Red Flags?

[joiseygrl]

Ok... so here's the context of the cotton underwear comment. We were talking about shopping and I talked about how much I love when VS has their clearence sales. That's when the comment came falling outof his mouth. I just used that one as an example. There were a few other odd remarks he made me nervous/uncomfortable. Another comment remark about my phobia about not eating in front of people I don't know. (We met for drinks, I had eaten before the date.) He responded with, "Well you know me so order something." That threw me off because after only a week of chatting online and on the phone he thinks we "know" each other.

[Batya33]

If you do not know each other, why did you share your phobia this early on?

[Iceman26]

(We met for drinks, I had eaten before the date.) He responded with, "Well you know me so order something." That threw me off because after only a week of chatting online and on the phone he thinks we "know" each other.

 

I hope you ordered him a pink daiquiri

[joiseygrl]

He was hunrgy and wanted to order food. He kept asking me if I wanted something and I kept saying no. I'm not embarrassed about my phobia so when he wouldn't take, "No thank you, I'm not hungry" for an answer, I told him the truth.

[BrokenHeart82]

Ok maybe it shouldnt be this way...but men (sorry guys) arent the best with signal...either overthink them or underthink them.

 

Victorias Secret (said in ANY context) will givemost guys, especially nervous guys the wrong idea I would think.

 

He heres "sexy underwear store" and probably was thinking "oh * * * *, how to respond....I shouldnt say I love thongs or black lace makes me randy...hey! ill tell her about that show"

[Iceman26]

We were talking about shopping and I talked about how much I love when VS has their clearence sales. That's when the comment came falling outof his mouth.

 

Now it kinda sounds like he made that comment because he was trying to bring the subject from your shopping habits to a screeching halt. Just kidding.

 

Seriously though, maybe he was just trying too hard and just wanted to be able to contribute something to the conversation.

[joiseygrl]

I know he was probably "trying too hard" and that would explain the odd comments, but I think that's one of my issues with this guy. The entire night was filled with strained moments of slience and "So, uhm"s... I watched more TV on our date than I would have if I was home. Maybe I'm just looking for reasons not to go out with him again because I just wasn't "feeling it" for him.

[MrKadash]

From my male perspective, calling you everyday before meeting with you is the biggest red flag. Obviously all guys are different, but I couldn't imagine myself calling a girl everyday. And the vagina comment, well, I really don't know what to think about that. Shrewd. I dunno. I've always felt that I needed to at least know the girl better than I would on a first date before I start using certain body parts in conversations, but that's just me.

[Clementine orange]

I second what iceman26 said (about trying to contribute something to the conversation) I mean is there a safe thing to say on a first date when your date tells you that Victoria Secret is having a sale on underwear? Of the top of my head I don't think I can think of something.

(I'm a dating pro, well sort of, so I would probably just smile and say "cool" or something)

However, the flowers and the phoning everyday are clear enough red flags still

 

I'm getting on the "I feel sorry for this guy" bandwagon here. Which doesn't mean you should go out with him again though. OP suggested you ask him to slow down. In the interest of humanity (and female solidarity whatever) you can inform him of this.

[PrincessJOA]

hes so weird.lol! Well, maybe he was nervous on your first date, I suggest you go on another one and if he's still like that... he's a goner

[Grokker]

Here's my take:

 

I do understand very well why he made you uncomfortable. However, as a guy who used to be kind of like that myself (coming accross as desperate-for-approval), I do sympathize just a little bit with him too. It's a flaw, certainly, but I'm working on it for myself... and it doesn't necessarily mean (by itself) that the guy is a bad person or even the wrong person.

 

The two-dozen roses are a little further than even I would have dreamed of going! He must be more than a little out of the dating loop if he did that.

 

The comment about the panties is also something I could never see myself making. However, when you explained the context... geez, if I was nervous enough and the girl I was with brought up Victoria's Secret panties, it's not out of the realm of imagination that I might blurt out something of the sort. I hope I never do, and this guy may very well be kicking himself in the teeth for it. But stuff like that does get said without any ill intentions.

 

And the "order something because you know me"... come on. Give him a break on that, he was just trying to lighten things up. A lot of people don't know how to deal with it immediately, when somebody they're with announces that she has a phobia. Again, maybe he was just trying to be upbeat and casual.

 

What I'm saying is this. First impressions mean a lot, and he didn't make some very good ones. But ask yourself... how much do his behavior on the date, and the daily phone calls really bother you? I mean, if they *really* bothered you, you wouldn't have brought the question to ENA... you would have just dumped and run.

 

You're questioning things yourself, right? Still haven't made a decision for yourself either way. So maybe there are things about him that you sense might be attractive, or potential relationship material, leaving the uncomfortable stuff aside?

 

IF this is so, I would give him another chance. Tell him frankly how you feel, that he is crowding you, not giving you the space to miss him, making you uncomfortable by coming on too strong. What he does THEN, will be more help to you in making a decision than what anyone can tell you based on the information so far.

 

If he freaks out, cries, tries to guilt-trip or emotionally blackmail you... he's a manipulator and possible stalker, so RUN. If he takes it with a little hurt pride but tries sincerely to improve those things... he may not be that bad a guy. But I would say you should confront him rather than completely block him out of your life at this point. That's just me though.

[AwdreeHpburn]

well, unfortunately Chillins - this is how mates are picked. Like the penguin who doesn't bring the prettiest rock. He doesn't get the girl. You have to know how to play the game. Like it or not. If you don't, you'll probably find someone well suited for you who also doesn't like it.

 

But speaking from experience I've met guys like this guy before. Is he the same guy I've met - no. Of course not. But the signs are similiar. And those behaviours are not normal.

 

I don't think this means I'm saying I'm special or that I think I am. I just have standards. If some one starts talking about my vagina before I even know him, that's not the norm. No matter the context.

 

BUT - I digress. I am happily married (most of the time) to a great guy - socially perfect?? GOD no, but he's appropriate and confident, perfect for me. And he had the prettiest pebble. Call me shallow - I'm a creature well adapted to my environment....

 

I'm sorry it sucks.

[AwdreeHpburn]

wow.

 

Hello pot, I'm kettle.....

 

I'm sorry you're bitter. i think you're taking ME and MY comments out of context.

 

But hey, don't practice what you preach and give me the benefit of the doubt. OR a chance to explain what I mean, what I know or what I'm basing this on - just assume - like I do and got reemed for

 

Just assume that I'm a primadonna and I'll assume that this guy is a stalker.

[Batya33]

If a man showers me with gifts on date one, yes, I feel overwhelmed, uncomfortable and my guard is up because often the gift is not out of niceness it is out of desperation or a need to control, etc.

 

And yes I have rejected men based on one comment on a first date such as, as a response to "so, how is your day going?" and he says "I work with really dumb people." Or, a man who before meeting me proceeds to tell me in detail during our first phone conversation his favorite oral sex scene on sex and the city.

 

Or the guy who motioned to a waiter with his knife to get his attention shouting "amigo!" (neither my date nor the waiter was hispanic). Or the man who, when the bill came on our first date, thought I offered to treat him (I offered to pay my share) and smiled and said "thanks! I love to be pampered!"

 

Typically that one comment is consistent with other signs of rudeness, etc. But yes, one comment can be a dealbreaker as can signs that he is trying to "buy" me.

[shes2smart]

It goes both ways, dude. Guys can be just as "picky" about the women they choose to become involved with as women can.

 

They can also have a sense of entitlement, and all the other things you seem to say are strictly female (and American female at that) traits.

 

Neither gender has cornered the market on weird, odd, bratty, arrogant, needy, clingy, elitist, downright psycho and just plain bad behavior.

 

And for the record, I didn't meet a really great guy to marry *until* I became very, very "picky."

[MrKadash]

Neither gender has cornered the market on weird, odd, bratty, arrogant, needy, clingy, elitist, downright psycho and just plain bad behavior.

 

Truer words have never been spoken.