Worth trying?

[greenbomb]

I've lived with my husband for almost 5 years, married just over a year.

 

I've always struggled with depression and I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was 17.

 

I am just now realizing that I have a pretty unhealthy relationship with my husband, and I think we are very close to divorce.

 

I have been very controlling and jealous in the past, and he has a lot of anger problems. Things are better now than they were in our first years together, and because things are fine most of the time, it's easy to ignore the bad things.

 

We fight about stupid things fairly often and occasionally, these fights will explode. Here is an example:

 

We were having a stupid, bickering fight about something inconsequential while driving home one night. It kept on escalating until we were yelling at each other and getting frustrated. I finally decided to end the argument, and I told him that I wasn't going to say anything else. I remained silent throughout the rest of the car ride, but he continued to yell at me. He yelled at me all the way from the car, through our apartment's parking lot, and into our apartment. I don't remember what he was saying, but I am sure he was swearing at me and calling me names. Probably saying I was stupid and crazy, too.

 

I finally broke my silence to say something to him, I don't remember what. It pissed him off enough to "make" him throw a bottle into the kitchen (where I was) and dent our practically new microwave. Then he started screaming in my face and poked me in the chest twice, and hard enough to bruise. I slapped him... that's reflex right? Someone's in your face screaming and poking you, it's a little difficult not to get defensive.

 

I'm really stupid, because he tried to leave and I stopped him... I do that pretty much everytime. He always tries to leave and act all dramatic. I can't help myself...

 

At one point he tried to physically shove me out of the apartment and lock the door. This was super embarrassing, because I was hanging halfway out the door crying, trying to push my way back in.

 

I ended up crying myself to sleep.

 

The next day he said he was embarrassed, and I of course felt bad for him.

 

I KNOW that this is not acceptable behavior, and I know I should leave. I want to leave, not only because of this kind of stuff, but because I'm bored and lonely most of the time anyway.

 

I feel like I'm obligated to go to therapy and try to work it out. He's not like that all of the time... he's pretty sweet a lot of the time. I just don't think that therapy is going to be worth the time though, because I don't think I want it to work out. I think I'm mostly feeling really guilty and sad about leaving him.

 

I guess I'm asking for encouragement more than anything. Or. I'm also willing to listen to advice about therapy. I don't know. I'm somewhat torn.

[Dako]

Are you able to support yourself, live alone and get away from this drama?

I couldn't live with screaming and anger even one day a month. If he throws things and embarrasses you, why feel sorry for him?

 

If you're abusive and jealous, you have problems no matter who you're with, but if you're bored with the relationship and don't care to change things, I can't imagine therapy being anything more than a waste of time for three people.

 

I'd think a quieter life would let you rebuild and grow.

[greenbomb]

I could stay with family and/or friends until I was able to support myself.

 

I feel bad, because I still love him, and because he's not that way all of the time. Maybe I'm just justifying his actions, but... yeah.

 

I guess I'm just scared to give up on something, even though I logically recognize that we aren't healthy together.

[CarterJonas]

Do you still love him and he loves you?

 

If so work on the relationship and your and his problems.

 

No relationship is 100%. There are always problems and arguments but instead of concentrating on the bad/negative points, concentrate on the good/happy moments you have. If this requires seeing a councilor, then so bi it!

 

good luck

[404]

greenbomb. From someone on the other side of this, please be honest for a minute and ask yourself that given all of the problems you guys seem to have with conflict ask yourself this:

 

If you were able to resolve all conflicts easily and without anger. If he would always be respectful of you, would you like your marriage enough to stay? Would he?

 

Can you really tell given how things are....or is the only way to find out to eliminate the problem and see where your at. My guess is on some level you understand this and thats why you know you need to go seek assistance and why you'd feel guilty about leaving now. Once you've tried everything I'm sure there will still be guilt but you will at least know what you have to do.

 

The good news is that this is a relatively straightforward issue to handle for most couples. Based on your post and the way you've targeted escalation as an issue, you've probably been reading on the subject so hopefully you've found some information and know your not alone by a long shot.

 

Worth trying...in my opinion absolutely. Unless there are some really ugly secrets not in your post that are hurting your marriage you have a really great shot at fixing this but as you know your going to need help. Get some books, make some calls, talk to each other about the problem and if possible talk to a professional about it.

 

And one last thing -- your not stupid! Your human and you make mistakes, we all do. Don't belittle yourself, the fact that your here matters a lot. There are answers out there so smile and keep hope.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

why don't you see your own counselor for a while before considering marriage counseling or leaving? i think going on your own might help you decide whether your desire to leave is based on some internal need that marriage counseling won't fix, or whether you are just confused and upset right now and would be better waiting to make a decision to leave until you are clearer about your feelings.

 

but it definitely sounds like you need to do something to de-escalate the tension, since the fights are escalating and becoming more vicious/physical. maybe a separation where you both attend counseling to see if there is a way to save your marriage, or better to go your separate ways.

[Survictor]

It does sound a little unhealthy. It's your choice really. It depends on what you want. Is it worth hanging on in there, trying counselling etc.. Do you want that?