Is it ok to date more than one person at the same time?

[giggle3474]

I have been seeing a guy for about 3 months. We started hanging out more and more and getting closer and closer. We continue to have those great nights where we will stay up and talk about anything. We both feel that we can be honest and open with the other without things getting "weird". We hang out 3-4 nights a week and usually we stay up late and he'll end up sleeping on my couch. He has been a perfect gentleman and hasn't pressured me to do anything I'm not comfortable with. I'm not seeing anyone else right now (although I was when we first started dating) and I have been dropping hints along the way that I don't really want him to date anyone else either.

 

I feel like I've made my feelings clear and I know that he cares for me, too. Last night we were talking and it turns out that he is seeing someone else. He has been seeing her longer than he's been seeing me and he told me that she knows that they aren't exclusive and he has made it a point that we both know that we're not his girlfriend. I am crushed. I have always known there was a possibility but I never came out and asked him about it. However, I think he should have been more forthcoming with this information.

 

He says that they don't have the relationship like we do. Their relationship is more fun and casual. They go out and are spontaneous. But he likes me because he can talk to me about things, because I make him laugh, because he feels good when he's around me.

 

I am really upset. I can really see myself with this guy, and he said he feels the same way but he likes her too. Am I wrong for telling him he needs to make a decision? I don't want him to drag me along because it's killing me. He said it would kill him if he wasn't able to come be with me anymore and see me and call me, etc. I just think it would be too hard for me to carry on that way even if it was just as friends. And the fact that he's not able to make the decision right now...should that tell me something? If he wanted to really be with me, shouldn't that be something he already knows?

 

What do I do now? I really don't want to lose this part of my life, but I don't want to share him. He can't have the best of both worlds.

[kryptik0]

If you have reached a point where you need to be exclusive to this guy, he needs to make up his mind and there is nothing wrong in you expecting him to do that. You're doing the right thing.

[Jayar]

Nothing wrong with telling him he has to make a decision. But I'd make the decision for him. I'd stop spending time with him if you're not comfortable with him, and then if he wants to pursue an exclusive relationship with you, then allow him to do that. Be careful TELLING him he HAS to do something. Keep in mind that you didn't know about this other girl, thereforeeee you wouldn't know if he kept seeing her regardless. It has to be something he CHOOSES. Right now he's made it clear he isn't choosing either one of you. If you aren't comfortable with that, choose to go your own way unless and until he does decide you're worth pursuing exclusively.

[Day_Walker]

I suspect that there is more to this story than meets the eye. If he is happy just having a casual relationship with both of you then that is what he is going to do. If you dont want to continue the relationship unless it is exclusive then you should let him know. Realize that it is his decision to make and it could mean that you wont end up with him. I wouldnt tell him that he has to choose but he should know that you are looking for an exclusive relationship.

[chai714]

Yes, it's ok to date multiple people but I don't believe it's right to sleep with multiple people. Once you begin to like someone though, you will likely drop other people you're dating and focus on what you like. This is human nature - when we like someone, we want to be around that person more.

 

Between you and this other woman, he might be getting two different things from each of you. I'm only guessing that this other woman offers him wild, unpredictable encounters while he might have a stronger emotional bond and more in common with you. I would guess that you're more predictable and more consistent, in terms of your behavior whereas this other woman is not. I've been in a similar situation as the man you're seeing and I'd pick the one whose behavior is more consistent.

 

The question then becomes, how can I make him want me and only me? It seems as if he doesn't value you enough to drop the other woman he's dating. So, if he doesn't value you then that means he does not appreciate you. And if you lose appreciation for someone, that means you take it for granted that it will always be there. I might try to appear as if his time with you may end, but not by using your words (NOT an ultimatum) but rather by becoming more aloof. This means you ought to limit your availability in order for him to appreciate you more and not take you for granted.

[rose2summer]

I am just going to state my suspicions.

 

I am going to guess she doesn't know you exist.

 

And he is keeping you as his side woman.

 

I think you need to mention exclusivity as Jayar mentioned.

 

If he says he doesn't want that and you do, it may be time to pack your bags,

 

And leave him in the dust since he isn't quite as into you as you are into him to commit.

 

Hugs, Rose

[Jayar]

Remember that a guy can LIKE you and like spending time with you, without ever having any intention of being in a relationship with you... And one other rule of thumb is the girl who is most special to him will always be the girl he is with at the time. You CANNOT trust what he says (that you're special and he has a connection with you he doesn't have with her) if it doesn't match what he DOES (not choosing you).

[Grokker]

Ok, here's a guy's point of view on this question.

 

I'm currently dating three girls. It's a first for me.

 

I used to be one of those nice guys... very attentive and devoted to one woman from early on in a relationship. You know the type. I was quick to get emotionally involved, probably came accross as needy or smothering, and thus got my heart broken pretty badly a couple of times.

 

So now, I'm dating three women, and have been for about a month. I'm not a player by any means... I haven't slept with any of them yet, nor have I placed the slightest pressure on any of them for sex. I enjoy the company of each of them, and they seem to enjoy mine. I like them all, I share a unique connection with each of them that is more than platonic... but at this point, I'm not at all sure which of them (if any of them) is "the one" I want to be with.

 

I have made no commitments to any of the three, nor led any of them to believe that we might be exclusive. I find that all the three are more interested in me, after a month, than the last girlfriend that I was very devoted and "nice" to. One of the three I'm currently dating seems more likely to be someone I'd be interested in long-term than the other two, at the moment. Though, happily for all of us, none of them have pushed the exclusivity question with me either.

 

I'm posting all this here because if one of them tomorrow pushed me for exclusivity, I'd probably give her exactly the same answer as this guy gave the OP here. And it would be absolutely true. I like being with you, and we have something unique... and I have something unique with some other people I'm seeing too. Fortunately, sex hasn't entered the picture... so there's no reason for her to feel used or take what I say at anything other than face value.

 

If she insisted on exclusivity, I probably wouldn't give in (to any of the three I'm dating right now). If that meant she wanted to stop seeing me, okay, she'd be well within her rights.

 

I'm aware I'll probably be bashed around for saying what I have here. However, I think that for my personal growth, it's a good place to be in. When I arranged my life around courting and pleasing a single woman I was interested in, sooner or later I had nothing to show for it but a broken heart and damaged self-esteem. As long as I'm being completely honest all around, is it unfair of me to try and take things in a different direction? I can't stomach the idea of being a player who just wanted to get in as many womens' pants as he could... is what I am doing such a bad middle ground?

 

So yes, it IS ok to date more than one person at the same time, and it does not equate to being a player. A man can be completely sincere about his feelings for more than one woman, and yet not have achieved the depth of feeling necessary for him to commit to one woman exclusively.

[giggle3474]

Ok, but he is sleeping with the other girl. He and I are not sleeping together and I've told him I have no intention to until I KNOW that I am the ONLY one...

 

Thank you everyone for your responses. I appreciate seeing everyones point of view.

[Jayar]

Grokker is RIGHT ON THE MARK... I only want to add that the women he is dating should be seeing other men as well (and hopefully are), just as YOU (the original poster) should be. This is called "dating".

[Jayar]

Ok, but he is sleeping with the other girl. He and I are not sleeping together and I've told him I have no intention to until I KNOW that I am the ONLY one...

 

Be careful with this... You NEVER KNOW whether or not you are the only one. You can only really go by what he tells you. And he can tell you whatever he wants. Be very careful not to pressure him into TELLING you something you want to hear.

[Grokker]

Ok, but he is sleeping with the other girl. He and I are not sleeping together and I've told him I have no intention to until I KNOW that I am the ONLY one...

 

Good for you.

 

If one of the women I was dating pressed me for exclusivity, and then offered herself to me sexually, I would respect her a lot less... it would be as if she were trying to "buy" me.

 

I think you're doing the right (and sensible) thing in a lot of ways. And I generally agree... do not commit yourself to him if he isn't ready to commit himself to you.

 

Good luck!

[jilligirl]

I am just going to state my suspicions.

 

I am going to guess she doesn't know you exist.

 

And he is keeping you as his side woman.

 

I think you need to mention exclusivity as Jayar mentioned.

 

If he says he doesn't want that and you do, it may be time to pack your bags,

 

And leave him in the dust since he isn't quite as into you as you are into him to commit.

 

Hugs, Rose

 

 

I had the same exact thoughts, Rose. This other woman is probably his "real" girlfriend, and the poster of this thread is his woman "on the side."