Too strict parents...

[bdub02]

Not sure where I should put this, so bare with me if this is the wrong section. This question is somewhat related to the one I posted a while ago about having no friends in college. This is long, but Ive needed a place to vent about this for a long time.

 

I've thought hard about it and I've come to the conclusion that my parents are the root of all my other problems that have me so depressed as of late, including the reason I have no friends.

 

I am 21 years old and unfortunately am still stuck at home with parents. I dont make enough money to support myself on my own (apartment, etc). My parents, however, don't seem to realize I'm no longer 10 years old. They never let me go anywhere or take any trips. They are suspicious of anything I attend or try to do with a friend. They keep total control and total track of everything I do in life. If I ever did anything with friends (which I don't because its hard to make friends being tied down like this), I would have a midnight curfew. That is totally laughable to my peers. Its like I'm a prisoner.

 

The only place they give me any kind of room is at church, which brings me to my next point. My parents are strict fundamentalist Christians, to a degree that its near insanity. They keep me tied down because they fear that associating with "the world" will cause me to fall away from Christianity. I've tried reasoning with them, and it can not be done. They yell "as long as you are in my house you obey my rules!"

 

They even attack me personally telling me things like I am bound for hell and stuff because I work on Sundays. Its become that I'm afraid to even approach them because they are so harsh, hateful, and closed minded, and its all in the name of Christianity. They threaten to kick me out over simple things such as not walking THEIR dogs. If they ever found out I took a drink of alcohol, no matter how moderate, they would kick me out of the house and take away my car. They wont let me visit my best friend who lives about 8 hours away, nor will they let him visit me because to them a guy who would go that far to visit a male friend has homosexual tendencies. I could go on and on with more stuff but I will cut it to the point.

 

Is there any way I can convince my parents that hiding me away from the world isn't going to make me a better Christian, but is rather going to make me rebel against the faith? I'm 21 years old, most people my age are living in college dorms or apartments. If they are with parents, they are pretty much allowed to do as they please. Situations like mine are rare to hear from teenagers today, let alone people my age.

 

How can I convince them to let go and let me make my own decisions in life?

 

Thanks for any replies.

[Jayar]

This is a hard one... What is keeping you from moving out? Even if it means finding a better job... Even if THAT means getting a better education? At 21 years old you should be thinking of getting your own place. There's really no reason not to (find a better job, find an affordable place) it is possible because I did it and I am not special.

 

You need to fix yourself socially because otherwise you won't be attractive to girls you might one day want to settle down with. I'd have major problems with someone who was in their mid- to-late 20's and still living at home with a midnight curfew. What would happen to you if you wanted to go on a weekend vacation with a girlfriend?! LOL

 

Just so you know, my ex (at 31) still lives at home. The ONLY reason it sort of worked for the 2.5 years we dated is because they don't care when he comes and goes. But even so, it was weird dating someone who lives with their parents at that age. Like I said, you still have time. But you don't want to be learning about society in your 30's.

[bdub02]

Moving out would require I quit school and get a full time factory job. I'm attending a local college right now on a scholarship. Getting a better part time job/co-op isn't an option because I don't have the connections, ether through friends or family to do it (I am in a rural area). Like I said, I'm stuck with my parents and will be for at least another year and a half. I have to figure out a way to make it work, and its not working right now.

[Baby Carrot]

Moving out would require I quit school and get a full time factory job. I'm attending a local college right now on a scholarship. Getting a better part time job/co-op isn't an option because I don't have the connections, ether through friends or family to do it (I am in a rural area). Like I said, I'm stuck with my parents and will be for at least another year and a half. I have to figure out a way to make it work, and its not working right now

 

bdub02:

 

I feel for you, Ive been there, I'm still kind of a prissioner.

 

For now, it'd be hard for you to attend to college and make enough money to pay a rent and food, and all that.

 

So, the best you can do -FOR NOW- is to hang in there... I know is not much of an answer, but you gotta take all this crap, and in your free time, start thinking of creative things that can get you out of there.

 

Maybe get a part time job and save all the money you can while you study. Once you're done, take that money to move to other place, and get a job to start supporting yourself.

 

Seems like you wanna solve this the hard way: convince your parents, and change their behaviors. Well, they're grown up people, plus they're kind of fundamentalists. You could probably spend the rest of your life trying to convince them and it'd be as effective as talking to a wall. Is not your job to change them.

 

It is way easier to figure out a way to runaway. Now that's your job, since is YOUR LIFE what we're talking about. You only have one. Don't waste it on lost causes.

 

You have the right to live ur life in your own terms.

 

Best of luck.

[Beec]

This is tough.

 

First of all your parents think what they are doing is for your own good. And they are convinced of it in th depths of their souls, or at least one of them is so convinced. The reason they do what they do is not a bad one. I've seen plenty of people, with similar faiths, have an idea that being "worldly" is just flat out bad. I don't get it. If you believe God made the world, then it cannot be so bad to be in it.

 

How to convince them that you should be let out into the world, which is so dangerous. Well, I think you need to probably convince them of the danger of not letting you have some freedom before you do that. There needs to be some ideal that makes you being allowed out appealing, be it for school or otherwise.

 

Alternatively, you are going to have to bide your time and wait until you can move out and leave them. That will involve some big upheavals in your family, and you'll have to expect that to be the case.

[bdub02]

Ive dealt with this for so long and I'm severly scarred mentally and emotionally. I've not socially developed with others my age because of it. I have no friends because of it and I am so lonely I frequently think of suicide.

 

Its my fault because I chose to stay here rather than go off to college because of a significant other I had at the time. How love blinds.

 

There has to be some solution short of quitting school and leaving cold turkey.

[treefrogkate]

Would it be possible to get a dorm for next semester? Alternatively, is anyone you know looking for a roomate?

 

Have you sat them down and explained to them, with utmost calm, that you are a good person, and that you are, in fact, 21 and legally an adult? Have you explained to them that they have already instilled their good virtues in you, and that you are confident that you will make the right decisions based on their guidance and upbringing?

 

By showing them that you are responsible enough to have an adult conversation with them, perhaps they will see that you have grown up and should no longer be treated like a child. DO NOT get baited into raising your voice, no matter what they say. Don't argue, just state your case in facts ("I am doing well in school, I do not use drugs, there is no reason why I shouldn't be allowed to go out with my friends.").

 

It may not work, but it's worth a shot. Good luck!

[treefrogkate]

Ive dealt with this for so long and I'm severly scarred mentally and emotionally. I've not socially developed with others my age because of it. I have no friends because of it and I am so lonely I frequently think of suicide.

 

Its my fault because I chose to stay here rather than go off to college because of a significant other I had at the time. How love blinds.

 

There has to be some solution short of quitting school and leaving cold turkey.

 

Love does indeed blind. I made some poor decisions because of exes, too. It happens to everyone.

 

What is going to happen if you choose to go out with your friends? You can try to test the boundaries a little, if you haven't in the past. Tell them that you are going out to dinner with friends, that you love them, and that you will be safe and will be home by midnight. And then leave! Don't get pulled into the "You're going to hell!" bit. Even if you're not going anywhere in particular with anyone in particular. See if this gets you anywhere.

 

Do you have any other family in the area you can stay with?

[bdub02]

All my family is part of the same church so it would be no better with any of them. I have seriously considered the dorm issue.

 

Getting a dorm would require me take out a student loan, which my parents have said they would do everything in their power to prevent me from doing. If I did that, I would not be able to return to my parents if i ever needed to and I would be placing myself in a financial burden.

 

Second, roommates are hard to come by when you don't have any friends. I do have one acquaintance from high school who I could possibly room with, but he's gay and while I dont have anything against gay people (most of them are very understanding), but I am scared to do that because I would basically be cast out of my family for associating with a homosexual. I would no longer exist to them. If it didn't work out with him, then where would I go and what would I do?

 

As of now thats not really an option but maybe somebody can give me some ideas.

[Ellie2006]

Hi Bdub02,

Sorry to hear that you are in a difficult situation right now ...

 

May I ask one question: how much longer till you graduate?

 

If you are graduating in the next year or so, maybe you should stick it out, like some of the others have said? I only say this bc you seem rather hesitant to burn bridges bt yourself and your parents (and rightly so! Even if you don't see eye to eye w/ them on certain matters, they are a big part of your life, regardless ...)

 

After weighing the good against the bad, if you truly believe they can only affect you (and your life) in a negative and destructive way, you really should consider getting a dorm and taking out a student loan (even if your parents might disapprove) ... If you choose to go the roommate route, keep in mind that you do NOT have to be friends w/ your roommates BUT make sure that this person is someone you can live with -- ie. has the same view about personal space, being timely in payment, sharing household duties, etc etc ...

 

If you *do* decide to move out, please do not leave your parents home in anger ... Try to avoid finger-pointing and also try to explain to them your need to move: emphasizing "independence" might be a good starting point?

 

Hope this helps ...

 

Take care ...

[bdub02]

I graduate in Spring 2008.

 

I get extremely jealous of my peers to the point it causes physical pain, because they all have lives I would so much love to enjoy. I compare my life to theirs because I should be having the best time of my life right now. When I talk to my best friend online it hurts when he tells me all the fun stuff he does with his college friends and I have to reply with something along the lines of "Sounds like so much fun, but I could never do that because my parents wont let me." My best friend had a life very similar to mine in high school, but he went off to college. I envy him because his life is what I could have had if I wouldn't have been blinded by love.

 

It looks like there is no easy solution to this =(.

 

I dont think I could approach my parents about this another time because of how harshly they react when I do. They tear me down emotionally in a way that I feel I have no choice but to submit. I dont know how they do it. As of now, I'll start considering the student loan thing again, although that will bring problems of its own.

[jengh]

wow... I am so sorry about your situation. Although I'm a bit younger, 19, my parents were the EXACT same way when I came home from college for the semester (not in the religious aspects but in the control issues). They literally wouldn't let me out of the house. I had to beg and plead. Eventually, they would but I would have to be home by 11PM!!! I went from coming and going as I please down at school to being held captive at my parents' house.

 

How did I solve this? Reminding them constantly that I am not 14 years old. I am a mature, responsible adult... that didn't work... So I started staying out later and later. They would get mad, try to ground me (!!!). Finally, I moved in temporarily with a friend. It made them SO mad at first... but after a while, they said I could move back in AND have my freedom. I still have to tell them where I'm going and who I'll be with but good lord...it's 10 billion times better than being kept on such a tight leash. In addition to moving out, I also took them with me to my therapist, who explained to them that I wasn't a little girl anymore. They had to let go.

[Siraf]

Wow it seems alot of people have this problem. I'm still stuck in the middle of it. I live with my brother and mother and life is hell everyday. It's too long a story to share but because of it, I have lost my friends, life, not allowed to get a normal job, have no tv, radio, nothingin the house, not allowed to read books or draw or write, and have had my confidence, self esteem, and happiness stripped from me. I'm sure alot of others know how it is to feel like this. It's like you've lost the will to fight anymore, and you feel you've become this unneccessarily living thing that has no purpose but to have pain thrown at you again and again. And eventually..your heart grows hard U_U. I've lost hope already. There's this tiny image in the back of my head which is constantly fading, of me having this beautiful wife and kids, in a simple home, with a simple job. And we're all happy and smiling. Smiling genuinely. Even thought I know this isn't going to happen in my life, I still hold onto it for some reason. It's the only thing that keeps me going. My advice to you is, if you have anything worth holding onto in your life, whether it's one best friend, or some beautiful girl you really like, or even if it's just seeing smiling people at work, then just hold onto that, and hopefully that'll keep you going until life decides to smile upon you too, and give you some ease =) I wish you all the best bdub02. Take care.

[blueangel]

link removed

 

I've never tried this before ^ but after I read this post, I came accross it.

[Siraf]

Oooh! Meditation! I'm bookmarking it!! Thanks!

[Duffy]

Well said, Rodeo!

 

bdub02....Have you applied for grants? I'm amazed at how ez it is now a days to get financial aid. You probably got your student loan based on your parents financial situation. May be its time to see if you can get a loan based on your own. If you dislike your situation as much as you say, then u will need to consider taking some risks or make some sacrifices to change it. Maybe delay school for a year. Maybe get a room vs. an apartment. Mybe explore the Job Corps, military, etc.

 

My guess is your parents, in addition to providing you some tight restrictions (based on the very fiber of their moral being!) also provide you with some luxuries (cable tv, transportation, computer access, internet, phone service, etc. etc.

 

Go see (or maybe rent the DVD) the movie Pursuit of Happyness. Its a true story about sacrifice, focusing on goals, and responsibility. I'll bet after you will see it you will 1) not think you have it so bad afterall, 2) find the motivation to do whatever you need to do to be happy. But understand, long term happiness often require short term sacrifices.

 

Now that I've typed that....

 

bdub02, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. You may feel like you are being scarred for life. You're not. Get thru school, get a job, get your own place, and create a great life for yourself. But retain some of the restraint your parents are trying to instill in you. I see so many young adults your age get their freedom, then 'explode' with their new found freedom. They overdue it, staying out late most nights. Party. Do dumb things. Suddenly they lose focus, screw up their job, and have to move back in with the parents. Make sure your path gets you out on your own for good!

 

And remember, your parents hearts are probably in the right place.