Rent

[bitterbear18]

I love my girl... of course she works, when I first met her she was working in two jobs, 7 days a week.

I work 5.5 days a week as a warehouse co-ordinator.

Whetehr or not she wants to work or stay at home is her choice.

I'm just saying that we're young so we need to save and work if we need to make this thing last!

Let's not count the chicks before they hatch

[FortunateOne]

So are all housewives toxic narcissists, then? Or is this totally different when two are married?

 

I really don't see where on my posting I said housewives, but for your info my mother has this attitude and my sisters, extended family and her therapist agree with it. I enable it when she guilts me into financially assiting her. She's never had a job. I and my sisters were put into mental and physical abusive environments as children. I was forced to work for cash at 13 to give her my WHOLE income to contribute to the household.

 

How does this apply to B-bear's situation?

 

Do to my childhood, I always used to seek out these types of women since it's the only form of love I thought I deserved and knew. I've been where B-bear is now. I had to do a lot of self analysis in order to come to change my choice in women, yet I still want my future wife to have it all with out her needing to work at all. Now I test the women I date to see if they deserve my financial foundation god's given me.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Wow, ok, so how does the girl pass the test? And what exactly about BBear's girl makes her fail?

[FortunateOne]

Wow, ok, so how does the girl pass the test? And what exactly about BBear's girl makes her fail?

 

 

Well, if she was understanding about his financial contribution and current condition the healthy attitude would be to emotionaly support him and not control the access and possesion of the shared living arragement, then she would pass.

[Blue Dreamer]

I think she wants control of 'my' money and thereforeeee the decision making.

 

Exactly, how does this female pass your test? How can you make a statement like that and at the same time defend her as you are in this thread? Outside of what you perceive to be love, why would you even want this kind of a lifestyle? Dont limit yourself. You really need to examine your priorities.

[doyathink]

My question here is do you feel like she loves you?

 

It almost sounds like she just wants you around to pay her way!

[bitterbear18]

thanks for the responses guys...

i appreciate the different angles from which you're all coming from...

if i had to go with my gut... it would be that yes, she's in for the money

i would think that if she had some sensetivity to the situation it wouldn't be where it is now

and as you all know it's the follow through which is the hardest, aknowledging that it's not about love but money

i guess i could dress it up and call it having different value systems... i shouldn't be fooling myself...

 

moneygod: are you an asian by any chance *laughs*

(please don't bombard the site, just a cheeky observation

[doyathink]

Just dont get used. Flat out ask her if she loves you or loves that you are paying for almost everything.

 

I think he's white, his profile pic looks like it anyway...

[FortunateOne]

I'm Guatemalan with German blood in my vains.

[Jayar]

Right now it IS her place, and you are on her turf. And if your roles were switched, you/she would likely feel the same. It's natural. I can't tell you what to do, but can tell you what I would do; No one is going to have a key to my apartment until he brings up living together. At which point, we are going to find a place TOGETHER (rent or buy) and share the joy of house shopping, moving, settling, and living together. This will apply if we're both renting. If one of us owns a house by that point it could complicate things because you'd want to wait for the right market to sell. Otherwise, under no circumstances is he moving in with me or vice versa.

[bitterbear18]

jayar: if only my gf had that mindset !

 

i haven't spoken to her since friday, but i did make it clear to her that i wanted a place where i could rest my head, be myself, and have someone love me as me outside of work hours.

 

if money precedes everything else, then let it burn.

 

thanks for your thoughts guys, much appreciated!

[RayKay]

Okay, I am a bit confused on a couple points. You are paying everything but her half of the rent, but you don't really live there?

 

If that is the case.....well, I really do see a problem with that on both sides. I am not sure if this is because you are not ready to live there, or because she just wants the money, or whatever, but you need to sort it out. I don't know why you are paying for everything if you don't live there or have a key. If she can't afford it, she needs to look for something less expensive or take in a roommate or something instead of having you pay the way and you should be careful of paying her way or paying so much if you are not living together, just my opinion though.

 

Do you WANT to live with her?

 

Next, I think people contribute what they can, and that expenses are divided accordingly. My boyfriend and I when we first moved in together into my apartment (and yes, he got a key of course!) divided rent and utilities half and half, groceries 60-40 as he ate way more, and so on.

 

When we moved into our house and I went back to school, we changed it since I lost my major income as a result of the return to school so now it is 60-40 groceries and I pay a flat rate/month to the mortgage and utilities . He pays the rest of the mortgage and repairs to the house, etc.

 

I think things have to adjust over time, and as situations go and change, but never would I expect my partner to pay the whole way, nor take advantage of it. Yes he makes more and definitely makes way more now, but I would not expect him to pay my way by any means either.

[caro33]

This is one confusing thread, and to top off the confusion we seem to have tapped into the age old 'who pays' feminist vs traditionalist debate that we've had on other threads, a couple of times recently.

 

I do not want to fuel the fire, but I just do not understand how a person can feel that their financial needs should be accounted for entirely by another person by gender alone. And please read that literally - you get fully paid for PURELY because of you are a woman, not because of financial capacity, shared household, work status, family priorities, but just because.

 

It's different where there is a commitment to a shared future, where perhaps one works while the other takes care of the household and family. It's different where there is some mutual understanding and agreement. It is also different in some cultures and countries and I understand that. I was in a developing nation a few years ago where the majority of the women, even though they worked and lived 'First World' lives, still believed the men were there to finance their lives, even if they lived independently.

 

bitterbear, is there some cultural or family expectation that she could have here? are you in a country or within a culture where the man pays for everything to prove his commitment and THEN the woman decides if she wants to commit?

[bitterbear18]

hi caro

 

i think it's cultural expectation, this expectant asian culture (i was born in australia, but of asian descent) and i think our miscommunication stems from the different outlooks and subsequently values that stem from this.

 

i think i have predominately western values, that a committment is also a partnership; i don't expect her to split everything with me but there are times such as these which call for common sense.

 

i would agree with the genderist stereotypes that plays a part of chinese culture; i've heard so many times that because i'm a male i should do/be x, y and z, and because that she's a girl she should do/be x, y and z.

 

if you thought asian relationships were complicated, try running an asian family business (which is what i'm doing at present)! but the thread has been complicated enough - so let's not go there

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Well actually I think it sounds like if you total their relationship, she is paying her half and also taking on the burden of the responsibility and risk. This leaves him with more disposable income left over at the end of the month as well than it does her. But hey, maybe I've read it wrong.

[bitterbear18]

sorry, is this situation getting all too confusing?

or is my writing style too hard to follow?

 

teddy:

she only pays for her half of the rent. i pay for our living expenses and all other costs.

yes, her name is on the rent. i would like to see my name on the rent as a co-tenant, i get a key, and so all problems are solved.

i'm not abdicating any responsibility here.

[caro33]

Ah! Well thank you for answering my question, because that sheds some light on to what's happening here, for me at least. But it also opens up a whole lot of 'I haven't a clue' because I really don't know if there is a way to move beyond one's partner's deep-held sense of entitlement, particularly if it's a cultural thing. As someone lacking any culture whatsoever I am of no use

 

I can only offer the unhelpful advice that perhaps this is a value issue that you need to see is permanent - you can't change her, so the matter is for you to decide to live with it, or to move on.

 

Do you think you could change her perspective to one you could better live with? What about her friends and family - are they all in these kinds of relationships? I guess if she's modelling herself on her friends and/or family you don't have much hope.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

So, then why are all these people under the impression that you are fully supporting her and she is contributing nothing?

[caro33]

teddy, I don't think anyone here thinks that. The point though, is that he is saying that he pays not only for his share of the rent, but also all living expenses for both of them. The problems then seem to be:

 

- he is having difficulties affording all this, but she won't step up, even though she works; and

- even though he pays the same rent as her, she refuses to see him as having an equal say in the house.

 

I have assumed that he is wanting her to:

 

(a) acknowledge his input and give him more equal rights in the home; and

(b) perhaps put in what she can afford to the running of the house, all those household and grocery and utilities costs that he is paying for both of them.

 

Now I may be wrong, but that is my evaluation of the situation. It then seems that they have a value conflict, because she wants this state of affairs and seems to think it's reasonable, and he does not.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Really, I could have sword he had said that he earned more money than she did, and that she was paying as much as she could.

[RayKay]

So, then why are all these people under the impression that you are fully supporting her and she is contributing nothing?

 

I don't think any of us are...actually.

 

I know she pays HALF the rent, but he pays her half the rent, and all the other expenses on top of that including home supplies, groceries, utilities and he does not even LIVE there or get a key, and she has said that if he made more, she would expect him to pay more. So what is HE getting?

 

Yes, her name is on the lease and if he does not pay and she failed to pay then it would go on her report but the fact is he is NOT living there, he is NOT REQUIRED to pay for her and he is not under a contract with them or her to do so, so that would be her problem in that case if she chooses not to put him on the lease. If she is concerned about it, she can put him on the lease and he seems totally willing to do that from a couple of the posts he wrote he would in here.

 

I see the risk more on him, since he is paying this money and not even getting to stay there or building his own lease history for his own report and so on....

[caro33]

Really, I could have sword he had said that he earned more money than she did, and that she was paying as much as she could.

 

 

Ah perhaps he did, bitterbear can you clarify?

 

I have found the debates within this thread hard enough to follow as it is

[bitterbear18]

I've lived with my girlfriend for about ten months, for the last four I have been splitting rent with her as she can't afford it on her salary. It was a mutual agreement for it to be this way.

 

- That was my very first post, I'm sorry if it's been misinterpreted as making more money than her. I think we're on par with salaries, which is a pretty patlry sum in my estimation for the both of us. Hope that clarifies.

I'm more than willing to have my name on the lease. There are inherent value differences which contribute to the complication of this situation.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yes, I do see what everyone is saying, I'm also aware that there can be many variables and dynamics that perhaps we are not aware of since we are not in the situation.

 

I'm still going back to wondering which came first, the unwillingness to commit, or the resentment? Both parties are obviously resentful of their burdens. Not being there, I am just reluctant to come to a full conclusion on the issue.

[caro33]

I've lived with my girlfriend for about ten months, for the last four I have been splitting rent with her as she can't afford it on her salary. It was a mutual agreement for it to be this way.

 

- That was my very first post, I'm sorry if it's been misinterpreted as making more money than her. I think we're on par with salaries, which is a pretty patlry sum in my estimation for the both of us. Hope that clarifies.

I'm more than willing to have my name on the lease. There are inherent value differences which contribute to the complication of this situation.

 

So what is your plan bitterbear? How do you feel this is going to play out and what are you going to do?