What to do??

[debsea]

I'm very confused and thought I'd post whats going through my head at the moment to see if things can become clearer.

 

After two years of seperation from my husband (his choice very painful), I met a lovely guy who I could talk to for hours. He was very slow moving in the relationship development and we only became bf/gf after four months of hours of talking. I've been with him for two years now. He's a very self sufficient person who's very practical, fixes my car etc. and is quite content on his own without social interaction. He's not a tactile person and if we were out at a party you wouldn't realise we were a couple. He works late but when we were first together he used to come round a couple of evenings, and at the weekends and the weekend my kids were at their dads we would spend the whole weekend together. As time has gone on, and the intensity has died down, I now only see him the weekends I don't have the kids and the odd lunch hour. Also because he is so content on his own he doesn't want to come to any of the social things that might be going on.

 

I on the other hand want a lot of action and social stimulation (I get bored very easily) and I love to be busy. I'm a very loving person and really want to be with someone.

 

So here's my dilemma I like being with him but I don't think he would work as part of my family (I don't think he wants that - no family days out etc), and I spend most of my time feeling lonely and unloved.

 

When I was single I was lonely occasionaly but I didn't dwell on it, but now I feel that the thought that I'm in the wrong relationship but I also don't want to lose him is quite all consuming. I want to be with someone much more but I don't want to press that with him because I'm not sure he's right for me. I need someone that will reassure me that they love me. And if its not gonna work then should I leave so that I'm free to meet someone else. I don't want to spend the rest of my life seeing someone every other weekend. Plus we haven't done much on those weekends as he won't go the movies etc. and I've been getting bored.

 

I know it all points to the fact that I should end it, but I do like him, and I keep trying to just accept how things are now and not worry about the future, but whats the point of staying with someone if its not right in the long term? Oh what to do? If anyone can make any sense of this nonsense I would appreciate it but if not thanks for reading.

[karenin]

I agree with what you are saying about it working long-term - do you want this to be a long-term thing? It is strange that he seems to slack off and things - but you describe him as a good man. Perhaps you are just bored, or in a routine, and need to spice things up? Think about the things you used to do on dates. Also, with your kids - do they get on well with him? Is he a good father-figure for them? This is the thing, if he wants you but not your kids, he's the wrong guy.

 

Have you talked to him about how you feel?

 

*edit* you sound very much like me in the way that you get bored easily and need that stimulation. I'm going through that kind of thing with my man of 9 months, normally I'd have dumped him by now but I love him and he's a decent guy, and I want to make it work. I told him how I feel and we're going to try and do things - at the moment we work around our weekends as in LDR and seeing/meeting each others' friends. Good luck with it!

[Belle]

It doesn't sound like much of a relationsip anymore. It sounds more like he's getting his needs met and you're not really. You can't fit a square peg in a round hole. He seems a bit anti social and doesn't even seem to need you. You, on the other hand need more. Don't waste your life settling for what's colder than lukewarm. You might get lonely without him, but it sounds like your self esteem is suffering while staying with him.

[debsea]

Thankyou both, I think I know that the relationship is not right and everything you've said Belle is right. Its just that I've hit such a low the only time I feel ok is when I see him and then its so hard to make the break, it feels like chopping your nose off despite you're face.

 

I know when I think about it what I should do I just seem to keep not doing it. After 18 years with my husband whom I met when I was 17, I'm not very experienced at ending relationships etc. Especially when I'm so torn about it. I don't want to but I know it would be for the best.

 

Why do relationships have to be so complicated!!

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

This is how I want to feel again