He'd rather sleep than talk about things.

[13ubbleGum]

Hi guys, first time poster here. I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 20 as well. We've been together for a little over 5 years and have been living together since last November when our daughter was born. She just turned 13 months old.

 

Lately, things have been really bumpy between us, and part of me just wants to leave so bad. I think the other part of me is afraid of being alone for the rest of my life (my mom and dad got into a fight shortly after I was born and she moved back home. I've never met my father, same thing with my sister's dad 3 years later. Now she doesn't have anyone). I also feel like it isn't fair to my daughter so that's another reason I stay.

 

Lately, we've been fighting over petty things. Wednesday, all day he kept trying to "seduce" me and leading me into thinking we were going to have sex. After I was finally able to get the baby to sleep, he fell asleep while I was doing that. I woke him up by rubbing him and he says, "I thought we'd wait till Saturday to build anticipation." Gee, I wish he would have told me that first. So I laid in bed and I was really hurt. I woke him up about 10 minutes later and explained to him that I was upset and he rolled over and started humping me... then said he shouldn't have said what he did. Then he turned the other way and went back to bed. * * * was the purpous of that?

 

Everytime I get upset, like right now, he lays in bed asleep. He acts like he's awake if he hears me say, "Are you even listening to me?" I CAN'T STAND IT. I lay in bed and cry and he lays next to me while he tries to talk things out... the thing is, when he does that he can't stay awake. I keep telling him this but he won't make an effort to stay awake and talk to me.

 

Right now he's laying in bed- it's 9 AM, and he's asleep. I'm upset because last night the baby was awake and he was sleeping. I tried for almost an hour and couldn't get her to bed while he slept. I woke him up and asked if he could try, but he tried for two minutes and gave her back to me. This morning he woke her up around 8 by kneeing her and I got angry because I didn't get much sleep. I know I shouldn't have gotten so mad and snappy towards him, but I would have liked him to take her, instead he rolled over and fell asleep again. I woke him and explained that I was really tired and I had a long night, but he didn't even sit up to listen to me and instead stayed in his half asleep coma.

 

Now I'm here, writing this and he's asleep. A few minutes ago he was up asking me what was wrong and I explained. I've been crying my eyes out but all he does is lay in bed. It's like he doesn't care that I'm upset. He doesn't even try to comfort me. This is just a small peek of what goes on between us. It seems like every other night we fight and I can't stand it. I want out so bad, but I'm afraid to leave. I don't have the balls to, no matter how hard I try. Every fight turns into me telling him I want to leave, him sleeping, me waking him up because I want to talk things out since I'm hurt. He ends up feeding me bull about how he'll change, he'll try harder to help me out, he won't go to sleep right away (he comes home and plays video games till he's ready for bed and spends little time with me). I believe it and end up getting hurt a few nights later. Repeat cycle... it's the same thing everytime and everytime I go back to him. I feel so stupid, I know I'm stupid. I just don't know how to leave for good, KWIM?

[RandomAdvisor]

There is only so much you can do when your partner isn't willing to work with you. And when he would rather lay down in bed than try to comfort the mother of his child when she is crying - that is a bad sign.

 

That being said, there are some things I would suggest. Although it may be tempting to say things and vent when you are upset, as I'm sure you've already learned it can often not be constructive. Either yo two end up fighting, or he continues to sleep/pretend to sleep. Either way you are left upset and the situation is not resolved. It would be better for you to try and discuss these things with him at a neutral time when the both of you aren't upset and thinking more clearly - NOT IN BED. Preferably sitting down at a table together. Make a list of your issues and things you want to change. The first thing I would ask him if I were you is, "Do you want to try and work things out and stay together?"

 

Just a simple, honest question that should be asked as if you want an honest answer - not to be told what he might think you want to hear. And based on his behavior towards you in the recent past be prepared to hear "no" if he is honest. If he says he does want to work things out then you should probably insist on finding some sort of couples counseling. I think it is the only thing that can save your relationship, if it can be saved.

 

As far as the possibility of you two splitting up and your child together, that is unfortunate especially given your family history. However, staying together simply for the children is never a good idea in my opinion. You're already have these kinds of problems with him after five years at age 20. If things don't change and you stay together, where will you be in another ten years at age 30? Can you imagine the kind of loveless unhappy household your daughter (and any other children you might have) would grow up in? Better to grow up in a happy single parent home than an unhappy two parent home. And you absolutely must be prepared to leave him if he doesn't change and you are still unhappy. If you aren't prepared to leave him, then you have nothing to back up your wanting change in the relationship. He will have no incentive to change, and as he's already shown you he wont. But if he sees you are ready to bolt, maybe it will be the trigger he needs to turn things around.

[blender]

I'm sure he is just "overwhelmed" and might lack the maturity as in knowing how to express his own fears..that might be why is feels inadequate to comfort you.. BUT that does not mean you have should "stay" and be "okay" with this... Is there anyway the two of you could get into some couples therapy? Or at least get some professional help for yourself? You can leave him, I know it's scary to consider such a big life change, and to actually follow through with it, but it might be the BEST thing for you and your child.

 

As some therapist say:

"A child rather be from a broken home, than live in one."

 

For now your priority has to be your baby... and this is not a healthy environment for the child.. you are stressed and you are building up resentment towards him, and he feels it, and he's still so immature, to be playing video games and sleeping all the time.. that's like 'teenager' behavior.. he's a husband and father now, and he may need some professional guidance as to how to accept this responsibility and rise to the occasion and share the chores and everyday struggles with you.

[Survictor]

I am sure that you are feeling really tired and neglected yourself right now and it is possible you are suffering with post natal depression too. Perhaps your boyfriend simply switches off because he doesn't feel like he can "fix" you. He then feels inadequate and ill equipped to deal with your emotions.

 

The fact that he is ignoring you a lot of the time adds to your negativity in general and I really do sympathise.

 

You have been together for quite some time at quite a young age and thereforeeee, I think this could be a tough period you are going through right now. As "some guy" says, you need to sit down and have an honest, mature discussion about whether you both consider there is a future for you both as a couple and what you both can do to remedy the situation if this is what you want.

 

For the sake of your daughter, he does need to help you and you both need to pull together or simply part.

[bebecole]

theres only so much you can doand put up with.. theres no excuse for him to treat you that way. if you want to leave maybe you should tell him you've been thinking about it and maybe that will knock some sense that you will not always be there. i think you should stand up for yourself and for your happiness, because if your miserable it will reflect on to your daughter. you shuld do what is right in your heart for your and your daughters happiness.

maybe think about moving in with your mother if thats a option.

i dont know what type of relationship you have with your mother but maybe ask her for advice.