Cold feet because of his family

[skyjuice]

Good luck Kim.

I really wish you the best.

 

Yes, I don't think you should do anything drastic right now: like breaking up w/ your fiance.

Maybe this is something you need more time to resolve *together* ...

(I forget if you mention this in your OP but) have you considered couple's counseling? Maybe that would be helpful?

 

Take care~

 

Hi

 

May be take his parents to counselling also.

[RockChickKim]

You're right about the financial commitments.

 

I guess I just can't figure out whether I feel really stressed out solely because of the situation we're in, or because of other pressures going on in my life right now too. A voice inside me tells me to cut my losses but another voice says wait a while to see how things go.

 

But when his folks finally agreed, after much begging, to meet mine, his folks never once asked my folks what would please them and so on - they just talked about themselves. So me and my folks feel there are still lots of things that need to be said. But my guy just says that things are cool with his folks now, so don't say anything.

 

All the awful things his mon has said about me and my family have really hurt me but she refuses to apologise and twists it to try and justify what she has said; and my confidence is seriously low right now, as I keep thinking about what she has said.

 

I just with my guy would realise what his folks have done, but he seems to think that just 'cos they're cool now because we're postponed our wedding, everything's great.

 

Kim

[RockChickKim]

Oh, I've suggested counselling and he would be agreeable to that, but he is sceptical about it and say's there's nothing to talk about as everything's cool, and when I try to talk to him he doesn'treally say much.

 

His folks have now started to talk to him about where we're going to get married, how many of their relatives are going to attend and stuff like that. But because his folks want to invite their friends and other people we don't know, the number of people is increasing all the time and so is the cost.

 

Kim

[RockChickKim]

And in reply to someone's question, I was the one who suggested we move in together. I don't think he would have had the will to do it, if I hadn't suggested it. It's kinda weird, as he lived overseas for 3 years. He and his folks weren't even close and he's always been scared of them. When he moved back home from living overseas, he hated living with his folks. But he always seemed weak to do anything about it.

 

Kim

[Ellie2006]

Hey Kim,

 

IMO, the husband/wife has to be a good mediator b/t his/her family and the spouse ...

 

I do see that your fiance is making the effort to smooth things over w/ his parents ... but I don't think he's necessarily doing anything (from my limited perspective) to address your concerns ... and quite frankly, I do find this a bit disconcerting. Yes, maybe he CANNOT control his parents and what they do and what they say, but has HE himself apologized to you and your parents for how his parents hurt your family? What has he done to prove to you and your parents that his parents' opinions are theirs alone and he does NOT condone or want to make excuses for their atrocious behavior?

 

And one more thing: re: couples counseling: I am not quite sure why he is kinda against it? I've seen a lot of couples go to couples counseling before they get married, whether it is through their church or just a regular counselor ... Just bc you go to a counselor, it does not necessarily mean you have a problem, per se. In most cases, IMO, couples go to address obvious or latent issues prior to getting married: in your situation, I may be off base here, but I feel as though you may be kinda resentful of the way he's handling the situation w/ his parents ... doesn't this merit the help of a counselor??

[honeybee]

This is sounding a lot like my situation. My bf's mum is a control freak who dictates everything their family does. His mum has been sooo horrible to me because im not the sort of person she wants her son to be with. He is terrified to stand up to his mum so everything she says basically goes. For the past 12 months we have been 'broken up' for the second time, at least thats what she thinks. She manipulates my bf and depresses and is down right horrible to him but because she is his mother he feels a need to trust her. I only see him once a week when he can think of a lie to tell his parents. Im not sure how old you are or if you live together but my bf and I are 21, we've been together for 5 years and we both still live at home. I'm hoping moving out next year might help! I also am near the end of my teather with the situation and will leave him if he cant stand up to her by march. At the moment he's totally shut down about it, wont discuss his family and bringing it up only pushes him away. I feel like i'm at a total dead end.

This was my post:

 

[RockChickKim]

Hi,

 

I'm glad you sent me a link to your situation, as they are very similar. How do you feel about your boyfriend being shut down and not wanting to talk about how his family treat you? My fiance is the same. Now that we have agreed to postpone our wedding under pressure from his folks, his folks are acting really happy and friendly, which freaks me out as they have always been so horrible (are they just being nice because they've gotten when they wanted?). The problem for me is, now that his folks are acting weirdly nice, he refuses to talk about things, even when I tell him that I'm still upset by the situation and would really like us to talk about it. He seems to have "stuck his head in the sand" since he agreed to postpone the wedding for his folks' sake, thinking that everything is suddenly great now. But in reality he has lost some of my confidence, trust, love and respect in himand he has also lost some of his friends.

 

I've read your posts and am so sorry to hear about your situation. It's so not right that your boyfriend's folks don't like you and your family because you're not as rich as them. Money shouldn't be a factor in not liking someone. As long as you're a nice, decent person, which I'm sure you are, then there's no reason they shouldn't like you. His folks seem similar to my fiance's folks. They are very pretentious and think that education, money and tradition mean everything. They want a grand wedding for us, as a social statement, when my fiance and I want a simple, cheap wedding so that we can do other things with our money.

 

Have you talked about your future with him and what kind of future do you see with him? Right now I see a future full of problems, with my fiance's parents interfering and dictating again more and more times, not just now. Do you see things getting any better with your boyfriend's folks any time soon and do you think he would risk damaging some of his relationship with them in order to be with you?

 

Kim

[annie24]

Hi - I just read your post. To be honest... things don't sound good at all. When he first said no to your proposal, that should have been it. And if he said yes the second time not to lose you, that decision was motivated out of fear, and that is never a reason to get married.

 

Honestly.... he doesn't sound like the right man. How old are you guys? assuming you are adults, it doesn't sound like he is man enough to stand up to his parents about what he wants. Maybe he really doesn't want you after all? I mean, if he didn't ask you to marry him, and you had to ask him twice....

 

Maybe he is also part of this stalling tactic. Given his behavior about "not being excited" about the wedding in front of his parents....

 

you know, I would just break it off and call it a day. love shouldn't be so hard. It seems like this is an uphill battle you are fighting, trying to drag him to the altar. Maybe he really doesn't want to marry you?

[RockChickKim]

Annie - thanks for your message. He's 27 and I'm 25. He says that he does really want to get married now and he's glad he postponed at the request of his folks, because now everyone's happy. He's failed to notice I'm not, though. Maybe I should just forget how horrible his folks have been and be pleased that they're finally being nice? But they suddenly went from horrible to nice very quickly, at exactly the same time we postponed, so it kinda makes me wary. Also whenever they talk to him these days, they say stuff like "It must have been a real hard time for you", like it was a difficult time because of me and my folks, whereas it was a hard time solely because of them and their actions.

 

I agree with what you're saying about maybe he's part of the stalling. But he does seem happy about getting married now, because his folks also seem happier about it and they're actually taking an interest in discussing our wedding now.

 

But I wish all this had happened sooner as I've been left feeling really bad about the whole situation. Maybe I shouldn't feel unhappy and let down and I should feel glad his folks want us at their house for Christmas. But last Christmas was one of the most miserable days of my life. His folks hardly said anything and ate their food in silence. It wasn't a happy occasion at all.

 

Kim

[annie24]

why do you think his parents don't like you?

 

and yes, I think you are right, uggg.... "everyone is happy... except for you!" that sucks. you are *kind of* part of the impending marriage here.

 

I wonder if they are just happy now, that they think they have bought more time to talk him out of the wedding.

[caro33]

Yes, the way you have described it it sounds exactly as though they think they have bought some time, for whatever purpose, but probably so they don't have to deal with him marrying you just yet.

 

Anyway, you guys are old enough to do your own thing, I'm not sure why the parents' need to have some gap time between weddings should even factor in - are they committing lots of time/money?

 

I had a similar experience, and have shared my story on your other thread. I went overboard and probably killed it with excess wordage, sorry!

[RockChickKim]

Thanx Annie + Caro.

 

Annie - they don't like me because I'm not good enough in their opinion, they think I'm ungrateful and awkward (umm, this is because I'm shy around difficult people like them) and they don't like me because I don't follow certain traditions their family has, they don't like my job, they say I'm ugly and I'm really lucky to have their son in my life... all kindsa crazy stuff.

 

Caro - I'm glad you agree that their other son getting married earlier this year is not a very good reason for trying to stall our own wedding. They won't be spending much money on our wedding relatively (they've offered to give us 20 per cent towards it) and both his mom and dad only work 2 days each week. My folks have way more responsibility but they can still cope. My folks were willing to go speak to his folks any weekend for the last year, but his folks always said they are too busy.

 

Both - I'm not 100% sure if they're just happy 'cos they've stalled our wedding, as they are taking an active interest in it now. But maybe they know that we're divided as a couple, so even if they act all nice about it, we might still split up. A kind of ironic action on their part, get what I mean?

 

But if they are being ginuine now, what would you suggest are good ways for me to fall back in love with him and also feel better about his folks? You can sense I'm the kinda person who gives people 2nd chances. It's just difficult 'cos he refuses to talk about it with me any more.

 

On the other hand, am I right to feel like this currently?

 

1) Like he's kinda cheated on me, by choosing to please his folks first

2) Kinda disgusted with him in some ways, but still love him

3) Less attracted to him in all kindsa ways, but more out of stubbornness

4) Feeling let down and worried about trusting his actions in the future

 

Caro - I'll go read your post now, thanx.

 

Kim

[cypress]

So, you asked him to move in and to marry you. Hmmm. I don't think this sounds very attractive at all and can see why you are not feeling so hot for him. He sounds wishy washy and anything but ready to commit as an adult. I'm beginning to think it really isn't his parents at all, or maybe they see that he isn't ready because he can't make his own decisions.

 

If anyone needs counseling it is the two of you. If you are considering married I highly recommend marrage counseling prior to setting the date. You may find that his lack of commitment at this phase is just a sign that you are going to be running the show. Are you going to decide to have kids? Are you going to make all the decisions about buying a house, where to send the kids, whether to fix the roof? I may be wrong but he just seems like he is lost and looking for direction.

 

I bet you could convince him to do the marriage counseling. Find a counselor and make an appointment.

 

Good luck.

[honeybee]

When I read that they think you are akward because you are shy around them I have to say that this is exactly me too. The parents are just soooo intimidating that I just dont say anything cause anything i do say they twist around so that i look bad to my bf. I actually think, in my situation, that my bf will end up having a shocking relationship with his parents. He is already secretive around them and I know they upset him very deeply when they say horrible things about me. We talk all the time about our future and as his parents continue their manipulation they actually seem to be pushing him closer to me. We both know that they will end up losing their son with their actions. It such a nasty situation that our partners parents have created. What's worse is the embarrasment and the lack of trust which is created by our partners when they continue to make their parents happy. It makes us feel cheated. And no one else understands. They think that he is just a coward, but they don't see what we see. I know how hard it is for my bf because I have been yelled at by them once and I'm too scared to see them again. My bf lives with them and he has to deal with it every day. So I can understand why he just gives in to them. It's easier than having the fight which would blow totally out of proportion and leave him sleeping in a park. Until we can afford to move in together he will continue to give into them. I want to get my bf into counselling too but he thinks its a load of c**p and wont help. I actually think he's just too ashamed of whats going on. I guess my advise is, If you love him like i think you do, just wait it out. They will always be in your life and probably tell you that you are a bad mother and you spend too much of their sons money. You will just need to learn to stand up to them instead (as do I) and unfortuantely we both need to earn our own respect from these parents as even if our partners stood up to the folks they would still resent us for taking their little boys. O and I find supporting my bf and being there 100% seems to bring him closer to me. I shower him with praise and always make him laugh. That way I am the one doing what his mother should and making him feel confident and happy within himself. I hope this helps.

[blindfold]

you must remind your bf who is going to be his family for (hopefully) the rest of his life - YOU! and it's you he has to please, not his parents (i know it's easy to talk, but trust me it's the right thing.)

they'll get used to it, and trust me - whatever reasons they have not to like you now (however ridiculous they might be) will only get worse over the years.

so think about your happiness together, and as your wedding as a celebration of your love and not a signing of some paperwork.

cheers

[caro33]

On the other hand, am I right to feel like this currently?

 

1) Like he's kinda cheated on me, by choosing to please his folks first

2) Kinda disgusted with him in some ways, but still love him

3) Less attracted to him in all kindsa ways, but more out of stubbornness

4) Feeling let down and worried about trusting his actions in the future

 

 

I don't know about 'right' but I do think it's completely understandable and I would feel much the same way.

 

I read here that you said you can't talk to him about this anymore, but I stand by my words in your other thread (yes I'm bouncing back and forth, sorry) - this needs to get sorted out.

 

Don't kid yourself that you are being unreasonable, that the problem is something you can 'get over'. This is far more fundamental and deep-seated than that. The family you are marrying into says you're ugly? And that gets back to you? Now THAT is ugly. There is no excuse for this BS, none at all. You have every right, and I believe you have an obligation to yourself, to tell it like it is to him, and be prepared to walk away so he sees the size of this issue. I am not saying dump him but I am saying take some space if this can't get sorted - if it continues don't be afraid to say to him 'no, not good enough. MY future husband would not allow this to happen'. Let him work out the implications of that.

[Tech Girl]

I haven't read all the responses yet...but I've had something very similar happen to me and my marriage.

 

GET OUT NOW. Do not enter into a marriage like this. You will ALWAYS have in-law problems. The IL's may "allow" the marriage...but they are still on their best behaviors right now...even if it doesn't seem that way to you. IL's will get worse after the marriage has happenned. You will be the scapegoat for everything they want and expect with their son.

 

You think it's bad now...wait until you get married. It gets worse because you're the reason the IL's aren't getting what they want from their son.

 

You think marriage is rocky with the IL's, wait until you have kids. It gets worse.

 

Most importantly...YOU HAVE A FIANCE PROBLEM. Sounds like he needs to grow a set and stand up to his family. If he cannot do that now...he never will. How do you expect him to stand up for you when he cannot even stand up for himself. Wait until the accusations against you get worse. They will. Trust me. If your fiance cannot stand up for himself now...he never will.

 

I have lived this. I am in the process of getting a divorce. We went to marriage counselling over this. The counsellor told my H that he DOES have to choose between his P's and his wife...and his priorities do have to be with his wife. My H has chosen to keep the peace with his Mommy first (because she emotionally punishes him harsher than I ever could) and deal with me second.

 

I know where I stand. My daughter and I will always be second to H's family of origin. I knew things were getting beyond repair with the IL's on our 2nd anniversary and I realized I made a mistake in marrying into this. I thought our love would conquer all. On our 3rd anniversary, we were getting ready to start marriage counselling. We will be divorced before the 4th anniversary is here.

[RockChickKim]

I agree, my fiancee needs to grow up and realize he can't always be the diplomat especially if his folks are crazy.

 

But isn't it fair to say that many couples have in-law problems too, before they get married and after?

 

Kim

[caro33]

I agree, my fiancee needs to grow up and realize he can't always be the diplomat especially if his folks are crazy.

 

But isn't it fair to say that many couples have in-law problems too, before they get married and after?

 

Kim

 

 

Sure, weddings in particular bring out the worst in people sometimes, I reckon it taps into fears of all sorts for many people. On top of the stress for those getting married, possibly the parents can get freaked out about what it means for them ageing, for them 'losing' their child. There can be money problems no one wants to talk about, and value clashes that come up about the difference between a 'small wedding we can afford' and a huge sheh-bang that costs more money than anyone has imagined 'but hey, they'll remember it won't they'.

 

Dislike or discomfort about who the person is going to marry comes on top of all that, and no doubt amplifies all the issues already there.

 

And maybe there's a spectrum of 'usual' conflict through to wacky, ridiculous conflict. But your issue is a big deal to you. You have been told things you should not have been told, and you have come here. From what you have said, your conflict on this stuff seems deep seated and brings up issues of respect and priorities that need to be addressed.

 

In an adult world you and your fiance might have niggled each other over whether you are REALLY close enough to Auntie Maureen to justify her coming to the wedding from interstate, or whether the calamari on a stick is better than the fish balls for serving at the reception. Maybe there would have been slight and brief tension over whether to get married in a garden or a church, spring or autumn.

 

It should not have been your fiance and his parents rolling you completely on when to have the wedding, & delaying for a year based on what sounds to be spurious and selfish reasoning. The ONLY excuse I can come up with is maybe they have financial issues but are too proud to say so. Don't know how that explains your guy's wishy-washiness though.

[skyjuice]

Hi Kim,

 

I hope you could solve your problem.

 

I wishes you good luck in dealing with your soon to be in law.

 

May be you could read regarding how to deal with difficult people.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

my Brief Contribution: (Have not read all replies)

 

""In the spring I proposed to him and he said no, simply because he knew his family would disapprove.""

 

Doesn't that say "Spineless, unassertive human being that you wouldn't want to marry anyway?"

[fnlyfrei]

Wow. I think the word you used earlier "cheated" wasn't right on the money...more like BETRAYAL....big word...and a big thing that you could keep stored in the back of your heart forever if not dealt with. If you do get married...every time you have an argument...the betrayals will come back to haunt you, and they stack up over time if shelved. Do not marry him until everything is dealt with. Yes...when you marry someone...you also become a part of their family..and you do not want to be treated like a red-headed step child for years and years. I speak from experience. You deserve to be accepted and loved...and a part of a family. This needs to be resolved before you just go ahead and marry and have babies....I am sure you wouldn't want your children to have grandparents who treated their mother with open distain....when red flags go up with your fiance'...heed them. I ignored many but thought I was being overly sensitive. They are real. Think of your future happiness..not just how you feel at the moment.

[freedom]

ok.. you haventsaid it yet.. but what you are in i would assume is an interacial relationship and thus you CANNOT measure the relationship as that of a 'normal' western world relationship where both cultures are similar.

I would assume that he is of asian/ jewish/eastern european decent and he has different obligations that most western people here do not see. You obviously do see it but are finding it hard to understand the whole family thing.

If i am correct tell me and i hope to give you more insight.

[RockChickKim]

Actually you are wrong, but thanks so much for your message.

 

His folks are Roman Catholic and my folks are Quaker.

 

Wishing you all a Happy Christmas,

 

Kim

[MissDQ]

I can relate to your boyfriend, I guess, in this case, because my parents pretty much hate my fiance--at least my mom does. And at this point it is ridiculous and they don't have good reason.

Sooo...seems to me like parents can be very manipulative and controlling sometimes. Let me tell you, being manipulated can seriously mess with your head!! I have been blackmailed by my mother, saying it's either him or my family, etc. It's really hard to deal with, because on the one hand I KNOW that I love my fiance and have all the good reasons in the world to marry him, but I sometimes second-guess myself or get paranoid/hypervigilant b/c of how my folks have reacted. I guess I can't understand why they've reacted that way and I try too hard to see their point of view.

 

Anyway, it just takes courage and self-esteem and confidence on my part (and your bf's) to stand up to them and put an end to them ruling my life! It's my life, not theirs, and even though I love them and fear ruining our relationship, it is not my fault and (here's the maint point): I CAN'T CHANGE ANYBODY BUT MYSELF. that goes for everyone.

so, if your bf doesn't have the courage or feel confident enough in his own decisions to marry you, it will present a real hardship and strain on your relationship in the future. I feel for him, for sure, because I have been guilty of similar behaviors, and I feel bad that I behave that way sometimes. but I can see that in this situation, the only way I am going to be fair to my fiance is to COMMIT to HIM and put him first, I can still respect my family and treat them as I would like to be treated but cannot tolerate inappropriate behavior such as what you have described.

You have to let him know that this is how you feel and if he wants you, he has to stand up for you and be willing to risk/sacrifice his parents, because he can't control them...otherwise you have to accept that he's not ready to part from them, and while sad, may be true that he will continue to be controlled by them.