Possible Warning Signs?

[rainbowprincess264]

Hello,

 

I just wanted to ask your opinion on a situation that could be a red flag or just something I need to let go. I have been dating a new guy. The thing is he has made comments towards me on two different occasions. One day he said that when I come to visit him he wanted me to wear lipstick. Okay I let that one slide. Then just two days ago he said and I quote," I want you to have a hairdo." Okay this one pissed me off. Who is he to tell me what he wants for me? I got very angry and he just couldn't understand why it would make me angry. I told him that he was overstepping his boundaries and I told him that I wanted space. First of all I wear my hair like Jennifer Anniston's straight with a part in the middle. I love my hair and the way it looks. But then when I asked him why he wanted me to have a hairdo he couldn't give me a straight answer. Did I overreact to his commanding suggestions? He wasn't asking me he was telling me what he wanted. I just don't feel that anyone should tell anyone else what they want someone else to do or have. I don't know if this is an issue we can work on or what, but I am not going to put up with it. Is this a red flag that I should watch for? Please advise me. I welcome comments.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Well what you have described doesn't sound normal to me from a guy who really likes a girl. I would think that yes, the behavior your describing is probably a red flag. I would say if he really wants a woman who is more 'made up' or in some other way different from you, then he should just find one, and leave you alone. It sounds to me like he doesn't like you the way you are.

 

I once just began to date a guy who did stuff like that. He would say: "You'd be cute if ____________". Like, "You'd be cute if you cut your bangs straight accross". Whatever. Another guy also liked me, but I was trying to make a go of it with the first guy. I had enough of that really quickly and said, "You know, thanks for the advice, but Jim thinks I'm cute exactly the way I am". Dumped him, dated Jim.

[Siriana]

Hm, weird.... possible red flag.

How long are you dating?

If he said - you would look great with that new hairstyle I saw.... that's different than saying i want you to take a haircut!

my bf told me that he likes more how i look with shorter hair (he saw it on one of my pictures) but that was it.... he didn't ask me to cut my hair!

[rainbowprincess264]

That's the thing. He isn't asking me, he is "telling" me what he wants for me.

[Beec]

Without knowing more, he sounds very much like a guy in his late teens or early 20s who's a little too worried about how you reflect on him. I think you can choose to deal with this in several manners, one being end it. Another just refusing. Or another, trying to convince him that you will only do as he likes, if he does things that you like. Maybe you suggest he change how he dresses or something, and pick something he won't like. Maybe you go over to see him and when he shows up force him to go back in and change, and you pick out the clothes.

[Cadence308]

I think it's a red flag that this guy has certain standards for the way women or his gf should look. Some women might be okay with that. I wasn't. When I used to date men there were men all of the time trying to tell me what to wear, how to look, that I should have a six pack, etc. This one guy I went out with maybe three times (not even serious dating) seemed upset when I cut my hair about 1.5 inches all over (boy cut) and said to me, "I like girls with long, blonde hair down to their waist." We had just gone rockclimbing that day and I said, "I hope that you find that girl with long, blonde hair down to her waist and I hope that it doesn't get caught in the rope." That was the last time we hung out.

 

I agree with you that one should not be going around telling others how they should look. Sounds like this guy is not happy with the way that you look. I would tell him, "Maybe you should go and date someone with a hairdo!"

[rainbowprincess264]

Also he isn't exactly in the best of shape so maybe I should tell him that I want him to have six pack abs and lose weight. Wonder how that would make him feel? Maybe he needs a dose of his own medicine like Beec mentioned above.

[gfein347]

Rainbowprincess:

 

Hello and welcome to ENA!

 

In regards to your problem, I think you probably have a red flag. Given the way he phrased it, it sounds like he doesn't respect you. "I want..." sounds more like a command than a suggestion, which is clearly not a sign of respect.

 

I would tell him that you feel disrespected when he says things like that, and you won't tolerate being commanded to change your appearance (or to do anything!).

 

That's just my take on it, from a guy's perspective.

 

-gfein

[luvursmile]

Also he isn't exactly in the best of shape so maybe I should tell him that I want him to have six pack abs and lose weight. Wonder how that would make him feel? Maybe he needs a dose of his own medicine like Beec mentioned above.

 

You should do that! If he expects you to look like he wants you, then he should do the same for you. Tell him that you'll change your hair when he gets some abs! That'll teach him!

[rainbowprincess264]

Rainbowprincess:

 

Hello and welcome to ENA!

 

In regards to your problem, I think you probably have a red flag. Given the way he phrased it, it sounds like he doesn't respect you. "I want..." sounds more like a command than a suggestion, which is clearly not a sign of respect.

 

I would tell him that you feel disrespected when he says things like that, and you won't tolerate being commanded to change your appearance (or to do anything!).

 

That's just my take on it, from a guy's perspective.

 

-gfein

 

 

Thank you! I will do as you suggested and see how he responds.

[rainbowprincess264]

I have a suggestion. I ask that any of you take a look of my picture in my profile and tell me what I "Need" to change about my looks. I don't think I need to change a thing! I honestly think he is the one with low self esteem and wants to try and pick my looks apart.

[Siriana]

If you're dating a short period of time - I suggest dumping him - why bothering when you have red flags so soon.

 

If this was a long term relationship - than some talkin would be better.

 

 

Your hair looks good to me and you look good too. You're right, there is nothing to change.

[Beec]

I like the idea about telling him to get in better shape.

 

Maybe just show up at his place and tell him the two of you are going for a jog or do some calesthenics so he gets in better shape. And if he complains then, step right up and tell him, "THEN DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DO MY HAIR."

 

It is a sign of him possibly not showing respect or trying to control you. We all, men and women, do it, and yes, you need to deal with it. How you intereact in dealing with it should tell you a lot.

[luvursmile]

I think youre a beautiful woman! You dont need to change a thing.

[rainbowprincess264]

You should do that! If he expects you to look like he wants you, then he should do the same for you. Tell him that you'll change your hair when he gets some abs! That'll teach him!

 

 

I have got this suggestion in my arsenal just in case things escalate....

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yeah, you're cute. And even if you weren't If he doesn't like you the way you are, then maybe he should find someone he does.

 

Ha, I once had a (nother!) guy tell me outright his ideal woman was tall with blue eyes and straight blonde hair! Well I'm petite with green eyes and curly brown hair so I let him go, so he could get on with finding his ideal lol!

[barbielovesmac]

weird! thats a red flag. he might be the controlling type.

[rainbowprincess264]

Yeah, you're cute. And even if you weren't If he doesn't like you the way you are, then maybe he should find someone he does.

 

Ha, I once had a (nother!) guy tell me outright his ideal woman was tall with blue eyes and straight blonde hair! Well I'm petite with green eyes and curly brown hair so I let him go, so he could get on with finding his ideal lol!

 

Ya know, he tells me that I am beautiful and drop dead gorgeous all the time. He has only made the comment about my hair once. I still don't think he has the right to tell me what he wants for me. There are better ways of telling people things without sounding like a pushy commanding person. He could have said, "Baby I think you would look even hotter than you are now with this hairstyle that I saw." But no he chose to command and "tell" me what "he" wants.

[Cadence308]

You are a very attractive woman and it looks like you have a nice hairstyle!

 

I would tell him you want someone with abs.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Ya know, he tells me that I am beautiful and drop dead gorgeous all the time. He has only made the comment about my hair once. I still don't think he has the right to tell me what he wants for me. There are better ways of telling people things without sounding like a pushy commanding person. He could have said, "Baby I think you would look even hotter than you are now with this hairstyle that I saw." But no he chose to command and "tell" me what "he" wants.

 

I agree; it would have been one thing if he had merely suggested you'd look even hotter if you'd try something different, but the way he's saying it's almost like he's saying you're not good enough as is.

[rainbowprincess264]

You are a very attractive woman and it looks like you have a nice hairstyle!

 

I would tell him you want someone with abs.

 

 

Thanks. I am not going to change for him nor any other guy. But I think he needs a dose of his own medicine. He needs to see how it feels to be "told" what needs to be done or to be "told" what he needs to wear and how to look.

[blender]

HUGE RED FLAGS!!!! When someone "tells" you what to do without you having "asked" for his opinion, this is a common red flag of an "abuser/controller".

 

There is no reason for you to stick around with this guy. If your gut is telling you "something doesn't seem right" listen to this important instinct, do not sweep it under the carpet because you are so attracted to him or are temporarily blinded by the "newness" of romance.

 

His behavior is UNACCEPTABLE, not only what he "told you to do" but "how" he told you it. Wouldn't you tell a friend to not make a choice to be with someone who would "tell" them how to wear thier hair, or to "request" she wear lipstick?!?

 

It's so wise of you to seek advice on this one, because I have a feeling, your INTINCTS are urging you, nudging you, to take a step back and gain some perspective on what is you exactly see in this guy? What is it about his "character" that you respect, admire, about him?

 

Make sure he is worthy of YOUR energy, mind, and precious heart. It's starts with him "respecting you as you are".

[rainbowprincess264]

Thanks for this perspective. The answer he gave me when I asked him why he wanted me to have a hairstyle was this, "Because it enhances how beautiful you already are." Still it is wrong and was way out of line for him to "tell" me what he wanted for me. Then he went on to say that I didn't need anything to look beautiful to him. Then I said that I don't need enhancing and before I hung up on him I told him that maybe it's "him" that needs enhancing.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I have a suggestion. I ask that any of you take a look of my picture in my profile and tell me what I "Need" to change about my looks. I don't think I need to change a thing! I honestly think he is the one with low self esteem and wants to try and pick my looks apart.

 

Hmm, I read your other post, so first there's the possible lipstick stain and now he's telling you he wants you to have a hairdo? Definite red flag to me. I'd give him a taste of his own medicine, see if he likes how it tastes. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, you're an attractive woman and I love your hairstyle. He's just an idiot who's likely insecure about his own self. I had an ex who started gaining weight and as a result would tend to insult me for flaws he 'percieved.' I was perfectly fine if you asked other dudes (better-looking ones, at that) who wanted to date me. So, a lot of this I think stems from insecurity.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

And yeah, I'd agree with blender that this *might* be a sign of a controller. Can't be entirely sure based upon just one comment however, so keep an ear open.