Testing someone's love

[drum4god]

I am going through alot with my girlfriend. I don't believe she is in love with me. She feels it at times, but at other times she doesn't. This is causing her a lot of confusion about her feelings. I love her so much, but I have never forced her to stay with me. She even came back to me after she broke up. I think she is dealing with fear, but to be honest I don't know.

 

I also think part of the problem is she is taking me for granted. She knows how much I love her, she knows I will always be there, but she did something that really made me snap inside (I posted this on another thread also). I sent her some pictures of us via e-mail. I told about it last week, but I know she doesn't check her e-mails every day. I spoke to her Sunday, and she was telling me she was going through all her e-mails and responding to some of her friends. I asked her about the picture I sent her, she said she saw it, but didn't open it yet. I told her to let me know what you think after you see them.

Well its been 3 days and she didn't e-mail, or mention anything about it. Yeah, it doesn't seem like a big deal, but I don't know. If she sent me a e-mail with beautiful pictures of us, I wouldn't able to wait to open them.

 

When I thought about it. I started to think. What am I doing? I do so much for this girl. I am there for her. I love her, and she can't even respond to an e-mail. She knows that would have meant the world to me.

 

I don't know why I believe her when she says she loves me, and thinks about having children with me. I believe her when she prays that we can bless each other, and meet each others needs. I believe her when she says nothing will come between us. I believe that she is so in love with me, the way she looks at me.

 

With that said. She doesn't owe me anything. I do things for her, not to get something back, but because I love her. However, when you think the things you do are not appreciated, or recepricated you wonder. You wonder why is she with you after a year. You wonder what her motives are when she won't let you go. It can't be because of pity, because she broke up with me before and I was fine. I didn't contact her once. I moved on, and I would do it again.

She knows I have told her if she didn't have the feeling she needed she can move on. She knows all of this. If she didn't love me, why does she hang on.

 

Anyway, this e-mail thing is turning my heart. There is even a part of me that wants to walk away, which lead me to my next question.

 

If I walk away and truly mean it. Can it make her reflect and fall in love. She may be already, but is just afraid. She came back to me before, but she told me she missed me, and said the thought of another women in my arms drove her nuts. I am attractive and outgoing, so I don't have problems meeting women. Its just when I fall in love I tend to lose my backbone. I become like mush.

 

I have read many stories of people breaking up with their mates because they weren't in love. Only to rediscover they did love them when they left. I really believe that would be the case here, but I don't want to do it as a tactic. However, how else do I test her love. She says she loves me, but certain things she does proves other wise.

 

Or do I just stop giving, and let her do a little. For instance I am going to see her tonight. I am usually warm and affectionate, but I want to be a little indifferent tonight. I guess tactic are not always good, but I just feel taken for granted. Now I need to guard my heart a little bit. What are you thoughts. My mind is a little clouded now, and I probably can't see straight. I just don't want to be mush in front of her anymore. I know me. If she is in a good mood, I am going to be the same way, and then end the night saying I love you, and I think everythings O.K when its not.

 

Help.

[honeyspur]

I have been in a similar situation with my bf.

We've been off and on at least five times in 11 years. 4 times it was my decision - once it was mutual.

Everytime I left, it was because of the concerns you listed above. The point is, you need to do things for YOUR sake - not just for you, but to set the example to her that you have boundaries that need to be regarded.

It is MUCH harder and MUCH braver to leave a relationship when things aren't that terrible. She will recognize this herself if you are able to go through with it.

Keep believing her feelings for you - she DOES care no matter what anyone says. It is impossible to receive love in all the ways we need from one person because needs and wants are so individual and open to interpretation. Love is something you need to trust. This is not about love - it's about learning things about each other through drastic, serious actions. Take your time apart and let her learn more about you.

[blender]

quote:

When I thought about it. I started to think. What am I doing? I do so much for this girl. I am there for her. I love her, and she can't even respond to an e-mail. She knows that would have meant the world to me.

 

If she didn't have the feeling she needed she can move on. She knows all of this. If she didn't love me, why does she hang on. 'end quote'

 

The question here is "why do YOU hang on?"

 

If this "love" is confused with "ego" then it's time to move on... yes, it will be tough to do, but if you are starting to feel some "resentment" like over this email thing.. then that is only the tip of the iceberg of the kind of resentment you will build over time towards her, by choosing to stay in a relationship that is not feeling 'respectful and reciprocal"

 

You asked if you decided to break it off, would she come back because she found out she loves you? If you are thinking this way, it's time to set some standards and values for your own heart, and if you are feeling that you are not respected and cherished by her, then yes, you can lovingly say goodbye, and give her the chance to "discover" if you are thee one...

 

The only way she can find out she loves you, is if YOU love yourself enough to set some standards, values and boundaries on what YOU desire in a relationship and what YOU are willing to give.. in order for a relationship to work, it has to be built on a mutual understanding of how you both choose to "define" it...

 

If you believe that "real, authentic, respectful" love is different then what you are experiencing here, then it's time to realize this is your "truth" and to let go and see if she can discover through the loss of you in her daily life, that she indeed wants to make an intentional effort to build a relationship, a respectful, kind, no game playing, no walking on egg shells to keep the other happy, loyal, loving, mature, mutually attentive relationship..

 

Why would YOU settle for less for yourself, when it is "more" that you are willing to give?

 

 

 

Help.

[drum4god]

I bumped my own thread to ask another probably dumb question. Its my girl's 30th birthday. We are going out with friends tonight, and I am taking her out alone tomorrow. I just bought her a card, and to be honest I don't know what to write in it. My heart wants to write my true feelings for her, but if you read my other posts I am in a situation where I need to guard my heart. I do have to admit, things between us this week were great, and she has been kind and affectionate. Its just hard. I have heard all the great things from her before and then she flaked on me. This has happened a few times. I want her birthday to be special. I mean it is her 30th. I want to write a nice card and tell her I love her, but at the same time I don't want to go overboard. It also doesn't help I am not great at writing. Any help would be appreciated. Do I start out writing something funny. Like "Wow, you 30 years old" and keep it funny. Do I write something about "We been through alot but we have survived". Obviously I can focus too much about us, because its really about her, but I do want to write something about what she means to me.

 

Please help. I have to write this within the next 2 hours.

 

Thx.

[mikeca]

I second blender's post. I'm in the exact same situation, I tend to let things she did go because I was blind by love, but now that she doesnt respond like she did before my eyes are open, and its time for me to look after myself.

 

I think you should talk to her and if you dont like what you hear, be prepared to walk.

[drum4god]

I think the handwriting is on the wall. It was her 30th birthday this weekend, and we had a nice time for the most part. We went out with some of her college friends Saturday night and took her out to a nice dinner last night. Things seemed great until I dropped her off at her house. When I kissed her goodbye, her mouth was sort of closed. I found it strange, because all through the night she was kissing me with her mouth open and even some tongue. She did it again last night. It bothered me so much, but I didn't want to overanalyze it. I bought her some gifts and a nice birthday card, and then gave her a few roses at the end of the night. Perhaps I was very upset because I expected more affection from her. I was also upset that she didn't say I love you, but God Bless you at the end of the night. Again I could have said it, but I said it in the card, and always say it.

 

Guys, I feel like a fool. I really do, but there is nobody to blame but myself. I have given my heart to a women that is not taking care of it, or doesn't seem to want. She only seems to want it when I am ready to book. I just don't understand why I can't book. Is it because I only date Christian women and there aren't many that I'm attracted too? Its probably a case of Oneitis (thinking she is the only women I will fall in love with). Is it because I am 37 and have invested so much in this and hate to give up easily? Is it because at times she made me believe she was in love with me, and wanted to do everything to meet my needs? She has told me this many times. Is it because I am comfortable with women who are emotional unavailable? I don't even enjoy talking with her. Most of our conversations are about her job (she is a chemist), food, or spiritual matters (which I don't mind). But she doesn't seem to take interest in me. The oddest thing is I am in a band, and she never asks about it. Never! I know she once she told me she didn't like the fact I was in that enviornment (I don't drink, and she doesn't either). We have a CD coming out soon, and its never something she asks about. I am starting to see, she is only concerned about herself. She won't watch a football game with me. She doesn't want to compromise about going to our parents for Christmas (she wants to be with her parents both Christmas eve and Christmas). All this, and I still want her. I am so mad at myself. I really am. I feel trapped. I know what you guys are thinking. You need to book, focus on yourself. I know this. I just don't know why I am having trouble doing this.

 

Today is technically her birthday, and I honestly don't even want to call her. I am starting to withdraw, and maybe that is a good thing.

 

I just needed to vent. Guys, I really I can't seem to see clearly. I want to. I want to get outside of myself, and say dude you deserve so much better. There are a ton of women who throw themselves at you, and though my girl is a hot latina (I have a thing for the Latin momis) she isn't all that. Yesterday in church her breath was so bad, and yet I didn't mind. I wanted to say something, but it was her birthday and didn't want to ruin her day. You see I have put this girl on a pedestal, and she probably can use a little knock here and there. Its just not something I enjoy doing. I like to build people up, but in this case it doesn't seem to be benefiting me.

 

Hopefully I will wake up. I can't deal with this anymore.

 

I really don't know what to do. I feel like a sucker. I want to believe she loves me, because of the magical moments we had. But in reality its just crumbs. I don't know. I always believe, just give it time, and she will come around. But the truth is, she probably won't. Its not like something is going to click in her and say, wow I'm in love.

 

Guys, I am really confused. I really can't see straight right now.

[mikeca]

we seem to be at a crossroads, I too knew I shouldve seen these warning signs and done something earlier. I do the exact same thing with the pedestal, and now it feels she's taken me for granted. It's amazing I would tell a friend exactly what he should do in my situation but for me to do it myself took so long.

 

But after awhile thinking on the subject, I can see clearer now. I think you can too.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Well to me it sounds like she is just afraid. I don't think you should break up with her striaght away. And i think if she says all those she means it. From what you've said of her she sounds a lil like myself in relationships. Doesn't wanna let you in completely because then she could get hurt so badly. But yes she came back for you. That means she cares, alot! So give her a bit, but talk to her. Tell her what you need and want. My bf did that and now i'm trying as hard as i can. Just let her know how you feel. Tell her you need her support as well. See how she reacts. Hope things work out for you.

[whoops]

dont waste time make a decision and stick to it - if you dont want to get married with this girl and she isnt the one get rid asap dont mess her life up to due to how you are not feeling happy with the relationship all the time