A Success Story broken. Left again after getting back together

[selfi]

Hi everybody,

 

As I sit here trying to type out what has happened to me in the last two weeks all I feel is like somebody is sending a knife throughout my entire mind and body.

 

Im not sure whether some of you would remember me from nearly a year ago (you can go through my first few topics posted here if you wish);

I came to this forum to help cope with my boyfriend leaving me with no apparent explanation, and I struggled with NC for three months.

 

Anyways, early this year we got back together and for the past eight months things were going so well. The relationship was stronger than before and we had both grown up emotionally, and were appreciative that we were in eachothers lives once again.

 

We finished our last year of college together, and as my trust was built back up in him, our love for eachother felt infinite.

Sure we had the odd argument here and there, but the good outweighed any negetivity undoubtedly.

 

Three weeks ago we went a magical holiday to The Gold Coast which for both of us was one of the best time of our lives.

 

To cut things short - three days after we returned he rang me up as usual to wish me goodnight.

But just before he hung up he quickly mentioned that he and a group of his friends were to go on an overseas holiday for two weeks. I told him that I was happy for him yet at the same time I felt a little bit offended as our trip to the Gold Coast lasted only four days (due to his request) yet he had no problem commiting to a much longer holiday with his male friends. There was a pause on the phone. Suddenly said "Im leaving you"

It felt so surreal I couldnt even react.

 

He came to my house two days later for 15 minutes to say goodbye in person. He wouldnt negotiate working things through, having a break, or even explaining to me in detail his decision.

He told me even though he loves me more than Ill ever know and knows in his heart he doesnt want to do this, he kept saying "I cant be with you anymore" And that was it.

 

Evan said he cant see or speak to me indefinitely and though its led me to utter mental chaos, Ive only called him twice since and written him a letter, opting to take the pain out on myself, than ruin any chance of reconsiliation.

 

I dont want to write too much and burden you all with other details, but I would love for any of you to please send me some support, as I dont know what to do this time round.

Should I be actively trying to save this relationship with contact?

Is disappearing from Evan's life all of a sudden, the easy way out for him? Has anybody else here been gotten back together than been left again? Was his entire decision based on that comment I made to him about going overseas?

 

Thanking you all in advance,

 

- Selfi.

[InLoveAndWaiting]

Please don't feel like this has all been caused by one comment, he has other reasons for this for which you are unaware, that is what hurts the most. I can understand what you are going thru, when you love someone and want to be with them, it is the most difficult thing in the world when those feelings aren't reciprocated. I think you should take this time to get ahold on your emotions, because at this point, everything you do is going to be driven by your emotions. I know I am not the best person to help you in this situation right now, as I am having a hard time dealing with my own emotions, but there are alot of great people on here with good advice, people that are willing to give you support. I wish you the best.

[Belle]

Selfi,

 

I'm so sorry you're having to go through the same drama twice with the same guy. I wish you would stop beating yourself up about it. It's clearly his issue. Good people don't just up and leave with no real explanation. Twice. Selfish people do. He is not good for you. He is not good for anyone if he can do this to you.

 

Please stay in nc with him and don't worry about how to get him back. This one is not worth getting back. When you think about all of the things you wanted out of a boyfriend before you met him, being dumped cold like this with no forewarning is probably not what you had in mind.

 

Heal and move forward. There are others out there who will not put you through this nonsense.

[bigheart09]

Wow, I am so sorry that you have to go through this! I am going through a breakup myself, and have found this site to be so helpful. If you are anything like me, you are probably sitting around analyzing and trying to figure out what happened. When I read what happened, I couldnt believe it. How can he say that he loves you and leave for no reason? My advice is to give him some time and he will probably contact you in the future and give you some reasons.

[Lady Bugg]

I'm with Belle. If this guy can dump you cold for NO reason.........it's HIS issue. Sorry...but his "reasons" seem...well...fishy.

 

I would certainly do my best to move forward with NC. You did NC before and managed to survive......I KNOW it's tough..but you deserve SO much better than that. This guy is a schmuck for leaving you like this.....not to mention heartless. If he is capable of doing this to you more than once......do you think he won't do it again? More importantly..are you prepared to sit around waiting for it to happen???

[sandyv]

Selfi: It all sounds very familiar to me, been there, done that, he is a selfish person, I think probably you just have to let him go....

 

I went through the same kinda stuff, and yeah it hurts, but we gotta get past that.... how could he be so cruel.... just like my ex.....

 

He was soo loving, and for no apparent reason at the time, just dropped off the planet, with no regard for how much I loved him... nothing at all.....

[selfi]

Thanks for your responses guys. I always swore to myself that I wouldnt be prepared to go through the same sort of pain twice and here I am again. There is alot of shame and embarrasment asociated with my grief because its with the same guy and people seem to offer less sympathy, assuming I should of learnt my lesson. It only makes this so much worse.

 

I wasnt a strange and tempremental girlfriend, I was loving, considerate and most importantly his best friend.

 

On the phone last week he read (whilst crying) out a long letter which he wrote, explaining how he feels. The letter entailed no explanation, just empty declarations of his endless love for me that must be ended for now. I know the dumper goes through a hurting too so Is this just his guilt speaking?

 

The reason I want to contact him so badly is that oddly, after we speak, I dont cry as much and feel temporarily calmer, feeding off hope once the conversations over.

Sorry if it seems like im looking for some sort of backup to break NC, im not.

 

As much of a state as im in now, the advice I ever gave to anyone else on this forum in the past I feel is not valid now, because all those months of healing I did last year seem put to waste.

[lvlyldy]

Hi,

 

I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. I was on this site almost everyday 8 months, actually almost 9 months ago when my ex broke up with me. Very similarly, I wasnt really given a reason except that it was "him and not me" and that he was "unhappy". For the longest time afterwards all I could think about was getting him back. He never came back, and we've had no contact for about 5-6 months now. about a month ago I ran into him with his new girlfriend, so I guess it wasnt all him and not me after all.

 

Whatever the case, with time I was able to realize he was never the right person for me. I loved him with all my heart, and he was completely selfish.. in fact the way he had been behaving (ditching me when I was sick in the hospital) I should have dumped him. My advice is also to let him go. No one who can do this to you deserves you. If anything, realize you are a loving and caring person and that one day you will meet someone who will appreciate and love you the way you deserve to be.

 

You gave him a second chance and he proved that he is a total jerk again. Now you can have no regrets about him... you know who he really is. I wish you the best, I know this might not mean much now... but the pain will start to lessen everyday you will get better.

[onelittleladybug]

Selfi -

 

Im fairly new to this site and I havent read any of your previous posts. I just want to share with you the one thing I immediately thought of when I read this. I know this is not what you want to hear right now but its just one perspective. If it doesnt help then feel free to ignore it.

 

I personally believe that at this day and age, people your age arent generally ready to commit (I noticed you mentioned you both were finishing college). I think that timing has a lot to do with relationships and that if you meet the right person but at the wrong time the timing can be crucial. At the same time I believe that you always do right by sticking to what is important to you and what you believe in. I understand how devastating it must be to go through this the second time but I absolutely think that whatever your history is (and again - I didnt read it) if you went by your gut feeling it was the right thing to do. But sometimes the right thing doesnt last.

 

Please dont hate me for saying this but just give it a thought: A seriously committed relationship at this time could be the worst thing that ever happened to you. It could also be the best but I just think that the ones who can do that at this age are relatively few.

 

I met my first boyfriend when I was 16 going on 17 and he was such an amazing person that any girl would be crazy to let him go. Yet I did. I am 34 and I am infinitely grateful that he was my first love but I am also really glad we didnt end up together because he is a guy who got old really fast and I was a girl who moved to another continent and explored the world and am finally now ready to settle down. He was ready for that 14 years ahead of me.

 

No one knows what happens between people. I know so many people who got back together months and years later. And I know many people who didnt. I've been through many minor breakups but I met the love of my life when I was 32 and when we broke up 5 months ago it felt like my heart was being ripped out. But now Im really excited about my life again and I know that if he does come back it will be a bonus. The rest of my life is in a pretty good shape.

 

I hope you find the spark of your life again and remember that you can be as passionate about yourself as you have been about him.

[brando]

Well their isn't much you can do here. It is about what he seems to want, and that is much different than what you want. Their are no formulas or sure fireways of getting someone back. The more you chase him the further he will run. So i would leave it be and simply live you life.

 

Only he knows the reasons why he told you on the phone he is leaving you. All the speculatig one can waste so much time on will offer nothing more than questions. Accept what he has told you, as hard as it maybe, and as painful it is, acceptance is the best way to get through this.

[selfi]

Yes, there is nothing I can do but accept.

For weeks I have been racking my brain as to why he left again, but my contradicting thoughts have been so painful which predictably led me to ring him yesterday.

 

I told him striaght out that I was calling because I just WANTED to and the conversation involved; him telling me that he wants to call me but know he "cant" right now, he misses me, finds himself checking his phone regularly for my calls and similar things along those lines...in other words crumbs, which is heartbreaking in itself.

no promises of anything except that he will be in touch.

 

I know he isnt wondering around having the time of his life apart from me, so what makes a person disappear with no substance/ reason? I very well could be too young to have the clarity I need right now, but that doesnt make this any less traumatic.

Having this done a second time round by the same person, only makes NC harder.

[sandyv]

God knows what is anyones reasoning for just dropping off the face of the planet, but yeah it happened to me to, and he said he loved me, wanted to spend the rest of our lives growing old together....

 

then poof, all gone, nothing more, and he doesn't care, and I'm heartbroken, way older than you, but believe me the pain is the same.....

 

 

Just know you have lots of time ahead of you, and me..... I'm just trying to move on.... you will be ok....

 

Sandy

[selfi]

Yes, I agree with you all, I cant analyze his mixed signals which waver hope in front of me constantly. (But the fact that he has come back to me previously is the main fuel to the fire; ie, will he do it again?)

 

I also see so many posters like myself here who are trying to reconcile with somebody who has vanished, each one of us secretly thinking our case is different and may carry light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I suppose I realise on this forum that there are no answers to questions im posing, no matter how I word them; just advice, opinions and support, which im so very appreciative to have been given

[Scotcha]

Hi selfi, welcome back, though I am sorry to hear you are hurting again.

 

It's good that you are at least trying to maintain no contact this time. I remember all the crumbs and little slivers of hope that he threw your way before and I just don't want to see you going through that again. As a warning I would just want to point out that he already seems to be falling into that same pattern.. Telling you how much he loves you.. If for no reason other than this, maintain no contact to protect yourself from his hurtful behavior.

 

I know you are aching for a reason, something concrete, something you possibly hope you can change.. I've felt the same way before and at the time I felt that knowing the exact reason would be the only way I could get closure. The truth is, closure only comes with time and healing. His "reason" does not really matter. I think you must know in your heart that a man who truly loved you would not leave you and that is really what any "reason" a relationship ends for comes down to. I know it hurts to face that very simple fact, that the person we love so much just doesn't want to be with us anymore, but when you do find someone who truly loves you as much as you love them you will be very glad your ex let you go. That is something I can promise you.

 

It doesn't matter if this was your first break up ever, your hundredth, your first break up with this guy, or the thousandth.. Heart break always feels the same. The only thing that changes is how we are able to recover because heart break is really something you have to learn to get through. Speaking from my own experience, the first time I was heart broken I was a rotten mess for a very long time. The second time I was a rotten mess for a long time and the third time (but my second time with the same person) I was just a rotten mess. I guess my point is that it always hurts but you better learn how to pick your self up and move onward.

 

I would suggest if you haven't already to re-read your previous thread. The perspective would be very helpful. It might help you see the ways in which he led you on and your own behaviors which set you back. I know you didn't have the chance to completely recover from your first break up but you were strong enough to do it once and you are strong enough to do it again.

 

I know you are wanting very much for him to come back and it is very difficult to not hope, especially when he has done so before. Selfi, it's time to be selfish. What you want right now and what you need are two very different things. Put yourself first and do what is best for you because no matter what the future holds you need to heal.

 

Take care of yourself. ((hugs))

[selfi]

Scotcha, your reply pinpointed how I feel. I briefly read through my last thread, it gave me perspective yet also hurt so much to read.

I suppose factors like work, friends and family expect me to 'suck it all up' have a cry then be done with it, which Im finding impossible.

Everymorning I wake up and remember what has happened all over again, its like some sort of terrible Groundhog Day!

As you wrote, you know that I am waiting for him to come back but time will only tell ay, guess I shouldnt be waiting at all...

[Scotcha]

No, don't wait. Waiting will only make you hurt longer.

 

There are times when life demands that we "suck it all up" but there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. In order to heal you have to allow yourself the chance to grieve. Don't let anyone down play how you feel, you have every right. In order to move forward you have to face the present.. Baby steps. You'll pull through this.

[selfi]

No, don't wait. Waiting will only make you hurt longer.

 

At the moment im counting down the days till he rings me is pretty much the only thing I look forward to, does this mean that im just waiting for "crumbs" ?

I dont want "crumbs"......

[Scotcha]

When you wait, hoping for someone to someday maybe take you back, you are putting your heart on hold. It keeps you in a sad place. I know because I've been there too.

 

But I don't think you are waiting for crumbs. I think you are waiting for something to help make you feel better. Right now it might feel as if the only thing that can make you feel happy is him.. And that's because the last thing that made you happy was him. Find something new that makes you happy..

 

A new book by your favorite author, coffee with a friend, maybe a walk through a park or a new neighborhood, trying something new like sushi, a new movie that you are interested in seeing or renting an old favorite.. I like video games, poetry, and picking up a new craft to busy myself with.

 

The point is, you need to give yourself something else to look forward to.

 

And if you don't want crumbs.. Don't accept them! Don't ever accept anything that is less than what you want. Wait till someone offers you the whole slice.. Better yet, the whole cake.