He asked me out but I think he has a girlfriend...

[Lily04]

I met this amazing guy at my work yesterday....it was quite random actually, as he used to work there last year but was just there to visit a friend of his. In any case, his friend's meeting went way overtime so we ended up talking for about 2 hours together, had a great chemistry and then he asked me out for drinks... I declined as I said I really had to study for finals next week but then he asked for a raincheck and I said OK, and he added me to his MSN.

 

All of this sounds like he might be interested in me as more than a friend right? And when I began to suspect if his 'friend' was actually a girlfriend (as he kept calling her/emailing her to ask when the meeting was over.....but if he liked my company so much why would he be so concerned?) he called his friend and loudly said "oh yeah and I just wanted to say.......no reason really but just wanted to say that I went shopping with Kate for her wedding gown and it looked really good..." but he didn't have a wedding/engagement ring so I don't think it was her...and he always just called her a "friend." But the fact that he kept wanting to see her still sorta bugged me I guess. I think he really just did that to clarify for me that she was just a friend and not a gf.

 

BUT then afterwards while he was talking with his friend he mentioned how he stupidly called his "girlfriend" while drunk!!!!! And then he noticed I could still hear his conversation and was like "oh sh*t... that sounded really bad....never meant it like that." So I think he meant to say his "ex-gf"?? But maybe not.

 

Either way at that point I wanted to ask him if he had a girfriend but my professor came in and started talking and I forgot.....

 

I don't know. He hasn't been on MSN yet but I want to ask if he has a gf. Do you think I should just directly ask, or be more subtle...? Or how should I ask, I just met him....I feel so confused i don't even want to ask.......all the guys I really like tend to have gfs but there's still a connection b/w us, so I honestly wouldn't be surprised....and some still hit on me.

 

I just don't want to be hurt again.... For some reason my radar says he has a girlfriend, I just have this instinctive feeling he does, so even if he says he doesn't, I'm not sure I'll trust him.....

[Hope75]

Hmmm...

 

In a situation like there where he is acting a big vague about his relationship status, I think I would just come out and ask him, are you seeing anyone right now?

 

You are right to put your guard up, something does seem fishy.

 

See what he says- and then decide from there if you think he is being honest or not.

[Lily04]

Thanks so much Hope. He is online right now but not responding....I'll see. I still don't quite trust this, somethign seems a bit fishy!!! But I'm glad I never got attached too quickly....like with some guys. I'm being wary about this and respectign myself above all so if I don't trust him I will let him know.

[Q10]

yup sounds like he might be with someone but looking for someone else.. like a monkey who won't let go of one branch before grabbing another one.

 

Happy birthday btw.

[Lily04]

Hey,

 

Thanks guys. I took your advice and asked him directly.....felt a bit weird but said I had to know because I've had attached guys ask me out in the past and wanted to know straight up.

 

And he said he respects that, and no he is completely single! And he said that he is also interested in me.

 

So hopefully we will have a date planned soon! =) once all the craziness of school dies down a bit...

[AwdreeHpburn]

wow - good for you Lily. Way to take initiative. And way to command respect for yourself as a no-nonsense kind of girl!

 

Keep us posted on your date??

[Lily04]

Thanks ta ree saw!! And btw it's not my b-day...I accidentally entered the wrong date in my profile... oops! My b-day is Dec. 11th, in 2 weeks. perhaps we shall go somewhere to celebrate...as a date.

[kiwifly]

I'm glad you just asked him straight up Lily, very brave of you Makes me wish I had the guts to pull of something like that. Let us know how your date goes!

[Lily04]

Hey kiwi,

 

thx so much! for sure i'll let u guys know.....i'm so happy, I'm almost scared....usually when i'm really into a guy I get hurt (as you know from past conversations kiwi..) so I'm always now about playing it safe and casual and not having any expectations....even if he decides not to go out that's cool, at least i wasn't really hoping for it & thereforeeee never got hurt [although it is technically a bit hard since I do like him...but whatever.]

[Hope75]

Hey,

 

I'm glad that you asked him straight out too. That is usually the best way, and then it saves you the agony of wondering what he's thinking or doing.

 

And don't you feel soo much better about it now!

[Lily04]

Thanks... I suppose. I still feel a bit wary though. Why do I feel so hesitant? He told me he doesn't have a girlfriend....and today he messaged me asking if I need any help with anything (i.e. with my schoolwork) to let him know and we can work it out..that was so sweet. But although I like him, I'm so scared. I don't want to like him. I don't want to really like anyone anymore, as I've always been hurt when I did.

 

Should I trust him? ... right now I just keep telling myself 'you don't really like him anyway, don't bother messaging him or flirting with him' even though I do... I don't want him to know I like him in a way. I'm so scared to like someone....anymore.

[kiwifly]

Lily, I know you've been hurt in the past, and right now that's blurring your vision of the great opportunity ahead of you. I know how you feel scared, but you can't let it keep you from possibly having a great time that might even make you forget about all those times you've been hurt. You're aware of this, which is a good thing, and since you are you should take that opportunity and tell yourself not to be scared. Give this guy a chance, and give yourself a chance. It's natural not to trust someone you don't know yet, but if you don't give yourself a chance to know him then you could never find out if he's actually trustworthy or not. Just relax, remind yourself that there is nothing to be afraid of, and go for it! You won't regret it.

[Lily04]

Hey kiwi,

Thanks… you’re right. I shouldn’t doubt him so much. I don’t think he has a girlfriend anymore… but I suppose I’m just wondering why he’s interested in me. I’m scared he will realize if we start dating that I’m not as smart as he originally thought or something… I’m just so scared……it’s so hard to let go.

[Lily04]

This is awful.........he is online right now but I am scared to message him/flirt with him........

[wexmen]

do youn know a man can love more than 1 girl at a moment ??

 

it sound uncomfortable , right ??

 

i think he is making decision to be with whom .

 

asked him straightaway is good , but do not constantly ask ,you might make

 

him feel that you are so troublesome.

[bitbit]

just ask flat out: do you have a girlfriend? a lot of guys lie by omission b/c they think it's not really lying if you don't ask them directly.

[Lily04]

just ask flat out: do you have a girlfriend? a lot of guys lie by omission b/c they think it's not really lying if you don't ask them directly.

 

Hey. I actually did do this!! lol. And he said no. I agree with you though so that's why I did it... but now I'm just worried that he's going to dump me when he finds out I'm actually not that smart....he has a really high IQ which is evident when you talk with him.... I am smart but intelligence isn't one of my best traits, I think people like me more for my personality than anything....do you think it's stupid to be worried about this though? I just don't want to be hurt.... again.

 

Lily

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Just keep cool and relax while with him.

 

Be yourself.

[bitbit]

it's a proven fact that men go for women who are smart, but not smarter than them. plus... it's a macho thing... guys love to teach and explain things. i ask my b/f questions that i already know the answer to so he can feel like a big boy ;-)

[kiwifly]

Lily, from what I know you are a smart girl and have a sweet personality. What guy would not like that? If he were to think you weren't smart enough to meet his standards, then that wouldn't be someone you'd want to spend time with. Someone worth your time will like you for you.

 

Right now, you're jumping to conclusions though - this guy hasn't said any of this to you! So just take it one step at a time. Next time he's online, message him. Go out, have some fun, and see what happens from there.

 

Next time you post here, it better be about how your first date went!

[Lily04]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks so much...

 

I think you're right... he is smarter than me, but he also told me that he thinks I'm smart but in "different ways" than most people, and I completely agree with that. I have more 'practical' smarts; i.e. I know how to negotiate, lead teams, win elections and such, but doing well in school isn't so much my thing, unfortunately. He has more academic smarts... but that's OK. Overall, we're totally on the same wavelength, we can converse together very well, intelligently, we have the same sense of humour and can laugh at ourselves and I think that's the most important thing.

 

So... that said, today we actually *did* have our first date!! We went out to a really sweet little restaurant downtown for breakfast and then studied together almost all day...I really like him. At first it took me a while to get comfortable and learn to trust him, but I'm starting to open up more which he's noticing as well...

 

So just taking it one step at a time. Thanks again... =)

 

Lily

[Lily04]

it's a proven fact that men go for women who are smart, but not smarter than them. plus... it's a macho thing... guys love to teach and explain things. i ask my b/f questions that i already know the answer to so he can feel like a big boy ;-)

 

lol, I agree... we studied together and he helped me with my work... and I think he enjoyed it. And I didn't really feel uncomfortable/insecure about that, so it worked...

[bitbit]

told ya! haha

[agualibre777]

hmmm... why did he make the girlfriend comment though? maybe you can ask him about his last girlfriend? that might be weird. but before it gets serious i think you might want to... you don't want to be a rebound either.

[Lily04]

hmmm... why did he make the girlfriend comment though? maybe you can ask him about his last girlfriend? that might be weird. but before it gets serious i think you might want to... you don't want to be a rebound either.

 

Yeah, good point... this is what I was suspecting... also, he mentioned that he didn't want to study with me in the law library because he was scared of bumping into his ex-girlfriends...

 

how do I bring it up though?

 

I'll have to try it subtely this time... say something like 'so you like hitting on undergrad girls? you told me you only go for law students though, on our last date (although the first time we met you said you DID date an undergrad when u were in law school. what's up with that?)

 

then he can be like 'oh *** you figured out i lied." (and that was a white lie, i don't really care that much if he dated undergrads...)

 

but then it can be a segueway to "well... when was your last relationship?did you just break up with your gf?"

 

hitting 2 stones at once...