I am cheating and am CONFUSED

[kandaos]

Hi,

 

I will try and make this as short as possible, any advice would be much appreciated!

 

I have been with my boyfriend for the past 4 and a half years, we have lived together for 4 years. I am still very young, only 21 but we are in a 'mature' relationship. At the 3 year mark we decided we were bored with our lives at home so decided to travel. We saved up and then left to come over to London. We've done a lot travelling whilst we've been over here (almost 12 months).

 

Trouble is we became friends with a great bunch of people over here and I started having a relationship with one of the other guys about 3 months ago. My boyfriend and I have been getting more and more distant since this started and I can't tell if its because of me (he doesn't know about it) or if the relationship has run its course. I know I love my boyfriend and cannot imagine my life without him but I am beginning to think that I need some time away.

 

Naive I know, but I would love to spend a couple of month away from him and meet up again at home. Only other problem is that I have very strong feelings for the person I am cheating with, he is originally from another country than me but this relationship has the potential to work.

 

I don't know what to do, I know I can't carry on the way I am as I am hurting my boyfriend, my 'cheating partner' (as he has fallen for me) and myself. I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING IS WRONG BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO STOP MYSELF!!! I have cried myself to sleep many nights.....

 

PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE!!!!! I can't talk to anyone about this.

[Iceman26]

There is nothing wrong with being confused. It sounds like you really need to be alone to figure some things out.

 

If you don't, you will end up continuing to have these sleepless nights knowing you are hurting other people and yourself with this guilt you are carrying.

[Beec]

I think you need to be alone without either of them.

 

What you are doing is not fair to your boyfriend. If you cannot end one or the other, I hope he finds out soon and kicks you to the curb.

 

I would also say that something might have been lacking in your relationship, but that is no excuse.

[locolady]

wow god , you're going to break his heart...i hope youre prepared for that.

 

what youre doing is totally wrong, selfish and pretty callous....but im sure you know that!

 

you should come clean, this situation isnt going to go away on its own and the longer you bury your head in the sand the more likely it is your boyfriend will find out another way (that will only make it worse). I dont think you can honestly want either of these guys and that you really need to take some time on your own.

 

- if you really loved your boyfriend, you wouldnt be cheating, so do him a favour and finish it

 

BUT

 

- dont expect it to work out with the other guy - most likely he will think if youre capable of cheating with him, you're capable of cheating on him. i would not have thought that has long term potential either. if you wanted him that much, you would leave your boyfriend for him.

 

dont leave one for the other, leave the poor guy youre making a fool of and just spend some time on your own...feel guilty, get the strength to never get into this situation again....youre causing a lot of pain to others.

[bikjj]

Its is ok to be confused, which is why you need a time out before it really becomes a bigger mess than it already is.

 

Understand that you cant see the 'wood through the trees' at the moment. Creating some space away will allow for distance, it is then that the confusion will subside. Eventually you should be able to make a non-emotional (although we are human) decision in the best interests of all concerned. However, there are going to be casualties in your case. In hind-sight, it was better you had a time out before the 'cheating', guilt, loneiness, confusion etc.

[amtjrtcet]

Its not fair to him that you don't know what you want. If your relationship is so "mature" then you should act "mature" and end it.

[freedom]

you know that you are doing something majorly WRONG.

i think you should actually go on a 'break' away from both of these men to be able to figure out what you want.

Do a NC for both these men and let yourself breath as you are confusing being able to attract other men to actuality of love.

Take a few weeks away from these guys and get your ead striaght. Mean while stay away from the LOVER to avoid the risk of hurting your relationship any further.

[itsallgrand]

You need time alone to learn what it means to be an independent woman.

 

That's all. Nothing confusing about it from the outside.

[Blsmith007]

- if you really loved your boyfriend, you wouldnt be cheating, so do him a favour and finish it

 

BUT

 

- dont expect it to work out with the other guy - most likely he will think if youre capable of cheating with him, you're capable of cheating on him. i would not have thought that has long term potential either. if you wanted him that much, you would leave your boyfriend for him.

QUOTE]

 

I really agree with this and you really should spend sometime away from both these guys and really see what you want. And being alone from just one will just influence your decision to where the next step is. But you should come clean with your current b/f about the other relationship, one b/c yall have been together for 4 yrs and should deserve the honesty and two, you would have this on your shoulders for a very long time if you dont. Good luck

Brandon

[gattsuga]

You know it's wrong, but you just can't stop... it's good that you know it's wrong... but then why are you still doing it? you know if you stay with your current bf, you're going to have this on your shoulders for the rest of your life... or you can tell him and it'll be on both of your shoulders.

 

i think you need to end things with both of them like everyone's been saying, and stop being so selfish. yes, what you're doing is very selfish. it's time to grow up, and learn to practise some self control, and do what YOU know is right.

[Ash]

Why do you think you can't live without your boyfriend?

 

Can you separate the feelings of love from the more common sense ones that your head tells you?

 

People can get into situations where they think a current partner is providing something they can never get anywhere else, but that's not always the case. Don't get stuck thinking that he'll be the only way to ever give you such and such.

 

What would your boyfriend say if you told him? He'd likely be very, very hurt, but at some point the truth is likely to come out.

 

How far has it gone with the other person?

 

You're making a positive step in at least starting to talk about this hurtful situation. There will likely be more hurt to follow unfortunately, but I think you've already reached the conclusion it is past time to make a change.

[kandaos]

Thank you all for your advice so far! I am taking everything said onboard! Still very very confused and feeling worse than ever because I have been hiding my regret and pain from myself and its all starting to surface!! Please keep the advice coming!!

[locolady]

it might be a good idea to take a look at the infidelity board on here too - cheating really really messes people up.....i was cheated on and a year later i am still trying to pick up the pieces. he made a fool out of me and made me feel utterly worthless. please dont continue to do this to your boyfriend.

 

i dont think you are confused, i think you are burying your head in the sand. you know the only real outcome of this situation is that you are going to have to have some time on your own and i think you are just trying to delay that......but, dont...embrace it - youre only 21, i'm sure you could learn a lot, experience a lot and grow a lot from some time by yourself - when my 4 year relationship ended due to cheating last year (i was also 21) i hated the thought of being alone....now, looking back i see how much i had neglected myself and just how much i needed time alone. i would have never taken it if i hadnt been forced to but in the long run i know it will do me good.

 

i know you cant feel happy with yourself or proud of yourself right now, so take the first step and break up with your boyfriend. long term the two of you cant continue with that sort of betrayal on your shoulders.

 

do it for him if you really do care, but also for yourself, youre only going to feel worse and worse otherwise.

[sddeaston]

You say you are in a "mature" relationship....? Mature would have been to do the right thing when it came to the initial act of infidelity...the CHOICE YOU MADE.

 

That being said, I think it best for you to take time away from them both. You can find yourself. You have been in a relationship with this guy since you were what...17..16? Thats young, and thats a long time, for anyone.

 

Simply put, I think your situation has a lot to do with your age...and the fact that you have been with this guy throughout the years that are typically the years that people develop their own values, and discover who they are and who they want to be.

 

You have yourself a situation that no matter what you do it seems....someone will be hurt. Be it you, or one of the other guys...understand that, and know you will likely hurt your boyfriend no matter what. Hope it works out.

[Jeremy_Z]

Most people cheat during at least one relationship in their lives. I'll get "sloughed off" for this but when people are ready to move on from a relationship, they are often liniong

up the successor. It's not right but most of us have done it. See No.4.