emotional affair??

[Kitten123]

Although my husband of 19 years went a lot further than having an EA, I can tell you how I felt and what I wanted him to do.

 

I was angry because I felt he spent time, money and emotions on them. I was angry because he can be very charming and romantic, and he wasted that on somebody else! I needed be feel that 100% of his time and thoughts are with me, and me only. For me, it went a lot further than helping around the house (he started doing that, and I was thankful). This past Friday, I needed some help with the mom's taxi and he actually cancelled an appointment to help me. He also phoned every half hour while I drove quite far to fetch my son to find out if I was safe. He waited for me a the gate as I came back, hugged me and told me he is glad I am at home. I felt that for the first time I could trust him. I could rely on him to do things for me! I was important in his life! He wanted me in his life! He also scheduled an appointment with a client on Sunday morning and asked me to go with him, as he said he knows that I would worry if he went out alone. I just sat in the reception area of the client's office and read my book, but appreciated that he, once again, had me in mind when he planned something.

 

I also wanted him to "entertain" me. But I wanted him to do all the planning. Not "should we go out for supper tonight?" I wanted him to announce that he has a surprise and I must get into the car, while assuring me that he has already made arrangements for the kids to be looked after. Once again, I wanted to feel he spent time thinking about me and planning romantic stuff.

 

It is impossible to explain how hurt I was when I found out about my husband's affairs. How my self-worth took an immediate plunge. I was so scared that he didnt love me any more and wanted to leave me. Three months later, I still have to ask him to reassure me and tell me I am the only one for him etc etc. Intellectually I know he loves me, but emotionally I have doubts from time to time. I also thought that if he loved me for the last 19 years and that didnt stop him from having affairs, it would maybe not be the kind of love that I want. He had to explain the feelings he had for me as opposed to the others. I am working very hard on believing him.

 

Perhaps your wife feels like I do?

[Juliana]

There's the old adage, his story, her story, and the truth. While I think that your situation is very clear (unfortunately), and your feelings quite natural, it is not so clear in the OP's situation why his wife is first of all so determined to believe more went on (either emotionally or physically) than actually did, or why she has forced him into the position they are in.

 

I am all for validating people's feelings; rightly or wrongly, they are their feelings. They have a right to react strongly. However, they do not have a right to then use their feelings to warp the truth so as to justify their reaction.

 

Some people believe they are being poisoned by close relatives. In the absense of evidence, we do not accuse the relatives; we get help for the person who is tortured by their paranoia. In this case, it is worth trying to discover why her reaction has been so strong, lasted so long, and taken them right into marriage counselling, given that the OP consistently says he had no romantic intentions towards this other woman.

 

The punishment doesn't fit the crime, sympathetic as we may be to her hurt feelings.

[Stitches]

This is my situation, i would start a new thread but i'm afraid no one will reply. This situation is similar with EI or at least emotional attachment to another other than your spouse.

My husband and I have been together 10 years, married 2. We have recently been hanging out with a new friend a lot lately, past 2 months. I just found out tonight he really has deep feelings for her, because they connect really well intellectually. They talked for hours one night i wasnt there and philosophize about stuff that i am not good at, though i believe he and I did the first few years we were together... I have been really focused on my business which is a home occupation, and she was coming over to drink with us a couple times a week. Now she has to get back to school and he has been really depressed and i didnt know why till now. He is already on anti-depressants and has been so grumpy the past month i figured that was why he upped the meds, no it was to stop these feelings i guess.He says he loves her a certain way and me another way and since he's known me 10 years of course he loves me more. So he starts talking about what is wrong with having a polygomous relationship. I could never do it because i need someone to give me 100% no less. He keeps bringing up all these arguments like he is trying to find the right in his wrong. All he has done wrong is feed this emotional infatuation i think. Our relationship is great communication wise, or so i thought, and i thought everything was fine. I know in the bedroom our relationship is lacking because i have low drive but he says that has nothing to do with it. Their relationship is like best buddies but he cares for her so much he says. I feel like i drove him to this because i have been so busy with my business and responsible with everything at home. He got laid off back in june, attempts to do some odd jobs for people, but honestly is barely making a living, and has all this time on his hands. Not to go off on a tangent but with his boredom of not having a 8-5 job perhaps he is filling a void with this emotional connection between our friend. Now i dont know how i feel about her coming over. Now that i know, and she doesn't know, and he knows i know, it may be weird. He wishes we could all live together and sees nothing wrong with it. I know i couldnt do that because i dont want to share him. I say why cant we be friends and you stop focusing on her and enjoy your quality time together like we do with other friends. He was so upset about her leaving for school it was the same amount of crying as we both did when he went away to college, so it was really upsetting for me. i wasnt crying when he told me all this, but around 8 pm i couldnt even enjoy my favorite comedies on tv and had to go downstairs alone to research other thoughts on EI. I want him to go to a therapist about these feelings he is having. I say he doesnt say anything to her and just forget about it, but i guess it isnt that simple. Its way past my bedtime and i dont feel like even facing him right now cause i have been crying for hours. I cant talk to family or friends cause they will then all know and we dont want anyone to know. You people are the only ones who may give me some good advise. I will be checking this site for replies under this topic. I hope to get some. Oh, and to the guy who started this, i think she needs to forgive you cause you are willing to end it. My husband at the moment doesnt want to stop thinking about her in that way, and that is what upsets me. He says he can't and doesnt want to anyway. I hope your wife will come around. have to cousin write a sincere letter to her. i am sure she will read it.

-stitches

[lostnpain]

stitches i feel really bad for you. After seeing what this is going to my wife, I wouldnt wish this pain on anyone. the only difference is though that I never had those feelings for this other person and the minute my wife told me this bbothered her I cut it off immmediately..the only things is we work together and I know this must bother my wife..

 

I was away this last week and just got back home. I dont think anything has changed. tomorrow is our anniversary - it will be 7 yrs married. i hope we geet better soon. she picked me up at the airport today and even thouhgh we are gonig through this..i was so happy to see her.

[lostnpain]

Get this folks..everything points against me. I was away this week and my wife calls my job and asks for her. They tell her she is on vacation....guess what my wifre thinks.. she tells me and I send her an email this girst sent to the office as proof she was there. this shows she was not with me on the ship.

 

then her mom calls and asks for her 2 days later. they say shes not here. can you believe this..

 

today she picks me up at the airport and wants to come in the office with me.i say great no problem thinkinng this girl would be here....shes not at the front desk and my wife's wheels start spinning again...so i showed my wife this girls car..and she says I dont want to know how you konw what she drive...I know what 1/2 the people here drive..but didnt look at it this way..

 

I cant win...

[Beec]

Sounds like the goods aworked against you today.

 

I would seek to stop trying to prove myself. Literally, done. Accept me. I told you what I did. Nothign else happened. Believe as you choose. If you can't trust me, leave.

[Juliana]

Please take Beec's advice. You are dealing with some kind of paranoia here, and taking it seriously is going to hurt her more than you simply putting your foot down and saying, no, it never happened, you're wrong.

 

What would you rather be told if you were in your wife's position? That your spouse had feelings they regret now, or that there were never any feelings?

[kittysaysmeow]

It sounds like your wife is being pretty unreasonable. Obviously there's more going on with her then she's letting on.

[Stitches]

How does one patch things up after something has happened where you feel betrayed and less important. I know our situations are different/ I thought that things were getting back on track. My husband said he felt bad about the feelings he has for her and will try to get over it. Though he was all in a rotten mood again today and guess what it turns out part of it was that he was thinking again about the fact she is going to be leaving 6 hours away for school. Well, with christmas right around the corner it is really upsetting because 2 years ago he proposed to me and we have been together now 10 years and i feel really upset by all this. He was so mad about me not getting into being intimate tonight he was like "just forget it. i am not going to force you. you never seem to enjoy yourself anymore"

Of course he stormed off to bed and i was left feeling alone and hurt. I cant help the fact that i am not into being intimate, i think part of me is mad and i cant pretend to be in the mood when i feel like just a part of his love now. I dont know, i'm starting to think we need to look into counseling cause i have no one to talk to and he says he will need time to get over her. How inconvenient that this has to all be around christmas. I think that part you can relate to lostinpain. I hope you can enjoy the holiday and that she will come around. Good luck. thanks for listening. it helps just to write these thoughts out.

-Stitches