The question we all want answered?????!!!

[romanticlover]

Ok here is the question I think we all want answered. Well I do at least.....

 

What does it mean when they say that they want some time, don't feel the same like they used to, need space, etc etc?????

 

Does this really mean that you still care for us, yet you really need to work stuff out, but keeping us in your mind with teh same hopes we do?

 

Or does it mean that you just don't like us anymore and it's a lame excuse for not hurting our feelings, want to play games, put us through hell, rip our hearts out and just make us drown in our own sorrow?

 

Tell me plseeeeeee. Thank you, (32 male)

[annie24]

"He/She is just not that into you......"

[krnswte143]

Ok here is the question I think we all want answered. Well I do at least.....

 

What does it mean when they say that they want some time, don't feel the same like they used to, need space, etc etc?????

 

Does this really mean that you still care for us, yet you really need to work stuff out, but keeping us in your mind with teh same hopes we do?

 

Or does it mean that you just don't like us anymore and it's a lame excuse for not hurting our feelings, want to play games, put us through hell, rip our hearts out and just make us drown in our own sorrow?

 

Tell me plseeeeeee. Thank you, (32 male)

 

 

it could mean anything really... i wanna know the answer myself too.... but u could only know the answes because u know them more than us ....

 

we really duno how the other person feels...if we dont ask them right.... we keep assuming stuff like,,,hmm do they feel same way as me? do they stil love/care for me? or they are over me?.....these questions do come in our mind.

 

 

in my case, we broke up 2 weeks ago... we may not never get back but i do have hope we will soon. we both really loved/care for eachother. and maybe if its meant to be we'll get back again

[friscodj]

I don't think is one where a blanket generalization accurately applies. It very much depends on the specific situation I think...

 

If you have a specific situation motivating you to ask such a question, share the details with us and we'll see what we can do.

[Relationship Coach]

So true Annie, you nailed it. Greg B. would be proud of you!

 

Annie's comment is backed by author Greg Behrendt who often makes the point backed by tons of research... If you really loved someone and wanted to be with them, would you ever tell them you want a break or space? This is nothing more than a cowards way of saying it's over.

 

OK, there are exceptions to this but for the majority this is the way it plays out. It just gets harder to deal with things because you are left trying to read good in to bad. If she can't end, do it for her and show her you're a bigger and better person.

 

RC

 

Hey Annie, have you seen Greg's TV show? I think it's great!

[Budman]

it depends on the person, the situation, and the background.

 

You never know.

[annie24]

So true Annie, you nailed it. Greg B. would be proud of you!

 

Annie's comment is backed by author Greg Behrendt who often makes the point backed by tons of research... If you really loved someone and wanted to be with them, would you ever tell them you want a break or space? This is nothing more than a cowards way of saying it's over.

 

OK, there are exceptions to this but for the majority this is the way it plays out. It just gets harder to deal with things because you are left trying to read good in to bad. If she can't end, do it for her and show her you're a bigger and better person.

 

RC

 

Hey Annie, have you seen Greg's TV show? I think it's great!

 

oh! I have heard of the show, but not had the chance to watch it. I don't know where and when it is on.

 

i think 90% of the time, "he or she is just not that into you" is true. then 10% of the time, there are exceptions, valid reasons why they can't be in a relationship with you, but the bottom line is that they are still pushing you away instead of working things out which isn't really a good sign.

 

yes, I am also curious - what is your set of circumstances you are talking about?

[singleagain]

What does it mean when they say that they want some time, don't feel the same like they used to, need space, etc etc?????

 

Does this really mean that you still care for us, yet you really need to work stuff out, but keeping us in your mind with teh same hopes we do?

 

 

I am going through the same thing. She told me that she "wanted to slow down".

 

From my experience it means one of two things:

1. They want to end it but are taking the easy way out.

2. They are not sure about the relationship are seeing or want to see other people, and want to keep you in hanging on in reserve.

 

In my current situation I stopped all communication with her five weeks ago and she has not contacted me. If she "wants space", give it to her!

[romanticlover]

Thank you for all the responses.

 

My ex and I just broke up and I have made otehr posts about her recently. We have slept together a few times, yet she tells me she is not rdy for a relationship. That whole doesn't feel teh same way I do as far as having the same feelings for me like she did. She is attracted to me just not the same and she just wants me to be her friend now cause she said what she really needs is a friend.

 

Hob bout that line? Does that line ever lead to gettong back together? When the I need you as a friend right now thing is said. You have hopes that being a friend and cool will make them change their minds in a day or two. That is what is troubling me now. Wil being her friend get her back with me.

Then again I have never been so down and held back by someone in my life.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think it is a stall tactic... she is buying time for herself for whatever reason... maybe she is not sure, but if she is saying stuff like 'she doesn't feel like she used to,' it usually means a cooling of feelings, or she has spied someone else she is interested in and is not so serious about you til she figures out whether the new guy is more interesting...

 

so you need to to decide whether waiting a while is too torturous for you, and talk to see what her real motivation for the slowdown is... but some people do lie about what they are really up to in order to take an easy out of a relationship, so you need to decide what it is you really want from her, and if she is not giving it (or used to give it but refuses to now), then you should consider moving on...

[baby_yn]

I really thinks it depends on the person, if you know that person is generally a sweet, loving, caring and honest person. then it probably just means they care for you but need time, etc. if he or she is a total jerk than probably its a dumb excuse

[Deserted1]

Baby Y, I gotta disagree with you on the sweet loving person "thing". My ex was that person, loyal to the max. I never thought she would have done the things she did. Lied, deceived and cheated, because she spied someone else. She tried to string me along, till I checked her cell. She lied right to my face with no problem, didn't even flinch. The look on her face when I told her I knew about her doings. A Master Card moment - PRICELESS! That saved me a lot more future pain. Don't ever underestimate anyone!

[romanticlover]

I may have lost hope. I am a hopeless romantic I must say. I keep hearing not now, I'm not ready now. She has a lot of baggage to get over from her recent seperation from her marriage. She tells me she jumped into it cause she fell head over heels for me. Now her x is saying he wants to get counseling, etc. He is a looser and she just says that she loves him as a person but not in love. Chances are she'd get back with him first over me. And I'm holding onto what?

[ImThatGirl]

Romanticlover~ Sorry to hear you are going through this. Now what you need to help with is much more clear.

 

If she's married, she probably does need time. Time to figure out what she needs or wants and time to work through the emotions of divorce. She may be emotionally unavailable to you right now. Maybe she loves you; maybe she wants to be with you. But she needs to take a step back and determine what she wants rather than having her mind clouded.

 

As far as the "I need time" discussion:

I used to think that two people that love each other would never "need time." Rather, they'd work through their problems together. However, I now believe that we all need time, sometimes. Time apart gives each of us a chance to reflect on our own needs and wants. It gives us a cloudless opportunity to determine if the other person fits into our needs and wants. It may be true that it might mean the beginning of the end but that just depends on the relationship, the circumstances, whether working through is a mutual goal where both people make effort. It doesn't mean that someone automatically has a wondering eye.

[friscodj]

Yeah, how about that line? And how about your feelings? Does it sound like she considered how being "friends" might affect you or your needs? And my feeling is she will make more attempts to get you to be her "friend"...eight ball...backpocket...

 

Sure, you could keep pressing the issue and maybe get back together but it would be short lived and unfulfilled. Been there and done that. Actually, I did that for 1.5 years and found ENA because of it.

 

You're focusing your perspective on this entirely on her and what she wants and might do. Why do you want to be with her so badly? Really answer that question for yourself and try to separate your answer from illusion and reality.

 

She can find friends elsewhere buddy. And there is no such thing as a true friendship when the hearts aren't in alignment. What you have there is one person, i.e., you, giving up your heart and soul in ultimately futile attempts to "win" her over and change her heart. The End.

 

I have been there too many times and I would rather bungie jump off the Hoover Dam with the cord attached to my balls than go through that again. Perhaps you should learn the same lessons I did?

[Biffy]

 

I have been there too many times and I would rather bungie jump off the Hoover Dam with the cord attached to my balls than go through that again. Perhaps you should learn the same lessons I did?

 

Or why not skip to the end and learn from what others have been through??

 

Sounds much more fun than teste-jumping.

[friscodj]

Or why not skip to the end and learn from what others have been through??

 

Sounds much more fun than teste-jumping.

 

That's exactly why presented it that way! To get the point accross! Hopefully a lesson can be learned without going to this class.

[Biffy]

That's exactly why presented it that way! To get the point accross! Hopefully a lesson can be learned without going to this class.

 

I know frisco and believe... you got the point accross alright! Top advice as always dude. Hope all is well in your world.

[Budman]

Michaell me and you agree on that

 

I absolutely DESPISE the saying, "If it's meant to be it will be"

 

Thats some {mod edit} excuse stating that there is "nothing" you can do. I mean yes there are times when the best course of action is none, but seriously I hate feeling that there is nothing I can do.

[Biffy]

I'm with you on that too...

 

I hate the "fate card" my ex used in in a different way "I guess it just wasn't meant to be" disassociating herself from her on decisions and actions.

[friscodj]

I absolutely DESPISE the saying, "If it's meant to be it will be"

 

You got that right my friend. I think this phrase can be found somewhere in the Book of the Apocalypse...right along with "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "I love you but I need you to be my friend right now", "I don't know how I feel", and any form of an unreciprocated "I love you"...

 

Yeah, I've got a million of 'em stored away in memory...

 

I'd much rather hear some variant of how I am an evil, heartless bastard, how much she hates me and never wants to see or think about me again than hear one of these lines...at least this way we both understand each other and know where things stand...

[Budman]

Exactly my point.

 

I mean honestly I don't like the disassociation that is done when things like that are said. It's like "I want to be with you, but fate says otherwise."

 

It's like screw fate, fate is saying that you don't want to be with me! So don't lie to me, tell me the truth you arrogant woman, and let me have some closure because quite honestly stating it like, "I love you but I can't be with you for reasons outside of my control" makes it seem like a freaking romeo and juliet story, where you MUST save her, you must goto her aid, you must free her from her imprisonment. At least thats the way I think.

 

If I get told, "Your a ruthless *** and you can not do this, you suck in bed, jack is 10x better than you, I've been cheating on you for a year, etc etc" Ya I won't deny that crap hurts, (it would hurt really bad *twitch*) but still at LEAST you're like, well uh damn, I guess she wasn't the one for me. or My bad, I didn't know you felt like that...

 

but if you try to make the guy feel better by saying "insert lame excuse here" it just sounds like, "I love you but I must wash my hair... for eternity..."

[friscodj]

^ We should have a beer sometime Budman!

 

Great post dude, you're wise far beyond your 22 years...

[blender]

It could mean exactly what they are saying, they "need space, time". I think the mistake we make is that we take it personally... most of the time exes are running away from themselves, especially when the relationship is past the "newness" phase and responsiblity, love, loyalty, commitment, expectations, come into the picture.. and sometimes exes are just not capable of facing these responsiblities for THEMSELVES let alone us...

 

So the best thing is to respond to exactly what they are saying, no reading between the lines, just 'let go"... and let them have consequences of thier "choice" for needing space, time.. it takes courage and self respect to do this, especially when we are so wrapped up in what we "hoped" would be, and it's hard to be in "acceptance' of what it's "actually turning out to be" in this moment..

 

I think it's best to take them at their word, no interrogating about the "whys" or "is it me"... it never leads to an answer we want to hear.. so just try to separate your "feelings" from the "facts"..

 

Yes you feel "sad, betrayed, hurt".. god we've all been there, it's awful.. but the "fact" is YOU are worthy of someone who is making a choice and an effort to win your heart, and stay in the relationship and work on it, if they say the need "time and space" give it to them.. and more importantly GIVE IT TO YOURSELF TOO...

 

it hurts, but you will feel empowered by taking the ex at thier word, and taking care of YOURSELF right now, even if it means we have to cry, cry, cry, do this with a family member or close friend, or alone in front of the TV with a bag of chips... it takes time, but YOU are worthy of the love you are willing to give, nothing less.. and if they aren't ready to give it, then give this energy to yourself...

[blender]

P.S. actions speak louder than words...