready to talk...so let him wait!!

[ebsmith1]

Oh poor you, gosh i cannot imagine how it must be to see him with a new girl..that must be so hard...im sure its jsut a rebound to try and get over you. Did you just leave him alone since he broke up?

 

 

At first I did everything I could to convince him to come back. He even told me I was still going to be the person he married, he was just too messed up in the head to do it yet. He also told me that the girl was just a friend (I saw them together 3 days after our breakup). After a while I just said forget it, it's not worth it. I haven't heard from him since.

[maladjusted]

same thing for me scsavino. couldn't take the waiting game or the friendly little hows the weather convos. so i told my ex to contact me when or if she wanted to try it again. then she tells me i could contact her anytime and if or when i felt like it. kind of confusing since we will probably both be sitting around waiting for each other to make the first move..lol..oh well it is a lot better than playing the waiting game.

[JOYl]

>

 

lol, yes exactly the same for me ,i told him id contact him when i was ready to talk and last week he sent a mail about some financial stuff and on the mail he wrote"sorry for contacting you as you told me you would contact me when you were ready"

well at least he is the one waiting now i guess;-)

[terk2021]

Joy,

 

This story sounds very familiar. I went through a very similar spot with a planned July wedding this year. I bought my ex her dream house, only now to find it as an investment for me that I have to live in for at least 2 years to make money on it. It's a daily reminder of what I had.

 

Since she called off our wedding, and I had her move out, it's been off again and on again... For the 1st few months, she missed me SO much, and then wanted a break. Then 1 week without me, and she felt not marrying me was a mistake. Then, 2 weeks later, I need a break through the end of the year to figure out what I want...

 

Very much a confusing rollercoaster... If I had followed my friends advice of moving forward in life months ago, and making her really take the time apart to figure out what she wanted, we would either be back together now, or I would be well on my way to recovery. I am getting better, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her, or think about the fact that I will not be spending Christmas with her...

 

Aren't you tired of hearing that everything happens for a reason? I know I am . But, as I move forward, I start to believe it more and more. If you have the strength, NC is probably best. He needs to see what life is like without you. I wish you the best.

[LONESOUL]

Hi Joyl.

Bravo Terk2021! well said. I agree. NC will give you the space you need to heal. You will begin to move on ....slowly but forward.

 

Take good care

Lone

[terk2021]

Joy, it's easier said then done. I seem to break it at least once or twice a week in either at text message or an email. Again, if you have the strength, you will be so much better off. There is nothing wrong with expressing how you feel to the one you love. It's just important not to do it too much when that love is not being returned.

 

It's the loneliest feeling in the world, and many of us at this board experience it every day. It's nice to read some of the posts of hearing how people on here have been successful in moving forward in their lives. It gives us hope.

 

Someone up there is looking out for us. I truly believe that Good luck and best wishes to you.

[maladjusted]

terk good insight. i truly believe that someone up there is looking out for us also. i believe in God but am not overly religious. well when my ex broke up with me i was trying to find anything to keep my mind off of things and i started going back to church. it has helped me put some perspecitve on things and made me reflect back to situations in my life that have happened that i thought were the end of the world. well i am still here and better off than i was so i am taking this break up the same way. God is going to let me come out of this better than i was as long as i keep believing, keep a good attitude, and keep being a good person.

 

anyway, sorry didn't mean to preach or turn this into some spiritual post but i connected with what you were saying terk.

[JOYl]

hi terk!

Thanks for ur msg...what a similiar story to mine..at first it was just fear of the church, then it became moving out to think, then he thought we could live separately, and then it became break .at the beginning i was advised to be friends with him and not mention anything about the situation..so we did that for 3 months , meeting and having drinks, then we spent one night together and so distant after.

Then another 2 months of trying to being patient, to tellign him what i felt, now im being advised to do no contact to get him to miss me and then maybe go back to the being friends , but be a challenge and let him think you are over him approach..... wonder has anyone here tried that!!!!!???

[JOYl]

this is what i mean below psoted by beec on another thread..

"What you do to get them back is seduce them. You make an indirect approach, it must be indirect. While making this apporach, you act as if you want to be friends, nothing more. During some of your intial contacts, you need to admit your failures and let them know you are working on correcting them for your own sake, and that it should seem that has little to do with a desrie to want them back. If they screwed up, at this time act like they are one of the stupidest individuals you know for screwing up with you. Do not ever at this stage act like you want them, until they move in your direction. "

 

Could this work? i know i was doing something similiar for 4 months and it did begin to work but then i went and asked questions!

[Orlander]

Could this work? i know i was doing something similiar for 4 months and it did begin to work but then i went and asked questions!

When considering any action always ask "would I want this action applied to me?" Would you want your ex, if positions were switched, to "seduce" you?

 

The definition of seduction is:

• enticing someone astray from right behavior
  
• an act of winning the love or sexual favor of someone

Love is never won, at least I dont believe it is. You deserve better than to feel you must "win" his love back.

 

 

Orlander