Cold feet because of his family

[RockChickKim]

I found out last fall that my bf's family don't like me at all, for unfounded reasons.

 

In the spring I proposed to him and he said no, simply because he knew his family would disapprove.

 

I waited a while and mentioned the subject again some months later and this time he said yes. He told his folks the news and they made it clear they were not happy and disapproved.

 

Since the announcement lots of angry phone calls and e-Mails have been sent between him and his folks and it has upset me and my family who have been great.

 

Every time someone asks him about our engagement and wedding, he is really quiet about it as he doesn't want his family to know he has talked about it positively.

 

His folks have refused to meet or talk to my folks and they have always been downright rude. Recently the situation got so bad that he begged his folks to meet mine and it went OK but there is still a lot of tension.

 

We had booked and payed for our wedding for the spring 2007 but his parents made us cancel it all, saying they would not attend or speak to him again if he went ahead with it. All my friends and some of my family kept telling me it's wrong his folks make him choose between our relationship and them, but he went ahead and chose to obey his folks. Since then I have kinda been a bit bitter about his decision. I have talked to him about this and our relationship has not really been the same since, to me.

 

He and his folks have agreed a wedding for spring 2008 and it just seems so far away and not what we both wanted and I think I am getting cold feet. Sure, sometimes you've gotta please other people, but what other decisions will his folks dictate and influence in the future? I'm scared that every Thanksgiving, Christmas and other occasion will be miserable as his folks are such strange and negative people. I always saw my future full of love with a warm extended family.

 

Because our wedding has been used as a chess pawn I'm almost disinterested in it now, like it's a formality. I have to constantly remind myself why I'm with him still (we cohabite) but sometimes I just don't know.

 

Any thoughts would be welcome.

 

Thanks y'all.

 

Kimberley

[Siriana]

Wow, you postponed the wedding for a whole year just because his parents wanted that?

It's not like someone is ill, in hospital, someone died or something like that? Zhat are valid reasons for postponing the wedding.

Also his parents said they woan't attend this wedding if it is in spring 2007?

Well how do you know they will attend it in spring 2008 They are just buying more time to persuade their son to change his decision. They know how this will cause resentment and they know that every normal person would give up on marriage completely.

So:

they are rude

you have to beg them to meet your family

they don't want to attend the wedding

they don't want their son to marry you

they managed to delay the wedding (agreed with their son)

and all that humiliation you're going trough is basically thanks to your bf not his parents.

 

So I already wrote this on another similar post:

If his parents wanted him to marry an alien, all green, with flowers growing from your but and salad instead of hair he would do that to make them happy?!

 

I suggest you two solutions:

1. if you really want to marry him no matter the fact how your life after that would look like you need to tell him that wedding is this spring 2007 or that there is not wedding at all and you're braking up with him. (I have this feeling that he will choose a brake up over wedding)

2.Or just brake up with him and say to him that he can marry his mother if he wants to.

 

Don't wait till spring 2008 because you're not getting junger + there is a possiblity that he will postpone the wedding again + there is possiblity he will refuse to get married + in that time you mght find the love of your life who's interested in marrying you and who has normal parents.

Too much risk in waiting.

[RockChickKim]

Thankyou for your thoughts. I agree with what you say. It is as much his fault as his folks. I know of other couples who have been in a similar position but in their situations the couple always chose themselves and their wishes, not the wishes of the bf's or gf's folks! And their folks did turn up at their weddings, even though they threatened not to. I don't know why he didn't stand up to his folks and it makes me wonder if he will stand up to them in the future.

 

I thought about this a lot and have decided to see how things go. We have wasted time, money and lots of emotions on the wedding already and now that we have postponed it, his folks are as nice as pie as if nothing ever happened! So if he sides with his folks again, I think I will have no option but to leave.

 

I'm just real worried about what if I met some one else in the mean time and they had the same dreams and normal folks too. It would basically be my bf's fault for choosing his folks over me/us, but he keeps telling me he did what was best for everyone, by trying to make everyone happy.

 

Kim

[skyjuice]

It would basically be my bf's fault for choosing his folks over me/us, but he keeps telling me he did what was best for everyone, by trying to make everyone happy.

 

Hi

 

It is impossible to make everyone happy. Sometimes we just have to stand up for ourselves and make someone angry.

 

The previous poster is right about his parents postpone the wedding just to buy time. From 2006 to 2008, it might be enough time for them to influence your bf to break up with you.

 

Either wed this spring 2007 or break up. If he couldn't stand up for you now, don't expect him to stand up for you in the future.

 

Don't be a girl that spends years on a bf that wouldn't stand up for himself to fight for the relationship against his family. At the end, you will get no engagement and no wedding when your biological clock is ticking fast. This is because I saw some real life examples.

[Siriana]

Oh,yeah, and his main obligation is to MAKE YOU HAPPY FIRST. Not everyone - you are more improtant than anyone else in this case, and also he is making his folks happy right now, but he is making you miserable.

Sorry for beeing pushy but you really have to defend your interests here.

[RockChickKim]

I agree with what you are all saying. Would your opinions change if I told you that he is so scared of his folks so he told them about our engagement by telephone originally as he was too scared to then go see them face to face(they're emotional and verbal not violent)? They used that as one of their reasons for not wanting to come to the wedding, the fact he didn't go down and see them and "do things properly". His brother got married 6 months ago and they use that as a reason also, saying that they don't want another wedding so soon. Also his dad started a new job recently and says he can't cope with too many new events at once and because of how they feel about me, it will take them time to adjust and like me, before they can commit to our wedding.

 

Whenever I made a stand, he told his parents we were going to get married in spring 2007, but each time they got emotional (blackmail and all that) with him, he gave is and agreed to postpone. Then the same happened again, and again. It felt like I was in a pantomime show.

 

He's 27 but they treat him like he's 16, shouting and preaching at him all the time. They impose loads of strange views on him too. I'm worried they would start preaching their strange views to our kids in the future.

 

I've got some other stuff to deal with at the moment so I can't figure out if I'm always irritable because of all the other stuff I'm dealing with, or simply because I feel so hurt over the postponed wedding.

 

How do other couples deal with getting married when one set of parents is a bit weird or causes trouble? I guess it must happen to a lot of people huh.

 

Kim

[Survictor]

Why don't they like you? Is there any foundation to their dislike?

 

Anyway, imagine being his wife, the mother of his children and always being treated as a second class citizen! Do you want that for yourself? Does your fiance want that. Why does he go along with it all and allow them to put you down? If you are going to be his wife, you should be a strong, loving, united partnership and this doesn't seem to be the case.

 

And you know, I'd be pretty irritable if I felt my b/f wasn't loyal.

 

It doesn't bode too well for the future and so unless you can sort it out and have your wedding when you want it, I think you might want to stop wasting time here and move on.

[itsallgrand]

Kim, if I were you I would think long and hard about this.

 

What concerns me isn't so much his parents - it is the man you are planning on marrying.

 

The truth is, it is he marrying you (his life) not them - and this is between you two. The parents and their dramas have nothing to do with it.

 

Maybe he isn't ready to get married. I'd give that a serious consideration.

 

I also hesitate to give him an ultimatum such as 'marriage now or none at all'.

 

Look at this man. Consider what he is truly is. His character, his ways of dealing with pressure, his priorities, his values. You thinking of marriage - that's lifelong, baby - are you pushing this marriage because you want to marry and be with him truly and have a strong knowing that it can work - or because you know you want to get married and you happen to love this man.

 

Sort out these things now. If you can and it is workable, your marriage will have such a better chance and will be stronger for it. Don't sweep it aside or swallow it, no matter how tempting and even if he does agree to your conditions and what you want....I think this is about your relationship with your man and doubts about his strength/character/values more than anything...so go to the source.

 

Sorry for the long post. It would just be a shame if you and your fiance got married in an atmosphere of pressure and for the wrong reasons...I can't imagine this is much fun for him right now either - he is in a pressure cooker.

 

good luck

[RockChickKim]

To answer SURVICTOR's question, his folks don't like me because I am not the right religion, nationality or profession. They wanted him to marry a woman who fits into their criteria and I just didn't. Throughout my life various parents have commented to my own folks that I would one day make someone a good wife. I think his parents dislike me because of their silly little plan for him and also because they have always had an unhappy relationship themselves and they want to make us unhappy too. His mom said (in e-Mails) some horrible things about me which made my mom cry, but she refused to apologise for what she said. She says people have to accept her direct and blunt views.

 

His mom dominates his dad and a few people I know have commented that his dad thereforeeee takes his frustrations out on his son. I just don't feel comfortable with the prospect of these people as in-laws, especially seeing as he often gives in to what they tell him.

 

When my folks and his folks met, it was very tense but polite (in a false kinda way). His folks didn't seem to want to talk about the wedding but my folks made sure they introduced the subject. There was no real dialogue; his folks just got irate and kept repeating their opinions over and over. My folks were calm but felt cheated after they went home, as his folks didn't ask them anything or seem to care what their feelings are.

 

It's just one great big mess as I'm left not sure how I feel any more, but his folks are suddenly all sweet and nice. For months and months they refused to even admit that I exist, but now whenever they call him they ask him how I am. I don't know if they're ginuine or just being nice because we agreed to postpone.

 

To respond to ITSALLGRAND, I have known him for around 5 years as a friend although he lived overseas in England for some of those years. I never met his folks until 2 years ago. Our relationship was wonderful until last Christmas. Until then, he didn't seem to care what his folks thought about me as he just wanted to be with me and make me happy, but since we moved in together he seems to want to please them more than me. His folks live 3 hours away and they never call him. The only times they call him is when they want to say something bad about me or our wedding. I do love him but I've not been engaged to a guy before and I know deep in my heart I could probably find someone more loyal to me with 'normal folks.' We have had a generally wonderful relationship so far but we have had a few problems, like when his ex gf got in touch and started causing trouble.

 

He thinks his folks are starting to improve, but even if they are, I still feel sick inside. My folks reckon maybe we should put the whole wedding idea on hold. But it has already been hard to rearrange everything as lots of couples nowadays book their weddings a long time in advance.

 

Kim

[Siriana]

Your parents gave you good advice.

[Survictor]

Kim, my dear... I really think you know already, hun.

 

You deserve a man that loves you, stands by you, supports you etc. If I were you, I would feel really let down as I am sure you do.

 

If you really, really love him (be honest with yourself), you have to tell him that if he wants to marry you, he must be your strongest ally, your best friend, your biggest fan and if he can not give you that in the face of his family and tell his family that he loves you because...... and intends to marry you on whatever day, then perhaps you need to rethink your future marriage plans and relationship with him.

 

He should be proud of you and proud to be with you and happy you want to be his wife. You could, you know, just have a private ceremony for you two alone! You don't have to do the big party thing at all.

 

Your future hasn't got off to a great start and the fact that you already feel sick inside, let down no doubt, doesn't bode well for the future.

 

You deserve someone who loves you and isn't afraid to sell your wonderful qualities.

 

xxxx

[Batya33]

If you must postpone the reception, fine - but there is no reason why you can't have a small private ceremony in Spring 2007. Isn't it about the marriage, not the 5 hour party? Have the party and a renewal of the vows in Spring 2008. I agree this is more about him than his parents.

[RockChickKim]

I guess a little part inside of me understands his decision. He thought that if he pleased his parents by postponing our wedding but at the same time making sure they agree to let us have the kind of ceremony and reception WE want, then he would have been a successful peacemaker ambassador, keeping everyone happy. A voice in my head keeps saying that I should be grateful that there is a glimmer of hope of my future in-laws being nice to me/us in the future, because if we just went ahead and married when we wanted to, against their wishes, then I would lose my in-laws completely.

 

But on the other hand I will always look at them and feel bitter. They've said awful things about me and my folks and refused to apologise. I wish I knew whether their new-found friendly attitude is ginuine or they are just happy because they've gotten their way?

 

Whenever I talk to him about how I feel, he gets impatient and says "not this again, I thought we had agreed and you are happy with things!" Maybe once Christmas is over and 2007 is here I will feel better about things.

 

He wanted to get a new car and to go on vacation but I stood my ground and said no, we shouldn't buy a new car together or go on vacation until his folks have shown that they are genuine. Maybe I was being childish saying that, but I didn't want to feel like every person is getting what they want except me.

 

But at the end of the day, would all of you really honestly tell me you would stand by your guy or girl and tell your folks no, we are getting married when WE want, even if you risked losing them?

 

Anyway I have gotten some great advice from you all; thankyou so much!

 

Kim

[Siriana]

Yes, because my folks are not crazy and they would never ask something so selfish. If they were and if they choosed to stop my plans (because of the reasons that are not valid - like his parents) and to stop beeing my family after that - well it is their loss.

I am not suspicious about his family, they are complet i*****, I am suspicious about him beeing a good husband. Looks like he hasn't left his parents nest yet. That would be a major turn off for me. I would be disappointed with him.

First he didn't want to get married, than he agreed, than he postponed, and all this because of his parents...

 

o.k. now I will stop saying my opinion on this because I am frustrated with guys like him. One of my ex'es was like that but we were not engaged. When i saw a suspicious look on his mother face when she saw me for the first time and the way how his parents behaved like they are better than mine... ah, memories, sweet memories....

[Survictor]

I admit it would be difficult if my family didn't like my husband. I would however, weigh up what I felt was right for me and they would not force me to choose. I have had b/f's try to alienate me from my family but in the end, the relationship ended. You aren't asking him to choose you over his family. You do deserve his loyalty though. What does he say to his family when they say nasty things about you? Did he stick up for you? What did he say about the email? If you are to marry him, can you rely on him being supportive etc.

 

I am pretty headstrong. I would hope that my family would come to accept my husband/wife and if they didn't?..... we would be in for a rough ride but they would not deter me if I really thought that this person was the one for me. If I had doubts, then perhaps I would.

 

With regards to your fiance, he is getting it in the neck from his family and from you and feels torn probably so it cannot be easy. It would be a darn sight easier if he stood up for what heeeee wanted.

 

xxxxx

[RockChickKim]

Is one of his folks' reasons about his broter having gotten married 6 months previously valid enough for us to postpone the wedding?

 

Whenever I think about us breaking up, I feel maybe I'm being too stubborn and I should just go easy on him and his folks, accepting that we now have many months before our wedding and we should just get on with life. But then there's Christmas in the middle which will be a tense time.

 

I think I'm gonna give it a little more time and see if his folks start changing, but if they start making demands again, then it's time for me to start considering leaving. I feel it's fair I give him and his folks a 2nd chance, but not a 3rd.

 

Kim

[Ellie2006]

Is one of his folks' reasons about his broter having gotten married 6 months previously valid enough for us to postpone the wedding?

 

Hi Kim,

 

Sorry that you're hurting right now

Now, if that was their *sole* reason, I think I can kinda see where they're coming from: although this may sound far-fetched, they may *feel* like they're imposing too much (monetarily) on friends and other relatives who will have to fly out to the wedding and buy gifts, perhaps. (from what I gather, they're not really contributing monetarily to your wedding, right?)

 

That said, IMO, this is simply a way for them to rationalize their unfair request for you guys to postpone the wedding w/o making themselves look like they're bad or selfish ...

 

 

I really can't add to the wonderful advice that's already been given but please hang in there okay and sorry that you're going through this. Weddings should only bring tears of joy and it's really unfair what they're doing.

Hugs to you 1:

[RockChickKim]

Thanks, Ellie. You've kinda summed the situation up well because I'm torn between different reasonings. Part of me just wants to get out of the whole situation like the other people on here have advised, but part of me is unsure because I don't know his folks' true reasons for getting us to postpone, and I don't trust them at all.

 

He told his folks about our wedding a long time ago and they reacted badly right from the beginning. They refused to even acknowledge or talk about the wedding for months! Then his mom started sending horrible e-Mails about me and my folks. But then suddenly, as soon as he started negotiating with his folks about postponing, his folks changed and told everyone the only reason they want the wedding postponed is so that they can emotionally and financially recoup. But why couldn't they have said this at the start? This is the main concern my folks have with the situation - the fact that his folks keep changing their reasons and it's suddenly now convenient for them that they are now using practical reasons to not look bad. But they looked bad right up until now. I've tried talking to his mom but she just says stuff like "Look, we have agreed to attend your wedding if it is postponed, so don't talk to me about it any more, or I will hate you."

 

I just don't know what to think about the whole situation. Even if his folks are now changing and becoming nicer, it all feels like a conspiracy, which leaves me feeling sick. I think of our future and even if my relationship with his folks improves a little over the years, I will still feel bitter as they've refused to talk to me about it properly and just dictated their feelings and wishes, not listening to ours, and I will worry what they will be like with our kids, trying to be this religion or do this job or do this and do that. Maybe he will give in to his mom in the future on issues like these. But he tells me he won't and that he will be strong for me now.

 

Thanx again for all your thoughts.

 

Kim

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i would be very concerned if a grown man cannot stand up for his future wife... if he is siding with his parents over you, then he is not ready to marry anybody since he still sees himself as a child who should defer to their wishes. you will only get stuck in worse arguments if you do marry him, over how to raise the kids etc.

 

they probably keep wanting to postpone the marriage another year in hopes they can influence him to break up with you before that time. or maybe your fiance is not sure himself if he really wants to get married.

 

then i think you have to think about what it would be like married to someone where every holiday is driven by these folks, etc. do you really want to be a part of this family?

 

if you still do, then you need to sit your boyfriend down and talk with him and say you have waited long enough, set the date for spring, and carry out your plans. if his parents don't come,then they miss the party! and if you boyfriend can't accept that his parents are being rude and manipulate and stand up for you to go thru with the wedding, then you need to break up with him and find someone who will love and accept you and stand up for your rights.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

sounds like the parents are stalling the wedding hoping they can convince your fiance to break up with you...

 

also sounds like your fiance hasn't grown up enough to stand up to his parents. if he's choosing their wishes over yours, then that won't made a good husband, he is not standing up for his own future wife.

 

you also need to think about what he will do in the future, and the other numerous power struggles bound to happen over how to raise children, where you will live, etc. if his parents have too much control over him, you life will constantly be driven by what his parents want, not what you want.

 

so i suggest you hold him firm to a particular (soon) wedding date and get clear that you as his wife take first priority, and if he waffles about this again, time to move on and find someone who is more committed to his wife than being a big baby and letting his parents rule his life.

[rmpavlock]

That's sad because once you DO get married, the wife or husband should come first. Here he is still holding back because of his family. I know it would be hard to go against family, but it's not fair to keep doing that to you. He either needs to stand up to them and be a man or you need to find someone who isn't a wuss.

[Juha]

Kim, I am sorry I know you love him and want to be with him but I can see no good coming out of this situation... He is not a man but boy, a boy who bends to his parents wishes and is afraid of being a man and living his life...

 

If he loved and cared for you as much as he says he would not let his parents run his life...He would not allow them to treat you and your family the way they do...

 

Do you truly think you will be happy 5, 10, 15 years down the line being married to him?

 

Do you think the parents will warm up to you and your parents when they have a plan for their little boy and you don't fit it...

 

I would not be surprised if they did not bad mouth you at every chance they had, trying to undermine you and your relationship...

 

Why do you let his parents treat you and your parents the way they do???

 

This situation needs to be resolved and if he is not man enough to stand up for his future wife why would you want him around anyway...

 

Sorry if I am harsh but this is how I see things and if you are this messed up now how will you be down the line.....

[RockChickKim]

I guess I should have deeply considered our future when he originally turned down the idea of marriage, when he said it wasn't the right time (which I later found out meant it wasn't the right time for his family/folks).

 

He knew from the start that I eventually wanted to get married and he's kinda hinted that he said yes the 2nd time because he didn't want to lose me. I just worry that we're in too deep now as we've got financial commitments and other ties together and it's almost too late to re-think it all.

 

He just doesnt get it and realise what his family have done to us. Every time they call him, it is always tense and it affects us as we are on edge for a couple hours after. His brother ran away from home years ago, to marry the girl he wanted to be with, but now his brother offers no support at all, saying our situation is all our fault! How hypocritical.

 

His mom always speaks her mind so maybe at Christmas I should start speaking my mind a bit more?

 

But I do love him and guess I want to resolve all this peacefully.

 

Thans for all your comments.

 

Kim

[Ellie2006]

Good luck Kim.

I really wish you the best.

 

Yes, I don't think you should do anything drastic right now: like breaking up w/ your fiance.

Maybe this is something you need more time to resolve *together* ...

(I forget if you mention this in your OP but) have you considered couple's counseling? Maybe that would be helpful?

 

Take care~

[cypress]

[He knew from the start that I eventually wanted to get married and he's kinda hinted that he said yes the 2nd time because he didn't want to lose me. I just worry that we're in too deep now as we've got financial commitments and other ties together and it's almost too late to re-think it all.

 

What a horrid situation. I think that you are already rethinking your goal already. First, please do not think it is ever too late to back out, especially because of financial commitments. Do you own a home together? Even if you do there are fairly easy ways to deal with that. What you can't back out of is a kid. Money is just that, paper and stuff..well you can get more of it.

 

This guy sounds like he is waiting for the women in his life to tell him what to do. You asked him to marry you. Did you ask him to move in? He seems to want to be taken care of. I think you will be stuck with his mom for the rest of your life if you stay with this guy.

 

I'm sorry, this is no fun. GL