6 years and going nowhere

[kaligrl22]

Okay this is not my first posting. I went through a bad breakup with my current BF 3 years ago. We got back together and honestly everything was great. We got along with eachother better then the previous 3 years. Well now at a little over 6 years into the relationship, it seems as though the everything is falling apart.

 

My issue is that I really really want to settle down. I'm very ready to get married. Problem is the BF doesn't even want to talk about it. I always get "I'm not ready". Now I understand you can't force someone into it and you shouldn't have to do so. But I feel like what's the point of continuing the relationship if I don't have at least a committment for the future.

 

It's gotten to the point that I've become detached from the relationship. It's hard for me to be intimate and be in a good mood with the BF. He doesn't understand that him blowing me off about "us" has an effect on me. Because I refuse sex, everything is just falling apart. Maybe I'm just expecting to much and should let things happen naturally. What do you guys think?

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

OK, so you get the "I'm not ready" from him when you talk about marriage... but does he talk about any future activities with you, such as owning a home together, children, vacations, anything?

 

How old are you both? 6 years is a long time, but it would also depend on your ages, for example, if you had started dating at 16 and were 22, that is still quite young to consider marriage.

 

Just trying to get a broader picture of the situation.

[DN]

Yes, I agree - knowing your ages would help and also if you are in school, stable careers etc.

 

I advise being cautious about refusing sex - I understand you have lost desire but he may view that as being manipulative and that could be disastrous.

[Relationship Coach]

My question is why isn't he ready? Is he looking to keep his options open while being in a quasi relationship? Doesn't want to talk about it means you are not going to like his reasons and may cause the two of you to split up again.

 

This isn't love, it's all about convenience. I think you've made great strides to put the relation back together and he's hiding the final piece for his own selfish reasons. You are going to have to decide what you are willing to sacrifice here because what you want may not be in the cards with whom you are with.

 

RC

[kaligrl22]

I'm 26 and he is 29, so we're not super young. No he does not talk about future stuff. Everything he talks about is "when I get this", or when I do that. blah blah. He just bought a condo and it's all about him. He doesn't even want my help picking out furniture. He had his bf sister help him. Granted we both have different taste, it's still BS.

[kaligrl22]

We both have great careers and are stable in that aspect. I honestly don't see the need to wait any longer. Also I don't intentially hold out on sex. I just don't ever want it. For me, meeting my emotional needs is HUGE. If I don't get that, I can't connect sexually. He is the type of guy who never wants to talk about anything serious. He is not open at all with me. I just feel like the end is near, but I've invested so much time into it.

[DN]

I don't usually advocate ultimatums but sometimes they are necessary. I think the time has come to tell him that you love him and want to be with him for ever but it seems he is not on the same page and that you are going to have to assume he never will be. Tell him that it is time for you to move on and find someone who wants the same things that you do.

 

See what he says.

[kaligrl22]

Been there done that DN. He just ignores the whole thing. See his biggest issue and only issue with me is the lack of sex. He's mentioned numerous times that he doesn't want to marry someone who never wants to have sex. My thing is, I'm willing if your willing to meet my needs as well. That's where it ends. He obviously doesn't want to do his part.

[RayKay]

We both have great careers and are stable in that aspect. I honestly don't see the need to wait any longer. Also I don't intentially hold out on sex. I just don't ever want it. For me, meeting my emotional needs is HUGE. If I don't get that, I can't connect sexually. He is the type of guy who never wants to talk about anything serious. He is not open at all with me. I just feel like the end is near, but I've invested so much time into it.

 

Alright, I respect you have invested a lot of time, and effort, but how would you feel if in another 6 years you were STILL in the same boat? Probably even worse, right?

 

It may be harder to see it since you are so close to it, but probably you will feel even more determined to stay then, for scraps, and also regret that you have missed out on meeting someone whom will commit.

 

I would say after 6 years, if he is wishy washy about your future together, not just about marriage, but about just general future together...it's time to seriously consider moving on honestly. Sometimes due to careers, education, and so on, couples decide together to put those things on hold for a while, however it is pretty clear right now this is all one sided, and he will continue on likely as you are staying anyway, right?

 

I agree that withholding sex is not the answer, but I totally understand not feeling emotionally connected at this point, and I imagine even a bit resentful by this time as well...which again points to the fact it is time to convey how serious this is to you, and if he still is wishy washy, time to walk. I warn you though, even if he does agree at the "urgency" of it all, I would not be very comfortable marrying someone whom has shown they are really not that willing to do it by this time...

 

I suspect at this point he may also use your withdrawal from sex as an excuse, if you did start having it more he may have another excuse, what do you think? Maybe not, but depending on his hesitancy, sometimes people will find excuse after excuse...

[Relationship Coach]

I've invested so much time into it.

 

...and look where that has got you!

 

It's not what you have invested, it's what you learned. The fact is it sounds like there is a split in the road just ahead and you need to do what will allow you to be happy. I really think you know what's best, I know it's tough to face but ask yourself how much more of this loveless relationship can you stand?

 

RC

[caro33]

kaligrl I don't think the news here is good. I spent many years with someone just like this and the fact is that even when we got engaged he never saw his future with me in it. I had exactly the same experience with the lack of future planning, the expenditure on himself.

 

Six years is long enough. The spending money on his own stuff and using the 'I' word for the future just reinforces that this guy, for all his wonderful qualities (which I assume he has) just does not have it in him to commit the way you want him to.

[Hope75]

Been there done that DN. He just ignores the whole thing. See his biggest issue and only issue with me is the lack of sex. He's mentioned numerous times that he doesn't want to marry someone who never wants to have sex. My thing is, I'm willing if your willing to meet my needs as well. That's where it ends. He obviously doesn't want to do his part.

 

So you have been there and done that- but you have not followed through, because you are still with him.

 

I agree with others that if he is still vague about any future activities with you after 6 years, it's probably safe to assume he does not see a long term future with you.

 

So that leaves you with,

 

a. waiting out a relationship that is not likely to lead to marriage until you grow tired and want out

 

b. leaving now and taking some time to heal from this and beginning to search for someone who is on the same page as you in terms of marriage.

 

I'm curious though, when you ask him about marriage and he says, "I'm not ready", do you ever ask him when he thinks he may be ready? Or where he sees you two in 5 years?

[caro33]

I just feel like the end is near, but I've invested so much time into it.

 

Re the investment angle, I have written about this before, but when my ex and I had problems two years in, my best friend said to me to end it, why did I stay. I was horrified that he could suggest that because I had invested two whole years and wasn't going to give up now. Eight years later I had invested a total of ten years for someone who decided he 'didn't feel like being in a relationship right now' and 'wanted to focus on his mountain biking'.

 

My friend gave me a hard time about the investment angle for years. Whenever I had a bad dating experience he's tell me to hang in there for the investment.

 

You can't make them want to commit. Not ever. And I agree with RK about him using sex as an excuse. What's the deal right now as he's sees it, is he in a holding pattern with you until you start putting out? How does he rationalise his staying in the relationship, and how does he rationalise your staying?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

He's a little immature and very unenthusiastic.

 

leave, lady! You can do MUCH better.

[kaligrl22]

Okay so it's officially OVER. I found out the SOB has been cheating on me.

[n83]

Wow I wasn't expecting to read that ...

I'm sorry

[lolly]

Okay so it's officially OVER. I found out the SOB has been cheating on me.

 

WOW doll I am so sorry...

 

If that pic is of you as your avatar...you are a very beautiful girl. Keep strong, and focus on yourself...

 

I am curious tho, how did you find out he was cheating on you?

 

And start NC right now. Leave him alone, he doesnt deserve you.

[RayKay]

What a dog. It explains his hesitancy or attitude though towards getting married.

 

I know it is probably not the time you want to think of it, but go get a full STI check and pap smear for HPV as well.

 

Seriously though, you definitely deserve better than that, and I know it is hard to see it now, but better you find out he is cheating now while you are not married, then when you were. He has clearly shown he does not have any idea of what it means to be committed and faithful.

[Hope75]

Okay so it's officially OVER. I found out the SOB has been cheating on me.

 

Oh no, I am so sorry to hear this. As RayKay mentioned, that would explain why after 6 years he wasn't even talking about spending your lives together or taking the next step.

 

Wow, what a shock.

 

How did you find out?

[kaligrl22]

The way I found out was a little wrong on my part. I reset his password for his voicemail on his cell phone. I checked the messages and what do you know the very first one is this girl (crazy girl mind you) ranting and raving how he's been ignoring her for the past week. Luckily for me the girl is really nuts because there were 10 more messages pretty much detailing the whole affair and how long it's gone on(one month).

 

So I called him and asked him point blank "what is up with this girl on your voicemail" Of course he tried denying the whole thing until I reminded him that I heard everything on the messages.

 

Then he had the nerve to ask why I was going through his phone and that's all he cared about at that point. The really sad thing is you should of heard this poor girl. She was even crying on some of the messages asking him not to treat her like * * * * anymore and to stop ignoring her.

 

Just goes to show that people don't change. He's treated me like * * * * for 6 years and he's already doing the same to another after a month. I'm actually pretty happy this happened. I honestly don't think I would have left him otherwise. Now I know for sure I will never ever take him back and this relationship is permantley OVER.

 

The only bad thing about the whole situation is that I live with his sister (roommates). She knows what happened and has been very sympathic to me. It's just always going to be a constant reminder.

 

By the way, yes the avatar pic is of me. Over the years I've lost some of my self esteem so it's good to hear that I still got it.

[Hope75]

While I agree that snooping is not a great idea, in your case I think it was what you needed to hear in order to mobilize your strength and leave him. I'm sorry that he treated you like that, but glad you are away from him now.

 

It's also a good thing that his sister is being supportive of you, and hopefully she will continue to do so, as long as she is not made to feel by either of you to be in the middle of the situation too much.

 

You are a lovely girl and definitely still "got it", so I when you are ready there is no doubt in my mind that you will have a slew of men to chose from.

 

Best of luck!

[kaligrl22]

Yes I'm not one to snoop but I had a real gut feeling this time. If I had found nothing I would have never of done it again. But you know what I'm glad I did. I needed to hear what I heard to give me the strength to get the hell out.

 

Besides the cheating, he just wasn't right for me. I knew this deep down but I guess I was just hoping that things would be resolved and he finally get it one day and treat the way I should be treated. It's was foolish to think that way, but I was very attached to him.

 

I started dating him when I was 20 years old and we went through a lot of stuff. I have a very serious muscle diease (myasthenia Gravis) which thank god is in remission. He was there for me while I was sick, and I guess in a sick way I felt like I owed him. But you know, I've learned that no matter what a person does for you, it doesn't mean that you have to put up with bad treatment.

 

Goodbye to him and hello to my new single life. I'm not going to cry myself to sleep tonight like I normally would. My girlfriends and I are going out to Boston tonight to Celebrate.

 

I'll try not to be too upset tonight as I sip on my cocktail and beat the guys off with a stick!!!

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

You are 100% right. Being there for your illness was a great thing that he did, but not a lisense to cheat and treat you poorly. I'm sorry about your MG- I am glad that you are doing well with it now- it can be very debilitating.

 

Hope you enjoy your night out in town- bring your big stick!

[Celadon]

Hey kaligrl22, I'm only just now reading this thread, but I wanted to say that a good future is ahead of you. Being with a guy who won't commit is a drag; it just brings you further and further down. So now that he's no longer in the picture, you've got a fresh start! Hey, you're only 26 -- there's plenty of good men out there. Have fun dating!

[Suzy-TO]

Depends how much more time you are willing to invest. I spent 9 years in a relationship that went nowhere. We were both good ppl, just with different interests. I wanted marriage, and he did not. I finally broke it off, and even though it was the hardest thing to do, in the long run I am glad. I now am married, and happier then ever. OF course you will detach from the relationship, its normal. What would make you happy? Can he give it to you? Are you guys looking for the same things long term?