question for the ladies: have you ever left someone b/c of their family?

[deejay74]

i was thinking about this the other day and wanted to know how important your man's family is in your decision to be with your BF or if it's even a factor at all.

 

it was brought to my attention that my last GF probably used my family as one of her reasons to leave me. it was interesting to think about and it seemed like a possibility but i don't understand this and need some help for future reference.

 

let me explain: my ex came down to my hometown for thanksgiving last year. i remember her saying that her other BFs parents LOVED her and she was good with their families. i distinctly remember her being really reserved and not her usual self when she was interacting with my family and my nieces. i thought this was rather unusual b/c she of what she said. fast forward to august of this year when my mom, sis, and my nieces came to visit me. they both said that they didn't like her and sensed she was trouble. my nieces even told me that she wasn't very nice to them. something that i didn't notice at the time. the girls even told me she was almost mean to them.

 

funny thing is, she broke up with me a month later. my mom told me sometimes women who see their BFs family sometimes make a judgement on their BF and thereforeeee make a decision on whether or not to stay in a relationship with him.

 

if this is true, i am really mad about this! i never, ever would judge my GF based on her family. i did visit my ex's parents and entire family in New Orleans before my ex visited my family. she came from very, very modest means and that didn't bother me at all. i don't judge my ex based on her family becase more often than not, she's not like them.

 

has anyone ever experienced this? i just don't understand why anyone would use this as an excuse to leave someone.

 

i can understand if the BF had an over-controlling mother or father who influenced EVERY decsion that the BF makes, but my family is NOT like that at all. my family is over 300 miles away from me.

[vesper]

hey deejay74!

 

usually if my significant other does not like my family or vice versa then thats usually a deal breaker for me.

 

 

family is very important to me and if my partner is not going to get along with my family then I would kind of lose attraction to them because of it....

[deejay74]

hey aminae! long time no speak. hope you've been well.

 

so if you didn't like your ex's family, you would break up with him? if that's the case, why? how does that affect YOU?

 

thanks in advance.

[vesper]

hey aminae! long time no speak. hope you've been well.

 

so if you didn't like your ex's family, you would break up with him? if that's the case, why? how does that affect YOU?

 

thanks in advance.

 

Yeah, Ive been better...

 

it affects me because family is VERY important to me ,

 

family gatherings in my life are one of the most sacred events and EVERYone there needs to feel like 'part' of the family......

 

the women get together and make meals at parties together, they exchange gifts....the men play golf together etc....

 

all of this stuff HAS to go on in my life and if my partner does not like my family then it would be obvious at family functions and put a dent in everything. not worth it.

 

 

 

 

it sounds like to me you would pick a partner over your family any day? from what you have written? am I right?

[deejay74]

all of this stuff HAS to go on in my life and if my partner does not like my family then it would be obvious at family functions and put a dent in everything. not worth it.

 

it sounds like to me you would pick a partner over your family any day? from what you have written? am I right?

 

hey, i am glad to hear you're doing alright.

 

well again, your answer seems to be if your ex doesn't like YOUR family. i can understand how that may be a deal breaker for you. i am still asking if YOU don't like YOUR bf's family. just take a hypothetical situation where YOU don't like your BFs family but he likes yours.

 

the thing is my family is great! they care a lot about me and my GFs. they always have. they treat my GFs like part of the family.

 

i am not so sure how you got i would pick my partner over my family any day? what i am saying is i wouldn't break up with my gf if her family and i didn't get along. i am not dating her family, i am dating her. unless the situation is so overbearing from her family, then i would NOT leave her just because i didn't like her family.

 

on the other hand, if my family didn't like my GF, it's not to say i would ignore their opinions. my parents did warn me about my ex after they met her because they did sense she wasn't good for me. i heard what they said, but didn't listen. now i've learned a lesson but this is because MY parents told me about her. again, i have NEVER left someone because of THEIR family.

[vesper]

I would have to like my BFs family too if thats your question. It has to go both ways or its off.

[laboheme]

It was never mentioned in the post-breakup conversation, but I'm fairly sure that our families contributed to my ex's decision to break up with me. He always felt incredibly awkward around them and could probably tell that they didn't have the highest opinion of him (my parents tend to be very elitist). Likewise, I was incredibly shy around his family and never got to the point of being comfortable...And he broke up with me right after he went away for a family reunion -- maybe he realized that he needed a girl who would be able to accompany him to events like that...

[candy604]

personally, a bf's or gf's family is a big factor..i mean would you really want to marry into a family that dislikes you? it makes life very hard. ( going through that with my parent's families).

[cc2006]

My ex made it certain to me that she was afraid my family didn't like her (claiming they HATED her on many occasions) and it made a difference in our relationship to her. She'd obsess about it and depress herself into tears often.

 

 

Frankly, I don't feel a person's family totally influences how I feel about them. I'd never end a relationship because of issues between family and a GF. People can be shallow, even family, and their silly excuse why they don't like her, or her family doesn't like me shouldn't turn us against each other. Heck theres times my family doesn't like *me* how can I expect them to always like someone else?

 

This reminds me of that Shakespear play where Romen and Juliet noticed their familes hated each other and broke up and decided it was better to settle for people they weren't as attracted to while giving up their possible happiest loves in the world.

 

 

The important people in my life that are in my family have given me the "as long as you're happy, we're happy" nod. I don't need to force them to like my significant other (if I get another, that is) or end things if they won't.

[aymee_lee]

My first BF got along GREAT with my family (hey, everybody does. I have amazing parents). He even lived with us for about 3 years. I was also very close to his family.

 

The next guiy I was with also loved my family. He came over quite often (I still live at home). He lived with his friend, so I didn't see his family much. But it really bothered me that they didn't really care about me at all. They never once invited me around for dinner. The only time I had dinner with them was when we accidently turned up at the same restaurant for tea. I went to their house maybe 3 times in the 9 months we were together for a BBQ which was actually a BBQ his brother, who still lived at home, was having with his friends. His parents were alsways pleasant to me, but I think they were just like 'Oh, whatever, it's just his GF'. I always found this weird, and was definitely insulted by it. My BF and I were quite serious with each other, but his parents acted like I was just a friend (which I'm fairly sure he wouldn't have encouraged, as in, he wouldn't have led them to believe that).

 

I went around there to pick up my BF on Xmas day when we were together. As I knew I would be going there, i thought I would do the right thing and not turn up empty handed. So I made them a beautiful basket/hamper of all foods I had made myself as well as a bottle of wine. (My parents spent almost $100 on his present too). They had NOTHING for me. Not even a box of chocolates. Wehn I gave them their gift, they were just like 'Oh, thanks'. And that was it.

 

They're certainly not the reason we broke up, but family is everything to me, and if his family treated me like I was so insignificant, it made me wonder why that was, and it bothered me that he never corrected them (or not to the point where they changed their behaviour anyway). My family should be important to my BF and vice versa, just as his family should be important to me. Maybe I was spoilt by my experiences with my first BF but if I had kids, I'd be very keen to get to know their partners, and I expect that my BFs parents will be the same. I don't mind being grilled even, but I should be a part of their lives to a certain extent.

 

I look at it this way. Eventually, if things work out, my BF (or husbands) parents are the future grandparents of my child. They are importnant. And as the future possible mother of their grandchild, they should feel the same.

 

Would I break up over it? Maybe/Maybe not. But it's a definite factor.

[Scout]

Deejay, I think your last girl was just a dud. Any way you slice it.