Spinoff: Difference between shyness and indifference

[daisy77]

This could go into the Dating and Shy People forum, but ladeedah's post Difference between just friendly and interested -- in particular Charley's response -- made me wonder about the differences between shyness and indifference.

 

I've been interested in a shy guy for a while and now that some time has passed I'm almost 100% certain he was interested in me. I could give some examples of things he used to say and do around me, but I'll just say that hindsight is 20/20 and I wished I'd figured it out at the time.

 

Now when we talk it's not the same as it was before and I'm wondering if he's just indifferent at this point.

 

Can any shy guys -- or anyone -- offer some insight on shyness versus indifference?

[Batya33]

It basically is not possible to tell in the close cases. For me the difference is irrelevant - if he's not asking me out, for whatever reason, then I assume he is not that interested and/or not available to date me. I don't analyze "why" I just analyze the behavior - if he is asking me out he is interested, if he is not, he is not that interested and/or not available to date.

 

I realize there are those who believe that cases of extreme shyness warrant the woman asking the man out for the first date. Sure, that's fine - I know of few happy healthy relationships that started that way but it can work as long as the woman accepts that the man might be shy in many situations during the relationship.

 

I have been asked out by many shy guys in the last 25 years - some seemed very nervous but they did it. I asked out a few guys I thought were shy but in reality they just weren't that interested in me.

 

It saves a lot of time and overanalyzing of "signs" of interest if you focus on the one relevant sign - is he calling you or asking you in person for a date that he plans in advance - whether it is to have coffee, take a walk, go for dinner, go to a show, whatever.

[daisy77]

Well, what are some signs that someone is indifferent? Not just not interested, but indifferent?

[Batya33]

To me indifferent is synonymous with uninterested - or at least indifference means there is no point in my putting effort in. Here are some signs based on my experience:

 

He shows no interest in how things are going for me.

 

He doesn't take the bait when I suggest a play I've been wanting to see or an activity I am interested in doing.

 

He talks about his life, and activities he is doing with no interest in having me join in.

 

No eye contact and other signs of body language that show lack of interest.

 

He makes no suggestions about keeping in touch.

 

In general, I don't bother with indifferent people whether friends or potential dates. I will meet someone halfway, but not more - he has to put in effort to get to know me, too.

[charley]

Shy people who are interested are nervous. Look for signs of that. Also, they give signals like approaching, then backing off. Think of a shy cat that wants to be petted, but it's afraid. It starts to approach you, but then it get's scared and backs away. You'd recognize that behavior in a cat, wouldn't you? I know that people are not animals, but we share many common behavioral traits.

 

How do you get a shy cat to allow you to pet it? Gentle persistance and coaxing over time. Keep trying, but don't be to aggressive. In your other thread, it sounded to me like you were doing many things right. If you do eventually succeed, then it's likely that you will have a man who is affectionate with you and only you. Like a cat that likes to be petted by only one person and won't allow any others to touch it. I think a guy like that is romantic and loyal, if you can get that far.

 

Indifferent people are very confident because they don't care because they have no interest and nothing at stake. Again, think of cats. An indifferent cat who does not want to be petted consistently avoids you or ignores you and never approaches. That is indifference.

 

Some people will say that I'm over simplifying by comparing shy people to cats, but I think I'm correct. Most people over complicate these issues, IMO. It's really a simple thing.

 

Shy people have tempermants similar to a cat. Some people like cats, some don't. Some people like shy people, some don't.

 

If you go a few months and don't feel satisfied with your progress, then it's time to talk to him about your mutual feelings. Tell him how you feel, but try to be low key and relaxed so you don't scare him. Give him a couple minutes to digest that. Then ask him how he feels about you. If he likes you, then ask him out to lunch or some casual thing. This is what my first and third GFs did with me.

 

For those who don't have the patience for shy people, that's fine. You're entitled to your preferences.

[charley]

Well, what are some signs that someone is indifferent? Not just not interested, but indifferent?

 

To me personally, the word "indifferent" means "not interested".

[charley]

To me indifferent is synonymous with uninterested - or at least indifference means there is no point in my putting effort in. Here are some signs based on my experience:

 

He shows no interest in how things are going for me.

 

 

Ahhh. Interesting you mentioned that one. Even as a very shy guy in the past, I did show interest in how things were going for her and her activities, even though I hid my direct interest in her. This would be a good one to look for to distinguish between shy vs. indifferent.

 

Also, if he appears to have given up on you, it might be that he just gave up on himself ever asking you out. Like he's still interested, but doesn't know how to proceed. I've given up like that before, even though I was still interested. I'm past that now, but at one time...

 

At some point, you can have a heart to heart talk with the guy. Sometimes that's best.

[stopit]

Indifference and shyness differ in interest level. Someone indifferent will walk right past you without even realizing you're there, whereas someone shy will sneak a peek and divert his eyes when you look at him. Someone indifferent won't even bother with avoiding you, whereas someone shy might go try to be near you or might avoid you in fear of rejection. The shy person won't have much confidence, as charley said, and will visibly show nervousness when talking to you, whereas the indifferent person will just act the same way he would towards you as he would anyone.

 

It's tough because shy people normally try to come off as indifferent to hide their emotions, but they'll do little things that set them apart a mile off if looked at carefully. In any case, shyness makes people act in different ways - some shy people disappear altogether whereas others will appear all the time (by "coincidence") whereas others still will have normal... erm, "appearance schedules." But generally, shy interested people will not act towards you as they do towards other people they are indifferent towards.

[Salucious]

Why do girls think that because a guy is shy he can't be interested in them? Isn't that the whole thing about shyness, is that they can be interested but are too shy to come out and tell them? Shy people can't help being shy, if they had a choice they would have the confidence to do anything they want. I think girls make a double standard when it comes to initiating a date/relationship. People will tell a guy who is shy and interested in a girl that he won't find out if the girl likes him unless he comes out and asks her. But when a girl says she's interested in a guy who is too shy to ask her out she should assume he isn't interested in her and move on That doesn't make sense to me.

If you really want to know if this guy likes you, then you should ask him out. Just don't hold it against him that he is too shy to ask you out if you are too shy to ask him.

[Batya33]

Many shy guys have asked me out. They managed, because of their interest level, to get up the courage to ask me out on a date or for coffee, etc. I probably wouldn't be compatible with a man who was so painfully shy he couldn't ask me if I wanted to have coffee with him sometime. I don't hold it against a man that he is shy but it does make me wonder whether, given my personality and lifestyle, we would be compatible in a dating relationship. I would have no issue being friends with a shy guy, and have been friends with shy men.

 

Mostly, the stories I hear about women assuming a man is too shy to ask them out on a date end with the woman realizing, after she asks him out, that either he wasn't shy, just not that interested or that he was shy and not that interested.

[daisy77]

Just don't hold it against him that he is too shy to ask you out if you are too shy to ask him.

 

No, I'm not holding it against him. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I missed my chance.

 

I spent a long time in a relationship with a guy who was indifferent toward me -- and he really was indifferent (but liked the idea of having someone around). I was very young and didn't know better at the time. Since then I've looked for the opposite in terms of behavior. Which makes sense of course, but, I think because of that, even though I was interested, I overlooked this shy guy because his interest wasn't completely obvious to me (at the time). -- Yeah, I'd say I'll still have some issues from that past relationship.

 

I'm not sure what to do.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies.

[daisy77]

Shy people who are interested are nervous. Look for signs of that. Also, they give signals like approaching, then backing off. Think of a shy cat that wants to be petted, but it's afraid. It starts to approach you, but then it get's scared and backs away. You'd recognize that behavior in a cat, wouldn't you? I know that people are not animals, but we share many common behavioral traits.

 

 

 

Charley, that describes how he was. He was shy and nervous.

 

I wish I realized it for what it was at the time. Now he doesn't approach any more.

 

I appreciate your responses -- thank you.

[sgold]

Its really confusing to understand if a guy is actually shy and interested or just indifferent. Some of you say that signals do mean a lot . but anyone who is not interested in dating that specific person can give out the same signals too. eye contact and smiling. Is there anything more specific , which clearly says that a guy likes you?