heres the thing

[ZZZ]

hello all, I'm new here. I am a forty one year old woman. My Boyfriend is 46 , we have been together 6 years. Once we lived together breifly , but most of the time we have both lived in our own houses.

 

While I was still married (terrible marriage ) I knew him, we were friends, I cried on his shoulder often, after a time he told me that he loved me. Eventually I left my husband. This friend of mine was in my life immediately, I actually had to tell him that he needed to give me some space , as I needed time to heal, but nevertheless we became a couple.

 

About a year ago we broke up.I won't get into why (too long ) and he began to see someone else. I started to miss him, realized that I couldnt live with-out him. He waffled a bit, as he was seeing this new woman, he said that they had yet to be intimate, they did get sexual though...he said he did not love her, still loved me , but he felt bad hurting her. She loved him.

 

He went back and forth for a while, it became ugly, he was almost pitting her and I against each other....but he had choosen to come back to me, bought me an engagement ring ....but was still in contact with her, she was not supportive of his decision to come back to me and made it difficult for him, he would tell me awful things that she said about me, then when I would say something back, he would defend her.

 

Finnally I said that I could not play this game anymore, He needed to choose between the two of us. I did not want to control him, but this threeway thing was not working for me. I said if you want to continue the talking with her, then I am outta here. He agreed to end it with her. He said he called her , told her that I felt uncomforatble , and they need to part ways.

 

 

A little later, a few months, call it womans intuition, I had the feeling he was talking with her again, he just wasnt with me 100% in the heart, so I did the ultimate, I looked at his cell phone bills, and her # was all over the place, coming and going.

I kinda freked at him. Told him it is either over for them for good this time or I am gone. He said that they are just friends, I said then if she is your friend, she should be my friend too, but this is not the case. I agreed to give him one finale chance to cut it out with her for good.

 

 

So a few months goes by , she is out of the picture, we are doing well.

 

Last week we had an argument over something, actually he got mad at me over something my daughter did !!!

He ignored me a couple of days, then called. Again the Womans intuition thing, I had a feeling that they talked. So in fear that he would lie to me , I said " So, I hear youve been talking with (insert name here) again...

He said ya,

apparently he had lent his friend his compresor and hoses to do some work at her house, he called her to see if he could get the hose back, said he needed it. I was calm , I said oh ya, did you get the hose, he said no, because I just went to buy some new ones ?????

Does this make any sense.

I lost my cool, I kind of lost it with him, I was so hurt......

I said she shouldnt have even had your tools...inthe first place.

And I feel that because we were having a fight , he had to call her , make sure that she is still available , just in case.

 

Know what do I do, I basically broke up with him. How can I keep giving him ultimatums , then when he breaks them, keep taking him back. I Love him and am so hurt over this.

 

I am sorry if this is long, I hope someone actually even had the patience to read this post all the way through, lol. I would so like any feed back.

 

 

ZZZ

[Daddy Bear]

welcome to ENA. i'm sorry to read about your uncomfortable situation.

 

it may be that he wants to continue seeing both of you, in one capacity or another, no matter what he tells you. if this is so, then you will need to decide whether or not it's in your own best interest to remain in this relationship. whichever way you go, i wish you the best.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think part of your problem here is that you actually started your relationship with him while you were married to someone else. he is obviously very comfortable with interfering with and not respecting other people's relationships, which could mean he doesn't really respect any bonds or promises if he doesn't feel like it. most people who respect marriage would not have been eager to tell a married woman he loved her, regardless of the circumstances, and would wait until she had made the decision to leave on her own.

 

he may also be the type who wants what he doesn't have, and as soon as he has it, wants something else. he seems to be ping ponging back and forth quite happily between you and this other woman, and it is obviously suiting him quite well, but causing you a lot of pain.... i think it is likely he would continue this becuase it is his pattern, whether you married him or not. if it isn't with this woman, then someone else...

 

most relationships that start as an affair (even an emotional though not physical one) do not go the distance. how can you ever really trust someone when your relationship started by deceiving someone else? both partners always wonder if their partner is now cheating with someone else, they the two of them cheated when they met each other.

 

he has proven himself quite untrustworthy with this other woman, and many times, so i suggest you break it off with him and find someone else. this may just be his pattern, chasing unattainable or aloof women, and as soon as he gets them, he doesn't want them until they don't want him anymore.

 

he also may be someone who avoids true intimacy, and keeps forming triangles to give himself the distance he needs... first it was you, he, and your husband, now it is you, he, and another woman... same dance, different partners...

[ZZZ]

Thank-you both for your replys.

 

He may well need to keep us both in his life, he swears the other girl is just a friend, maybe to him, but I know she wants him , and she doesn't care for me at all. Am I wrong to say he cannott not see her.Is it unrealistic.

[ZZZ]

BSBH

 

You have brought up somethings that I have never thought of...maybe you have something here.

 

When he told me he loved me, it was at the very tail end of my marriage, I cried on his shoulder often. See my husband started to see prostitutes about 4 years earlier. It was a rough ride for me. It was at the end that I found that the problem was much bigger that I ever thought, and that I was living in a complete lie .

 

In respect to boyfriend...he wasn't coming onto someone that had a salvagable marriage, it was doomed from the get go.

 

but still you have a point, and maybe youre right, and then this relationship has no where to go.

Wish I didnt still Love him so much.

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

Hey aaa

 

Im with BeStrongBeHappy all the way.He cant keep going back in between you two all the time.I know you love him and will miss him heaps and heasp but i really think that you two need to break it off

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

Ohh and BTW

 

Welcome to the forums as well

[caro33]

Know what do I do, I basically broke up with him. How can I keep giving him ultimatums , then when he breaks them, keep taking him back. I Love him and am so hurt over this.

 

My situation was different, but I can relate. The lesson I learned is that unless you really change your approach this won't go away. You are training this guy to ignore your needs because you are also ignoring them. You are perhaps saying 'hey! this is a massive big deal to me, fix it or you're gone'. So he semi-fixes it, or does something that, in theory, should have made you walk. But you don't. So, to him, those original concerns of yours are just 'oh that's that aaa overreacting, what she doesn't see won't bug her'. And the cycle begins again.

 

I was driven mad by my situation because I kept getting upset but not following through with a genuine statement of 'not good enough, fix it or I walk'. If that's how you feel you need to be clear. And I'm not saying all out leave him now, but if you are serious that you can't take this, then act serious. Pick yourself up and be unambiguous.

 

The thing is, really, what if he knows the stakes and calls her anyway? I assume you would probably be afraid of this, and of losing him, which is why you aren't following through. I'm gonna get preachy here - from an objective viewpoint, why do you think you are worth this? I say, let him understand the consequences of his actions, and if he breaks the rule here, walk. You will not be happy for a period of time, but hey girl, at least you'll know where you stand, and you'll be closer to the day you find a guy who will be better aligned with your needs.

 

So I don't have the answer, sorry. But I do ask you to try and value yourself from the outside. Be true to your own needs, because if you aren't, why should anyone else be?

[blindfold]

if you're not comfortable with love triangles (who is?!), do not subject yourself to them.

 

you did the right thing, don't worry, he is being selfish and untrusworthy - imagine you two are together, and everytime you have a fight he calls her to check if he can stay at her house or to see if she has a bf? don't put up w/ it, i'm sure you'll find someone who suits you and respects you better than that.