Strange Little Details Surrounding Friend's Marriage?

[MissDashwood]

Okay, I have a friend who got married the very end of June of 2006. I have noticed small little details lately that make me wonder about the situation.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Firstly, my friend's wife has a Facebook and Myspace profile and she has yet to change her last name.

 

So? I don't believe in changing your name when you get married. Some people do, some people don't, doesn't mean much at all.

 

He and I had an emotional connection/relationship sort of thing before and during the time he was dating his current wife and everyone said he'd back off and probably wouldn't talk to me much anymore. However, he stays in contact with me and insists on it. Yet he does distance himself from me. A lot. It was apparent to a lot of people who knew he and I in the way we interacted that he has to control himself around me. He can't act natural, he's not very laidback around me and seems incredibly nervous and fidgety. Everyone noticed that he acted funny last time he saw me even though he'd be getting married three weeks later.

 

Don't want to be harsh here, Miss Dashwood, but it sounds like he knew that you (a student of his, right?) had a massive crush on him, hence the distance and the nervousness. I think he likes you, but not in a romantic way. At all. There isn't any signs of him fancying you, I'm sorry.

 

She made him less like he once was; more of a jerk at times to people and less friendly. It's not like him and she was the only change to his life. It's just strange.

 

People have to take responsibility for themselves - you can't extrapolate from one situation, and make up a whole scenario, when you don't know either party particularly well. I know nothing about this guy, and I could come up with a hundred different scenarios, which would be equally valid to yours. You just DON'T know, and he hasn't let you into his life, so it's all supposition. I know it's interesting to speculate, but really, that's all it is, speculation.

 

I'm sorry you have such strong feelings for this guy - but he IS completely unattainable, you know, for you. Have fun with the men around you, date, go out, analyse how they treat you and what they wear, not someone you saw months ago.

 

Forget about this guy - he's not for you, he's married, he's shown no sign of interest. My experience is that if a man fancies you and wants to do something about it, you'll usually get an idea, and won't have to fantasise.

 

Good luck.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yes I pretty much agree with HP's take on your situation.

 

When people get married their spouse is supposed to be their first concern and their social life may change a bit, that's life. Keep in mind they are married and people gossiping about their every move aren't helping.

 

Please wish them well and move on. She doesn't need you to be emotionally involved with her husband, she's taken up that role now.

[Shadows Light]

If his current wife changes her name or not..... it doesn't mean "boo", had I had more balls when I got married I would've kept my maiden name.

 

Your friends wife continued use of "MY SPACE" is also her business. Your friends relationships on-line or otherwise are his business also. People carve up and create their own rules as they so choose. There are NO HARD and fast rules on how/what something has to be.

 

Bad influence??? LOL. Sounds like he may be "into" his wife very much. I know if I missed work or was late in the morning it would be because I was pre-occupied with some great.. "bed room olympics!!". THIS Is not a surprise for someone who is moon eyed and in-love.

 

If your friend is distant with his friends... also, it could be because he's.. ummmm otherwise pre-occupied. The best friends who have been left behind for a LOVER are legion. Not a NEW or Unusual Discovery.

 

The changes in your friends demeaner.... well you can speculate till the cows come home. But he just might be his "true self" now that he's got a Lover at home.

 

Keep your CSI..speculations to yourself. He's made his bed.. let him lie in it. If you truly care about him and you truly are his friend you will allow him to LIVE his own life, make his own choices, live with his own consequences and be there IF and when he needs a friend.

 

Wish your friend well on his journey and move on with your life.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Not tryin to be harsh but in all reality you need to get over yourself and move on. He's obviously happily married now and if I was his wife i'd want you nowhere near him. Seems you have alot more then you're saying for him and you are jealous of what he has now. Otherwise you wouldnt give two squats about what his wife is doing or how he is doing this or that.

As for the name change, ITA with the other posters, I planned on when I got married to keep my maiden name as well, to me I dont have to change my name to prove that im in love with someone or married to them.

[shes2smart]

Is this the same guy you were posting about a few months back...in the summer? I looked at your posting history, and it seems you have deleted those posts, but I remember reading them before you went back to edit.

 

Anything past "he's married" is immaterial because he IS married. It's really none of your business if he's happily married, unhappily married, married to the wrong person or anything else.

 

Put yourself in his wife's position for a moment...what would you think if an acquaintence of your husband's was spending this much time/energy speculating on how crappy your relationship must be? You'd probably think, at best, that person had a little too much free time on their hands or, at worst, that person had a screw or two loose upstairs.

 

There is nothing to be gained by you putting anymore of your time, effort or attention on him, his wife or their relationship. It's really none of your business. You'd be much better served to end whatever remaining contact there is with him so you don't continually spin your wheels in speculation, gossip, and wishing ill for their relationship.

 

Life's funny in that what comes around goes around, and all you are setting yourself up for with these actions is a lot of drama and unhappiness in your own life.

[RayKay]

It is not "just some girl" - it is his wife.

 

No, it is not unusual to not change your last name. Many women do not change it as they may have careers where they are known by that name for example, or it may be important to them to keep the family name.

 

When you get married, you may not give up your friends entirely, but often time, your marriage is priority.

 

Look, ultimately these are HIS choices he is making. It seems you are almost putting the blame on her for "making him late", but he still CHOSE to be with her, CHOSE to marry her (so if she was that awful in dating....why would he?), and his actions are under his own control.

 

You can't determine his behaviours based on what YOU think you would do, because he is not you and that is not how he bases HIS decisions.

 

Them doing it different than you would is not an indication of their level of happiness together.

[Batya33]

Just keep repeating to yourself that it is none of your business, that people are individuals and have myriad ways of approaching marriage, commitment, and ex-love interests, that you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and that if you are searching facebook, myspace and photo sites that is a clear signal to you that you have too much time on your hands and you energies are better spent elsewhere.

 

As you experience more of your peers marrying you will see how diverse people are and that those diversities have no impact on whether the couple is happily married.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

When I get married I am open to either changing my last name, not changing it or hyphenating. Haven't decided yet. There could be a lot of factors. My name as it is is a big part of my identity, and I also think it's a good name, yes, a 'cool' sounding name. Hmmm...maybe that's just my opinion, but it is my name afterall, so I guess that's the one that counts.

 

Now if I fall in love with a Mr. Dinkelmeyer, then I'd be more inclined to keep my name than than if I fall in love with a Mr. Barrrington.

[shes2smart]

I suppose it could be interesting if you like to gossip. Personally, I find my own life challenging/interesting enough that I don't have time to speculate on other people's lives very often. Never really understood people who did, and tend to avoid them in my work life and personal life as much as possible.

 

I second RayKay...she's not just "some girl," she's his wife. And if you want to have a shot at a lasting marriage (inspite of what anyone outside the relationship thinks), you make your spouse your first priority.

 

I got married a little over 4 years ago and I chose to change my last name...but lemme tell ya, it was a pain in the butt to do so. I had to cart around a certified copy of my marriage license with me for a good 6 months after we got hitched to prove to the BMV, Social Security and various other companies/organizations that I was the same person. Plus there was updating my information with financial institutions, doctor's offices, and other companies I did business with. It's not a legal requirement to change one's name after marriage, and after the various hoops I had to jump through, I could see where someone would choose not to just from a simplicity standpoint.

[MissDashwood]

I was using "some girl" in reference to the first month or two of his dating her. He changed immediately. Point being, not for the good. And that's on him. HE changed, HE acted different, HE has changed priorities. But will it turn out for the good in the future? That's what I'm asking. I'm not looking for people on here who are going to sit around telling me what to do. I was simply explaining that someone I care about seems different and I suppose I was looking for more males who would answer whether it is common for a man to WANT to change and to FEEL THE NEED to, and also WHY - not females who are going to nag.

 

"Personally, I find my own life challenging/interesting enough that I don't have time to speculate on other people's lives very often. Never really understood people who did, and tend to avoid them in my work life and personal life as much as possible."

 

Keep in mind you have 2,815 posts on eNotAlone.com, dipping into other people's lives! Should I avoid you?

 

I was just curious about whether what has been happening was normal. Fine, thanks, you all said it most likely is on her part! But don't think it's necessary to give me personality advice about myself. You don't know me and so I don't think any of you should pretend to know me or know who I'm speaking of. I'm asking for advice on a situation, I did not ask for advice on persons involved. So keep the objectivity in line or don't post!!!!

[Batya33]

I think if you are going to post about your reactions to a friend's wedding, the responses inevitably - and reasonably - will include viewpoints on why you care so much. If you find a response to be non-"objective" you have the ability to ignore those posts.

[Shadows Light]

The answer to your question OP... is that YES, people do appear to change. Those on around them notice the changes.... they will suddenly do things they've never done before, they will walk with a zip in their step and humming a tune They may get a new hair cut. Go out and buy a new style of clothing that is NOT a style you are used to seeing them in. They will possibly wear brighter colors, and have a sparkle in thier eye. To outsiders.. they may appear to have flipped their lids and lost their ever living minds...

 

Grin...

 

and possibly.. they have. Why??? LOVE. He's in LOVE. He's happy. He's connected. He's one with the world and ONE with the woman he's in love with.

 

Whether it lasts or not in todays society is a crap-shoot. He's got a 50/50 chances of making it according to stats. He's played the odds.... and is enjoying himself. He's IN LOVE.

 

So the answer to your question. YES. It is normal. The phenomenon can be seen in both male and female species. We do the strangest things for LOVE.

 

Isn't it a wonderful beautiful thing. LOVE.

 

Be his friend. And be happy for him.. and that he's found love in his life. Some search a life time to find it but once... even but for a moment in time.

[shes2smart]

Keep in mind you have 2,815 posts on eNotAlone.com, dipping into other people's lives! Should I avoid you?

 

I guess if my observations irritate or annoy you that much, perhaps you should.

 

Fortunately, there's an easy-to-use "ignore" function on the board. Won't bother me a bit if you put me on your ignore list. Just click on the user control panel link to access it.

[caro33]

Hi Miss Dashwood, for what it's worth, here is my take on things:

 

(1.) It is completely normal to keep one's maiden name.

 

(2.) His behaviour toward you needs to be kept in the context also of your behaviour toward him. Is it at all possible you have given off vibes at one point that may have made him uncomfortable? Maybe that's why he's different, not because of her. Possibly he is even less comfortable now he's married and he wants to keep his relationship with you (in whatever form it was) separate from his 'new life'.

 

(3.) I know you are frustrated with the fact that you aren't getting the views you wanted, on this and on the other thread. I'm sorry, I am also a thirty-something woman, and as can perhaps be expected, given my membership of this group, I agree with everything that has been said above .

 

Sweetheart you may not like it, but the points made here are valid. The fact is that the message that comes screaming out to all of us from your posts are that YOU are the one with a serious problem. In 'normal' friendships, which is what you purport to have here, this stuff does not happen. It just doesn't. Wondering about other people's lives is one thing, but coming here to post detailed queries about what it might mean about someone else's marriage indicates a whole new level of obsession. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it would behoove you to think about what people have been saying on your threads.